Back!
Old archway squashed between modern buildings, Limerick, taken Tuesday afternoon, 23/10/07.Well we got back from Ireland yesterday, and it was all fine.
Better than fine, actually, it was lovely.
Once there, I didn't suffer from nerves or butterflies or dread. On previous visits it has been so bad that I have counted the hours till we could set off back to the airport for home. I'm amazed by the difference this time.
It wasn't plain sailing all the way. I felt so panicked at the airport. I was in tears more than once. Had to take one of my blue pills.... I didn't want to go through check-in. I tried to find ways, in my mind, of getting home again from the airport, and telling my partner to go on without me. Maybe I could call my friend, the one in Enfield, and ask if she can meet me if I can get to her by Tube. Or maybe I could take the Tube to Liverpool Street station and a train home from there. It would take 3, maybe 4 hours, no- on a Sunday, after all, it would be more. But I'd be home. I'd be safe. I could get back into my bed and curl up, coccooned.
But I kept thinking of how awful I would feel about myself afterwards, in the days to follow.
Surely I should push against this, make myself do it..... I hadn't had the strength to do so before. I've never been able to join in. I loathe get-togethers, groups....
Seagulls by Limerick Castle.
I don't know why there was such a difference this time, once I was there. I felt completely comfortable, not scared or fazed by the people or situations at all. Didn't have to think twice about anything. Just went with the flow. Is that what it's like to be "normal"?
So maybe the only answer is that I am a little better, mental-health-wise, than in previous years.
Whether this is true or not, there is still some good news in this. I did it. Horray!
