Creating A Likeness: St Therese

Thursday, 22 October 2009

Feeling a wee bit adrift....

I'm pretty confused.
I'm not religious or spiritual any more. I used to be SO MUCH.
BIG reasons why I'm not now. Won't go into that here! (Although I did explain it, here...)
But anyway.... it isn't that I miss it, it's just strange, having to learn to be something different to what I was.

When your faith drops out of your life it takes a few years for the dust to settle. And now that it has, I find myself not knowing what my "moral compass" is. What is my "philosophy of life"- and do I even need one?

In my past I would turn to my religion. I would think of the Bible or some saint. Like St Therese of Liseaux. She wrote about her "Little Way" which was basically "purity of intention". She was in an enclosed convent so couldn't do much for her companions in a big way. But in her "little way" she said that if she put lots of love and meaning into the little things she COULD do, that would make them worth as much as something big.

-Basically doing your best and putting others first.
Though I've been warned, usually by well meaning therapists that this can be taken too far.
When I was nine years old I remember my teacher at school telling us,
"Always put the donkey last. YOU are the donkey."
-And I applied it even to the smallest thing.
Perhaps this was partly why I was unable to stand up to bullies.

I find myself slipping into it quite naturally even now.
I make two cups of tea, one for me and one for a guest. I spoil one of them by pouring too much milk into the cup. So I have that one, and give the better one to the guest. Even though I cannot stand milky tea. Nothing is said, nothing is noticed. It's natural, internal. So some things hang over from one life to the next, from the religious to the secular.

But when I was a Christian, and especially when I was a Catholic, if, every now and then, I felt like I needed a spring clean on the inside, I would go to God, or even to "Confession", get the "slate wiped clean" and, essentially, *start over*. It was a way of drawing a line and starting again, with good intentions to be better, etc. etc. The mental relief was outstanding. A huge weight would disappear from my shoulders and I'd carry on, refreshed. I truly think it's how the human race got by without psycotherapy for so long =)

Well I currently feel like a tumble dryer that needs its lint filter cleaning out. And I no longer know how to do it, because I don't have those outlets any more. How do I draw a line and carry on refreshed, if I don't have anything to draw the line with any more?

I have a friend who also used to be a Church-goer and regular pray-er. She's stopped going along lately. Says she can't seem to believe in it any more. I worry for her. She is giving up more than she realises. I hope she isn't doing it lightly. I have no regrets about my decision, but when it comes to advice on others' beliefs I can't give any, except to say that life with faith is a little more straightforward than life without it, not because it gives all the answers, but because it just has fewer questions.