Hey, I'm not paranoid but even my hair is out to get me!

My hair's fight for the right to be white grows ever more militant. Time to reach for the L'Oreal (or whichever was on offer) box of tricks.

I've dyed it since my early thirties at least so you'd think I could do it blindfolded by now wouldn't you? Uh-huh? Read on...

OK you get the same in every box- sheet of instructions, gloves, colour activator, colour, conditioner. You mix 1 into 2, use, wait, wash out, add conditioner, wait, wash out, dry, then sit in front of a small mirror squinting as you pull out all the white ones that the concoction missed.

All was going well. I had my gloves on and had mixed the two potions. I had even remembered to cover up anything in the bathroom that could get stained. I was dividing my hair into sections and speading the stuff all through my parting, along the roots, down the back..... it smelled really nice. In fact I KEPT THINKING how nice it smelt. No smell of ammonia. Mmm. This is nice. And there is TONS of it. Spread spread spread.... WOW enough to go through all the rest of my hair- this will be nice and even! Tum te tum... oh what's that other bottle? Oh yeah, that one's the conditioner.... carry on...... tum te tum......mmm does smell nice this one. Hmm. Come to think of it, the conditioner isn't usually in a bottle. It's usually in a tube, like the one I squeezed into the activating fluid and..... OH SOD.

Yup, I had slathered activating fluid + 6 doses of conditioner onto my head. Didn't end there. I KNEW it was just daft, and I don't know why I did it, it never couldhave worked, but something made me put the dye solution all over my head THINKING THAT THE REST OF THE STUFF WAS ALREADY THERE SO WHAT THE HECK, I'LL JUST MIX IT UP ON MY HEAD!!!!

It didn't sting, not for a full 40 seconds it didn't!

I rinsed and rinsed, some of it went in my eye OUCH and it took ages to get the lot off my head.

Now, it's all dry. I have clean, glossy, soft shiny hair. With glowing white ones. I swear they would be giggling if they could.