A seizure, a wobble, and some Mummy Cuddles

Oh dear. A seizure this evening. He has different types. With this type, I am able to pick him up, settle down and just gently hold him, shield his eyes from the light and talk softly. Poor baby couldn't stop his front legs twitching, so couldn't stop scratching me. I just let him. Snuggled in under my chin, paws twitching and scratching the top of my arm. That's ok. I told him he was safe. I thought about him being safe and happy. I knew he was coming round when he slowed and purred- purrs that grew longer and bigger- and then climbed down. He isn't a cuddle cat, you see. Only wants Mummy Cuddles when he isn't well. He has eaten since, and is at the door looking for night time woodmice. His back legs are still wobbly though. Can't get his meds down him. I have cried another bucket. I try to think healing thoughts, but I just don't have the mental energy any more. I can't do it. Can't focus on the good.

I think you can do two things when someone you love has an incurable illness. You can either start to grieve straight away, and so grieve early, and while they are still with you, and it becomes a long, drawn out grief unless you let yourself go numb, stop any feeling towards them.... when the loss comes, there is an element of relief, of closure, of abilty to move on. The trouble with this reaction is that you spend a little of your time with them grieving. You mourn while they're still here. Isn't that a waste?

The other way is to postpone the grief, carry on as normal, say that life is life till the end, and it isn't the end yet, so keep going as before. Smile, enjoy the time you have. Push away any numbness that threatens to close round your heart. Say that no, you will instead love with all your strength till the end. 
This way takes more strength, I think. And when the loss comes, the blow is harder.

And yes, I do feel qualified to describe these things. A dear friend was diagnosed with leukaemia in March, and a prognosis of 6-9 months. We continued as before, with lots of laughter and gossip. The prognosis was over-generous; she died at the end of May. I can't describe the shock.

I haven't had time or space to grieve for her. I've gone straight into caring for Scooter, straight into his seizures coming more frequently. 

What makes it all the more cruel is that my friend's husband is a vet, and she was a nurse, so whenever I had a worry about Scooter's health, we would talk about it. She would confer with her husband for me. So I've gone from losing her to straight into a situation that I would share with her.

I have been trying to love Scooter the same way as I loved her, positive to the end, focusing not on the end but the good in the present. But I am flagging. Running out of steam. I don't want to look back in the future and think, I didn't strokehim when I could, or talk to him enough, or blah blah blah whatever it is that I can't do right now..........

Now I am waffling........... I will go and get some tea, and check on him. I think he's gone back into his bed....

**** *** **** *** **** ***

Love, tea & cake,  
Helena

A week on...

 

 Scooter waiting for one of his soft blankies to dry...

Scooter had another seizure on Wednesday and a 'twitchy' episode yesterday. He is now having another. I've given him some NutriDrops, a mixture of glucose and vitamins. I hope it brings him out of it. He has retreated to back of his 'cave' (an enormous box laid on its side, with a quilt and pillow inside for him).

The only way to prevent the seizures is regular food. But he won't eat. Same as yesterday, and Wednesday. He looks interested in the food you bring, sniffs it, then turns away. He isn't depressed; purring and putting his paw in your hand, letting you make a fuss of him. He's alert, too. It's confusing and painful that I can't stop the seizures. On a good day, when he is eating, he is his old self still.....

THANK YOU for all your advice and kind messages. I know that some of you revisited painful memories in order to write what you did. Your kindness is helping. I think I know some things sometimes but just need reminding, or to hear someone else say it.

I have found myself wondering whether his reluctance to eat is Scooter's way of saying that he has had enough. Then again, reluctance to eat is also a sign of the hypoglycaemia! So it could be wrong to interpret it like that.

I have sat and talked to him, telling him it is OK to let go if he is too tired of it all, that his sister, Figs and Fluffy, and his Mama cat, will all be waiting to show him to his next adventure. I told him we'll miss him but be ok, and that he will still be able to see us if he likes. He put his paw on my hand and purred. 

Last night he was out, inspecting the woodmice that live under the decking. I think he may want to hold on till he gets one ;)
We are here for him round the clock. Especially as a new behaviour has begun- suddenly, he is calling out in his sleep. I go to him and reassure him, then he settles down again. But it's such a tiny, plaintiff meow it breaks my heart to hear. I don't think he's in pain. I wonder if he wakes up with temporary blindness, as he eyes look opaque for a few minutes- a possibility of this condition..... poor Scoob. Or maybe it's bad dreams.

The more the symptoms add up, and the more often he won't eat, the more often the seizures come..... I am keeping a note of these things, and we'll just have to try to fathom when he's had enough, or when his quality of life has declined too much.

My emotions are on a yo-yo; one minute I am resigned to saying goodbye, then he gets better and I am elated. Then down I go again, then up. Mum is worried, but doesn't say much. She was hoping we would take her to a dog show today, but we can't go out, so she is disappointed. She gets bored, I know, and I know that this has been a diffcult summer for Luvbug too. But I can't be going on days out all the time wondering how he is here alone, and whether he is having another seizure, or calling out...
I've caught Luvbug in tears. 
 
I wish I could wave a magic wand and make Scooter all young again! No matter the strain, I feel I owe him my best, buckets of love, and every last chance.

***UPDATE***

The NutriDrops don't seem to have had any effect. He has remained lying on his pillow and recoils from contact. We're leaving him to sleep, and just wondering whether he is going to go into a seizure, or worse, a coma. The v-t doesn't work weekends. If this continues through the night, I'm afraid Scooter's adventures might close tomorrow...

***UPDATE***

I've just managed to tempt him to some raw chicken. He may be going to suprise us again. 

**** *** **** *** **** ***

Love, tea & cake,  

Helena

I have cut and pasted this from my post on Facebook because I know some of my cat-owning friends won't be able to read it there. I wondered if anyone had come across FHS, and/or if anyone has advice.

It's been an awful day! I thought we were doing so well. Thank you for reading......

____________________________________

Scooter had another seizure. I was there when it started, at 12.40 It lasted a long time. He wasn't really alert and up and about till after 4pm. He's eaten very little. He ate little yesterday too, and he was out in the sun. I wonder if he got dehydrated and the knock on effect was a seizure.


HOWEVER I've been reading about something called Feline Hyperasthesia.

One of the features of this is hypersensitivity around the tail/hips. He definitely has this, but I always put it down to his spondylitis. 
BUT- right before the weird seizing, today, he turned and bit and attacked the base of his tail. Something he does now and then. I didn't think anything of it, but it's in the list of symptoms- along with glassy eyes, enlarged pupils, etc.


What it doesn't mention is the twitching. Maybe it is a combination of both. The FHS and seizure too.


I think either way it's down to the tumour or polyp the vet thinks is in his forehead. He's too old for a scan to look into this growth, whatever it is.


I'm shocked to read though, that there are anti-seizure treatments for cats. He's been having them a year now and the vet has said nothing about them. I've seen different vets at the same practice, nothing. The one I usually see is the head of the business.


Time to go to another vet practice, I think. I'm going to email the other one I know of- it's the same sort of distance away...... 

I know Scoot's 19 and I know it's reasonable to assume this is his last summer, but I want to know what's going on, and whether he's in pain or distress..... also, I've thought for a long time that mistakes were made in Fluffy's treatment in the months up to her death. THIS time I need to listen to my gut, and my gut says something isn't being done for Scooter...


http://cats.about.com/od/healthfaqs/f/ripplingskin.htm


http://www.purelypets.com/articles/felinehyperesthesia.htm

**** *** **** *** **** ***

Love, tea & cake,  
Helena

Scooter

Poor Scooter had a bad seizure the other day. He had another episode this evening, a ripple of after-effect from the big one I think, just a small one this time,but notable, and scary.

I posted details on my Facebook page the other day but I'm cutting and pasting it into here for people who care about Scooter and who won't have got to see it... maybe if you've had cats with seizures you'll be able to advise. I can find tons of info about seizures in cats on the net but not about what to do during one, other than keep YOURSELF calm, keep them safe, and don't let them get too hot. I went on kitty-mum instincts mostly, and remembering what happened with his previous ones....

Poor Scooter had another seizure yesterday.
We had taken him to the vet just for a check up really, and because he has had a weepy eye for over a week. Not snotty or anything, just weepy.

All went ok. Fine at the vet. Trip in car fine too....

Got in, opened the door to his carrier and he came out slowly, wobbly, fell down. Tried walking again and again, wobbly, fell. No strength in back legs. I recognised what was going on and picked him up and lay him in my arms. I held him and talked to him for 40 mins,holding him still and trying to calm him.

He was purring fast- they purr not just when they're happy, but also when they are scared or stressed, to calm themselves down. I was worried he was hyperventalating at one point. I stroked him slowly and talked to him and took big, deep breaths myself. Soon he was copying me! HE slowly calmed.

Twitching all the time, his head and front paws.

It's best to leave them lying flat when they seize, but only if they're in a safe place and warm. Hence I picked him up and held him, rather than leave him in the middle of the floor. This way I could judge the severity of the twitches, too. In my arms, I tried to hold him flat across my lap, leaning down with him, so his head wasn't far above the rest of him. I tried to sound and feel calm for him, but inside I was breaking up. He never lets anyone hold him normally. He just isnt a cuddle cat.

At one point he burrowed his head under my chin and held on with his front paws.

He lay across me again and tried to walk, but still nothing there in his back legs. We were getting scared hed had a stroke. Then, poor love, the muscles gone, I'm afraid he emptied all his bottom all over me and the cover I was sitting on. K and I quickly found a way to roll all this away so he wouldn't get distressed, and we tucked a towel there.

I spoke with the vet on the phone after 40 mins of this (K called earlier- they called back) and while I was speaking Scooter wobbled a few steps. A few wobbly steps at a time and he had reached his food bowl, where he took a few mouthfuls. Delighted he was in recovery, the vet said to just keep watch.

Over the next hour he was wobbly and walked a few steps a time on his haunches. He couldn't interact with me or make eye contact. Then he crawled along on his belly, sniffing around the place to investigate it. Loss of memory of place and loss of eyesight can happen afterwards, so I just followed him round, talking to him. At one point he walked into a pile of books and just stopped. For 5 mins he just stood there, looking asleep. Then he 'came to', backed up, and went into his box.

His been ok since, quiet, but pops out to lie by the fire now and then, and has been out to use his wee patch in the garden (he won't use litter trays though we leave a clean one down for him).

Today he is sleepy, eating, but not interacting much, and I wonder if his eyesight is stil not back right.

All this just for the stress of a trip to the vet and a ride in the car. Nothing else. Just for a checkup and a weepy eye. What on earth shall we do if he ever shows something more in need of urgent attention?

Poor old thing. He's past his 19th birthday and I guess he is wearing out. My heart breaks at the thought of it. Though, when the time comes, if it's an irrecoverable seizure that takes him in my arms, that might be preferable to any long drawn out illness...... I am trying to see a good side.

The last thing the vet told me was 'spoil him' :) she should come see the house. His blankies and stuff are everywhere.

I've been sleeping downstairs to keep an eye on him since so I'll  be down here again tonight....

I do hope he settles down and becomes stable as Luvbug is away from early Sat to late Mon as he is going to Ireland for his mum's 80th.        

**** *** **** *** **** ***

Love, tea & cake,  
Helena

V low :(

I've been sinking for a while, but bobbing up and down really, so not hitting the bottom.

These last few days it's almost undescribable but I'll try for you:

• it's like when your computer goes into 'safe mode', shutting down everything but the essentials...
• it's like being an origami shape that is now closing down inwards...
• it's like grief, heart wrenching, head spinning, grief;  intermittent periods of blankness despersed with seeringly sharp heartbreak and buckets of tears.

Saw the GP today. Sending me for bloodtests to test hormone levels and thyroid.

Then saw the art therapist, who told me to ring the team there, any time, whether he's there or not.

The pills don't work, not even the back up ones, so they've been increased.

I bought some brandy. But that doesn't work either.

Don't worry I only got a small bottle. I know it's not the answer. Just wanted a break from my head.

 1am here. Off to bed I suppose. Check on Scooter..... he is holding his own but not vrey animated, eating, a little. It's harder and harder to get the pills into him. A part of me has broken deep down and said, he is going.... he is fading away.... and I fought and fought that feeling and those words till I had no strength left, like it was my strength that kept him going, and now something deep down has let go...

Oh ignore me. I'm potty. I wish I could be normal.

Scooter the brave

I finally cleared up the conservatory, turned out two black bags of rubbish, re-filed stuff, discovered a duvet and pillow to wash and found a desk underneath it all. Hurray! A desk in the brightest room! A place to read, sip tea, crochet, create, in daylight............ er no, cos then Scooter found it. One folded quilt later and....

I took this one a few minutes later. He is enjoying the sun on his face. Look closely; I'm sure that's a wee smile there:

Like I said last time, there are times when he makes my heart go ahhhhhh......

This evening, on my return from taking Mum out for a few hours, he seemed odd. Not quite right. Mum was making a fuss of him, still there on the table, and I don't know what it was, but he didn't seem quite right.

Next Luvbug was helping get the washing in from the garden. I was looking at Scooter and thought he was falling off the table, so I ran indoors.

Scooter wouldn't be helped or hugged, instead he jumped down to the floor and, walking on his haunches, proceeded to sniff out a trail on a floor. He worked like a bloodhound, not lifting his head, just constantly sniffing as he went along, through and out of that room, then into and all round the next, obstacles either being ignored, whereupon he just marched on the spot, or climbed over under or through. He went through the living room, all round the edges while we moved stuff out of his way, then around the kitchen, to the back door, then back, round in circles.....

At first we sort of laughed, nervously, hoping that what had happened is that the catarrh had suddenly gone and now he was enjoying sniffing smells for the first time in ages! But I wasn't so sure. It was like he was having a manic episode.

At one point he circled my legs and did a tiny 'mow' as though to ask for help, so I lifted him up (I'd tried before but he'd wrestled me away) and held him for quite a while, whilst Mum and Luvbug talked quietly to him. He settled, relaxed, half closed his eyes after a while.. finally he was calm. Mum and I sat with him and stroked him and encouraged him to just rest. Then he was off, jumping down and over to one of his best stretching out spots. His eyes were meeting mine at last, so I felt he was back to normal.

When Scoot had a seizure a few months ago, they said it was really important to get him to eat, as seizures make the blood sugar drop. So I put a sachet of his favourite mushy smelly goodness in front of him and he ate nearly all of it.

He's now back to the quilt on top of the desk, stretched out. I keep checking on him.

Any cat people out there with any advice?

I think this was a funny turn, aka, a seizure. I wonder if this is it now, seizures on a downward slope. Maybe it isn't cataarh, maybe it's a tumour. The vet did hint at checking for this if the meds didn't work, trouble is, it owuld mean knocking Scooter out, and at 18 1/2 yrs old, that isn't advisable.


I've a had cry in the loo. And I'm sipping a brandy.

My poor cub.

Relief

We've had the call from the vet, and been pleasantly surprised by what she had to say....

Scooter's Liver enzymes are up, but not as high as a year ago. The same with his kidneys- some dysfunction there, but not as bad as a year ago. His thyroid is normal, so no change in his thyroid meds needed. The only thing that jumped out was his white blood cell count, which was high. This could be because he is still fighting a sniffle, or might also be because he has spondylitis in his spine. I know that my arthritis has thrown up odd readings when I've had blood tests, e.g. bilirubin being high, but this happens with any inflammation. So maybe it is his riketty old bones that are making that reading high.

I was so relieved that the results weren't showing some dreadful decline.

It also makes me sure that the seizure was a reaction to the flea treatment. The vet said that as he has been treated with it before with no trouble, she doubted it was to blame. But I think it would have been possible for Scoot to have a seizure like this and me miss it: if the other day had been a normal school day, and not a holiday, I wouldn't have known any different. I'd have been at mum's in the afternoon. By the time Luvbug picked us up on the way back from work, the seizure would have been long over and Scooter would have been sleeping it off. We'd have come in, seen him asleep, and thought, ahhh he's ok, sleepy old boy. By 6pm he'd have been up and about, recovered, and eating his supper.

You see? It's possible he HAS had a reaction BEFORE and it's gone unnoticed.

No more 'Frontline' flea treatment for him!

My Scoob seems to be sleeping it off!

'Scoob' or 'Scooby' are just two of my nicknames for Scooter. Others include Scooter-fella, Fella, Fella-me-ladio, Munchkin-Pie (Ok we're getting to the really silly ones now) Angel Toes, Angel Cake, and by this time he just isn't listening to me any more.

He has eaten well since yesterday's scare, and is drinking normally. He is verrrrrrrrry purry and soppy and friendly. We were so relieved to see him climb up the sofa to his spot on the windowsill again. I had just been thinking, oh, he won't be doing that any more..... and then I walked into the room just as he was climbing up there. No exageration to say that I felt like my heart leapt up when I saw that....

 Here he is, consulting his Bear...

making the most of the sunny day...

Back up on the windowsill.... he has two blankies up there, his favourite being the fluffy red one...

oooo snuggly fluffy soft blankie....

I can't believe this is comfortable but cats don't seem to mind the weirdest sleep positions!

"You can take my photo, but you can't take my Crazy-Cosmic-Catnip-Banana!"

Aahh.. touch wood, and keep things crossed. He seems to have got through it ok, but I'm not going to relax yet. I'm afraid if I relax, something bad will happen. No results form the vet yet. I think we'll get a call tomorrow. Everything crossed till then.....

THANK YOU all for your lovely messages of support whilst I've been worrying and blaming myself and stuff...

Paws crossed for Scooter....

In the end, I had to give the anti-biotics to Scooter, despite the warnings I'd read about them not being good for cats with kidney dysfunction. No alternative was available. He had the last bit of one this morning.

Lately, although he eats his biscuits, he is off his wet food. This is a problem because it's the wet food that you can hide medicine in. He has regular meds for hyperthyroidism (or hypo-, I'm not sure which) and some drops for pain management.
In the last few days I discovered he will eat some raw pork mince, so I have given him his meds in this.

Last night I gave him an anti-flea thing on the back of his neck ("Frontline"). He has had this before withough problems....


This afternoon he had a seizure.

We rushed him to the vet.

He had been twitching all through his front legs and face, and his eyes were bulging. We rang the vet as soon as we saw what was happening, and got an appointment for 40 mins time. During the interim it sort of righted itself; he seemd normal again, purring, but could not stand or walk. I was terrified I was losing him.

Whilst at the vet he seemed to come right. Bit wobbly, perhaps. Eyes ok, heartbeat ok, temp ok. Walked a few steps round the table ok.

Did a blood test; blood sugar low, but may be result of the seizure.

Did other blood tests; may be liver enzymes. Had trouble with these levels before. Will know results tomorrow evening.

Sent us home with two tins of Science Diet A/D; a high energy pate. The vet said he had to eat straight away and that if he hadn't eaten by 6 this evening to bring him back. So I was glad to see him eat half a tinful as soon as we got home. Now he is sleeping it off near to Luvbug's feet.............

I don't think I should have given him the flea treatment. Seizure is listed as a side effect, but a very rare one. Then again, he has had them before. I wanted to give it because he has lots of little scabs on his skin, where he has nibbled himself. Sometimes he spins round and nips himself suddenly like he has just been bitten or is itchy. So although I haven't found fleas when I've groomed him, I still thought he had them.

I hope he is going to be ok. I will forever blame myself if he isn't.

Please keep your paws crossed for him.He is snoozing now.