Creating A Likeness

52/4 week 8

2012-02-01T01:20:00.001Z

Reciped For Cherubs

by Babs Horton

Another was of two very smart young men wearing army uniforms. A third photograph was facing the wall.

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As before, if you'd like to join in here's how-

* Pick any book,
* go to page 52
* give us the sentence that contains line 4. -Can be more than one sentence. (e.g. You may need to go back a few lines to find the beginning of the sentence or continue a few lines to complete it.)

Leave your results in the comments. Or, if you want to put it as a post on your own blog, just leave us a link to find it there!

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Thanks for joining in the fun! I'm enjoying reading snapshots of your books!

Kids

2012-01-30T17:38:00.001Z

Why are schoolchildren given so much power nowadays? Why is their word taken against that of adults?

My partner is a supply teacher. He is so well appreciated that some schools ask for him by name when they have a space to fill. Recently though, some ten year olds at a local school decided that he was being too strict. Why? Because he dared object to them throwing missiles around the classroom, laughing whenever instructions were given, or wandering and dancing around the room just generally ignoring everyone. Having been told to do their work, they decided to complain to their headteacher that he was being too strict.

They also invented stories that he threw things at them. Result? Their word was taken and the rest of his contract was cancelled. He wasn't allowed to put his side of the story forward. This school will no longer offer him work through his agency.

Don't parents realise that their children's education is being put at risk by the bad behaviour of noisy, rude, uncooperative kids in their classroom?
Do they think this is some big joke?
Would they like to lose work because of the lies of a ten year old?

It may seem like a harmless game to lie and get your tutor in trouble, but we have bills to pay. I hope after they've all stopped laughing at our expense, they find one day that they don't have money for some essential thing, and all because someone lied about them at work.

Evil. Little. Shits.

52/4 week 7

2012-01-25T13:21:00.001Z

The Historian

by Elizabeth Kostova

The policeman put a steadying hand on my shoulder. "Not a big enough loss of blood to be a cause of death in itself, he said.

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As before, if you'd like to join in here's how-

* Pick any book,
* go to page 52
* give us the sentence that contains line 4. -Can be more than one sentence, as mine was this time!

Leave your results in the comments. Or, if you want to put it as a post on your own blog, just leave us a link to find it there!

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52/4 week 6

2012-01-18T13:51:00.000Z

Finn Family Moomintroll

by Tove Jansson

Wild and tempting it rose from the sea, wreathed in white breakers and crowned with green trees as if dressed for a gala.

(-The Moomintrolls' first sight of Lonely Island.)

Hahaha..... I loved these when I was little! I was very pleased to spot this book in a charity shop the other day- brand new, for 59p! But why brand new? I can't help thinking that someone has handed it in unread, and wow, what a missed opportunity!

If you're not familiar with the Mommintrolls, they are small hippo-like creatures who live in the forests of Finland with their friends, more odd little creatures. If you like the style of the original AA Milne's Winnie The Pooh stories, then you'll like the Moomintrolls, who read like Pooh on acid.

I recommend their gentle humour and idyllic, friendly world of adventure, where even the baddies have good manners.

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The REAL "WAR HORSE"

2012-01-12T13:55:00.001Z

I won't be going off to see the film 'War Horse'. Too upsetting! I've read too many WW1 books to get a gist of what I might see!

But I subscribe to emails from the Blue Cross, Britain's oldest animal charity. They did a lot of work for the horses that were used in the First World War and have released some videos/slide shows on their work.

Here are a couple they forwarded me today. I hope you find them interesting.....

This one is from Pip Dodd, curator at the National Army Museum. He explains the role of the horses in the war, with some photo's from the time:

In this one a woman tells a story about her grandfather, a 'driver' in the war, which meant he looked after the horses. The tale includes how he would risk his own life for the sake of a horse, and was awarded a medal for his bravery.

If you ARE interested in the film, I urge you to find out more from the National Army Museum's exhibition pages: WAR HORSE, Fact & Fiction, click on 'exhibition themes, about half way down the page.
There are also links to scenes behind the stageplay, and how the puppets in the play were made.

I recently read an interview with Michael Morpurgo about his book. He said that about 1 million horses were sent to war. The National War Museum puts it at nearer 6 million. He says that 67000 came home. This was nearer 165,000, but they didn't simply all return. The best horses were brought back to Britain and sold, to make money to cover some of the army's debts. The less healthy ones were left behind in France and Belgium, and sold to farmers there, to work out their lives on the farms.

If we humans need to blow each other up periodically, I wish we would find a way of doing it without hurting animals, completely innocent in our stupid wars. That we've put them to use in our slaughter feels nothing less than obscene.

I like this memorial in Port Elizabeth, Eastern Cape, South Africa:

This description of it comes from The Government Gazette of South Africa:

This memorial, designed by Joseph Whitehead and cast in bronze by Thames Dillon Works in Surrey, was unveiled on 11 February 1905 by the Mayor of Port Elizabeth, Mr Alexander Fettes. The monument commemorates the horses that suffered and died during the Anglo-boer War (1899-1902). ...consisting of life-sized bronze figures of a horse about to quench its thirst from a bucket held by a kneeling soldier, together with the inscribed granite plinth on which it stands and the base of which incorporates a drinking trough.

I like the way the man is kneeling down, making himself lower than the horse.

Maybe we need a few more memorials like this, to remind us that it isn't just ourselves that get hurt when all the flag waving starts.

52/4 week 5

2012-01-11T23:35:00.000Z

Nathaniel's Nutmeg

by Giles Milton

"It was the last they would ever see of the Edward Bonadventure: at around midnight the ship's carpenter cut the moorings and, with a skeleton crew and a good measure of self-confidence, sailed off into the night leaving Lancaster and his men stranded."

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52/4 week 4

2012-01-04T23:39:00.001Z

The Waiting Room
by FG Cottam

"The windows from this distance were black, sightless. Creed shivered. He did not know why."

( -Just finished reading this great ghost story!)

As before, if you'd like to join in here's how-

Pick any book,
go to page 52
give us the sentence that contains line 4. -Can be more than one sentence, as mine was this time!

Leave your results in the comments. Or, if you want to put it as a post on your own blog, just leave us a link to find it there!

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52/4 week 3

2011-12-29T22:12:00.000Z

Ooops I'm a day late with this! Sorry! LOL!

52/4, week 3

Lost for Words
by John Humphreys

"The possibility that Alastair regards the media as disinterested - meaning dispassionate, without any axe to grind- is about as great as Tony Blair being the secret love child of John Prescott and Margaret Thatcher."

Hahaha!

As before, if you'd like to join in here's how-

Pick any book,
go to page 52
give us the sentence that contains line 4.

Leave your results in the comments. Or, if you want to put it as a post on your own blog, just leave us a link to find it there!

A Christmas Dream

2011-12-24T10:17:00.000Z

This is the dream Luvbug had the other night...

Scooter and Fluffy, Summer 2010

He dreamed that I was giving Scooter his medicine. I had it in my hand and he was just licking it up, no trouble. Then, Fluffy walked towards us to have a look and I said,

"It's OK, Fluffy. You don't need these any more!"

And she faded away.

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It was her anniversary on the 13th. She has a little candle by her box of ashes, an angel, and a little box, decorated with cat pictures, containing her last collar and a clipping of her hair. This is all on the side near my chair, with Christmas cards around. She loved Christmas, the sparkle and twinkles fascinated her. She would lie belly-up under the tree looking up through it at all the glittering lights. I miss her, but I'm glad she isn't hurting any more. It wouldn't be Christmas if my friend were hurting.

Scooter now has 4 cardboard boxes scattered around the floor. Various deliveries have provided him with this choice. If I try to clear one up he wants that one :)

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Have a purrfectly happy Christmas, everyone!

Christmas preparations

2011-12-23T15:54:00.000Z

Decided the oven needed cleaning. It keeps smoking, you see. Not meant to do that.

So I excavated the can of 'Mr Muscle' from the back of the cupboard, where I'd left it when I had first had the idea to clean it, oh, 4 months ago-?? and sprayed the stuff liberally all over the inside of the oven. Despite covering my nose and mouth, this sent me into an instant asthmary wheeze. Yuck! Some coughing and a few puffs on my inhaler later, I wondered, "Should I clean the roof of the oven , too?" I had a look and discovered that the whole of the roof slides out for cleaning. Oh. Never knew that. Gosh, that's a surprise after 7 years isn't it. So sprayed that too.

Then you have to leave the foam to eat all the bleagh gunk for up to 2 hours so I went and had a sit down and fell asleep.

Some time later......

I went to the kitchen for some tea and almost shrieked- in front of my oven, a large gloopy dark puddle was spreading into the room like a scene from CSI. Ohhhhhhh buggggggggggger.

Old cloths, newspaper, water and kitchen roll..... but hey this is worth it for a spotless oven for the Christmas roast, yes? Once the gloop and bubbles were removed I expected to see pristine metal but instead I've had to apply the rest of the can and have a second go. Not sure how I get to rinse all this off. We could be having salad for lunch on Sunday at this rate!

Regarding the Christmas food shopping, we thought we'd leave it till late, as a late night trip would avoid the crowds. SO we went to Tesco at 10.25 last night.

Going late was such a great idea that it had occurred to HALF OF COLCHESTER. We were back at midnight.

Just me, Luvbug, Mum and Scooter this year. But I hope to make it special with the trimmings and special touches..... how are your preparations going?

52/4 week 2

2011-12-21T12:10:00.001Z

Scroll down to the previous post for full details on how to play this, but BASICALLY you go to page 52 of any book and then line 4. Give us the title, author, and the line that included line 4.

Here's mine!

52/4, week 2

The Cat Who Came In From The Cold
by Deric Longden

"I examined his undercarriage very closely as he padded over my face and then the leaves shook as he landed on the soft earth."

To tell us yours-
I WAS going to put in a 'Mr Linky' chart but couldn't get it to work!!!
INSTEAD, if you want to join in, just leave your entry in the comments. If you do put it on your blog instead or as well, you're of course welcome to leave your link!

Time for some fun around here!

2011-12-17T03:31:00.002Z

Time for something lighter around here! -So I am proposing a new weekly 'meme'.

I am going to call it 52/4

What you do (and I hope some of you will have time to join in) is this-

Take a book, any book. It can be fiction or factual. One you are currently reading, or off your shelf, doesn't matter. (Kids books are definitely allowed, too. I wonder if Bob would like to join in with one of his Paddington Bear books....)

Turn to page 52.
Go to line 4.
Tell us the sentence that includes line 4. In other words, if it is incomplete you are allowed to go back to the beginning of the sentence or go on a few lines to end it. But give us THE SENTENCE THAT INCLUDES LINE 4.
Always include full name of book and author. (Do we also need an edition number? A publication year? What do you think??)
You don't have to scan in a pic of the cover, it's up to you. My scanner is out of action so I have taken the photo from Amazon. Not sure if that's allowed, but as it's basically advertising for them, I'm not sure they would mind!

I must stress this is not my original idea entirely- there was a blog or a website doing this a few years ago, though I can't remember what page or line number. If you know of that site, do let me know, so I can give credit, & if necessary ask permission, too! Meanwhile, I always thought it was a great idea so let's go.

Here is my first entry. I shall put one up on Wednesdays from now on. I'll do a 'Mr Linky' so you can join in and leave a link easily, if you want.

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52/4, week 1

(Currently reading)
A Small Weeping
by Alex Gray

"Then he was gone, the pretty table and the candlelight forgotten as he closed the front door behind him."

Let me know what you think!!!

Time does help, doesn't it?

2011-12-14T01:06:00.001Z

It wasn't till late Monday that I started to feel a bit more relaxed, but I still haven't had a night's sleep. This is mainly because of guilt, and things going over and over, conversations going through my head. Then my head runs away with itself in imaginary conversations, doing the whole day how I'd have liked it to have been done. Before I know it two hours of these scenes have played across my mind.

Thank you for lovely support. It does make a huge difference.

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Years ago, 1999, I was bullied so much at my last paid job that I took two weeks' off work with depression. I never went back because facing going back just made it worse, and I had had 9 months of it. I knew going back would be harder. So I was signed off sick.

I made an official complaint about the bullying and they investigated it and said that it hadn't happened. I was given a copy of the report and was stunned by the 'witness statements'. Ihad not expected colleagues to stick up for me, but neither had I expected them to INVENT stories, things that hadn't happened, utter lies. I was so shocked. Naive, I suppose.

The only person who had planned to stick up for me had been retired early and so wasn't questioned.

I appealed and lost.

Why am I writing about this? Well, last weekend brought it all back.

What came back in vivid technicolour is the sense of loss of self- in other words I no longer knew if I was ok as a person- I asked myself, "Is this me, in these descriptions? Am I this terrible person? Am I one of those people who just can't see how awful they are?" It's a dizzying experience.

Well I have been back there.

Today less so. Time is smoothing down the edges of guilt's claws, and tempering my ancient, post-Catholic duty of 'self examination'.

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No answer to the email I sent after the events. But they went on holiday Tuesday, so I don't think they had time to read it, and even if they had checked their email before leaving, it was a very long one.

Luvbug and I sent them flowers, delivered Monday. We spent time to carefully word the card so that I was not grovelling and wallowing in saying sorry as I feel strongly that I was provoked. There was right and wrong on both sides I guess. But we said something like, please know I would not have wanted the evening to end that way. Then we wished them a happy new year and a safe and happy holiday (they went to Mexico).

A text came from my brother Monday afternoon saying thank you for the beautiful flowers; we'll straughten things out in the new year. A huge weight went off me then, I think because the ball is left in their court. There is no need for it to hang over us at Christmas.

I can't help but feel relieved though, that they are away for a fortnight and so will be 1000's of miles away at Christmas so I don't have to worry about that other, big, sometimes fraught day!

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My old school friend, Jo, came up on Monday and we toured the shops. Luvbug gave me generous funds for a girlie lunch. She cheered me up no end.

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Monday night and Tuesday I have had to take my level-outer pills as I have felt myself going *UP* too far and too rapidly.

In bi-polar there can be the misperception that when you have an up it is all great and enjoyable! But really it means talking too fast, thinking too fast, doing 10 things at once, can't sit still, and then eventually headaches and eye pain and if you're not careful, hallucinations.

So much as I would like to coast along on the wave (as I do sometimes just because the extra energy means I can so much more done!) I have taken my trifluoperazine like a good girl. Mind you, it is now 1 a.m. and I am not in bed. Oops!

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Up early tomorrow; to mum's by 8 as she has a washing machine delivery. Can they give a better ETA? No, just some time between 6 and 10. (6????????? Does anyone really THINK of washing machines at 6???)

Can't believe Christmas is so close. Hadn't realised that school, and therefore Luvbug's work days, comes to an end this Friday. Stroof!!! Where has the last 1/4 of this year gone???? Strange how the passing of time is sometimes helpful, and other times so fast it is scary.

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Hope you're not all under winter colds and bugs out there. The weather has definitely gone wintry at last.... Bob The Bear has received an amazing sleigh in the post, which he'll blog about later. Now he looks out the window for snow every day :)

Disaster

2011-12-11T14:47:00.001Z

So I went to the wedding. I'd had about 3 hours sleep but I washed, dressed in my new clothes, fixed my hair and put on the make-up that I'd bought the day before. A big part of me had wanted to go and for it to all be wonderful, meaning that I'd spent a lot on clothes and shoes and new bag, haircut and make-up and even had had my eyebrows threaded- which had been excrutiating! So I had tried to get myself in the right mindset, you see. I HAD 'made an effort'. I stress this because it is the cause of the blazing row that started at the reception-

I went over to talk to my brother. We had all eaten the dinner and were waiting for dessert. A general hubbub and interlude. I went over to talk to my brother but the bride started talking to me right away instead.

Earlier at the church, I hadn't been able to face the service- as I had predicted. I did text my brother the night before and warn him that an hour long service might be too much for me. I wanted to forewarn him in case he turned round in the service, saw I wasn't there and wondered why.

Well according to the bride this text hugely upset my brother as did my not staying for the service. -I did NOT walk out of the service. I left before it began. I did this because it was an old church with old, boxed in pews, so the only exit was down the main aisle. Not good for quick, or subtle exits. SO I explained to mum and Luvbug, and sneaked out. Unfortunately it was just as the bride's party were hanging around at the door. My brother later told me that she had accused me of giving her a filthy look as I left, but I certainly did not!

I really don't think that they would have noticed me not being there if she hadn't seen me leave. THere were so many of their friends there.

But what the bride said to me during reception was that it didn't matter whether I was ill, or couldn't stand church services because of things in my past, or that I felt I was havign a panic attack, or that my depression had been particularly bad that week - all explanations I tried to give her whilst she was ticking me off for not supporting my brother- no, it didn't matter how bad I felt or why, "It's your brother's day, not yours, you see? You understand? It's his day." this is what she kept telling me. And it didn't matter how bad I felt or what reasons I had. Because HER sisters would have overcome it and put him first, she said.

NExt to my clothes. I explained that I had had to wear black trousers in the end- I made a joke of it- as it was hard to find anything this time of year as the shops only sold Chrismassy things. "That's ok, to wear something Christmassy, it's meant to be a celebration, Helen, not a funeral." was the reply. Poor mum, in black and navy. No one took the troubel tell her how nice she looked.

Well after all I'd been through- the fact that I HAD gone to the wedding to do precisely what I was being accused of not doing- to support my brother- something in me snapped. I went back to my table, pick up my things, told Luvbug, I can't stay, not after that, and went to the car....

That would have been enough, but although Luvbug came with me, Mum didn't, so I went back in to explain and to get her... Luvbug begged me not to go back in, but I was so fuming and maybe 2 1/2 glasses of wine hadn't helped (oh dear).

Well mum had gone over to say goodbye to the bride. God alone knows what she said to mum. Mum said she didn't hear half of it.

David was chatting to his friends and working his way to the door where Luvbug and I were waiting. Once he got there, we thought he was going to say something like, "oh dear, that didn't go well did it? Are you going early then?" but no, he started to say that this was HIS day and that I should put him first and I hadn't behaved properly and blah blah blah. SOmething in me was so mad! I told him how low and depressed I'd been, how we'd really tried to get to the wedding, how we had had to come to get mum there- even though she was mostly ignored by them when there!

-Here is how mum was treated-
we seated her in the second pew, behind where the bride and groom, and her beloved grandchildren, were to sit. They moved her back to another pew, further away, and put their witnesses, friends, in that place. SO in the wait for the bride's party it was to these friends that my brother chatted, not mum.

-no buttonhole! I asked if there was a buttonhole for mum, as a few people were wearing a red rose. No, he said. He told mum that as they cost £12 each he didn't get many. So just him, his boys and... the ushers! The ushers got a flower but not the mother of the groom!

-next mum fell went getting out of the box pew. I was in the Ladies' loo at the time, when I came back there was just her and luvbug at the top of the church. They explained what had happened. Had my brother known? Yes, he did. Was he there? No. Luvbug took care of her, though.

-Mum, Luvbug and I waited at the top of the church a bit late while they had official photo's taken. Mum was waiting to be called. But they never called her. All packed up and finished, they let. Mum was so upset. I went after them and asked my brother, what about a photo with mum? -She is upset, she wanted to be in a photo! His reply was something like, "Oh I suppose so, yeah maybe we should, I'll get the photographers...."

We were the only people from this side of the family there, we knew no one else. SO it was particularly difficult. We'd hope my Aunt Pat and 2 cousins would be there, we would all have enjoyed meeting up again. But my brother had invited my aunt and not my cousins, so the invitation was turned down- my cousins felt hurt and besides, my aunt and uncle unable to drive a long way, the cousins were needed to get them there!

Oh well.... back to the door of the hotel- my brother and I got into a shouting match only some of which I remember, but I do remember him shouting in my face that I have always treated him like shit.
WHAT the?? HOW???
Back to how this was HIS day....

There is more, a lot more, but the bottom line is that I felt that the bride had no business pulling me up at that moment anyway, and certainly could not judge me, as she didn't know how hard things were. All she would say to my explanations is that it didn't matter and that I should put my brother first. She went on to say I had not said congratulations to them and blah blah.... not that they had come over to the three of us, leaving us on our own, and not even thinking to include us in the photo's until I chased after them! We had brought cards and gifts.....not congratulations enough....

'Are you glad we're married, because you haven't said so!' she said. This put me as piggy in the middle as I knew that my brother had told me, when Steph had booked the date, that he would rather spend the money on getting a decent car that didn't keep breaking down. As far as we knew, this was her big idea, not his. So hard to congratulate him really, when we felt more sympathy for him...

Well the shouting went on right up to the front door of the hotel and till I got into the car, telling him that my family had treated ME like shit since I was 2 and not any more because they were all dead.

Oops.

Today I woke up and thought it had all been a nightmare.
I wish it had been.
I am shocked how it all escalated from the bride's words to a blazing row.
But telling me that I had to think of others touched a very, very raw nerve.

Next time when facing things I know I can't do, I shall listen to my gut, to my mental health, to my friends out there, and say no, I'm putting myself first this time and I'm not going....

I sent a long email to them this morning giving my side of what happened and how things escalalted etc. Luvbug went over it with me to make sure I wasn't emotive or angry in it.... I doubt it will be read but hey ho. I wish the whole day had not happened in a week when I have been worse than ever. At a better time who knows, I may have been able to pull it off. I feel a total failure that I didn't, a fool, embarrassed as guests must have heard us, I feel bad that mum had to leave early because of it all, I feel wretched about not being able to be normal, and confused as to whether to hate all of me or just my bloody head... suicide was breathly a suitable solution today, but a sleep and a hug from Luvbug, I am now bruised and battered, but ok to go out to the Xmas fair with mum in town..... I feel I have been hit by a truck....

I would love to hear your opinion good or bad, I need other perspectives maybe, I need to know I'm not the biggest shit around- or am I? the worst sister? I am utterly amazed that Luvbug still loves me today.

The Worst Week

2011-12-10T05:09:00.001Z

I've no idea why this last week has been my worst in a long long time.

I feel at best crabby, snappy, impatient and tearful, and at worst I feel like I'm having a breakdown: spinning thoughts, uncontrollable thoughts going places I don't want them to go, little sleep and what there is is filled with surreal dreams. It feels like my head is full of barbed wire. Cutting myself again the other day, a way to stop the traffic in my head.

Upped my back up pills from 2mg a day to 3 or 4, only to discover too late that the pharmacist gave me two weeks' worth instead of a month, so now I am down to 2 pills left... and my brother's wedding tomorrow.

I hate being in rooms full of people I don't know. I can't handle it. And the idea of being in a church again makes me feel physically sick. Tonight he told me the service will be about an hour-??? I asked if there were emergency exits down each side!

I don't want to go. My head is hellish. I am an inch away from a panic attack. And I STILL have to take care of mum. Today I was in town with her early again trying to get her something to wear for tomorrow. Finally she bought a black skirt, then fretted about the price for hours. Then I finished taking up the sleeves of her jacket...

Tried to approach the subject of me not going. Luvbug told me that if I can't face it, if it will push my head too far, to not worry as he will take mum and look after her there.

Well she is having none of it. I have to go to support my brother, you see. Like I always must. I must support my elder siblings, my younger brother... I am left asking myself, what about ME? When does what I need count? Stuff how bad I feel, I have to support my brother whose promise of inviting my mum up for a weekend each month to give us a break has amounted to three weekends in 21 months

Now I'm just rambling, I know. But there is no one to talk to. Even the emergency line at the therapy place I go to is engaged!

Bottom line- I am here to support my eldest brother, despite the abuse he put me through when I was little- I am also here to support my second eldest as he goes through his second wedding, even though I feel like I'm falling apart- I am to support my little brother, the one in Mexico, and glean info from him from his tiny emails for mum because she worries and he can't be arsed to call her or write to her- and according to mum, I am also here to cook Kevin's meals (the shock horror on her face when I give her a meal and there is nothing for Kevin because we will eat later. Where's Kevin's? or the time she was halfway to the kitchen and said -'Oh! I was going to make Kevin a cup of tea, but that's your job really isn't it?')

That's it, my role. Support everyone else around me and just accept that they either don't give a flying monkey's that I'm ill or-more likely- they simply don't believe that I am. Luvbug the exception to the rule of course, but to the others it is 'oh' get on with it'.

Will I go to the wedding? More than likely. After all, at 44 who am I to have a choice. This is why my head is full of barbed wire. It is being crushed, shrunk. I am screaming out for a break and no one can hear me.

Thank goodness for Scooter. My fur confidante. I feel I have no one in the world. I have lived here 8 years and made no friends. I am shrinking inside.

Can't believe how much i have cried this week. Or how fragile I've been.

Tried to explain to mum gentle why I might not go tomorrow. She said, I need to go to support my brother, and she is looking forward to standing next to me there.

Do you know, we didn't even get an invite? They gave one to mum and added 'plus Helena and Kevin'. Or 'plus carer and driver'.

It wouldn't be fair for Luvbug to take her on his own and face all those strangers. I know he means it when he offers, but it is too much to ask.

If I don't go no one will accept why. Since my first major depression at 13, and my first suicide attempt-induced coma at 14, well, it's all just for attention isn't it, is what they think. Mum even said it to me when I got out of hospital that time. How ironic that I'm the one left with her care now.

I have junk on tv, chocolate and my cat. I'll doze off eventually I guess....

ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU CHEW YOUR OWN FOOT OFF!!

2011-12-03T00:56:00.001Z

My elder brother gets married next Saturday. It's his second marriage. They've been together about 15 years and have two kids. Now, after suddenly becoming a Christian, his former atheist 'you're an idiot to believe in anything' partner wants a wedding. And so it's booked for 10th December.

I avoid get togethers like the plague. The last party I went to was a schoolfriend's 14th. The last wedding I went to was my brother's first one, 20 years ago. I left after the photo's. You can keep speeches, small talk with strangers, lukewarm food and loud music that no one would normally stay in the same room with.

But this time there is no getting out of it. Or as Mum so succinctly put it- "Well, they're expecting you up there, and I'm going, so you've got to take me." Well that's told me, then, hasn't it? Nothing like being 44 and under your mother's orders.

And it started about 6 weeks ago- the trial of trying to get mum something to wear. She wants to go shopping for clothes at least three times a week. No matter how slowly I walk for her, she slopes along three steps behind me. I try to keep my chin up and smile. Like today; "OK, what sort of top would you like?"
"Don't know."
She already has a nice navy blue jacket. The sleeves are too long and so I'm half way through putting these up for her, not fast enough apparently as she asks if I have done it yet at least twice a day.

So now we need trousers or skirt. I will need to put these up, too, as even 'petite' ranges don't cater for people UNDER 5'2".

Ever tried to find a short, straight navy skirt in the run up to Christmas? There aren't any. Anything with just the main colour being navy? You know, a pattern, whatever, doesn't matter? No. Everything not snazzy enough for a Christmas party has gone into storage and store assistants look up begrudgingly from conversation, mobile phone texts and magazines to tell me "Oh, well, if we did have that it would be out on the rail."

Occasionally over the last month and a half I have found items of clothing that would work. Usually mum just screw her nose up at them and walks off, or makes a sarcastic comment, or laugh derisively as though to say, "you like THAT? Oh my God! What's WRONG with you?"

It would be easier if she actually looked. But I look, she just wanders behind me. Then stands there, like a reluctant child in the summer holidays, being forced to shop for school uniform. But it is HER idea to come into town and look. Then once there it's all onto me.

Well today I had ENOUGH.

Let's concentrate on a top today, shall we?
OK.
So what kind of top do you want?
Don't know (shrugs, screws up nose)
I think white, cream or blue would go with your jacket.
Yes but what else? Do I get trousers or do I get a skirt?
(we have already had this conversation 50 million times but never mind)
Well let's concentrate on a top first. This shop has both, though, so we can keep an eye out.
(Then I find a white shirt, long sleeve- previous short sleeved selections have not past the wrinkled nose test. This shirt has a slim pin stripe in it, and in the stripes are flowers. Nice. Smart. Warm. Feminine.)
Ooo how about this?- I say, bringing her the shirt.
-She pulls a face.
Well, it's smart enough. Nice material. Will go. And you could wear it other places afterwards...?
-Screws up face, derisive laugh.
-Then she picks up a long sleeve T shirt. Big blue swirly flower pattern. Yeah, why not?
Yes, that's nice.
-I like that.
Yes, ok. Why not try that one on?
-Yeah.
Want to bring the shirt as well?
-Screws up face.
OK, we'll leave that.
Go to try on top.
Look at other selections on the way, no short skirts.
Get to changing rooms. Mum has a go at the assistant, saying that there are no skirts. Assistant reels off a list of other shops we should try, which we have already tried. I tell her this, and she doesn't believe me. She particularly doesn't believe that M&S have nothing suitable. The last thing I need is shop staff telling me to look harder.

Mum tries on the top and calls me.
-"It's too low at the front."
(It isn't.) Erm, no, no it isn't. But you could always wear your silky blue scarf around your neck if you fel cold."
--"No it's too low. You can see my vest."
Well leave it off for one day."
-Screws up nose.Then agrees, as she likes the pattern and the material.

Victory!!

On the way out of the changing area the assistant asks, "OK?"
"Yes," I beam. "We have success!"
Then mum appears, and thrusts the top into the assistant who stares at her, confused.
-"It's too low. You can see me vest."
"Uhm, what if you wore a light scarf with it, ma'am?"
-"No. I need it higher. And buttons. A few buttons up the top ."
"Shall I go and get that shirt, then?"
-"No, not today. Let's go home. We can come back tomorrow."

Great.
Tomorrow.
Saturday.
One of 3 left before Xmas weekend.
And we both hate crowds.
Oh what fun.

I text my brother, telling him of yet another fruitless afternoon shopping for Mum to get something for his bloody wedding. I am already cross with him because his promise to "take mum off your hands for one weekend a month" didn't come through for November, and won't for December either. Next chance I get of a day to myself is mid January. I tell him she might come to the wedding in jeans. He texts back that jeans are ok, so long as she has a matching hat.

Hat?
Hats?
Wha..?

Hic !!!!

2011-11-21T01:29:00.001Z

By far the very BEST thing about drinking just a little too much brandy is the warm toe effect. How much have I drunk? Em, let's just say I have exTREMEly warm toes.

:)

Hehehe....

well as I'm sitting here...er, sloping here... I thought I'd FINALLY load up pictures of some cards I produced in the summer. I was so busy I never got around to doing this...sorry!

Here is the card I made for Luvbug this year. His birthday was months ago but he still has this card on display!!!

Here is one I made for Jo, my friend from school. I love this stamped image; two wee girls killing time together, just like we used to!

Lastly, Luvbug's sister had a big birthday this year ( I shan't say how big) and this is the card we sent. Luvbug isn't a fan of decoupage. I find it soooo relaxing to do though, and so long as you fancy it up a wee bit it can still be artistic, IMHO. I did a crohet border on this one, which took a TINY crochet needle, so thin you could use it as a bookmark!!! Boy, I must have been feeling extra patient!:

Ah well Scooter has woken up for his midnight (ish) snack. I think I'll give him some of the pork we had left over from Sunday lunch. HE LOVES pork. But have you ever seen it as a flavour of cat food? -Never! This is quite worrying- first, it means they aren't providing a flavour that cats apparently love, and second, it may mean that the reason is cos they use EVERY part of the porker for US! Now THERE'S a sobering thought if ever I needed one!

Shhhh....what was that??

2011-11-16T00:35:00.002Z

Thank you all for the lovely birthday messages and Ecards !! :)

In the end we stayed in and ordered a Thai takeaway. It was quite good and came with a free bottle of wine. It was nice treat.
Back on a diet now. My brother's wedding is on 10th December. I don't want to be the fattest relative in the photo ;)

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Haven't been taking my back-up pills for a few weeks now. Feeling I can cope fine without them, but I may need to take them for a while for another reason- I'm hearing stuff again.

What I'm hearing is fairly ordinary stuff. In a way this makes it more difficult- if you're hearing weirdy spooky voices and whispers or lions roaring under your bed, you can just tell yourself 'No way was that real!' and tell it to shut the F*** up. But it isn't that easy if what you're hearing is cats meowing- when Scooter is fast asleep; or Luvbug coming home from work in the middle of the day, like I heard him do today, except when I went to greet him he wasn't there.

Over the last week I have heard cats coming in and out of the catflap while Scoot is asleep next to me (we've checked; no strays coming in). I've heard a cat meowing downstairs while I've been upstairs in the bath, but Scooter is asleep down there and Luvbug is with him. I've heard chairs being moved, dragged across the kitchen floor, yet they remain in their original spot. I've heard the oven on, then gone to investigate, thinking that I must have forgotten I was cooking something... but no, when I get there the noise of the fan stops. I've heard kitchen utensils moving and cupboards being closed, and invisible mail noisily comes through the letterbox.

It's all normal stuff so I have to go and investigate, make sure. If it were ghouls I could just tell them they don't exist, and so f*** outta here will ya, and all from the comfort of my chair or bed! Trust me to get the hallucinations that make 'sense'. Bleagh.

Getting on my nerves now, like a noisy neighbour. So, I took one of my back-up little blue pills tonight.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Everything else is fine-
Scooter's great, Mum's doing better than in ages, and Luvbug may have work booked right up to the end of term :) -funny how bad things come all at once, and then you seem to get a break everywhere at the same time too!

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

I'm trying to design a lino cut to make my Christmas cards from this year. Coming up with the design is harder than I ever imagined it would be! If I have your address you'll be on the list to get one um, eventually! If you've moved since last Xmas let me know your new address!

-Are any of you out there getting organised card-wise?

Birthday

2011-11-08T17:23:00.001Z

It's extrememly hard to have a happy birthday when those around you are so intent on being bloody miserable and bad tempered.

Sod them!

I had a lovely E-card from Feronia that really cheered me!
I had a nice 'birthday lunch' with Caroline, an old school friend, in September.
Then I met up last month with Andrea and Beanie in London. We had a nice 'birthday lunch' and went shopping at a great art shop.
My little nephews have sent me a funny card, which made me smile.....

I was going out for a meal with Luvbug tonight but I've told him not to bother booking anything. What's the point?

To be happy when all around you is misery and grump and criticism is very tiring. Stuff it. I'll have a long hot bath full of bubbles, a good book, and a sip of brandy. Then a nap on my own. And later, some time with Scooter. I didn't think he would still me with me today, I really didn't think he'd make it. He is my best birthday present of all and I love him.

Here he is this morning, helping me open some presents. He loves the sound of sitting on wrapping paper!

Horray for poo!

2011-11-02T11:34:00.000Z

Scooter did a normal poo! Horrayyy!!!!!!!!!! Well done, Scoob! (lol)

Phew! OK to fight another day

2011-10-30T10:26:00.001Z

Phew! Well the vet wasn't too panicked by Scooter's bloody poo. She said that it could be quite common for dogs and cats to have this if they have had a bad tummy upset, and he is really in the 'looks like coloured water' category lately, so that's a BIG upset. It might be that after so many kinds of medicine lately, he might have some ulceration inside :(

ALSO discovered that I might not have helped- as getting his tablets down him has been so difficult, I've been grinding them up and hiding them altogether in a bit of mushy food, then syringing this into his mouth. I just asked the vet if it was ok to give them altogether like this, and she said that there was one that I SHOULDN'T BE GRINDING UP at all. The one he has for his thyroid has a protective coating and needs to be digested slowly...... oh dear. I'm sorry, Scoob! He hadn't taken it for days and I was desperate to get it inside him. It's from that day that he's had the runny poos.

BAD MUMMY!!!

Yesterday we had another day of him not eating much. But he did enjoy more time in the sun. Me and Luvbug sneaked out to a charity book fair, where, after a few hours, we amassed 3 carrier bags' full of books. When we got back, Scooter was on a garden chair and when Luvbug went out to say hello, Scooter stepped up and put his front paws on the table and stretched up to greet him. Awww he really does love his lapdaddy!

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

This weekend Mum has gone to my brother's. Insert cheer here. It was touch and go as he said he might not make it cos his car was in the garage again. He did have a hired car, so I didn't really get why he couldn't commit. Hmmm. Mum was disappointed and said, "It's a break for me, you see." I had to bite my tongue and try not to laugh- a break for HER?!!! LOL! Well at least I'm glad she sees it this way. I'd hate for her to think she's being dumped somewhere against her will and then sitting there missing us.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

More fish is on the hob for Scoob. He has had a nibble at his dry food today for the first time in over a week and a half. That's a good sign (touch wood now!)

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

This time last week I was on my way to London to meet Andrea of Found Art fame. I should have blogged about this sooner! I forgot my camera :(
We went to a huge art shop, where I bought some stuff to do lino cutting. I'd like my Xmas card this year to be a lino print. Then we had a lovely lunch and a ride on the top of a London bus, seeing lots of the famous places. Andrea gave me an early birthday present. She had gone all the way to Harrods to find them- genuine little macarroons from Paris. WOW! Thanks again for these, and for a great day, Andrea!

Ooo yum. Sorry the photo doesn't show them all, but as Mama Bear can testify, some choccies move faster than the speed of camera.

You can read more about our day at Beanie's blog here.

Thank you all, again, for your kind messages of support and care.

Crossing fingers...

2011-10-28T13:21:00.001+01:00

Here I am again with another update on my furball.

He had a great day yesterday! He ate well, took his meds, and the snorting and cataarh seems to have almost gone completely- he has his normal purr back and even his normal sounding meow has returned.

We had to nip out in the afternoon to take Mum for a check up. I gave him a hot water bottle and left him dozing, but we all forgot that it would get dark by the time we were back, and forgot to leave a light on for him. Well, when we came in he sat up on his desk and meowed us a good telling off!

In the evening he jumped up to sit next to Luvbug lots of times, like he used to a while ago.

Last night I went to bed calm and happy for the first time in ages! I didn't feel it necessary to stay up with him or try to sleep on the sofa.

This morning, though, he suddenly looked very thin. He has always been a big fella. I remember one vet saying, as Scoot got out of his basket years ago, "Gosh, he's a big brute, isn't he?!" It is strange to see his tummy tuck well in behind his hips, to feel his spine and even a hint of rib when I stroke him. How can you lose weight so quickly?

He was haunched up for a while, and I guessed it was tummy ache- he has had runny poos since Sunday ::( I have been checking them to make sure there is no blood in them, and today for the first time there was.

So, it's to the vet again at 3.20 today.....

The passing of blood like this is associated with liver damage. It would be cruelly ironic if the meds have started to work but at the expense of his liver.

On the other hand, after nearly a week of runny poos maybe he could have something like piles! Not sure what they'll do today, maybe a blood test? I even scooped a little of the poo into a plastic box for the vet. OMG there is poo in my fridge!!!!

Well since that, he has eaten again. He has had steamed white fish and water. He and I sat on a blanket in the sun for a while, too. He loves the sunshine so much. His black fur gets warm so quickly!

I'm trying to think pragmatically, and tell myself that he had a good day yesterday and a sunbathe today, and both these things are unexpected blessings, and I'm so glad he has had these.

He is back on his chair, sleeping off his fish, curled up with the occasional little snore ;)

Please keep things crossed for us all................ and thanks so much for all your lovely messages, which are so helpful..........

Updates

2011-10-27T15:12:00.000+01:00

We've been so worried for Scooter as he hasn't been eating or drinking. Then yesterday he drank again, and took just a mouthful of food.

Today, he has had some special smelly mush from the vet (Hill's A/D)- about a quarter of the tin with his medicine hidden inside, and then Luvbug made him a fishy soup from tuna and warm water, which he lapped up. Scoot is now on 'his' chair, on top of a fluffy sheet and hot water bottle, sleeping it all off. He's quiet, no snorting, just the occasional snore :)

I took this just now-

I took these last night. He loves the fire but hasn't stretched out in front of it like this in a while;

When he got too warm he came and lay near to me and let me just rest my hand on him:

Despite the weight he's lost, he's still a lovely big bear cub of a cat, isn't he?

So what did the vet say?

Basically we have two options-

1) send him to an animal hospital near Cambridge, about a 90 minute drive away.
There, they will be able to use MRI scans as well as xrays to see if he has anything untoward in the skull or neck, like a tumour or polyps. Whereas my own vet would be able to do xrays here in Colchester, he wouldn't be able to do any surgery like this; hence the long journey.

2)continue to treat the symptoms with anti-biotics, decongestant and painkillers, monitor things regularly and if it all gets too waring for Scooter, that is, if it seems to be wearing him out and making him depressed, we let him go...

If Scoot were 10 years younger I think I'd take him to the hospital and do whatever I could. But at 18 1/2, and having had 2 seizures that I know of, there is a risk he won't come out of the anaesthetic.

I could say goodbye, then hand him over for the trip to the hospital and hope that it isn't really goodbye. But then he gets to be stressed and scared, driven away with strangers, handled by strangers in strange rooms. If he doesn't come out of that alive, it's a horrible last few hours to have. Luvbug says Scooter looks for me if I'm out or even upstairs too long. And when I'm alone with him he looks for Luvbug and his Granny. So he might feel abandoned, scared and confused.

So, sadly, though I think it will be accepting an earlier end, we have opted for (2). I still get bouts of guity tears, thinking I'm not doing all I can though...

Now, every day is borrowed, and a blessing. We've all shed tears.
Just have to try not to think ahead. Just give him what he needs for now, this moment. Does his hot water bottle need refilling? Would he like a scrunch under the chin? Must try to think no further than this, and we'll get through the next week or two, more if we are very lucky.....

Thank all again for your messages here, emails and texts. It all helps me when I'm tying myself up in knots over things..........

Off to the vet's later..... doesn't look good....

2011-10-25T12:41:00.000+01:00

Yesterday, Scooter was so sociable! He was going tap-tap-tap with his paw like he used to, tapping for attention or to tell us where exactly he'd like to be scrunched and tickled. When I hung out the washing, he had his head in the peg bag, investigating. Then he was pawing the washing and lying across my feet.

Later, he meowed through the open door, demanding someone come out and pay him due attention. I took a blanket out and stretched it on the grass in the sun. There, for nearly an hour, I was making a fuss of him, and he was stretching out on his side, purring and rolling over onto the back of his head.

Then he lay on the garden table. I sat with him, and he decided he wanted to be IN my cardigan the same time as me. He tugged at the fabric and then patted it down so he could sit on it. I was stuck for quite some time till I managed to get my arms out, making a little tent for us, at which point Luvbug took this photo of us.

Indoors, he jumped up onto the sofa next to Luvbug, something he used to do, but hasn't for ages. And in the evening he sat with mum.

He ate steamed white fish, wolfing it down and licking his chops, and took his medicine.

Now, what a difference a day makes...

This morning he is purring quietly. That snorting that had been a problem for weeks has gone. But he doesn't seem able to close his mouth, or maybe it is that he is breathing through it. One side of his nose is very runny, with gluey, blood-stained mucus. He won't eat or drink. And he has taken to sleeping in his litter tray, which he doesn't usually use; I have a clean one there 'just in case' for him, but he always prefers to go out to his patch in the garden. So strange that he is suddenly asleep in his tray.....

Vet appointment is 4.40pm. I just keep thinking how Fluffy took to sleeping in her tray near the end. And I can't tempt him to eat or drink.... I've got his medicine down him by grinding it down, adding it to some creamy food and squirting it into his mouth. It took him by surprise but then he sat there lipping his lips. I think he liked it in the end. It has helped a wee bit, maybe. But him being asleep in the tray is like a 'this is it' sign to me...... any thoughts from the cat people out there??

Meanwhile I have to pull myself together as I have an appointment with an ENT consultant myself this afternoon, about my hearing loss. It has taken months to get the appointment, otherwise I'd cancel it and stay with Scoot.

October sun

2011-10-22T13:49:00.002+01:00

Here is Scooter in the last of the summer sun. I sneaked this first photo through the kitchen window:

A little later, snuggled back down on his desk and blankies in the conservatory:

A sudden shower with the sun still out led to this rainbow appearing over our garden:

I hope it isn't 'rainbow bridge'.

Back to the vet next week. I've been reading about nasopharyngeal polyps in cats.
The symptoms seem to fit quite well, especially the chronic sneezing at the beginning, which Scooter was doing a few months ago. The idea of some growth in his throat fits too- the noise he is almost constantly making is like he is trying to clear his throat of something. And he snores, too.

I'll mention this article to the vet when we see him. But with his age, and seizures, who knows if he would come through surgery? It's knocked me sideways, all this, simply cos I never thought of him as an old cat! He's so big! Just today it's hit me that I need to think of him as a little old man, not my cheeky little boy.

Please keep things crossed for him.

Holding on

2011-10-21T21:24:00.001+01:00

Still here.
Thank you for your kind comments.

I stayed on the sofa last night. Managed to sleep a couple of hours. Made a fuss of Scooter, whose sinus problem was having a noisy stage. When Kevin got up for work I gave Scooter his morning meds in a piece of raw pork, then kissed K 'have a nice day' and headed for bed.

A little more sleep, check-in with mum on phone at 9am, then downstairs to check on Scooter who was........ sitting outside in the sun!

I kept an eye on him out there, and as the sun moved round so I put down blankies farther and farther down the garden to catch the warm rays. Eventually the roof of the house made it impossible to keep up. Eventually he retreated to indoors again.

Mum was up not long after 1. She has managed to get a bus here on her own for about 2 weeks now which is at once amazing and terrifying.

I cooked salmon for everyone. Scooter had a belly full.

I haven't eaten much this week, but I enjoyed my salmon pie and chips.

Still low. Cry when I think of Scooter not getting better.

Meeting up with Beanie on Sunday. Nervy but optimistic. Don't think I'm the best company at the mo.

I am saddest of all to see the summer go, especially when I see Scooter clinging to the last warm rays. He loves to lie in the sun. If only he were going into summer with this illness, not winter.

I can't think very much. I am worn out.

V low :(

2011-10-19T01:03:00.002+01:00

I've been sinking for a while, but bobbing up and down really, so not hitting the bottom.

These last few days it's almost undescribable but I'll try for you:

it's like when your computer goes into 'safe mode', shutting down everything but the essentials...
it's like being an origami shape that is now closing down inwards...
it's like grief, heart wrenching, head spinning, grief; intermittent periods of blankness despersed with seeringly sharp heartbreak and buckets of tears.

Saw the GP today. Sending me for bloodtests to test hormone levels and thyroid.

Then saw the art therapist, who told me to ring the team there, any time, whether he's there or not.

The pills don't work, not even the back up ones, so they've been increased.

I bought some brandy. But that doesn't work either.

Don't worry I only got a small bottle. I know it's not the answer. Just wanted a break from my head.

1am here. Off to bed I suppose. Check on Scooter..... he is holding his own but not vrey animated, eating, a little. It's harder and harder to get the pills into him. A part of me has broken deep down and said, he is going.... he is fading away.... and I fought and fought that feeling and those words till I had no strength left, like it was my strength that kept him going, and now something deep down has let go...

Oh ignore me. I'm potty. I wish I could be normal.

Scooter the brave

2011-10-15T19:14:00.001+01:00

I finally cleared up the conservatory, turned out two black bags of rubbish, re-filed stuff, discovered a duvet and pillow to wash and found a desk underneath it all. Hurray! A desk in the brightest room! A place to read, sip tea, crochet, create, in daylight............ er no, cos then Scooter found it. One folded quilt later and....

I took this one a few minutes later. He is enjoying the sun on his face. Look closely; I'm sure that's a wee smile there:

Like I said last time, there are times when he makes my heart go ahhhhhh......

This evening, on my return from taking Mum out for a few hours, he seemed odd. Not quite right. Mum was making a fuss of him, still there on the table, and I don't know what it was, but he didn't seem quite right.

Next Luvbug was helping get the washing in from the garden. I was looking at Scooter and thought he was falling off the table, so I ran indoors.

Scooter wouldn't be helped or hugged, instead he jumped down to the floor and, walking on his haunches, proceeded to sniff out a trail on a floor. He worked like a bloodhound, not lifting his head, just constantly sniffing as he went along, through and out of that room, then into and all round the next, obstacles either being ignored, whereupon he just marched on the spot, or climbed over under or through. He went through the living room, all round the edges while we moved stuff out of his way, then around the kitchen, to the back door, then back, round in circles.....

At first we sort of laughed, nervously, hoping that what had happened is that the catarrh had suddenly gone and now he was enjoying sniffing smells for the first time in ages! But I wasn't so sure. It was like he was having a manic episode.

At one point he circled my legs and did a tiny 'mow' as though to ask for help, so I lifted him up (I'd tried before but he'd wrestled me away) and held him for quite a while, whilst Mum and Luvbug talked quietly to him. He settled, relaxed, half closed his eyes after a while.. finally he was calm. Mum and I sat with him and stroked him and encouraged him to just rest. Then he was off, jumping down and over to one of his best stretching out spots. His eyes were meeting mine at last, so I felt he was back to normal.

When Scoot had a seizure a few months ago, they said it was really important to get him to eat, as seizures make the blood sugar drop. So I put a sachet of his favourite mushy smelly goodness in front of him and he ate nearly all of it.

He's now back to the quilt on top of the desk, stretched out. I keep checking on him.

Any cat people out there with any advice?

I think this was a funny turn, aka, a seizure. I wonder if this is it now, seizures on a downward slope. Maybe it isn't cataarh, maybe it's a tumour. The vet did hint at checking for this if the meds didn't work, trouble is, it owuld mean knocking Scooter out, and at 18 1/2 yrs old, that isn't advisable.

I've a had cry in the loo. And I'm sipping a brandy.

My poor cub.

More crochet....& update on Scooter

2011-10-12T13:14:00.003+01:00

Scooter's latest favourite sleepy place is by the conservatory door. He is lying on- a pillow, a folded fleece cover, followed by a memory foam cushion and a furry underblanket. I said to Luvbug, it's like that story, The Princess And The Pea. He suggested I put a cat biscuit at the bottom and see if Scoot can feel it.

He loves the conservatory because he can feel out and in at the same time, and cats like that.

I've invested in a Vicks Steam Vaporizer. You fill it with water, plug it in, and soon you have a steady stream of steam to humidify the room. I've switched it on in 'his' room. I'm surprised at how it heats the room up! I don't know if it will help his catarrh, but I can always use it when I next get asthma-ry myself :)

Over the weekend Scooter got so much better. We were all saying how amazed we were at such a recovery! Then on Sunday night, soon after I gave him his night dose of anti-biotic, he suddenly got worse, wheezing and snorting with every breath, unable to settle or eat. I stayed up with him till 3am. Eventually I got him to rest by continually stroking and gently pushing into the area under his chin/back of his throat. When I did this the snorting stopped. After 15 minutes or so I was able to remove my hand without the noise returning and so my poor cub got to sleep at last.

8am I was up, and the noise in his throat was back. It didn't calm down till the afternoon. I rang the vet, desperate to know how on earth he could have gone backwards like this. He said that maybe the anti-biotic had just 'loosened a big piece of horrableness' and now Scooter was having to deal with it, uable to cough it out or spit like we would. So on his advice I continued with the medicine.

He still isn't 100%. But he is eating and likes being stroked. Still a bit noisy and sniffy. The decongestant is a real help, I think. I didn't even know cats could have these and wonder why he was never given them before.

Right now he is out in the October sun. I've put one of his covers on the outdoor table and he has used the chairs as steps and got up there and stretched out. He makes my heart go "Ahhhhh...."

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Here is a bit of felting. I crocheted this bag in wool and then threw it in the washing machine with some towels and hit 'hot as you like'. It shrank, and while still wet I pulled it into shape, filled it with bubble wrap and left it to dry.

Next, I used old skirt material to line it, added a piece of ribbon label inside, and a magnetic clasp.

I covered the clasp with a square of the skirt material and sewed on small buttons (because I didn't have a single one big enough!)

The local fabric/wool shop had a competition to make a bag or a cushion, so I entered it. I knew it wouldn't win but I just wanted to see it with all the others. That was good!

I'm enjoying learning to crochet but have to pace myself and stop as soon as my finger joints hurt. I still can't do a circle. That's my next challenge: I've found a pattern for a lovely round cushion cover.....

First in a series of catch-ups, or at least, that's what I plan!

2011-10-07T22:24:00.001+01:00

Meet Caroline.
Or to be precise, meet Caroline meeting Bob and Dilly!

Caroline and I met at St Thomas More's Primary School in the mid 70s. We were great friends, despite her being a year below me, meaning different peer groups and clubs etc. And of course, me leaving for secondary school before her.

After I'd left we kept in touch as penpals. Nowadays I suppose kids would swap mobile phone numbers and text each other. Exchange messages on Facebook? But I wonder if these methods will produce a correspondence that will stand the test of time. Writing letters was fun. Getting post was exciting. And tangible letters written on best paper were kept, whereas modern messages are deleted.

Well despite keeping in touch all these years, the last time we'd actually met was 1996! I sent her something for her birthday last month, and she wrote back to say that she was coming to my area for a conference- and couldwe meet for lunch? My instant response was panic, panic, panic. But here is the advantage of the faster paced correspondence- a text response was called for, and delay would send a message of coolness, would it not? So I said yes, and worried about it afterwards.

There was nothing to worry about, of course, I just get sooooo nervous. I'm always convinced that people will only like me while they're not meeting me.

We had about 2 hours before she had to go. The weather was amazing and we ate outside among the trees in the garden of an art cafe. Lots of laughter!

I do hope we meet up again soon. We can't possibly leave it 15 years again- I'll be 58!!

Here's what I sent Caroline for her birthday.
I've been teaching myself crochet since June/July.

Still can't do circles.
But I can do even squares at last.
I lined this little purse with fabric from a dress I bought in Peacocks for £2 (good way to get nice material, I have learned!)
The button was from a bag of vintage buttons bought at a fair, about a dozen for £2.50.

I am enjoying getting into crochet and rummaging for vintagey fabric.

This purse is made with bamboo yarn, so is really soft. I've also done some in wool, then felted them. I hope to do more updates and show you some!

Thank you all for your purrs and purrayers for Scooter. I managed to get his medicine down him today, his snuffles and snorts seem less, and quieter, or maybe I just hopeful. He has slept most of the day away, and hasn't eaten much. Though he did enjoy joining in with our fish 'n' chips this evening!

Paws crossed for Scooter again please...UPDATED

2011-10-06T10:49:00.002+01:00

....I do promise to blog about something cheerful soon... like a look at the crochet I've learnt, or photo's from the park, all those things I;ve fallen behind showing you.....

But until then, please concentrate your thoughts on my dear cat, Scooter. His 'sniffles' this summer didn't clear, and now he is left with a thick cataarh that makes each breath a snort. He can't smell his food so he isn't eating very much. He doesn't like cuddles.

Asleep in his tent. He loves it indoors and out!

He loves the tent I bought him. Inside are his favourite blankies and at night I place a quilt over the top and tuck a hot water bottle at the side. Once he is in a deep sleep he sleeps soundly. A cute snore for a while, then quietly.

The snorting noise grows louder when he tries to purr...... :(

I am low at the moment anyway, much of which I suspect is hormonal, but the result is that I have no more tears to cry at the moment. I have wept buckets two nights in a row. Please can you all send good vibes to this dear gentleman of cats, who passed his half birthday last month, making him now 18 1/2.

V-E-T appointment today, 5.55 British Summer Time.

I'll let you know what he says....

UPDATE

The vet said that Scooter didn't look worn out or too bothered by his predicament, which is good. I had to give a bad report of my efforts to get anti-biotics down him, I'm afraid. He would have had about half his prescribed course.

For the moment, he says let's assume it's a nasty dose of phlegm and not go looking for tumours and other nasties...... The anitbiotic seems to have done enough to stop him having a runny nose, but didn't break it all up. So he has prescribed a different antibiotic together with a decongestant. I've also ordered a warm-steam vaporizer from Amazon. (Well, if it doesn't help Scooter, I'll put it in the cupboard for our own wintercolds or my next bad dose of asthma!)

Now for my new method of tablet admin: I crush the medicine in a pestal & mortar till it's powder, then mix into a little gravy or paste or jelly, something from one of his favourite flavour of the moment. Then I scoop this into a syringe and, when he is least expecting it, squirt it into the side of his mouth.

Some gets immediately rejected and projectile-vomited into my hair, and my fingers get covered in scratches, but hopefully most of the medicine gets in.

He seems to forgive me after about 15 minutes.

I'll follow this regime for 14 days and hope it cures all.......

Thank you for you kind messages and crossed fingers and paws, please keep them crossed!

Helena

Love this!

2011-09-12T22:07:00.004+01:00

This is my favourite TV ad of all time! I miss it!!!

(Watch out for the frog!)

Now, aren't you smiling?

For Miss Peach

2011-08-25T11:58:00.000+01:00

The princess of blogger cats has curled up her tail and snuggled down for the last time. Poor, dear Miss Peach, whose gave us so many smiles and, at almost 19, gave me so much hope when my own, shall we say, 'more advanced in meows' cat, Scooter, was unwell.

Dear Miss Peach. Thousands of miles away, yet her peachiness, gentle, yet knowing and strong, reached all the way to Colchester.

I was late discovering she had moved on as I'd been unable to log on.... I only found out today and have wept buckets for my dear friend across the pond.

I wore my peach coloured scarf when I went to the shops, and chose some flowers... which ones, I thought, as I walked round the flower stall.... suddenly the absolute perfection in peachiness appeared. A mixture of pink carnations and orange roses. Who on earth would normally put those together in a bouquet? Yet together they were perfect- peachy.

I have placed them in a vase near an orangey pottery cat. Nearby, little Fluffy's precious ashes, and a candle for each of them.....

I'm alone tonight with my Scooter, as Luvbug is away in Ireland. But Scoot has taken to snuggling next to me and stretching out under the duvet with me. I'll appreciate his cheekiness and warmth even more tonight.

Hedgehog appeal!!! CAN YOU HELP??

2011-08-15T17:52:00.000+01:00

**this post will stay at the top for the summer; please scroll down a bit for new posts!**

I've volunteered to man a stall at some summer events, to raise money for Hedgehog Haven, a local charity that helps hedgehogs. There will be a tombola and also a bric-a-brac stall with a hedgie theme.

I have a few 'Penny Black' hedgehog toppers that I'm going to make into cards to sell on the day, and I wanted to ask stampers and crafters and artists out there- can you spare something to put on the stall for the hedgies??? Even just one picture or card, a few bookmarks maybe, or something drawn or stitched???? If you can spare anything, please drop me an email for my address. The hedgies will be very grateful!!!!!

**THANK YOU!!**

ps:

Mum just read this post and said that I should make sure you know that I don't want any actual hedgehogs sent in ;)

Relief

2011-07-31T13:59:00.000+01:00

We've had the call from the vet, and been pleasantly surprised by what she had to say....

Scooter's Liver enzymes are up, but not as high as a year ago. The same with his kidneys- some dysfunction there, but not as bad as a year ago. His thyroid is normal, so no change in his thyroid meds needed. The only thing that jumped out was his white blood cell count, which was high. This could be because he is still fighting a sniffle, or might also be because he has spondylitis in his spine. I know that my arthritis has thrown up odd readings when I've had blood tests, e.g. bilirubin being high, but this happens with any inflammation. So maybe it is his riketty old bones that are making that reading high.

I was so relieved that the results weren't showing some dreadful decline.

It also makes me sure that the seizure was a reaction to the flea treatment. The vet said that as he has been treated with it before with no trouble, she doubted it was to blame. But I think it would have been possible for Scoot to have a seizure like this and me miss it: if the other day had been a normal school day, and not a holiday, I wouldn't have known any different. I'd have been at mum's in the afternoon. By the time Luvbug picked us up on the way back from work, the seizure would have been long over and Scooter would have been sleeping it off. We'd have come in, seen him asleep, and thought, ahhh he's ok, sleepy old boy. By 6pm he'd have been up and about, recovered, and eating his supper.

You see? It's possible he HAS had a reaction BEFORE and it's gone unnoticed.

No more 'Frontline' flea treatment for him!

My Scoob seems to be sleeping it off!

2011-07-28T23:05:00.001+01:00

'Scoob' or 'Scooby' are just two of my nicknames for Scooter. Others include Scooter-fella, Fella, Fella-me-ladio, Munchkin-Pie (Ok we're getting to the really silly ones now) Angel Toes, Angel Cake, and by this time he just isn't listening to me any more.

He has eaten well since yesterday's scare, and is drinking normally. He is verrrrrrrrry purry and soppy and friendly. We were so relieved to see him climb up the sofa to his spot on the windowsill again. I had just been thinking, oh, he won't be doing that any more..... and then I walked into the room just as he was climbing up there. No exageration to say that I felt like my heart leapt up when I saw that....

Here he is, consulting his Bear...

making the most of the sunny day...

Back up on the windowsill.... he has two blankies up there, his favourite being the fluffy red one...

oooo snuggly fluffy soft blankie....

I can't believe this is comfortable but cats don't seem to mind the weirdest sleep positions!

"You can take my photo, but you can't take my Crazy-Cosmic-Catnip-Banana!"

Aahh.. touch wood, and keep things crossed. He seems to have got through it ok, but I'm not going to relax yet. I'm afraid if I relax, something bad will happen. No results form the vet yet. I think we'll get a call tomorrow. Everything crossed till then.....

THANK YOU all for your lovely messages of support whilst I've been worrying and blaming myself and stuff...

Paws crossed for Scooter....

2011-07-27T17:19:00.000+01:00

In the end, I had to give the anti-biotics to Scooter, despite the warnings I'd read about them not being good for cats with kidney dysfunction. No alternative was available. He had the last bit of one this morning.

Lately, although he eats his biscuits, he is off his wet food. This is a problem because it's the wet food that you can hide medicine in. He has regular meds for hyperthyroidism (or hypo-, I'm not sure which) and some drops for pain management.
In the last few days I discovered he will eat some raw pork mince, so I have given him his meds in this.

Last night I gave him an anti-flea thing on the back of his neck ("Frontline"). He has had this before withough problems....

This afternoon he had a seizure.

We rushed him to the vet.

He had been twitching all through his front legs and face, and his eyes were bulging. We rang the vet as soon as we saw what was happening, and got an appointment for 40 mins time. During the interim it sort of righted itself; he seemd normal again, purring, but could not stand or walk. I was terrified I was losing him.

Whilst at the vet he seemed to come right. Bit wobbly, perhaps. Eyes ok, heartbeat ok, temp ok. Walked a few steps round the table ok.

Did a blood test; blood sugar low, but may be result of the seizure.

Did other blood tests; may be liver enzymes. Had trouble with these levels before. Will know results tomorrow evening.

Sent us home with two tins of Science Diet A/D; a high energy pate. The vet said he had to eat straight away and that if he hadn't eaten by 6 this evening to bring him back. So I was glad to see him eat half a tinful as soon as we got home. Now he is sleeping it off near to Luvbug's feet.............

I don't think I should have given him the flea treatment. Seizure is listed as a side effect, but a very rare one. Then again, he has had them before. I wanted to give it because he has lots of little scabs on his skin, where he has nibbled himself. Sometimes he spins round and nips himself suddenly like he has just been bitten or is itchy. So although I haven't found fleas when I've groomed him, I still thought he had them.

I hope he is going to be ok. I will forever blame myself if he isn't.

Please keep your paws crossed for him.He is snoozing now.

About time I popped in here

2011-07-19T13:33:00.000+01:00

I am just finding it so hard to get round to blogging. The times when I am actually free I seem to have to catch up on sleep! My latest med, pregabalin, seems to knock me out or make me soooo dizzy and whoozy all I can do is try to curl up somewhere.

Mum is doing really well, and so is fine nowadays if I have to say, look, can I see you later than planned cos I'm so dizzy?

My current worry (!!!) is Scooter, who has lost weight and is drinking more water than usual. He also has days when he won't eat.
We took him to the vet.... now, meanwhile, I had discovered that one of the antibiotics they gave Fluffy last year should never have been given to her as -and this is from the manufacturer's website- it should never be given to cats with kidney problems, especially if they are having trouble with passing urine. That is Fluffy exactly, but they gave it to her. I am left wondering if it is what sent her downhill so suddenly, because she changed literally within a few hours of that vet visit.

Anyway. I took Scooter to the same vets, but asked for the partner rather than a visiting vet. Scooter had a cold and was sneezing a lot. So the vet prescribed some anti-biotics..... and gave us the same ones. I queried them, saying I'd read they shouldn't be given to cats with poor kidney function (Scooter is 18 so he will have some, even if the symptoms aren't full blown yet). Well, this vet knew nothing about it and insisted there was no anti-biotic that couldn't be given because of kidney problems.

Hmm. I started to doubt myself and meekly came home with the tablets, thinking oh well, I must have got it wrong. Why do I do that??? I looked it up straight away and yep, I'm right, it is these same ones.

The vet was off on holiday next day. I gave the tablets to Scooter for a few days but not the whole course. He is a little better but drinking loads of water, which isn't a great sign.

I'm waiting to see someone this Thursday who recommended another vet to me in the past. I can't remember who she said, so I'm going to ask again and then take him there instead.

He is also FiV and on thyroid treatment- he should be having regular blood checks for these things and has only had one since last May with this vet, even when I ask about it.

AAAAARGH.

So it is back to my usual adage; if only people would do their jobs properly, the world would be a far less stressful place!!!!!

Arty surprises

2011-06-24T14:59:00.001+01:00

A great surprise arrived in the post this week! This is from Andrea and Beanie at Found Art; a selection of their Art Cards, for the hedgehog charity stall. Brilliant!

Thanks Andrea!!!!

Meanwhile a church in south Colchester had its annual exhibition of amateur art. We went a few years ago, saw a lovely mixed media picture, didn't buy it, and talked about it ever since. D'oh! So this time when we went I went prepared; change for cake and tea, and cheque book for just-in-case.

Here's the church, All Saints, Shrub End:

Inside.....the walls were covered with pictures. I was quite tempted by this one on the far left; it's of a tabby cat on a bed!

Mum enjoyed it!

This was one of mum's favourites-

...but she wouldn't let us buy her any of the pictures; even though this one was available as a £1.20 card, she said no. Oh well! She had a nice cake and cup of tea though ;)

One of my favourites. It was just called 'Ireland'; a pen and ink wash for £20. Lovely!

Lots of people-

View to the back of the church- those two paintings either side were lovely, but were £650 each!!

Luvbug was keen on a couple. Then it struck me that it's his birthday next month and I had no idea what to get him. Ding! Little light bulb went on. I asked him to pick one of his favourites for his birthday present (I offered this after consulting the catalogue to make sure I could afford them though! LOL!) In this end he chose this; 'Country Lane';

-this is it hanging in our living room! I can't do anything in pastel at all, so I was very impressed to read that this is pastel!!

It gets even nicer the more you look at it!

By the evening I was regretting not snapping up that pen and ink wash of the Irish castle :(

Well, the next day, Luvbug dashed off to the exhibition, convinced them to open early, bought one of the pictures and nipped back home again.

By about 3 in the afternoon he couldn't stand it anymore and said to me, "I do love you, even though you're very unobservant!"

Huh? Unobservant? I started to look around.... eventually I spotted it! Here is that Irish castle on our wall, under my pawtrait of Bob T Bear;

Isn't Luvbug sweet?????

*** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Well blogger has been playing up this week I know, but now it seems to have swallowed my signature as well!

TTFN!!

The comfort of craftiness.... and colds, and a sprained ankle ;)

2011-06-17T17:50:00.002+01:00

A horrible combination of things conspired together to bring me quite a nice day today, despite the rain, and Scooter's sulkiness at not being able to sunbathe!

-First, I racked my bad ankle.
Remember I sprained it last week? Well I've had it strapped up during the day, but not at night. So this morning, when someone was banging on the door really loudly and urgently, I didn't think, I just jumped out of bed and ran downstairs- without any strap on my bad foot!!! AAAAARGH!

Turned out to be a strange looking wee Greek fella in purple dungarees;

"Come to do your carpets?"
"Er... no thanks!"
"Yeah, I've come to do yer carpets, love!"
"Um, no, no thank you!" (confused!)
"Well yeah, I've come to do yer new carpets. Fit 'em?"
"Oh, well, er, I think you may have the wrong address?"
"Nah, it says number 2. This is [says name of this road] innit?"
"Yes."
"Well that's what it says 'ere."
"Sorry! Not us!"
"Can I talk to your husband?"
OK now I'm confused, in pain AND LIVID!
"Sorry, don't have one! Bye!"

BLOODY CHEEK!!!!! Oh, my other half has ordered new carpets but why should I, with my little female brain know anything about it? WTF????!!!! I mean, apologies to Luvbug if he has suddenly ordered new carpets for the house as a weird surprise present or something, but WTF??????!!!!!

ANYWAY so now, although tired (still not sleeping) I am also wide awake so I make tea, make a fuss of Scooter and sit down with the radio on. Foot is throbbing. But I soon doze. Mum rings, sounds like she has a cold suddenly- was ok yesterday, now croaky. Then the heavens open and the rain pours..... so it's decided that instead of going to mum's this afternoon as arranged, we both need to stay indoors and rest.

Horray!!! I ache, I'm wound up, my foot is killing me, but I have some free time! Horray!!! :)

So I decided to make my fox.....

Issue 2 of Mollie Makes arrived last week:

With it, you get a free kit for making a felt flower....

Made mine, but not sure what I shall do with it........

I'm still sorting out my craft space and I'm thinking of having a noticeboard for displaying card that people send me, so I could pin it up there :)

Inside the mag is an article about making a felty fox:

The designer, Lori, has a blog, here......Pretty Little Things - have a look!

So anyway I made my fox. I made him 2/3rd the size of the pattern as I didn't want a big toy one, I wanted a little lavender one.

I gave him a little fish instead of a flower....

Spot the deliberate mistake!
I sewed his tail on back to front!!!! LOL!!!

Oh well!!!

Here's what I stuffed him with- some merino wool tops left over from my needle felting the other year (oooo now there's an idea...) plus some dried lavender.

The lavender is really strongly scented. I bought it from Land Cuckoo, which I think was recommended to me by Mrs Nesbitt. Mr Scooter can also recommend her their handmade Catnip Sacks, btw.

I wonder if, as a lavender sack, Foxy might be better with his tail curled round and fixed with a stitch in front?-

I'm also wondering if to make half a dozen and sell them at the fairs I'll have a stall for, in aid of the hedgehogs. Maybe I should try to make a hedgehog design. Any ideas?! Maybe a felty nose and tummy and something like hessian for the prickly bit....

This is a scrap I bought from the 15p remnant basket at my local haberdashery: CATS!!!!

I like to rummage in that shop. Foxy's belly is from a 15p scrap of soft suedette.

I had to hand-sew Foxy, as I still can't work out the sewing machine. But I've invested in this:

LOL! So I shall soon, hopefully, be fully mechanised!!!!

*** *** *** *** *** **** ***

It was so lovely to sit and sew, with Craft TV on low in the background, and only having to get up for more tea or to dry Scooter after he'd been out in the rain *AGAIN* just to see if it were still wet.

Mum and Luvbug got here half an hour ago, so I just have time to add my photo's to this blog, then it's back to the kitchen...... ready made chicken pie this evening, I think will do though ;)

Hope you're all ok. Thanks for all the support and hugs........

Coming out of the haze

2011-06-12T16:17:00.001+01:00

Gosh, sorry. I don't remember writing that last post. If I had remembered it, I'd have done an update on it sooner, in case people were worrying about me. THANK YOU ALL for all your loving support and messages.....

I don't remember much of last week, apart from Friday.

I went to my GP Thursday morning. It was an appointment booked in advance to ask for a cholesterol test (mine's always high; whole family's is high, so have a check every 18 months or so...) ANYWAY I got in there and I burst into tears, and I remember telling her about hallucinating rabbits and being so desperately low, but I don't think it was a very long appointment. Or maybe it was, but to me it seemed like 5 minutes. It just flew by.

She gave me a form for a blood test. Hmmm. They are usually green. This was white and in small writing it said something about 'psychotropic elements' -wha?? Does she think I'm high? I mean high from illegal stuff and s**t??

Outside, I fell over. Searing pain through my right ankle. I heard people behind me saying something - it was pre 9am so still the 'school run'. I actually remember thinking, "Is anyone going to help me down here?" (!!!) A woman came and asked if I was OK, took my arm, but I said I was ok, thanks, I thanked her over and over.

Don't recall getting home. Don't remember the rest of Thursday at all, except taking a razor to my left forearm and, being surprised by how much blood came out, covering it up with a large white dressing.

Friday- I tried to get out of bed and AAAAAAAARGH! I looked down and saw that my right ankle was twice the width of my left one. Luvbug drove me to A & E. I had my blood test whilst there. An X-Ray said all ok, just a sprain. So I have an elasticky thing on it. My arm was in a bad way. I told them it was all part of falling in gravel. They cleaned it up and redressed it. Today I've just put a new one on.

No driving till I can 'hop on the bad foot 20 times' and no cycling. Actually, I quit my driving lessons last Monday. Just the start of a bad week......

I'm meant to be sitting with my foot 'higher than my bum' and then draw the alphabet with my toes. But I'm afraid I'm not being a very good patient as habitual seating positions are just too hard to give up ;)

*** *** ***

A smile:- Scooter has again taken to sleeping upstairs on our bed. He comes in all meows & chortles, and snuggles in between us, sometimes under the duvet, in which case he leans on me. The other night he came in soaking wet form the rain and gained access to the bed via a climb over Luvbug's neck LOL

Nosedive

2011-06-08T22:54:00.003+01:00

NIght wanderings...then nightmares,then wanderings, then nightmares, then rock bottom, can't control the tears but must; mustn't let mum see them. Sneak into garden, into loo, into magazine, cook onions. Anything to hide them.

Today, or was it yesterday first, yes, yesterday, awoke on sofa. Luvbug off to work. This morning; awoke on floor in front of fire with Scooter. I am still in MOnday's clothes. But as I can't seem to remember what day it is....

Excuses excused me from appoinments. I fed my dinner to the birds.

Angry today, angry angry, couldn't find something. WHy is everywhere in this house such a mess? Understair cupboard; why so many boxes? So much packaging? OUT OUT OUT.

Luvbug and mother arrive mid cardboard exile. I overhear him guide my mother through the storm.

I stop for cups of tea. And Lorazepam. My friend today. I forget how many I've had. And a pregabalin. What the hell. Luvbug leans over me and strokes my arm. I tell him, sorry,sorry Im not normal. Just as he is saying I'm fine and that he loves me, that word 'sorry' turns into a rabbit, I mean a real, live, rabbit, and it runs along his arm and I smile. It's tiny and long and slim. Grey. I've seen a few of them since.

Blog candy for Cancer Research....

2011-06-05T21:53:00.000+01:00

Sarpreet over at World Of Sarpreet is offering blog candy valued at around £70. I rarely put blog candy in a post, although I do sometimes put a link in my sidebar, but this offer has a twist; if you also buy one of her cards from Etsy or Ebay, she will give you lots of extra entries PLUS she will give the money raised to Cancer Research.

Blog Candy Includes:

Papermania Embossing Folders - Stars (worth £2.99)
Wild Rose Studio Printable Papers On CD Spring (worth £14.99)
Wild Rose Studio Printable Papers On CD Christmas (worth £14.99)
Basic Grey Paper Pad - Oliver (worth £4.99)
Basic Grey Paper Pad - Olivia (worth £4.99)
Basic Grey Paper Pad - Lime Rickey (worth £4.99)
Penny Black Stamp - Owl Be Yours (worth £6.65)
Fizzy Moon Stamp - Bunch (worth £3.99)
Wild Rose Studio - Molly In The Snow (worth £4.99)
Memento Ink Pad - London Fogg (worth £4.75)

So, if you have a mo, do pay Sarpreet a visit!!!!

The muse may be sneaking back....

2011-06-01T23:08:00.003+01:00

I bought two extra craft mags this month (gulps; feels slightly guilty).
The first is 'Simply Homemade', which is only in its 4th issue. I'm afraid I bought it solely for the free stamps!!!!
I uhmed and erred about it, put it back, then went back to WH Smith a few days later and bought it anyway... because as well as a tree and a bird, one of the stamps is a large ladybird, and I know someone who LOVES ladybirds...... so I made these for her-

instead of attaching the toppers to blank cards, I folded some cotton paper in 4 to make a 'notelet' and attached them to these;

(Some of these photo's are a tad blurred- sorry about that, the light was poor, that's my excuse- )

the stamp included the antennae but I used chain stitch in double cotton thread instead :)

I packed them up with envelopes and a homemade label:

and a notecard:

and off they went to the Netherlands. Ssshhh! I think it's ok to say. She doesn't really pop in to this blog, she's usually around Bob's place ;)

OK next!!!!

This is a new magazine, called Mollie Makes.

You can look inside the first issue here.

I signed up for the first three issues for £5. The advert for this offer was in my papercraft magazine-

....so in the absence of a detailed contents list, I assumed it would have lots of papercraft in it. Not so! It is very inspiring, though, with interviews with crafters and lots of photo's etc., but mostly for sewing, knitting and crochet, home design, that sort of thing. So I've cancelled any further issues after my initial 3. I would recommend you have a look at it though, if you spot it. It really is something different, and very lovely. But for me it would be a sort of coffee table book- inspirational but not entirely useful!

Anyway, enough waffle.
This mag comes with a kit each issue. This first one comes with a kit to make a mobile phone holder:

Here is the holder I made with the kit, and my phone.

Incidentally, it isn't as flash as it looks, my phone. Although I do enjoy it. It's newish, see, I've only had it a month or so. It comes with a built in pointy stick for you to type with on that touch screen. Cute ;) No, it's not an I phone! It was £34.99 at Tesco (no affiliation blah blah blah though my Bear loves Tesco cos he gets to ride in the trolley, which you can't do in Waitrose, as they give you funny looks in there if you let your Bear ride in the trolley.)

The other side.

Now, that brown felt was my own. All the other felt came in the kit. The felt they supplied was VERY thin and stiff, more like a kind of handmade paper. I took the grey felt that they supplied for the main part of the case and used for a lining:

Next month's issue comes with a kit to make a felt flower. Hmmm. I wonder if the felt will be of any better quality. Never mind, you still get the pattern!

I really enjoyed making this as it was something I needed. It works well and my phone doesn't slip out of it at all so the screen is protected at last from all the junk in my bag.

Hope you enjoyed browsing!

NEXT I need to clear out the 'craft room'
For 'craft room', read-

'Small room between the kitchen and the back door, near the piles of recyclable plastic and paper that are awaiting the right collection day. Listed as bedroom 4 by the estate agent but used as an office by previous owner. Now contains 2 large shelf units, 1 small bookcase, 2 computer desks, 3 shelves filled to bursting. And boxes. Boxes in stacks. '

I thought if I spend just 15 minutes a day trying to clear it out, that's nearly 2 hours after a week. It HAS to look different after then, doesn't it? Bought this in The Range today. It's a 'Really Useful' tray. It wasn't too pricey (just under a fiver). I thought I'd have it on a desk, with pens in one bit, then scissors in another, then paper scaps, then stapler, etc etc. Then when I want more room I can just lift it all off in one go. We'll see!

All different cards....

2011-05-26T12:10:00.000+01:00

I posted earlier today about how I've been doing head-wise and stuff, so scroll down if you're up to the heavier stuff!!! Meanwhile, here are some cards that I've made for people over the last month.....

This first one is a birthday card for Luvbug's mum, Oonagh. She's a lovely lady and always makes me giggle......

This is a First Holy Communion card for Luvbug's niece, Yolanda. (The exotic name is because her daddy is from Nicaragua!)

I really enjoyed doing some embroidery again. I took a pattern from an old book on blackwork embroidery and turned it into a cross....

Something completely different next, for the Confirmation of one of Luvbug's nephews....

Now a Dufex decoupage card. I've seen Dufex for sale on a craft channel on TV and it's true what they say- you really don't get to see the depth of the engraving unless you see it in real life!

As this was a peachy coloured cat, I sent it to Miss Peach. I was very happy when I heard that she loved it :)

Another Dufex decoupage puss-cat went to Yolanda, for her birthday:

Lastly, here is another decoupage birthday card, for my friend Josephine's mum. I've known Jo since we were 8 years old!

Decoupage has its critics, but I find it so relaxing to do. This last card is my favourite. It has 6 different layers of coloured card/paper and 5 layers in the flowers which doesn't really show in this photo... Luckily, Jo paid us a visit on Sunday so she was able to take it with her to deliver in person this weekend. I was worried it would get so squished in the post!!!

I think I'll do a bit more sewing. I enjoyed that......

Bye for now!

Visiting the depths again!!

2011-05-26T11:43:00.001+01:00

Oh boy, I've left it weeks again! I keep forgetting to get online, and then most evenings, I am soooo tired, I just want to sprawl in front of the TV once we've dropped Mum off home.

I think it's partly a side effect of the pregabalin I was prescribed in January. I does knock me out. Another bad side effect: I've gained another stone (14lb). I wasn't warned this could happen and it really got me down. It went on in just 3 weeks and now I can't shift it. Go to Google and type in "pregabalin weight gain" and you'll get pages and pages of stuff; research, forums, drugs sites, all saying it makes you gain weight. Normally I'd have looked it up before taking it, but I was in such a bad way in January, I just wanted anything that would help so I just took it.

Mum's on it too. It can be prescribed for anxiety (me), pain, and seizures (mum). Guess what? She's put on over a stone too!! She needed to gain *some* weight, but now even she is gaining too much.

You go to the doctor and they just shrug, like it's so unimportant compared to what it's treating. But it *is* important, isn't it? It affects your fitness and you feel about yourself.

I've been keeping a food diary and also a log of my activity, to see if I get enough 'exercise'. I've got my bike out again and I'm walking a bit more. All this isn't always possible if you're feeling completely bushed though!

Let me know if you have any weight loss tips!!!!!

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Head-wise, I hit rock bottom a few weeks ago. One night I was crying so badly I went into an asthma attack which was quite scary and I was coughing for a few days afterwards.

I hadn't been as low as I was that day for a very long time and I really didn't want to hang on, but told myself I had to hang on for Luvbug, and Mum, and my gorgeous Scooter-cat, too.

It occurred to me- and sorry if this causes offence- but it occurred to me that dying for someone else is easy in comparison to living for them, once you are in so much pain inside you can't bear to go on otherwise. To carry on for someone else's sake alone can feel a lot harder than dying when you are down in that abyss.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

I've managed to do some cards for people but I'll put them in separate post so people don't have to visit this depressing stuff if they don't want to! LOL

Time for an update!

2011-04-28T23:25:00.000+01:00

Can't believe Easter has been and gone! It's my favourite season, and I always like to mark it in some way. I think because ours this year was so low key meant it swam past really quickly.
Anyway, let's start with the cards I managed to make this year.....

I used this Celtic cross stamp again. I like it because it's filled with flowers and this means that although it's a 'formal' image, it has a softness about it.

I enjoyed colouring the crosses with ProMarkers. In some, I covered the cross with a glaze pen. In others I added sparkly glitter glue, the name of which momentarily escapes me.

** *** ** *** ** *** ** *** ** ***

On Easter Day, Luvbug took Mum to Church. She used to go to a 'community church' when she lived in Kent, but hasn't gone to a new one since moving last year. We think it would be good if she got into somewhere again, as she sometimes says that she's lonely and bored. Previously she has said she wouldn't go without me but I'm afraid I can't face going to church. I do all sorts for her but I have to draw the line there, given certain bad experiences I'm afraid the very idea turns my stomach. So Luvbug offered, saying that he was going and would she like to come too? Really it was all for her; he wouldn't have thought of going there otherwise. It was a 'Free Evangelical' church not far from us.

We expected it to be a hands in the air, guitars and drums, 'happy clappy' affair, which is what she went to in Kent (and a type that I was a member of some years ago!) but apparently it was quite formal. An organ playing, 4 hymns, Bible reading, small sermon. Hmm. I thought all Evangelicals were more lively than that-???

Mum did enjoy going, although Luvbug said she shed a tear at first. (Awww.) She said it would be ok to go again..... we'll have to see how this develops!

** *** ** *** ** *** ** *** ** ***
Whilst at church, I was back home cooking dinner. We had turkey and lots of trimmings. It was all scrummy! Then we packed a flask of tea and went for a walk in the woods at Highwoods Country Park.....

Here is Mum in the woods....or me, trying to get her to smile for a photo!!!

The bluebells are out...

And so is the blossom....

It was a lovely stroll, and we stopped by the lake and drank our tea :)

It has been warm here for three or four weeks now. On some days it has been hot, 81F was the highest, I think, with most days in the 70s F. Today was the first chilly day, with a smattering of a light shower. Perhaps the weather is about the break for the Royal wedding tomorrow!

** *** ** *** ** *** ** *** ** ***

The hawthorn in our back garden is heavy with blossom, fuller than we've ever seen it before. These photo's don't really do it justice-

It's also called 'mayflower', so it's come early!

Our wee tree peony is ready to burst, too. Last year we only had one flower but this year it has a double blessing...

However it's something in this laurel that we are most excited about....
just where I've drawn the red circle.... right next to the house!

-can you see her? A collared dove on her nest!!!

I say 'her' but it could easily be a 'him' as they share the nest duties. It's so cute if you're there when they change shifts!! Aww.... nearly time for hatching....

Yup, I love Easter, I love spring....

What a lovely surprise!

2011-04-13T16:04:00.000+01:00

I feel terribly guilty- I should have thanked Di of Pixie's Crafty Workshop much sooner than this!!! My only excuse is computer problems-

Have you ever had this? I helped Dilly update her blog on Monday (had to- it was her birthday) but then when I came to this page my anti-virus/anti-malware/firewall popped up and told me that this was a dodgy website and that part of its contents were being blocked -???? I tried other blogger sites and it popped up on all of them. OK..... so I went to my Hotmail account; same thing happened. Weird!

I ran a scan and it said it found 21 infected files. WHAT???? So I then I did a reboot scan too, and it took hours. I left it to run overnight and then did some Windows updates. Seems all OK now. But I still don't know what all that was about.

ANYWAY!.....................

The other week, Bob T Bear (esq) spotted that Di was offering this hoard of blog candy!

He added his name to the hat and GOOD LORD! HE WON!!!! And when the box arrived, a few days ago, he gave it all to me, saying that he hoped it would get me crafting again. Awww what a great Bear! And what generous blog candy! THANK YOU, DI!!!!!!!

The box arrived Monday morning and Bob waited with it to show me:

He was delighted to see a card inside, addressed to him:

What a gorgeous card! Bob loved that there was a Bear on it!

Di sent lots of stamps:

she even sent off for another stamp, just for Dilly!-

Dilly slowed down the unwrapping a wee bit as she wanted to enjoy the pink tissue. She's mad on pink.

And then- ribbons!!

And flowers!

Bob wondered if the glue would make a good toy:

He liked the charms, especially the Bear one:

They chose their favourite paper stacks:

Then Dilly settled down for a doze in the ribbons and tissue....

What a wonderful surprise! It really gave me a lift! I haven't put any of it away. I like opening it up and looking at it all. I hope it leads to my creative muses getting a kick up the pants. I haven't drawn or made anything in a long time!

THANKS, DI!!!! (And thank you, Bob, too!)

Spooky Synchronicity

2011-04-04T21:18:00.000+01:00

This evening I was running a bath and singing to myself [nb: empty house!] "Do You Know The Way To San Hose?"-I reached over and switched on my little 'showerproof' radio and what came out???
"Do you know the way to San Hose? They've got a lot of space, there'll be a place where I can stay..."

WHAT the????????????????

We've all carried on humming a tune after we've switched the radio off, but before we've switched it on?????

Do do doo do do do doo do..... (Twilight Zone theme)

Old? OLD?????

2011-03-31T21:12:00.002+01:00

Daffodils in Colchester Castle Park

We've been having a touch of spring here, warm sunny days and blue skies. It can't last; too early. So I've been trying to make the most of it, getting out in the sun.

I took mum to the park the other day. It was a gorgeous afternoon; we fed nuts to the squirrels, admired the banks of daffodils and eventually, bought some tea and cake from the cafe and took a bench in the sun by a big beech tree. Ahhh..... so lovely, so quiet....... until-

a man and a woman entered the park with a small, screaming child. The woman was trying to force him into a pushchair that he seemed far too large to need, and the father swore and smoked as he looked on. Then he took hold of the child, still screaming and now kicking too, and carried him along to throw him into the chair. He looked over at us and, seeing that we were looking their way (as was everyone else, attention having been drawn by the sudden NOISE), shouted, "HAVEN'T YOU ANYTHING BETTER TO LOOK AT, YOU NOSY OLD BITCH?", accompanied by certain hand gestures.

My initial thought was, well, YES, I have PLENTY better things to look at than you, actually, in fact, being a park, there are probably one or two turds around here that I would enjoy looking at more.
But the thought that really dominated my mind for the rest of the day was "Old? OLD? ME?? Do I look OLD?"

I said this to a friend and she said, "Oh, the 'nosy bitch' bit didn't bother you then?" Well no, to be honest, that just went over my head. Water off a duck's back, I'm pleased to say. Relieved to say; relieved that this didn't happen on one of my bad days, when it would have sent me reeling- downwards. No. "Nosy bitch" is nasty. But "old" is just plain below the belt!!!

I've since realised two things;
1) that he was probably lashing out because he was embarrassed at not being able to control his child,
and 2) that he was probably lashing out because he was paranoid, owing to extensive use of canabis.

Oh, is that assuming a bit much? Hmm. Maybe I am seeing too much Jeremy Kyle on TV. He looked like a prospective guest on that show though. Grrrr. Good grief!

Hullo again!

2011-03-20T00:27:00.003Z

Well hullo again :)

I've been thinking of blogging again these last few days, and trying to compose something upbeat in my mind for you to read, but it's no good; if you want an update I'm afraid it won't be a very upbeat one. Is that ok?! If it isn't, you've had fair warning- by all means leave now if you wish. No offence taken. Why would anyone want to read anything dull or depressing?!

*** *** ***

1- THANK YOU!!!

First off, a HUGE thank you to everyone who has left comments, emailed me, sent cards and even presents. It's amazing and truly wonderful, and if you had any idea of what a lift each one gives me....

2- HELP WITH THINGS AT HOME

There is none. Yep, three months on and I'm precisely where I was. No progress at all.
A woman from social services came, to assess mum. She offered us one day at a Day Centre per week. That was in January. I hadn't heard anything, and was about to chase her up when I got a phone message this week saying that there were 'still no places' and did I want to add mum's name to the waiting list? In other words, after all this time, she isn't even ON the waiting list. Meanwhile, of course, mum has forgotten everything about the idea of a Day Centre, let alone remember that she was, once, interested in giving it a try.

3- MEDICAL

We saw the neurologist in December. She said she'd like mum to take some pills that would help her memory and other brain functions. She wouldn't give us a prescription saying it would be easier to get it from the GP. So off we went to the GP, who said she couldn't prescribe that particular drug as it was blacklisted in this area- too costly. She wrote to the neurologist for an alternative. She has written twice so far. Still no news. So mum should have been on this helpful drug for 3 months now, and isn't.....

4- FAMILY

I spoke to my brother, the one who lives about an hour away, at Christmas about things, saying how I was finding it hard to cope. If I just had one day off a month, I said, it would help. He agreed, saying that his total of 2 visits in the last year wasn't enough, and said he would come and take care of mum one day a month from the new year.

He came down for a day in January. He came with partner and 2 young boys. Great for mum to see the grandkids, I suppose. But he spent just 3 1/2 hours with mum, then drove her to our house, where I fed everyone. In that 3 1/2 hours he had dragged her round a few shops, taken her to MacDonald's (his partner was flaberghasted that mum didn't know what to order, so ordered for her and was then agrieved and surprised that mum didn't eat any cheeseburger) and almost got her injured when she fell out of the car- he has a 3 door, and squeezed her into the back. She tripped on trying to climb out. Why wasn't he helping her???

Since then, nothing. No contact with her. SO much for monthly visits.

OTHERS??-

One phone call this year from the brother in Mexico. He left a message on mum's phone. That's it.

One phone call from my sister in Australia this last week-
she rang mum: mum is losing her hearing and has trouble on the phone. She couldn't hear my sister. This annoyed and frustrated my sister who then left a less than friendly message on my phone, shouting that she was so pissed off because 'all mum kept saying to me was "I can't hear you I can't hear you" nonsense'.
-Finding that message really pushed me flat down. All this week I've been tripping over between angry and upset. Upset- I feel bullied again. Angry- how dare she speak to me like that! And she is frustrated after one phone call???? How about getting on a plane, coming over here and living my life for a few weeks. THEN she'll be frustrated!

5- LUVBUG

Luvbug applied for several teaching jobs in January, and the schools didn't even have the decency to write back! It makes me so angry, especially when I see the knock-on effect. I want to ring them up and tell them off, but don't, of course. Now he is getting temp work, mostly different schools each day. This is OK except for when he looks into the future. He feels washed up. As in my life too, things are OK if you only look at the present, one day at a time, not at the bigger picture. But like me, he has trouble taking one day at a time.

6- MY HEAD

I saw the psych-doc in January. I actually saw the same one twice! Wow! Normally I see one 4 times a year and it's a different one each time, and I'm extremely lucky if they have even read my file. But this one was ok. He remembered my situation and had even written to social services to chase them up, saying look, she can't cope, help her out.

This time I presented with evidence of things not being so sweet. I'd been cutting myself. A knife, but when that proved inadequate, scissors, cutting strips of skin off my upper arms. I'm not going into why. I was losing it. There are plenty of self-harm sites where you can read into it if you're intrigued. All I can say is that it causes a break in what you're feeling inside. Not even feeling inside, more a whirlpool going round in your head, and then the cut makes a change in the whirlpool. I knew it would be too hard to explain.

So anyway, this p-doc took me off the anti-psychotics that I call my little blue back-up pills, and put me on pregabalin. This is one of the anti-epilepsy drugs that mum takes! Apparently it is also prescribed for pain and for bad anxiety.

Well the first few days I took it, it made me feel drunk. NOT A BAD FEELING. Since then, it has settled down and just helps me cope. Like when I am so frustrated at my groundhog-day existence that I am in tears, I will take one. I have 3 a day. But God knows, if I am hiding in the kitchen biting my lip and trying to hide my tears, I take one, no matter whether I am due one or not. They do help.

Side effects- sleepy. Oh boy, sleep sleep sleepy. And it's culmulative; I am dead in the mornings, so those few precious hours I have before I set off to mum's are now mostly lost to me. And weight gain- 9lb in the first 3 weeks. And still gaining, despite dieting and walking.

And they don't stop the stuff that the other pills stopped, so I am now back to hearing things that are not there. Shuffling feet, laughter, whistling, all these I've heard in an empty house. Could have sworn that Scooter was under the bed just now- heard his sighing, puffing and blowing in his sleep. Ahhh. Stretched down to stroke him and- not there....

7- CRAFT / ART

None at all. No inspiration. I made a Valentine card for Luvbug, but even this I left till the last moment! I feel as though it's just finished, over. Fear it will become something else I am leaving behind. Like playing the clarinet or gliding. Things I Once Did. Card-making might be joining them. I don't know. Two many comments about it not being real art, or that I could do better, maybe? Possibly. Mainly it is down to lack of time, lack of space, lack of time to make space.

8- SCOOTER

Ah, Scooter. My lovely lovely big black cat. He will be 18 on the 23rd of this month. He is so lovely. Since his sister, Fluffy, died in December, he has become more vocal. He loves fuss and attention even more. He loves to lie in front of the fire at night and purr. I lie with him there, and watch tv for a while, till my back can't take the floor any more! I feel guilty and horrible at having to go out and leave him each day. He looks at me and doesn't want me to go. Sometimes, on my way to mum's, I have cried because really I would rather be home with my cat. A sign that the stress is just under the surface.

I stop before I get to mum's each day and check that any tears are wiped out of sight, I take a deep breath and make myself smile before I ring her doorbell..... this is my life. If I don't look ahead, or up, or around, I can do it. Today it was sunny. We went to a garden centre. I thought it would be an 'up' day. Instead, when I saw all the new plants, and thought of my garden, and knew that I would never have time to do everything I would like in it, I just felt suffocated.

Blogging break

2011-01-13T00:20:00.000Z

Sorry but I think I need to take a break from blogging. I am very tired an even feel like I'm having a breakdown. I've been there before and know the signs, and they're back. The little nag at the back of my head going "Oh you haven't blogged for days" doesn't help(!) so I need to check out of here for a while. Hope it won't be for too long, as I know that the longer you spend away, the harder it is to get back into blogging.

Thank you all for the support and friendship..... when I'm back I'll nip by and say hi ;)

Take care all,

Love, tea and cake..........

2011-01-03T20:55:00.001Z

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!

Christmas Creations

2010-12-24T22:26:00.002Z

Thank you for the buck-up. Sorry. I think I may be past the worst of it. I had a better day today.

Well I couldn't leave you all on such a sour note for Christmas, could I? So I have -at last!- got round to doing the photo's of all my Christmas creations..... cards and felties :) I hope they make you smile!

-these are envelopes that I decorated. Colouring all the snow in white gel pen was really relaxing :)

more envelopes.......put a post-it note in the middle, stamp all around and over it, outline the square and then remove the post-it. Ta-daah!

These are felties I made for some people at my mum's Tai Chi Physio class.

I made them in line with their Chinese birth year.

So, this one is for someone born in the year of the rooster....

this for someone born in the year of the monkey:

....and the year of the rat!!! I like this one best, I think!!!

I made this wee cat for someone who's birth year I didn't know, but didn't want to leave her out :)

I also made some Babooshka dolls but can't find the photo! But I sent one to Di and she very kindly posted about it on her blog, here: Pixie's Crafty Workshop.

Oh and look! We managed to replace the tree!!!

And cheeky Scooter has sussed out which of the presents is his. Hmmm must be the catnip inside, do you think?

I hope we all have as good a day as we all possibly can!!!!

Have a good one!!

Not coping

2010-12-23T21:22:00.001Z

Lots of stress signs: bursting into tears, sleeping heavily and intermittently with mad dreams, snapping at everybody, stomping about in a bad temper. Heart rate is high. Feel fat fat fat and miserable. Tumbling thoughts and HEARING THINGS. Want to switch off.

I just can't cope with mum any more. Little of what she says makes sense. Even when I am not with her she calls, calls, calls. She can't work the tv any more. She can't follow a diagram or written notes either, we tried that. She says she has been hallucinating for 4-5 weeks, seeing people who are not there, faint people with white outlines.

I have seen her every day since 5th March. There is no help; social services say that as she can go to the lavatory herself with no need of help, she doesn't get a carer, and I get no help. That's it. Oh, they did offer grab rails for the bath, which she already has, or meals-on-wheels at £3.50 a day for lunch, which she tried, and we cancelled after a few weeks because she called them "foul" and refused to eat them.

So that's it then.

I told my GP, in tears, that I wasn't coping. She told me, oh well, you'll have to put her into a home then.

I asked the neurologist 2 weeks ago, and she told me to ask the churches.

I am almost giving up. Except I can't, can I? Because who else is there? I think I shall end up going to the wall. I'll reach the point where I can no longer see that I can't, and I'll take every pill I can find, altogether, at once. And then the authorities and relatives who SHOULD help will HAVE to come and pick up the pieces, won't they? There doesn't seem to be any other way out of this relentless situation.

Hanging on by my fingernails for Luvbug and Scooter ;)

Thank you for all the support out there. Some of you have even given your phone numbers- I am very moved that you would do so as that very generous of you. I do have an emergency number to ring if I get to 'that' stage. I might be up ringing it in the middle of the night quite soon.

Sorry to post such misery near Christmas. Even our little tree gave up the ghost! We will try to return it to the shop tomorrow....

CARFTERING has been updated too, if you can bear it!!!

Scooter

2010-12-21T12:06:00.001Z

Scooter left me a smile in his biscuit bowl this morning:

!!!!!!!

** ** *** ** **

I think he has realised just yesterday that Fluffy has gone. In the last week he has lapped up extra attention, purring his head off at all the fuss. But two days ago I saw him wandering around from room to room upstairs, and looking in the wardrobe (Fluffy sometimes sneaked in to sleep in there). Then yesterday, he was sitting next to me quite calmly, when suddenly he looked at me and meowed and meowed and meowed, with teeth bared (such that he has) and it was a real worraworraworra meow, it went on and on and he just glared at me. And since then, he has been quiet and morose looking, lethargic and curled up.

Poor lad. I think it just hit him that his sister isn't coming back. I can't say that there was great love shown between them, he did tend to bully her a little. But now his sparing partner has gone, I suppose. And he has never been an 'only' cat.

I shall just keep an eye on him and put extra treats his way. I bought his Christmas present this morning; a new bowl and a bag of catnip.

Other than this, he has soft fleecey blankets and lots of love. I hope he is going to be OK. Fluffy pined terribly for her sister when she went.

Thank you!

2010-12-18T11:41:00.001Z

Thank you for so many messages following the loss of Fluffy. I was overwhelmed! I have never received so many comments. It has really helped, really it has. Thank you all so much!

*** *** *** *** ***

Mum is OK. She had a little cry but, thankfully, it hasn't hit her badly like I feared it would. Here is the Christmas card I made for her. Actually it's the second one as she lost the first (!!!)

*** *** *** *** ***

Here is a photo taken on Fluffy's last evening.... Scooter is taking a drink and Fluff is by the fire... if you look closely you'll see that she didn't have the strength to rest her head on top of her paws in that Sphinx pose that cats love- her head is resting to one side of her toes....

Luvbug took this photo of us on her last morning.....

I have cried buckets this week and my arms ache to cuddle and hold her.

I keep thinking I can hear her in the house. I don't know if this is the auditory hallucinations that I get under stress with the Bi-polar, or if it's just normal grief. I think probably the latter, so I shan't worry...

*** *** *** *** ***

This morning a special parcel arrived from Ginger Jasper! Look at the gorgeous card- GJ in his Christmas finery!

He send me a beautifully soft bear, and some things for making momentoes of Fluffy.....

...a little album, and an empty bauble- you put a photo in it and hang it on the tree.

I think it would be a lovely tribute to Fluffy, especially as she always loved Christmas sparkly things. She used to lie underneath the tree belly-up and daze up through the branches at all the twinkling lights. She also used to attack tinsel and go worra worra worra........

Thanks, GJ! I was very moved to receive these things. It is very kind of you. Look- your photo is now overlooking our crib!

*** *** *** *** ***

Here is Scooter by our tree...

We bought ourselves a little 3ft one! It has fibre-optic tips that change colour slowly and it's quite relaxing to sit and gaze at it! Scooter really enjoyed himself like a kitten when I got the decorations out.

Here is our mantelpiece lit up.

We bought little LED strings of lights that work by battery. I put a bunch in a couple of vases, which are the big glows in the picture. These are good lights as they don't get hot.

*** *** *** *** ***
I am trying to keep my chin up and have a good Christmas- I have wrapped all my presents and all the shopping is done. It's difficult when others say how miserable they are though! Mum told me straight she can't wait for Christmas to be over, and Luvbug has been down over lack of work- the schools just haven't been calling in supply staff these last few weeks. I do see their point of view and I do sympathise, but mood is contagious, isn't it? So it is hard to keep plodding on at the moment. I am managing ok, but feel like I'm using my emergency tank, know what I mean?!

Farewell, sweet Fluff

2010-12-13T10:52:00.001Z

Fluffy, in the foreground, with her brother in the garden in July.

We took our princess to the vet this morning and she was put to sleep at 9.15.

Last night I lay by her box. Pretty soon her brother, Scooter, came and lay beside me. Whenever Fluffy stirred I stroked her to let her know we were there.

Early morning, she struggled to her feet. Her back legs were very weak and she could no longer manage more than 2 steps at a time. Her head hung down.

I lay down and lifted her onto my chest, where we had a final wee snuggle. She purred as I held her there and she snuggled her nose down into my jumper.

I took her to the vet in her blanket with her hot water bottle. The vet was very kind and gentle and I was allowed to hold her, talk to her, and her final moments were with me rubbing her eyebrows which was her favourite scrunch.

We will collect her ashes in a week or so. I'll keep them for a while, then, in the spring, when it's warm, I'll put them in with where her sister is buried, under some carnations at the end of the garden.

It is so hard.... I am 43, and Fluffy has been with me since I was 25. It isn't the years, it's the milestones. Young adulthood to the first steps of middle age. Boyfriends, jobs, even homes come and gone. She was there through it all. That's what makes it hard to let go. My poor, cheesy-footed baby. I miss her meow already.

Thank you all for all your kind support and loving good wishes....

Fluffy's last weekend?

2010-12-11T10:23:00.001Z

Fluffy on Mum's lap in the week...

The vet rang on Wednesday with Fluffy's blood results. I had now been thinking anaemia, maybe, diabetes at worst? He said that her thyroid levels are now normal, so the new drug, Vidalta, has worked there. But her urea levels are sky high. Normal reading would be 10; in October hers was 20. Now it's 63. He said he was very surprised she is doing as well as she is with levels that high; usually, he said, when it is in the 30s they are giving up.....

He says this means that Fluffy's kidneys are shutting down. He thinks that the thyroid drug isn't being matabolised, i.e., it isn't being cleared out of her system. Perhaps, he said, perhaps if we leave off that drug for a little while, it will clear from her system and the urea will go down. So the plan last Wednesday was this: withdraw drugs and wait to see an improvement. If there is one, then we know that the high urea levels were only because of the drug in her system. If there isn't one, then her kidneys really are barely functioning.

Well, last weekend we started feeding her a super-palatable special food called Hills A/D and she loved it! Yum yum yum, we started to call it her licky-mush. More licky-mush? Yum yum.

By Monday it was becoming more difficult to get her to eat. Maybe she is just going off it, I thought. I started to heat it a little. She ate it.

The wobbly back legs recovered, which gave us hope. And I think you were all right about the meowing round the litter box- I think it used to hurt, so she was scared it would again, hence the continued crying. This still happens, but not for a as long.

But.....

I have been up through the night with her. She is refusing all food and I have to encourage her to drink her water. She gave up washing herself days ago; I am doing it with a warm, wet flannel. In the night, for a little while, her back legs went floppy and she seemed to have trouble lifting her head. It was flopped down and leaning to one side.

I stayed with her by the fire and got her to settle on my tummy for a while, with a blanket.

Now she is in her box with a hot water bottle. She has had a drink but refuses food. Maybe I should try to give her some with a syringe into the side of the mouth? But I do think i may be putting off the inevitable now........

I fear this is her last weekend, poor sweet girl....... she is a shadow of her former self. This isn't fair any more. I think if she were human she'd be on dialysis right now. I think she is feeling sick and yuck.....I feel so guilty to approach giving up stage, but I love her, and she trusts me, and part of that has to be being able to say, no more, that's enough now, no more.....

Update on Fluffy

2010-12-04T18:58:00.001Z

I have been totally stunned and humbled by the huge response to my call for advice on Fluffy. Thank you all for your support and all the knowledge and hunches you shared, both here and via email. It has meant so much and made it easier to get through these very worrying days...

We returned to the vet this morning with her. It was the same surgery, but the boss vet rather than one of the part time ones. We handed in a urine sample for her, and they took some blood.We won't have the blood results till Tuesday, but I did ask specifically about anaemia and he said that Fluffy's gums weren't pale, and the blood looked ok, so he doesn't think so, but of course will make sure. He rang with the urine results this afternoon:

He said that there is now no sign of bacterial infection and also no sign of crystals or blood. Fluffy managed to produce a decent amount of wee, and it was clear.

What he DID find, however, and which is quite worrying, is a high number of bladder lining cells. He has suggested that this might indicate a tumour.

I have tried to read up again on this, thanks to Google I have read tons on feline urinary problems(!) but I can't find much about an excess of bladder lining cells. I gather that kidney stones might cause this. What confuses me is that I've read about a tumour test that can be done on urine to rule a tumour in or out. If this is so, why didn't the vet just do this?

I wonder also if it is just an after-effect of the anti-biotics?

Anyway.......... another thing; she has lost weight in the last month, down from 3.8kg to 2.6kg. There are 2.2lb to a kg, so she has lost about 2 1/2lb. This is a lot for a little cat. She is beginning to look emaciated.

He has given me some special, high calorie and highly smelly food to whet her appetite; Hills A/D, it is called. She should have a minimum of 3/4 of a little can per day. Today so far she has had a little under half. I am very pleased with her for this :) and I'll continue to tempt her into eating more whenever she stirs.

She is sticking to her box, with dish and small hot water bottle (wrapped in a jumper) just inside. She even sneaked out into the snow yesterday, when I slipped out to feed the birds. She had a wee out there and then just lay in the snow. I told her, you can't do that, not here, it's too cold. She told me off and walked back in.

I hope she pulls through. She does still meow an awful lot, and this seems centred around her tray, so I think it is weeing and the thought of an impending wee that causes the meowing. She sounds so sad and in pain, but when I pick her up she stops. When the vet examined her he pushed all around her bladder and she didn't protest and also she loves to be groomed still, so I can't decide whether she is in pain or not. I am sure that if it is proved she is suffering I will let her go, as I can't be having her hurting, no matter how much I would miss her and grieve for her. She's had a nice life and I want her last bit of life to be nice too, not lingering in pain.

Poor wee thing. She has gained the nickname 'Twiglet' now.

As before, any thoughts would be so welcome. Please purr your loudest for her......

Fearful for Fluffy

2010-11-30T21:42:00.000Z

I think Fluffy is definitely in her 9th life, and I am even worried that she won't make Christmas. I wanted to make this post so that all my cat-owning friends out there can give me their thoughts; maybe you have experience of these symptoms?............

When I took Fluffy to the vet in October it was for two reasons:

she needed pills for her thyroid condition. I stopped giving her the ones she was on because they were having the side effect of sever itching and she was pulling her fur out. So, she needed a blood test to assess her levels, and new prescription of Vidalta, the thyroid med she had been on before.
she was off her food.

I can't stress enough that these were the ONLY reasons I took her in. She was ok in every other respect. She was racing up and down stairs, overtaking us at times. She was using her litter tray ok, and using the catflap to go out. She was climbing the furniture and climbing onto US for cuddles and naps.

When at the vet's, they felt a lump and so decided to keep her in for the day to investigate. They shaved her side and did an ultrasound scan without sedative. They found that one kidney was larger than the other and looked cystic. They gave her 3 injections; an anti-biotic, an anabolic steroid, and a vitamin B12 shot.

SINCE THE VISIT TO THE VET she has changed- since then she hasn't run upstairs, or anywhere else. She stays in one room. She doesn't climb furniture or seek cuddles. She strains to wee and meows and meows and meows really loudly for about 20 minutes BEFORE each wee.

We returned to the vet. I told them her symptoms and they prescribed anti-biotics for a urine infection. She had this for 15 days. NO CHANGE.

She has gone from running around and being cheeky to staying in one room, crying to and from from the litter tray. When I asked about this, the only response was that oh well, she IS old, you know; you may have to make a difficult decision soon.

WHAT???? Yes I know she is old, but she was old when I brought her in last month and she wasn't like this. She has only been like this since her day at the vet. I am so scared they did something to traumatise her in some way and now no one will tell me what.

Since yesterday she is off her food. I am having to force her tablets down her, which I hate to do. AND NOW THERE IS ANOTHER SYMPTOM; her back legs are weak and she is wobbly and walking ' on her haunches'.

I know this can be a symptom of chronic renal failure, but I wander if she would be weeing more if she had that. It can also mean anaemia.

She is booked in for another blood test this Saturday morning. I am going to call the vet tomorrow morning to ask for more advice. They also want to test her urine via some special litter I have to use Friday night.

WHAT DO YOU THINK??? I know she is old, but this change in behaviour is only since she was at the vet for a day. I have said this to them, and all they do is say nothing they did caused it and that she is old. They don't seem to get that she was so different before. I know she will go downhill, being old, that is going to come,. But this was a sudden change...... I think i am losing her....

bleagh

2010-11-25T09:34:00.000Z

Sorry peeps; lack of posts is due to bad bug- still!

I've just got back from another trip to the doc's. Still no anti-biotics. OK I know they're not a cure if it's a virus, but after a month I'd like to try them, esp. as they can't know if it's bacterial or viral, not for sure, not without tests.

Grrr. Or, I would go grrrr if it didn't hurt.

It has now spread to both sides of my throat and both ears and I feel bleagh.

Snow is on the way, so I hope the cold doesn't make this worse, or kick start my asthma!

Oh what a jolly post!!! Sorry!!

I'm off for a lie down while the washing finishes. Off to mum's midday. Fluffy is meow, meow, meow and had me up till 4. I can't get her meds down her.

HELLPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Unexpected gifts and bugs

2010-11-15T11:57:00.002Z

A belated birthday gift....

chocolates and flowers.....

They were delivered complete with the glass vase! The chocolates (from M&S) were delicious!

Who from? My brother, David, and his family. What a lovely surprise!

*** *** *** ***

I have just got back from the doctor's... I have a bad throat and I feel exhausted and icky. It's been coming on for a while now. The verdict is that I've picked up a bug that's gone nasty because of me being tired anyway. No antibiotics needed, just water, painkillers and rest. Rest???!!!!

Well mum went home earlier than usual last night and so I was able to get to bed around 7. I've slept heavily and still feel woozy and ick. My throat is all itchy and sore all down my neck. WAAH... maybe I'm allergic to chocolates?

*** *** *** ***

I've made another little book and this time I took photo's as I went along. I'll post them in my next post.... :)

My Carftering blog has finally been updated too ;)

.

Birthday Girl

2010-11-08T23:15:00.002Z

Haha....that's my birthday card from Mum! Isn't it great?

I also got a lovely e-Card from Freebird, which made me smile- thank you!!!

Here are some other goodies....

First this card from Beanie.... thank you!!!! I love Beanie Art!

Then a lovely parcel all the way from Feronia, in Australia, thanks!!!!!

- a lovely pen, a birthday calendar (a perpetual calendar), some candles and a lovely handmade card :)

Then Bob and Dilly gave me cards.....

This one from Luvbug :) ....

And lovely flowers from Luvbug-

And my favourite perfume :) If you've never sampled this one, it's a very light floral...

And the latest House series on DVDs :) and a book by Kate Mosse....

You can read about this book on Amazon, here....

Luvbug also got me a great book on caring, called The Selfish Pig's Guide to Caring (click for description on Amazon!). The title is a little sarcastic, don't worry! And besides, it's one I asked for!

Today is busy busy busy, with a two hour driving lesson this morning, quick trip to Tesco, then to Mum's, then back home to take Fluffy to the v-e-t again (poor thing can't seem to wee), then pick up mum, cook dinner.....

So I had my birthday celebration yesterday, really. Josephine, whom I've known since I was about 8, came up for the day. She brought gorgeous goodies too!

Look at this! It's a set of 12 x 12 cardstock, double sided, 75 designs, 4 copies of each. That's 300 sheets! WOW! I was running low!

And how about an extra large box of choc's???

This box is enormous. It says there are 50 chocolates inside. I may have to 're gift' this one ;)

Then a lovely calendar, a different arty thing on each day....

Wonderful stuff!!!

Looking at my haul, I feel very selfish to type that I felt down today. I know that my dad and my siblings don't usually remember, so why should it matter this year? Hey ho...... then the day got busy and tiring and didn't feel special. Never mind. I had a great day yesterday, anyway!

Oh, and by the way, I've decided to reverse my age. So I'm not 43, I'm 34, ok? ;)

Two very different cards...

2010-11-06T12:36:00.001Z

.... but going to the same address!

I made this one for one of Luvbug's nephews. He'll be ten. Always difficult to do boys' cards. I suspect I already sent this chap a dragon card, last year, so I was at a wee loss as to what stamp to use.... cats to the rescue!

I decorated the inside with pawprints....

Then there is this one. This is for the nephew's Mum, who also has a birthday next week. This is a simple decoupage thingy. I use sticky foam pads to get the 3D effect. Occasionally I use gloopy glue, which I enjoy more cos it's gooey and gloopy. But I made this with mum here, and she hates the smell of the glue!

I decorated the inside with a little butterfly, sticking down only the middle so that the wings lift up....

Speaking of birthdays.... ;) I'd had 3 cards already, and opened them all. Ha! Leaving them to the actual day is a sign of age!! Like not trying to find your present. Now, where haven't I looked......

Books

2010-11-03T20:36:00.004Z

Rememer I mentioned a while back that I'd like to try my hand at making books? (I was going to say "Bookmaking" but that means something else, doesn't it... I wonder why that is? Hmm strange...) Well I still haven't got to grips with the little sewing machine but I've made these ones with ribbon binding instead......

Only two holes are visible from the cover, but the ribbon actually weaves through four.

I've also made two Christmas notebooks, for lists. I made them handbag size, one for me and one for Mum, so that we can use them when we're Christmas shopping. I have to have lists for this. Otherwise I end up buying three things for one person and nothing for two others, and only find out when I'm out of cash ;^)

Hope you like my efforts so far. One is already winging its way to someone, tucked inside a birthday card.....

New blog: Carftering

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Decoupage Christmas

2010-11-02T23:05:00.000Z

I must say, I don't think 3D decoupage cards look as good as drawn or stamped cards. But they are soooo relaxing to do! And when I saw this design I'm afraid I couldn't resist it. It's so cute. I might send the card to my dad, as he always prefers a religious card for Christmas....

What d'you think?

What flower are you?

2010-10-31T01:01:00.000+01:00

OK, just a bit of fun today. I picked this up from Freebird's blog (she's a snapdragon. Ooo. I was hoping for one of those. I have some still going strong in my garden right now!)

I am a
Sunflower

What Flower
Are You?

MmmMMmmMmmm... chicken pie!

2010-10-30T23:36:00.001+01:00

I love chicken pie, but homemade is best.
Haven't found a shop-made one yet that is as good :)
The recipe varies, according to what I have at the time, but here's last night's...

The trick is to roast the chicken first!!!
So I roasted some chicken pieces (thighs and drumsticks) in the afternoon whilst doing other stuff, and let it cool for the evening.
Fry some onion, brocolli, red pepper and little potato in olive oil and butter... when the onion and potato are soft, add the chicken in rough shreds of varying size.

Add some stock and leave to simmer till nearly all the liquid is gone..... then pour in CREAM!!!!

Butter the edge of a pie dish. Pop in a blackbird if you have one, this will let out the steam and keep the pastry crisp inside and out....

Ah yes, the pastry.... puff pastry, if possible, made with butter :) and then brush a beaten egg over the top, et voila:

OK it's not perfect but the tastiest ones never are, are they?!
Serve with crisp roast potatoes and French beans.....

Mmmmm.... always goes down well around here!

More on Fluffy

2010-10-29T16:06:00.002+01:00

This is Fluffy this morning, curled up asleep on my jumper. I dare you to try to tell which end is which. If you can, you are obviously a seasoned cat-watcher!

Well, Fluffy had a scan yesterday and the result is very cautious optimism- so thank you for all the crossed fingers, purrs and good vibes. In order to have a look inside without knocking her out, they used an ultra-sound scan, and to keep her still they placed warm beanbags across her :)

Basically, when the vet felt the lump on the kidney she thought it felt very bad, but when she saw it on the scan she wasn't so worried. She can't rule out a tumour or cancer, not without a biopsy, and we don't want to do that because of Fluffy's advanced age.

As to what it is, we aren't sure. She does have reduced kidney function, but is more in the 'cause for concern' category than at danger level. SO she is on pills for this. I guess she should go back on her renal diet food, but it's hard to get her to eat it, even though I've exhausted the various manufacturers of this. Anyway, for now, it's important to just get her eating something.

She did have a bad kidney infection in the early summer, and maybe this weird thing on her kidney is part of that. She has been sent home after a B12 injection, a steroid jab and a long-lasting anti-biotic. Last night she slept through till 7.15!!!!!!

I told the vet my concern over her lack of appetite and then, during her day at the vet's, Fluffy made me out a liar by eating loads of tuna :) Today, she hasn't been very enthusiastic about boiled fish, but does like the chicken I've roasted for OUR dinner. Hey ho!!!

my new blog, about caring for mum: Carftering

New blog address

2010-10-28T12:48:00.002+01:00

As mentioned recently, I'm going to try to get this blog back to crafting and drawing. I'll still talk about stuff that affects my bi-polarness, but I want to shift stuff about Mum's illness to somewhere private.

Here is the new blog's address- http://carftering.blogspot.com

I'll eventually change it to invited readers only, but for now it's open to anyone, just while I get it all set up. Have a look, see what you think. I haven't done all the tabs yet; working on it.

Second post, today, follows..... :)

Fluffy's at the v-e-t...

2010-10-28T12:31:00.000+01:00

We took Fluffy to the v-e-t this morning, thinking they would just take some blood and give her some thyroid meds to replace the ones she's just come off. But during the examination, the v-e-t felt a strange lumpy mass on one of Fluffy's kidneys :( she thinks it may be a tumour because it feels spiky, rather than smooth, which might have suggested cysts or infection..... waahhhhh

Fluffy is staying there this afternoon for tests, including a scan to try to determine what the mass is.

Even before the potential grief of losing Fluffy hit me, my first thoughts were, oh no, what do I say to mum? Fluffy is her clear favourite and they go back a long way. She is always talking to her when she she is here in the evening. I shan't be able to give mum any bad news, as her emotions are so near to the surface these days. She watched Bondi Vet the other week and poured her eyes out, even though the cat turned out ok on that. I'll have to keep it from her and hope that Fluffy hangs on ok.

Fluffy's mum died at 12, due to a tumour in her mouth. And her sister, Figs, went at the same age, from a fibrosarcoma. So I guess cancer is in the genes. She an old gal, 17 1/2 years, but it doesn't make it any easier. It just means I've known her longer. There's no such thing as a good innings, as you always want more. I'm dreading the 'oh but she's done well to get to 17' comments from well meaning people! It isn't enough, you see, I want more. I want cats to have human lifespans! She's been with me since my mid twenties. I want her there till old age!

Update on Fluffy

2010-10-24T14:56:00.002+01:00

A couple of you asked how Fluffy is getting on, since the cold she had last month. Well, the cold went. She still sneezes now and then but all seems fine on that front......

But the poor thing has had a rough time with her fur.
The vet changed her thyroid medication earlier in the summer, and I believe it was a side effect of this this-
she was pulling her fur out in huge chunks. It wasn't just 'over grooming', which some cats can do if they are stressed, it was really pulling out fur. We were finding piles of it around the house.

Also, she wasn't sleeping through the night, she was calling over and over. And she wouldn't sleep too long in one place.

Well at first I thought it must be flea allergy, so I got her anti-flea drops up to date. But no change. Then I thought of the medication- sure enough, I read the leaflet that came with it, and it said "severe puritus" in up to 10% of cats. This means really bad itching. POOR THING!!!!!

I stopped giving her the drug and she has calmed down gradually over the last few weeks. She is now sleeping through till about 6am- such a relief for all of us! And she is pulling out less fur. She has bald patches and is thin, poor thing- I feel so bad that something I was putting down her has caused this! I didn't know, of course, but I still feel awful about it! Normally I'd read the list of side effects and keep a close eye, but I monitored less closely this time cos of everything else that's been going on.

Oh well. Lesson learnt! -Always read the literature...

Here she is with two of her favourite hobbies- lying by the fire, and being fussed by her granny!

She will still need treatment for her thyroid, but it takes up to 45 days for this drug to leave her system, before she can go on another one.

She is still doing so well for a puss of 17 1/2 years.

I hope I can tempt her to eat more. She is only picking at food at the moment. I may have to boil up some coley.....

The trick is, to do little things, little and regularly.

2010-10-20T22:42:00.005+01:00

-It's true.

My days lately seem full, wall to wall. No time for anything. I am either looking after mum or chasing up people whose job it is to help me look after her (and getting nowhere). But I have been leaving my craft stuff out by my chair and some evenings I manage to do a little. Leaving it to hand helps. I have craft magazines next to the bed, too. I find I can't read my history books any more, and novels are hopeless.

Luvbug has bought me a tiny sewing machine, as I have notions of making wee little fancy notebooks, perhaps as gifts for people. I have yet to make any start, as I can't thread or use the dam' thing!!! But I have bookmarked a video on You Tube that shows how :)

Isn't it dinky? Well, you know that Bob is an 8inch Bear, so judge for yourself!

Another lovely arrival in the post recently was these stamps from the now closed Elzybells. They were a quarter their original price..... oh look, that Bear's got in the photo again, with the other Xmas stamps I've dug out...

I've made a few gift tags. In the hopes that I may be able to buy pressies early this year as in others, I will need these to wrap them up, won't I?

*** *** ***

If you're wondering why I've put a countdown to my birthday at the top of my blog, it's because I've been on a diet for weeks and so I want to know how long I have wait for a bit of cake.

Not much in the way of results so far. I lost 7lb then put 3 back on. D0n't know how, as I have been very strict.

*** *** ***

Most of the time mum is ok till about 1pm, albeit with lots of phone calls to and from me. Then she will be with me till about 9pm, me staying at her place till early evening, then she comes to our place for dinner......

*** *** ***

Jobs around the house are too numerous to even bother putting on a to-do list. I manage to keep on top of the laundry and cook a meal each night but that's about it. Everywhere needs vacuuming and dusting and tidying. Easy to say, oh let it go, but I am worried about it all, as there is no way of knowing when mum will have to move in with us. When will her next attack come? When will she have to move in?

Meanwhile the house is falling apart around my ears, looking more and more like a student squat and adding to my depression. But I just don't have the time or the energy......

This week I have taken more hours out of the time I spend on the home, as I have finally begun driving lessons. I had my first on Monday morning. My second is this Friday. The instructor said I'm doing OK.

*** *** ***

Lately I have been in tears and literally on the floor as I have been so stressed out and tired by the relentless ongoing-ness of this carer role I suddenly have. Typing it here makes me feel stupid. Some people do it all and have kids to take care of, too, so what am I moaning about?

I am thinking about doing an 'invited readers only' blog for the caring part of my life, to keep it a little private, and also to free up this blog for the lighter side of things!!!! You'd be welcome to ask for the way in, just email me. I'll let you know when it's up and running.....

IKEA cats

2010-10-11T19:57:00.002+01:00

There's a great new advert on TV for IKEA. Cats wander through the shop, investigating items and rolling on soft furniture, while fluffy kittens jump over beams of pink light. Every time it comes on I pause to watch; it calms me and makes me go warm inside! I'd like an hour long version to play on loop in the background to my day!

If you're a fan too, or if you don't know what I'm talking about(!) here's a link to an IKEA site that's based on the ad: IKEA CATS - you can play a 'match the cat with his favourite piece of furniture' game (and if you match them correctly you win that piece of furniture) or if you press the link at the top, called "Herding Cats", you can see a film about how they made the ad.... they put 100 cats into a real store at midnight, owners all waiting nearby, and then filmed them as they went exploring! Enjoy!

Still here.

2010-10-05T23:03:00.005+01:00

I've been avoiding blogging because I've been feeling so low and don't like doing negative posts. Then I thought, hmmm, better say SOMETHING or people might worry I'd fallen off the side of the earth of something. No, still here. Hanging on. Just. But mostly because of a sense that I have to.

After rallying for a while, my mum seems to be slipping a wee bit.

Today we were having cups of tea in a cafe. She saw a man using his mobile phone and she started acting very strangely. When I asked what was wrong, she became very secretive, looking all around, then whispering to me that this man was using his phone. Then she tutted loudly and shook her head. She told me she hoped the police weren't around- that's who she had been looking for- because it isn't allowed. "WHAT isn't allowed? Using his phone?"- I couldn't believe it.
"Well, they say it isn't allowed."
"Who says?"
"They say."
"Um, no, it's OK. It's only not allowed if you're driving."
"Hmm." she wasn't convinced and kept looking at him.
I repeated myself, "It's only illegal if you're driving, mum."
There was no smile, or "Oh! Of Course!", no realisation came, which it usually does, when she gets something wrong. I don't think she was at all convinced. Yet I have a mobile phone, which she rings, and she has one too, although she can't use it any more, she still gets it out sometimes and looks at it, and tells us we'll have to teach her how to use it (which we do, countless times). So why this sudden suspicion of mobile phones?

We dropped her off this evening and she keeps ringing about strange worries. I don't want to tempt fate, but I have a feeling that there might be something big and nasty up ahead.

Still no word on those medications that could help slow things down, and no appointment in sight. I have written to the neurologist myself today, to try to speed things up.

***

Things are slowly moving towards autumn all around us. The nights are drawing in. My personal worry is simply this; that if I am feeling low and tearful already, how will it be when the days are all dark and cold?

Trying to do things one day at a time here. One day at a time. Not much gets done, though, not when you have to be with someone else most of the day. The house is a wreck, which really doesn't help my head at all, but I just don't have the time and energy to keep on top of it all. I need a helper and despite all the feelers I put out months ago, there just aren't any.

Bargain!

2010-09-22T15:11:00.003+01:00

After Art Therapy yesterday I walked through the town, very aware that these are the last few days of summer..... it was 24 c. and due to be down to 9 c. by the weekend- eek!

I nipped into the art shop to pick up a couple of ProMarkers. I almost bought 5, for £10.

But then I spotted these!!!-WOW!
In case you can't see, each set was reduced to £6.50.

I couldn't decide between the two so I treated myself to both :)

That's 10 ProMarkers, 2 Letraset drawing pens, 2 Sakura Glaze pens, and 2 Letraset No-Bleed Paper Pads (usually about £4 each) all for £13.00.

Last night I fancied a doodle with my new haul and tried sketching Bob in his 'Talk Like A Pirate Day' outfit..... what do you think?Drawing in permanent pen is fun. It forces you to make use of your 'mistakes' and leaves a nice, rough, energetic feel. Well that's what I think, anyway! LOL!

Post 333!

2010-09-16T11:11:00.005+01:00

I've just spotted that this is post 333 on my blog! If three is a lucky number then maybe today will be lucky for me. So far I have twisted my knee! Good start! But the cat food I ordered has been delivered, so that's something. At least I don't have to go for a walk or a bike ride to get them something else, limping along as I go.

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Things have calmed somewhat since a week ago. Sorry for that little outburst. Thanks, as ever, for your support....

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Over the course of a couple of evenings I've put together the following cards. Sometimes I sit and do the pictures, other times I assemble them. Occasionally I do the whole thing start to finish in one go. I've been pootling through them in front of the telly, with mum watching tv and Luvbug on his pewter..... cats off asleep somewhere: Fluffy in her new grocery box (she's lots better, by the way) and Scooter on his blanket in the window...... sounds idyllic? Well, it only lasts for an hour or so but yes, it's ok.....

These are little cards that I made for my box, as I didn't seem to have any notecards for myself, for when I write to people....
I made this next one the other night for Luvbug's brother-in-law, John, who has a birthday this weekend. It's much larger, at A5. I've put glaze on the dogs' noses to make them glossy :)
Lastly, here is my first Christmas card for the year (aaaaarghhh! Nooo!! I said the C word!!!!)This image is a stamp by Elzybells. Sadly, this is another stamp shop that is closing down. She is hoping to sell off all her stuff by the end of this month. Nip over and have a look, see if you can help her out! There are still some goodies there, and all greatly reduced in price. This stamp is red rubber and was only a few pounds. She also does inkpads, etc.

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I'm not a 'scrapbooker' and have never got into that 'branch' of crafting. But one thing I've started lately is 'memory books' for my mum, as very often she will enjoy a day out and then not remember it a few weeks later. I suppose this is sort of scrapbooking, as I've been writing next to the photo's and sticking in all sorts of decorations, just to make it nice for her. I'll get some pictures of some of the pages and show you next time ;) All you seasoned scrappers and book artists can give me some advice!

2 more cards..... and nose diving.

2010-09-09T23:34:00.003+01:00

Thanks for your comments, especially re. that birthday card. Here's the other one, the one for mum's neightbour, Sylvie. She was 91 on Saturday.

inside....

Here's one I made for my nephew, Alex. He'll be 10 on the 22nd but I'm safe posting it here as my family don't bother with my blogging!!

Meanwhile the strain is starting to show, I think. I had thought I was holding it together soooo well. Too well, maybe.

Mum has burst into tears twice in the last week, clinging on to me and crying. I find it amazingly difficult. It leaves me stunned, shocked. Mum never showed emotion. NEVER. And I don't mean just that she never hugged us or said she loved us, or congratulated us when we did things well. None of that happened. But I also mean she showed no emotion to movies, stories on the news, even the deaths of pets or the burial of my murdered cousin. NOTHING. ZERO. ZILTCH. And so now she is tiny, half the frame she was a few years ago, and she is clinging to my arm, which she has touched more in the last few months than in the rest of my entire life all rolled together, and she is WEEPING. Of COURSE I am being gentle. Of course I am looking after her. Of course I am being the kindest I can be. I just didn't realise what it was taking out of me.

On Tuesday I didn't make it to Art Therapy- 2 weeks in a row now, because I just didn't feel I could leave her. By the evening I think my body had started to rebel! A stye the size of a pea came up on my eye literally within a few minutes. I put my fingertip to my eyelid, expecting to feel a loose eyelash or something, and I felt the lump. By the time I'd got a mirror it had grown. We dashed to the pharmacy and got some anti-infection eye drops. By the time we got back I was feeling sick and dizzy, seeing stars.

We drove mum home early, about 8ish. I went straight to bed. Apart from Fluffy's loud mewling through the night and morning, I slept on and off till after midday Wednesday. Even after I was up I felt wobbly and the room was spinning.

I convinced mum to let me have a sleepy, lazy day on my own. We still rang each other a few times. Then Luvbug picked her up after work, about 5.30. I was still so tired. My eye is better though.

Today, I am tearful and shaky and I can't keep my mind on anything. I feel so low.

I had decided to join a new fitness class starting tonight at the school at the end of my road. But I didn't get home in time. And it just felt like, oh, why bother. There was I feeling positive, thinking I could meet new friends maybe, or get fit, lose a few pounds and -God forbid- have 90 minutes to myself a week.... but it just isn't to be, is it?

Luvbug lost his rag this morning over his computer. Man, you should have heard the swearing and cursing. It got me downstairs, and more to the point, it turned my stomach over and over. After the rows I grew up with at home, I just can't bear anyone shouting and getting angry. But bang bang, stomp stomp stomp, swearing and shouting at 40-odd decibels. Poor Scooter got a rude awakening and I found him creeping away from the living room.

Well that just left me shattered for the day, dazed and tumbled.

"Oh it was just the machine was playing up and I was late and blah blah blah...." and "You know I would never aim it at you..." so what???? So stir up a foul atmosphere, then smile and go to work and forget about it. SOME OF US CAN'T.

Sorry. Just want to quit, today.

A card- at last!

2010-09-02T14:16:00.009+01:00

Mum's new place is on an over 55's complex, but the average age seems a fair bit higher(!) in fact, we've told her she's a spring chicken at 68.

Her next door neighbour but one, Dorothy, is having her 90th birthday party in the communal lounge on the 13th. Mum asked if I could do a 'special' card for her. This is what I've managed. Not having made some for a while, is it ok, do you think??

It's a stamped image which I've coloured with Promarkers, then layered up on lots of scraps of paper, lace and ribbon, and a felt stitched flower, and blobs of 'liquid pearl' paint to add a bit of texture, and some gold peel-off stickers...

Mum likes it, but I'm aware it isn't as nice as tons of others I see around on other people's blogs!!! Hey ho!

Now I've discovered that her neighbour, Sylvie, will be 91 this Saturday, so it's back to the drawing board for another one again!!!!

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Fluffy is definitely improiving. Thank you for your messages, which certainly did calm me down a bit and stop me lying awake at night.

Fluffy, herself, didn't stop me lying awake at night of course, but at least I wasn't worrying my fingernails down over her. Yes, she still wants snacks and cuddles at regular intervals through the night. Any food I leave down as I go to bed won't work, as (1) she forgets where it is and (2) no, no, it has to be fressssssssshhhhhhh meowwww. Oh, and kindly hold OPEN the catflap for me, too, please.

:)

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Feel guilty not being with mum this afternoon or morning, though we've chatted on the phone a couple of times. My tummy is hurting and so I wanted to stay in and feel sorry for it, catch up on laundry, blogging and vacuuming.... she has 'afternoon tea and quiz' at 2.30 so at least she has had something to look forward to and something to do. Though she did tell me how BORED she was. I sympathise, I do, and, as I say, I feel guilty. But I shall be going down there afterwards, and then bringing her here for dinner....

We had a good meeting yesterday with Pat from Age Concern. She filled in lots of forms for us for another benefit mum should be able to get. If so, it will cover the service charge on her place and make her more confident about having the heating on when it's cool...... I hope she gets it! Pat said that if she doesn't, they won't leave it there, they will demand a reason why and chase it up! It's so good to feel someone is fighting for her!

Let me know what you think of that card!!!!!!

ps........... I can't believe it's September!!!!

Retail therapy, time for sprawling, and Fluffy isn't very well......

2010-08-28T22:31:00.008+01:00

A little break of sorts...

Mum has a had a few good days QUICK! TOUCH WOOD! and in fact, on Thursday, I didn't see her till 5.30pm. We had a couple of phone calls, no more. She wasn't all panicky like she has been. They had an 'afternoon tea' in the lounge at the sheltered housing complex, so she had somewhere to go in the afternoon. She said only 4 of them turned up but they had a chat, a giggle or three, tea and biscuits...

Of course, not knowing IF the phone will ring meant I couldn't go off out and forget all. But it WAS a nice break, an afternoon footering about. I can't even remember what I did with the time(!); laundry, I think, and making a fuss of the cats, watching tv and sprawling :)

Thanks.....

Thank you all again for your support and concern, and also for all the people who are helping in their own way, like sending good vibes, prayers, good thoughts...

Retail Therapy!

This photo is pure retail therapy.... "Animal" have a shop in Colchester and had a sale this month. This bag was half price, at £8. I loved it, so.... ahem. And the book is one from my wish list on Amazon. I use the wish list facility to save me money -LOL- as it means I can go window shopping there and plonk things onto the list rather than into the shopping basket :)

I didn't like the book quite as much as I had anticipated, as it didn't have as many different styles featured in it as the 1,000 quantity had promised. LOTS of a certain "avant garde" style, least that is what I call it- you know, VERY grungey collage with photographic heads poised on weird stuff and scruffy paint effects. I'm not saying it isn't artistic, I'm just bored of it.

I have lent the book to my Art Therapist, as some of the pages are so weird I felt it would be an Art Therapist's dream to wallow in a few hundred of them for a while. LOL!

Any advice for Fluffy???

Fluffy had a sniffly nose a month ago. Well, half a nose, as it is just her right nostril. Her right eye was watery too. The vet gave her a week of anitbiotics, and it cleared up in just a few days.
However, it came back :(

Last Monday we took her back to the vet and she gave her another 2 weeks' worth of the same. Half way through the course almost, and it isn't working. She is getting snotty. I didn't even know cats GOT snotty. I CERTAINLY didn't know cats got bogeys. I have been acting nursey-mummy and coming to her rescue with a tissue or warm, damp face cloth. She is starting to sleep under the bed, right in the middle, nose firmly out of reach.

Any advice? If you are a cat owner, have you come across this?
The vet said that if it doesn't clear up it could be something like a grass seed lodged up there somewhere, or at worst, a growth of some kind :( .........either way, at 17, I don't think I would like her sedated for an Xray..... gulp! I just hope hope hope that it clears up..... waaah!

Daydreams of escape

2010-08-24T22:09:00.005+01:00

After several good days, today was a bad day. Yeah, I know, I should document more of the good ones, shouldn't I? I know, I know, I plan to. I'll try to. I promise.

This evening I nipped out to the corner shop. Well, more of a round the corner and up- shop. A ten minute walk if you stroll. A three minute walk if you run.

Standing in the queue, I knew I didn't want to go back home.
I wanted to go for a good, long walk in the darkening, breezy evening.
I thought back to last summer when Luvbug and I had got on our bikes one evening and just pedalled and pedalled, out along countryroads and round secret lanes behind the housing estates, across farm land and over fields. I remembered the cooling air, the sweat, the freedom. I wanted some of that again.

I looked down at mum's yoghurt, my not-quite-butter spread, and the two trays of cat stinky goodness, the stuff they only get when the online pet shop are late delivering the proper stuff again. I knew I couldn't stray. I had to go back, and straight back. Mum will already be looking out of the window and asking Luvbug where I am, will I be ok, and couldn't he come and pick me up.

Before I knew it, I was head of the queue, counting out the right change. (If you do little things like that, they never realise that you're on auto-pilot, or near to breaking point, I mean, who would care about the right change if they're all up-side-down inside?)

Creating A Likeness

52/4 week 8

Kids

52/4 week 7

52/4 week 6

The REAL "WAR HORSE"

52/4 week 5

52/4 week 4

52/4 week 3

A Christmas Dream

Christmas preparations

52/4 week 2

Time for some fun around here!

Time does help, doesn't it?

Disaster

The Worst Week

ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU CHEW YOUR OWN FOOT OFF!!

Hic !!!!

Shhhh....what was that??

Birthday

Horray for poo!

Phew! OK to fight another day

Crossing fingers...

Updates

Off to the vet's later..... doesn't look good....

October sun

Holding on

V low :(

Scooter the brave

More crochet....& update on Scooter

First in a series of catch-ups, or at least, that's what I plan!

Paws crossed for Scooter again please...*UPDATED*

Love this!

For Miss Peach

Hedgehog appeal!!! CAN YOU HELP??

Relief

My Scoob seems to be sleeping it off!

Paws crossed for Scooter....

About time I popped in here

Arty surprises

The comfort of craftiness.... and colds, and a sprained ankle ;)

Coming out of the haze

Nosedive

Blog candy for Cancer Research....

The muse may be sneaking back....

All different cards....

Visiting the depths again!!

Time for an update!

What a lovely surprise!

Spooky Synchronicity

Old? OLD?????

Hullo again!

Blogging break

Christmas Creations

Not coping

Scooter

Thank you!

Farewell, sweet Fluff

Fluffy's last weekend?

Update on Fluffy

Fearful for Fluffy

bleagh

Unexpected gifts and bugs

Birthday Girl

Two very different cards...

Books

Decoupage Christmas

What flower are you?

MmmMMmmMmmm... chicken pie!

More on Fluffy

New blog address

Fluffy's at the v-e-t...

Update on Fluffy

The trick is, to do little things, little and regularly.

IKEA cats

Still here.

Bargain!

Post 333!

2 more cards..... and nose diving.

A card- at last!

Paws crossed for Scooter again please...UPDATED