A dear friend

This is a long post, but one of the most important I've written, I think. One that marks something big in my life. If you do have time to sit and read it, thank you..........


I first got online in 2000.
Back then there were no blogs and few 'forums' as we know them now. In fact I didn't have much to do with the internet at all in those days. I stuck to email, and what we did have back then was newsgroups. These were like a message board, but not on a website. You joined the newsgroup and any messages you emailed to it went to everyone else in the group. These came out as a page of postings. It sounds a little archaic now, come to think of it!

Well I joined a newsgroup set up for people with depression. Most of the groups started with the prefix 'alt.' but for some reason this one started with 'alc.' which I did't even notice for a while, but I think it was a joke from someone somewhere, meaning we were a bit tipsy :) because of the strange name- 'alc.suicide' not many people found or joined it. We had about a dozen members from over the world, and we all seemed to share the same sense of humour. I would log on in the evening and spend hours in stitches sometimes.

Some members were very strong, others weren't. Some 'lurked', which was the term for someone who read but rarely posted.

We all had a history of depression in common. When one of us crashlanded the rest of us rallied round and supported them. There is much to be said for the intimacy of a smaller cyberspace!

In time lots of us moved on. I don't know what happened to the newsgroup. It continues for a while via a website, but I don't know how long it survived.

A few weeks ago I went searching for it. After hours, I found some of it saved in old cached pages. I was able to read 6 months of conversational threads from 2000. It took time to recognise some of the names but soon the in-jokes were back. It was very odd to read things that I had posted. It no longer sounded like my voice. I must have changed a lot. It was a very, very eerie experience to come across these old threads still out there, like disembodied ghost voices from my past.

And there there was Donna.

Donna lives in Missouri and I met her through this newsgroup. We started to email each other outside of the group as we got on so well. Donna has MS and sometimes wasn't able to get out of bed. Other times she'd be up but still only had the computer for communication with the outside world. She loves animals and her husband, John, is a vet who brings home anything he takes pity on. This meant that at one point they had about 14 dogs.

Over the years Donna has had some really scary times, like when she lost her sight for a few days and no one knew if it would come back.

We stayed in touch via MSN Messanger- conversations that lasted hours- and then email. She helped me when Luvbug went away to Ecuador and I didn't know if we'd ever be together- heartbreaking. She helped me through very black depression and worries and helped me make decisions when I needed to.

I've tried to help too, through some difficult times that her family went through, and through the various ups and downs of illness.

Lately we haven't emailed as often as before, just updates, rather than daily contact.

The latest update is devastating. She has been diagnosed with leukaemia and has been told she may have 6 months.

We always thought we would meet up, just took it for granted. Now it seems that would never happen.

Last night Luvbug and I tried to hatch a plan. He could stay here and look after mum and Scooter, I could fly over to Missouri on a Friday, stay the weekend, return Monday... a long way for a short trip, but mum reacts badly to change of routine, and at least me and Donna would finally meet.

The more I thought of it, the more I wanted this to be possible. And I'm convinced that if I don't at least try this I'll always regret it. When the reality set in, the long journey on my own, the strangers, the distance, I started to feel panicky. But I went to Australia on my own when I was 19, and I just have to take a deep breath, 'gird up my loins' (!) and be as brave as that pushy teenager I once was.

Now over to Donna. I asked her what she thought about it, and also which airport was nearest! (Kansas, apparently.) She said she is jumping with excitement and can't wait. It will depend on how well she is after her next chemo in a few weeks. She hopes she is up to it. So do I.

I told her don't worry, I'll get there somehow. And I told her to stop bouncing, that just can't be good for her!

*** **** ***** *** **** *****

Seriously, anyone out there lived through losing a friend? I've lost friends, but only been told they've gone after they've gone. I haven't been *through* the leaving part before, the goodbye. If you've been there, I'd appreciate some advice. Other than trying to be strong for her and smile, I don't really know what else I should do.

This is where people with faith have an advantage over those of us that don't- we don't really know what to do at this point. In a past life I'd be praying and having Mass said for her. Now I think I might plant a tree....

Anniversary Wols and pets galore....

Oonagh and Bill are Luvbug's parents, and it's their wedding anniversary today (52 years, I think.) Luvbug is over in Ireland visiting them at the moment, and he took this card with him to give to them. I'm not sure how he felt about seeing his mum and dad represented in "wol" form though :)The stamp came free with "Craft Stamper" magazine. I love bird stamps.
I stamped the letters of "anniversary" onto patterned paper, then punched out each letter with a flower punch, finishing by outlining each flower with a Sakura Soufle white pen and going over the letters with a clear Sakura glitter pen.

-2 wols inside. This time without the 3D eyes or the glossy glaze. Note that the girl wol has a red beak, as she has lipstick on (obviously haha).

Hey ho! So what do I do when Luvbug is out of town? Um, well there's this lot, to start....

OK, this isn't my usual style, never done this kind of decoupage before, but a pack of 4 sheets, mostly cats??? Couldn't resist. Besides, I like a change. It was relaxing, and fun!


Lorianna, the one on the left is on its way to you. The purple one is going to my mum....

(Why do dog pictures look so sad???)

The black lab is why I bought them, really. My friend Donna, in Missouri, has a black lab called Boston who hasn't been well lately. So this one is off to them!

Is it me, or is that kitten's head way too big???

I love this gold ribbon. Wish I could remember where I got it from. Ms Peach, the one on the right is coming your way :)

I keep hearing/reading that the fashion is moving towards really big cards, but I'm moving in the opposite direction! I like little cards. I think it's because they are easily held. I also love the way these cats sit up above the height of the card.

I like this one. I like the way the blue card picks up the blue of the cat's eyes.

OK now this one's just silly. Why would anyone have a dog the size of a cat when they could just have a cat???

Ah well, they were fun to do as I could sit and do them on a lap-tray- I haven't been feeling too well this week. With stamping I need to be at a table and press down on a hard surface. This is far more sitting-in-front-of-the-telly friendly.

A few cards, and lots of heating problems!

One rotten side effect of having a bug at the start of the year is that all the good intentions you had stored up for "new Year" get sidelined. It's hard to stay psyched up for them.

Hence, my intention to lose weight was put off with "not while I have a cold, I'm going to treat myself!" The one about tidying up and re-organising much of the house had to be dropped and the one about crafting and writing seems a long time ago now!

But the calendar keeps pushing forward and new, important dates come around... 4 birthdays this week! Here are two cards I managed to make last night, one for my mum, the other for a friend I made in an online depression support group 9 years ago (good grief! NINE years???? It can't be!)

I used the last of the papers Julie sent me in the one for my mum (above). I like the ribbon- I'd seen something similar in craft shops but it was very expensive. This one was 90p a metre (about $1.75 for 40 inches) at a traditional haberdasher's shop in Colchester.
I decorated the envelopes and the insides this time, too...

-I haven't met Donna (yet?) but she has been a great friend over the years. She has MS and has ups and downs with that. At the moment she isn't too well. Her husband, John, is a vet and they have adopted lots of animals- 11 dogs at the last count, lots of semi-feral cats out in a barn, plus a family of gliders (google them, they're really cute!).

Luvbug bought me these metallic watercolours for Christmas:-he let me have them early so that I could do these cards, one for his mum, one for mine :)
I only started making cards last August, so I've done mainly Christmas cards. I'm feeling a bit lost now I'm to make 'normal' ones. I suppose there is Valentine's and Easter coming up though.... I have been visiting a few crafty sites (see list, left) for inspiration and to get back into the mood. Seeing what others are doing, I feel more left behind than ever!

The study/craft room, where I organised all my arty stuff, is as cold as the garage. I made these sprawled across the living-room floor, in front of the fire! Remember the heating engineer that came and went? He left us with one working radiator, out of nine. Unfortunately it wasn't one of the downstairs ones.

As an experiment, I left a plug-in radiator switched on in the study last night. I went in there today around noon. The heater had been on its highest setting for about eleven hours, and had barely made any impression at all; still too cold to work in there, even with fingerless gloves. OK, I can put on extra layers, but I would still be breathing in cold air. With asthma, that isn't a good idea!

It's really frustrating to have parts of the house you can't use. It starts to affect how tidy the rest of the place is- you know where things need to go, but put off taking them there because it means opening doors to draughts and freezing cold rooms.

We've put our heating problems on the 'rated people' site, hoping for a few quotes from engineers. Hope we can get it sorted soon.

I want to get stuck into things before long, as I am starting to feel the year slipping away from me. I want to shout, "Wait for me! Come back!" but I need some damn heating, and to shift this cold/bug once and for all, first. I'm wary of getting bored, as boredom really does lead to depression.

Soooo frustrating....

Pootling about... well, as much as I can!

Taken in May, in Beaulieu, New Forest.

I've had a weird shift in my existence lately.
Normally I'd be OK physically and my only real pains would be of the mental variety. But for the last few weeks this has been the other way round :)

My back is still giving me bad pain (Xray appointment not for another 3 weeks!), my complexion, since I'm unable to get out much, has put me into Spotty Muldoon territory, and the copious codeine has left me as bloated as a barrage balloon. But inside my head it's Springtime and daisies. Even in between codeine doses :)

I think I would actually prefer it this way round, if it were not for the frustration- wanting to do things and being unable. Even washing my hair is a big event to be planned, it is so painful to stretch or bend. SO going for walks to the park to feed the squirrels, or walking to the shops even for the most basic of grocery trips, all these are ruled out completely.

I've had to watch, from the window, the weeds spread in the garden and mildew-type mould swallow up the mahonia. I can just about refill the bird feeders in the morning, though I've had to move one of them.

I have renewed respect for two of my friends in particular: Jacky, in Canterbury, who has ME, and is in a wheelchair and exhausted for much of the time; and Donna, in Missouri, who has MS.

It would be wonderful to have neither mental ill health nor physical pain, and I urge you, if this is the case with you, please appreciate it!!! -Just focus on it for a minute or two, so that you are aware of it and therefore not taking it for granted. Then perhaps look around and see if there is a friend who could use your help with something, or a phone call just to see how they are.