Withdrawal, recovery, & fading in and out.

Sorry for absence. 

Strange times. Been coming off lorazepam, which had made me 'manic', or the up side zig zag of bipolar. 'Up' doesn't mean happy.

Don't remember much of last weekend or beginning of last week. Had to check camera, phone, etc. to recap what I'd said/done.

I was put on lorazepam August 2011. It's part anti-anxiety, part anti-psychotic, added to my usual antidepressant because that wasn't helping too much any more. Well this September the psych-doc I saw took me off it as I was so low she said, it couldn't be working any more. Instead she put me on one called busiperone. I felt this was helping, but it sent my heartbeat v high. A week 1/2 ago I rang my GP worried about it as my resting heartbeat was 125 (this was while lying on the sofa watching TV!). She said stop taking it, go back on Lorazepam, and as you're in such a state, go on 3 a day. 

Well I didn't go to 3 a day. 2 was enough to send me manic.
K says when we went for a woodland walk last Sunday I gathered coloured leaves and twigs for Scooter's grave- yes, I can see I've put them on his spot- so? Ah, he said, but do you remember why you were originally collecting twigs? ----- apparently I was looking for sharp twigs to cut my wrist secretly while walking through the woods, so that the 'blood would trickle down but no one would notice'. OMG I have no memory or this at all. 

Tons of other stuff I don't remember. He guarded it from mum. I am so lucky to have a partner so patient with my weirdness.

And so...... today will be 9 weeks since Scooter died. Yes, I still cry every day. 

I am hearing him less :( 

Calmer though. 

I think the storm has passed. Now I'm in 'after the storm'. Which is still ... well you know. 
 
Friend from school, Jo, and her daughter came up today and it was a good day. But still sometimes there are these moments when I feel myself almost fading away, or maybe it is everything else that fades. It's like I'm watching a movie, I'm not in it. Or when they do one of those camera shots where you are pulled right back from the action. 
Suddenly everything goes away, and I'm left sitting there, looking like I'm listening, smiling, but inside, I'm sitting on a stone in an empty clearing, miles from everyone, just their faint voices, faint noises of things around them. Then I'm pulled back into the room and try to carry on as though nothing happened. 

If I start to sink, I know that it'll be harder and harder to return from that rock. Know what I mean?

**** *** **** *** **** ***

Love, tea & cake,  
Helena

Valentine's Day surprises and fun :)

After our first few years together, Luvbug and I decided to put a £5 limit on Valentine's Day gifts, so that it would be fun. Just something small and silly, we thought!

This year I bought him a chocolate Bear and a box of chocolate hearts. The hearts are individually wrapped in red foil and there were 18 in the box. I put one inside his card, and hid the rest round the house. So far he has found about 10, I think :) they're not well hidden, just in places he will come across eventually- it's fun to hear shouts now and then of 'FOUND ONE!!' :)

He went over the £5 limit as he took pity on me being curled up not well- he bought me some snug pyjamas with a hearts on, and a picture of the blue-nose 'Me-To-You' Bear on the front :)

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I also received a beautiful suprise from Stardust!
Look at this!

The photo doesn't really do this justice; the top half is filled with swarovski crystals and sparkles and glints as the light catches it. DId you spot the 'Miss Kitty' charm?

Also, she sent me this flash drive- she knows I love Miss Kitty. (It's because I grew up with Miffy, and this like Miffy but a cat!)

I had been searching for my little flash drive recently as I wanted to move some photo's onto it and get them printed in town. I couldn't find it, and then this new one arrived! Perfect!


Stardust's parcel took just two days to get from Japan to Ipswich, 15 miles from me, then twice as long again to do those last few miles! Ha! Isn't that typical?

It included a lovely handwriteen letter, too. It's a treat to get letters nowadays, isn't it?

THANK YOU STARDUST!!!!!!!!! You've been so busy and yet you thought of me! Thank you so much!



PS- thank you for the lovely, kind response I've received for my request for die-cut shapes :)

Arty surprises

A great surprise arrived in the post this week! This is from Andrea and Beanie at Found Art; a selection of their Art Cards, for the hedgehog charity stall. Brilliant!

Thanks Andrea!!!!

Meanwhile a church in south Colchester had its annual exhibition of amateur art. We went a few years ago, saw a lovely mixed media picture, didn't buy it, and talked about it ever since. D'oh! So this time when we went I went prepared; change for cake and tea, and cheque book for just-in-case.

Here's the church, All Saints, Shrub End:

Inside.....the walls were covered with pictures. I was quite tempted by this one on the far left; it's of a tabby cat on a bed!

Mum enjoyed it!

This was one of mum's favourites-

...but she wouldn't let us buy her any of the pictures; even though this one was available as a £1.20 card, she said no. Oh well! She had a nice cake and cup of tea though ;)

One of my favourites. It was just called 'Ireland'; a pen and ink wash for £20. Lovely!

Lots of people-

View to the back of the church- those two paintings either side were lovely, but were £650 each!!

 Luvbug was keen on a couple. Then it struck me that it's his birthday next month and I had no idea what to get him. Ding! Little light bulb went on. I asked him to pick one of his favourites for his birthday present (I offered this after consulting the catalogue to make sure I could afford them though! LOL!) In this end he chose this; 'Country Lane';

 

-this is it hanging in our living room! I can't do anything in pastel at all, so I was very impressed to read that this is pastel!!

It gets even nicer the more you look at it!

By the evening I was regretting not snapping up that pen and ink wash of the Irish castle :(

Well, the next day, Luvbug dashed off to the exhibition, convinced them to open early, bought one of the pictures and nipped back home again.

By about 3 in the afternoon he couldn't stand it anymore and said to me, "I do love you, even though you're very unobservant!"

Huh? Unobservant? I started to look around.... eventually I spotted it! Here is that Irish castle on our wall, under my pawtrait of Bob T Bear;

Isn't Luvbug sweet?????

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Well blogger has been playing up this week I know, but now it seems to have swallowed my signature as well! 

TTFN!!

Oops

Luvbug is fixing a catlap to the door. Doing a job off our 'to do' list seems to have given him a lift!! OK I shan't tell him it's back to front then.... hehehe all the locks and gadgetty bits are on the outside. Scooter won't mind.

Oh, and if proof were needed that Fluffy CAN'T HEAR A THING - she has been asleep on the sofa through all the drilling and jigsawing.... :) in fact she's cuddled up to Sam the Bear.

Awww

I wanted to keep a diary about day to day stuff with mum, but was worried about keeping a journal in case I left it lying around and she found it. It would be just like me to do that.

Luvbug came home today with a new toy for me; a baby laptop. I think grown-ups call them notebooks. But I think it's a baby laptop. Haven't named it yet.

Now I'll be able to scribble at will and blog more easily, too.

Awww...... isn't he lovely?

NO!!! I simply won't allow it!

Mum had an appointment with at the hospital Monday, this time to do with her osteoporosis. She had an MRI in October and this was the first opportunity to review the results. We already knew there were fractures, but this was to see if surgery could help.....

Well I'm GLAD that mum is hard of hearing and forgets to switch her hearing aid to a different setting indoors. I'm GLAD that we waited over an hour and she was really tired when we got in there. And I'm GLAD that we only got 8 minutes given to us once we were in ....

WHY? Because the dumbass doctor talked about cancer, that's why. And there's no point hedging it, saying things like, "Don't lose any sleep over it." and, "My gut feeling is that it isn't, but..." because just MENTIONING the Big C to mum right now would set her into a tail spin.

What if she had gone alone? She'd have been escorted out of the room afterwards -with no counselling, no niceties, not so much as a leaflet.

So. What do we do now?

She is having anther MRI tomorrow. This one is to compare with the one she had in October. Doc wants to see if the wedge fracture has healed or "done more".

In the 6 month old scan, one vertebrae has squashed down flat, and squished out whatever it is that is normally inside. This stuff has only narrowly missed the spinal cord. 1mm over and she'd have lost the use of her legs. O M G!!!!!!!

Then, the doctor told me to make an appointment with him on the way out of the hospital for 2 weeks' time, for a follow-up consultation. I went to book it and was told he was booked up till June. Shouldn't he know this???

Hey ho. We have a moving date. April 1st! I'm not sure of the auspices of that ;) Good news, huh?!!!

So I told them about the move and they got all huffy like we were being sooooo inconvenient. After there was no chance of a follow-up appointment, the receptionist said she may as well cancel the MRI, too. OH NO I DON'T THINK SO!!! You leave that delete button alone, missy. If mum has the scan, at least all she'll be waiting for at the new place is the follow-up! I'm not letting something like an MRI get lost in the transfer!

As for the Big C...... not saying ANYTHING to mum. No, no no. NO.

I've played my best smiley, positive, optimist all week.
No need to say the rest.
Specially as I'm not even sure this guy knows what he's talking about. -When we walked in his room together, he asked which of us the appointment was for. Hmm, so you're really familiar with the file, then, doc? -Nope, not even enough to know which of us was the 68 year old underweight, unwell woman...

Luvbug rang and I poured out all.
"How are coping with it?" he asked :)
(I love Luvbug.)
"I'm not letting it in." I said, "It's in the outer level. -There's my brain in my head, and there is a waiting area outside of it." [a lot of my school maths got stuck there, never made it in.] "I'm not letting it in. It's too full in here. "

Not just my head, either. I'm simply not allowing cancer. She can't take that one. She CANNOT have it. No. She isn't strong enough. Not for that. No cancer here, move along, move along. You're not coming in. I won't let you. Sod off.

I simply will not entertain the idea, let alone the worry.

It's the little things....& little critters :)

It was Mother's Day here in the UK on Sunday. Or "Mothering Sunday", as I'm told it should be called. -My friend Jo's mother insists on this name, so poor Jo has to search out a card with this exact wording on it, and they are becoming rarer each year! I told her she'll soon have to start making them ;)

Ah well. You shouldn't think I missed out, just cos I don't have kiddywinks. No, no. Luvbug came to stay for the weekend here at mum's. Here's what greeted me when I got up on Sunday:
These wee critters, for those of you who've yet to come across them in Blogland (don't blame you, you're probably far too sane) are Bob T Bear (esq) and Dilly St George, the Croco-dragon from London Zoo. How they became our "offspring" is a long story. And not one that Bob T Bear (esq) particularly enjoys, in Dilly's case. He still says he wanted a scarf, not a sister.

The back of Dilly's envelope carried a strict instruction/warning:"If not be Dilly Mummy, leev lone!"

It had a beautiful elephant, made from a leaf, on the front:

Inside was a long message. Every "i" was dotted with a heart or a flower. Aww Dilly is such a girly-girl....

Here's Bob's:Bob wrote me a poem.
Er, or "pom":

Translation:

My Mummy
is a luvly
Mummy an an
an I fink
she mite be der
bestist Mummy in
der weruld but I
havant bin abol to
chek wiv ol der uver
bears yet.

(Bob would like to point out that "poems don't have to rhyme, you know".)

Awwww :^)
Luvbug spent a long, long time "helping" them with this.

The cards are beautiful, from a church Traidcraft Sale we'd visited the day before. We had driven mum up to Colchester to refresh her memory of the bungalow again. (As soon as she was there she was OK.) Then we drove into Dedham, a lovely wee village in Suffolk. It has an enormous church, so we went in for a wander. We found the traidcraft sale inside, and also a great exhibition of quilting and embroidered art. Alas, no camera!!

Anyway, on Sunday, I had already given mum her card and presents. When I showed her that Look! I got something on Mother's Day, too! she laughed and laughed.....

THANKS, LUVBUG!!!! -You always know how to make a difference, and always just at the right time!

A(nother) Luvbug!!!

Oops! I almost forgot to show you this....A LuvBug!!!!! LOL!
This is what Luvbug bought me for Valentine's Day.
We have a "£5 maximum" rule, so the pressie is always fun. But it really made me laugh this year!

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Off to mum's again later today. This week has flown by.

I didn't expect the commuting between mum's and home to be so exhausting. I think it's the adjusting that does it. As soon as I am used to being home, I'm off for a week at mum's. And as soon as I'm settled there, it's time to return home! My head gets worn out adjusting and readjusting, I think.

Luckily, we have heard from the solicitor handling the purchase of mum's new place and it might all be going through in just 2 or 3 weeks.

I hope the next few months are OK for us all......

Up and about, just about!

Here is a photo taken of me today.
It's the first time in....erm... I don't know. Since Christmas?! That I've worn make-up.

We were going out for a drive, and possibly some shops and food along the way. So I thought I'd spare the populace, not to mention Luvbug, the sight of my pale virus-ridden bleagh. The observant among you, or possibly stalkers (LOL) wil notice the haircut. That was done a month or so ago. Layers! I actually agreed to layers, and let them clip away my long, long, straight hair. Waah!

I have put on soooo much weight.
Everything I wear is tight and my chubby cheeks have taken over my chin. Sigh...

I took this one outside of a place called The Suffolk Food Halls, which was full of lovely, luxurious foody things and we spent far too much but said, never mind, it's a one-off treat....

Here's another, from the car park;I love the way I managed to catch the bird!

Bob came too, of course. Here he is at a reservoir we visited. He's pointing to a windsurfer.
It looked like a lovely place to walk around, full of paths and trees and bird-hides. You could also hire bikes. But I was soooo dizzy and woozy, and the wind coming off the water set my bad throat off again :(

It was still great to get out though, and a lovely clear day. It's Mother's Day here today, and I wasn't able to go and see mine because I didn't want to risk giving her the bug. So I felt a bit lost. Hence, it was nice to go out, even though I now feel like I've been hit by a truck! It was nice of Luvbug to get us out of the house. Can't wait for warmer days. We live in such a great spot for exploring nice places.

Hurray!!!

Ahhh.... isn't it nice, to watch a man at work? :)
Shelves!!
At last!
I have shelves!!!!

And so here is my craft room/study today:
Brilliant!!!
It's lovely and cosy in here :)

Downs and ups and downs again.

Taken a dive again, I'm afraid. Sleep is difficult, but being sleepy isn't! I seem to be doing 36 hour days straight, then 6 or 7 hours of heavy, sluggish sleep, the type that leaves you with squitty eyes, like two pee-holes in the snow.

And very lucid dreams, the type where I am conscious IN the dream that I am dreaming, which, to say the least, is weird. (It's handy in nightmares though, as I can wake myself up!)

All my tidying up and organisation, which left me feeling so good last month, has pretty much come to nothing. I had to move craft stuff back into the living room to use, as the craft room is still an ice box- still no heating sorted out. Trying to craft on the floor in the living room has produced a few nice cards, but also wreaks my back.

To be honest, lately, I have been getting frustrated with things to the point of tears and sometimes I just give up with the day and crawl back to bed, where I'll lie and listen to the radio or flick through a book or two.

I've filled in my driving licence application. Maybe if I can finally learn to drive that will give me a new layer to my life. I know in theory it should do, but the prospect of driving still terrifies me. If I can do it, then I give myself more options for employment, if I can face it.

Basically I am so frustrated and bored by not being able to sort the heating myself, and sort putting up shelves myself, and a hundred-and-one other things on our 'House jobs to-do list'.

I have to admit that, although I do love him, the frustration caused by living with a serial procrastinator is having a bad affect on me, to the point where I just don't know why I'm here any more. I just want to switch off. Give up. I just can't go on like this, not if it means feeling like this. But then I feel guilty, as I know he has so many worries of his own...

Autumn pictures

I took these the other day, at Colchester Castle Park.....

My partner spotted this scene (above) and said it would be a good shot.
If it wasn't for him I'd have missed it!
I took it quickly, as it was getting chilly and the light was fading fast.
I had intended to crop it, but I like it as it is now!

This is a little ornamental pond in the gardens with the side of the castle in the background. In the summer this area smells strongly of lavender and roses.

There is a large house nearby, now a museum, called Hollytrees:You can just about see my partner walking around the side of the house here...

Here he is!

Don't know why the water in the fountain was blue...

Beautiful leaves on the walls...
Pity this next one was a bit blurred....
I remember my mum showing me how to make little dolls out of these when I was little :)
Ahh! Gotcha!