Art Course progress, and sinking with stressors all around....

I signed up to an online art course last month.
It's run by Suzi-Blu, the author of this book-

The course I'm on teaches you to draw a stylized portrait, first in pencil, then building up to mixed media on wood. Click here for more info on this course.

Here is my second attempt at a basic face, using a measuring system, e.g., an inch wide for each eye, an inch in between, then a inch down the middle to the end of the nose, and so on.

There has been teaching on shading, and cross-hatching as a way of building up shadow value.
This picture was done with just a 2H pencil so that you have to build up the shadow gradually.
This is interesting to me as previously I would have used several pencils and would have used the softer, darker ones for shadow, like 2B or 3B at least. I have never been taught shading and cross-hatching this way.

In the lesson, she took the picture at this stage and stuck it into her journal to return to at a late date. I can't do that because the journal I bought, the one recommended, is too small ;) so I have glued this to a piece of wood and have started to colour it with Prismacolor pencil and acrylics.
This evening I found out all my white acrylic is dried up though, so I have stopped there.


I'll try to steer to the art shop when I am in town with mum tomorrow, where no doubt she will be noisily horrified at the price of a tube of white paint.

**** *** **** *** **** ***

Meanwhile tonight I am very low............
Mum was panicky today about the noises she is hearing. The doc said it may be tinnitus, but she says it is very loud. We don't know if it's tinnitus associated with her hearing aids/ the mini strokes she had/ stress or whether it's a return of hallucinations to do with the vascular dementia.

I found a page on the internet about tinnitus and got her to sit with me and we read it together. Then I printed it out for her. She said she felt a bit better afterwards, having talked. But I felt drained as she had been so upset and talking about losing her mind so I had to calm her down and reassure her over and over....

Then, because it was getting a bit cold outside, mum went into the garden and pulled Scooter out of his tent and carried him indoors. I told her not to do this, but she said he was cold. The disturbance and the being carried (he hates it) caused him to have a funny turn, wobbly, twitchy and 'not quite there' again, a tiny seizure or the echo of one. Any sort of stress seems to be the trigger now. I won't even hoover unless he's out of the house.

After a stress and worry-filled evening my own mood sank. I am sipping brandy to settle my head. I tried my back-up pills but they had no effect.

Tearful now, and empty, and can't believe how uninterested I am in the art course. I hope it doesn't become another thing that ends up dropped. But this empty feeling of......nothing, and then I thought, even if I succeed, what will it do but give me a pile of pictures to clutter up another bit of this house and collect dust...... suspect a lot of this is hormones ;}

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Love, tea &cake,  
Helena

Holding on

Still here.
Thank you for your kind comments.


I stayed on the sofa last night. Managed to sleep a couple of hours. Made a fuss of Scooter, whose sinus problem was having a noisy stage. When Kevin got up for work I gave Scooter his morning meds in a piece of raw pork, then kissed K 'have a nice day' and headed for bed.


A little more sleep, check-in with mum on phone at 9am, then downstairs to check on Scooter who was........ sitting outside in the sun!


I kept an eye on him out there, and as the sun moved round so I put down blankies farther and farther down the garden to catch the warm rays. Eventually the roof of the house made it impossible to keep up. Eventually he retreated to indoors again.


Mum was up not long after 1. She has managed to get a bus here on her own for about 2 weeks now which is at once amazing and terrifying.


I cooked salmon for everyone. Scooter had a belly full.


I haven't eaten much this week, but I enjoyed my salmon pie and chips.


Still low. Cry when I think of Scooter not getting better.


Meeting up with Beanie on Sunday. Nervy but optimistic. Don't think I'm the best company at the mo.


I am saddest of all to see the summer go, especially when I see Scooter clinging to the last warm rays. He loves to lie in the sun. If only he were going into summer with this illness, not winter.


I can't think very much. I am worn out.

V low :(

I've been sinking for a while, but bobbing up and down really, so not hitting the bottom.

These last few days it's almost undescribable but I'll try for you:

• it's like when your computer goes into 'safe mode', shutting down everything but the essentials...
• it's like being an origami shape that is now closing down inwards...
• it's like grief, heart wrenching, head spinning, grief;  intermittent periods of blankness despersed with seeringly sharp heartbreak and buckets of tears.

Saw the GP today. Sending me for bloodtests to test hormone levels and thyroid.

Then saw the art therapist, who told me to ring the team there, any time, whether he's there or not.

The pills don't work, not even the back up ones, so they've been increased.

I bought some brandy. But that doesn't work either.

Don't worry I only got a small bottle. I know it's not the answer. Just wanted a break from my head.

 1am here. Off to bed I suppose. Check on Scooter..... he is holding his own but not vrey animated, eating, a little. It's harder and harder to get the pills into him. A part of me has broken deep down and said, he is going.... he is fading away.... and I fought and fought that feeling and those words till I had no strength left, like it was my strength that kept him going, and now something deep down has let go...

Oh ignore me. I'm potty. I wish I could be normal.

Coming out of the haze

Gosh, sorry. I don't remember writing that last post. If I had remembered it, I'd have done an update on it sooner, in case people were worrying about me. THANK YOU ALL for all your loving support and messages.....

I don't remember much of last week, apart from Friday.

I went to my GP Thursday morning. It was an appointment booked in advance to ask for a cholesterol test (mine's always high; whole family's is high, so have a check every 18 months or so...) ANYWAY I got in there and I burst into tears, and I remember telling her about hallucinating rabbits and being so desperately low, but I don't think it was a very long appointment. Or maybe it was, but to me it seemed like 5 minutes. It just flew by.

She gave me a form for a blood test. Hmmm. They are usually green. This was white and in small writing it said something about 'psychotropic elements' -wha?? Does she think I'm high? I mean high from illegal stuff and s**t??

Outside, I fell over. Searing pain through my right ankle. I heard people behind me saying something - it was pre 9am so still the 'school run'. I actually remember thinking, "Is anyone going to help me down here?" (!!!) A woman came and asked if I was OK, took my arm, but I said I was ok, thanks, I thanked her over and over.

Don't recall getting home. Don't remember the rest of Thursday at all, except taking a razor to my left forearm and, being surprised by how much blood came out, covering it up with a large white dressing.

Friday- I tried to get out of bed and AAAAAAAARGH! I looked down and saw that my right ankle was twice the width of my left one. Luvbug drove me to A & E. I had my blood test whilst there. An X-Ray said all ok, just a sprain. So I have an elasticky thing on it. My arm was in a bad way. I told them it was all part of falling in gravel. They cleaned it up and redressed it. Today I've just put a new one on.

No driving till I can 'hop on the bad foot 20 times' and no cycling. Actually, I quit my driving lessons last Monday. Just the start of a bad week......

I'm meant to be sitting with my foot 'higher than my bum' and then draw the alphabet with my toes. But I'm afraid I'm not being a very good patient as habitual seating positions are just too hard to give up ;)



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A smile:- Scooter has again taken to sleeping upstairs on our bed. He comes in all meows & chortles, and snuggles in between us, sometimes under the duvet, in which case he leans on me. The other night he came in soaking wet form the rain and gained access to the bed via a climb over Luvbug's neck LOL

Visiting the depths again!!

Oh boy, I've left it weeks again! I keep forgetting to get online, and then most evenings, I am soooo tired, I just want to sprawl in front of the TV once we've dropped Mum off home.

I think it's partly a side effect of the pregabalin I was prescribed in January. I does knock me out. Another bad side effect: I've gained another stone (14lb). I wasn't warned this could happen and it really got me down. It went on in just 3 weeks and now I can't shift it. Go to Google and type in "pregabalin weight gain" and you'll get pages and pages of stuff; research, forums, drugs sites, all saying it makes you gain weight. Normally I'd have looked it up before taking it, but I was in such a bad way in January, I just wanted anything that would help so I just took it.

Mum's on it too. It can be prescribed for anxiety (me), pain, and seizures (mum). Guess what? She's put on over a stone too!! She needed to gain *some* weight, but now even she is gaining too much.

You go to the doctor and they just shrug, like it's so unimportant compared to what it's treating. But it *is* important, isn't it? It affects your fitness and you feel about yourself.

I've been keeping a food diary and also a log of my activity, to see if I get enough 'exercise'. I've got my bike out again and I'm walking a bit more. All this isn't always possible if you're feeling completely bushed though!

Let me know if you have any weight loss tips!!!!!

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Head-wise, I hit rock bottom a few weeks ago. One night I was crying so badly I went into an asthma attack which was quite scary and I was coughing for a few days afterwards.

I hadn't been as low as I was that day for a very long time and I really didn't want to hang on, but told myself I had to hang on for Luvbug, and Mum, and my gorgeous Scooter-cat, too.

It occurred to me- and sorry if this causes offence- but it occurred to me that dying for someone else is easy in comparison to living for them, once you are in so much pain inside you can't bear to go on otherwise. To carry on for someone else's sake alone can feel a lot harder than dying when you are down in that abyss.


*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

I've managed to do some cards for people but I'll put them in separate post so people don't have to visit this depressing stuff if they don't want to! LOL

Not coping

Lots of stress signs: bursting into tears, sleeping heavily and intermittently with mad dreams, snapping at everybody, stomping about in a bad temper. Heart rate is high. Feel fat fat fat and miserable. Tumbling thoughts and HEARING THINGS. Want to switch off.

I just can't cope with mum any more. Little of what she says makes sense. Even when I am not with her she calls, calls, calls. She can't work the tv any more. She can't follow a diagram or written notes either, we tried that. She says she has been hallucinating for 4-5 weeks, seeing people who are not there, faint people with white outlines.

I have seen her every day since 5th March. There is no help; social services say that as she can go to the lavatory herself with no need of help, she doesn't get a carer, and I get no help. That's it. Oh, they did offer grab rails for the bath, which she already has, or meals-on-wheels at £3.50 a day for lunch, which she tried, and we cancelled after a few weeks because she called them "foul" and refused to eat them.

So that's it then.

I told my GP, in tears, that I wasn't coping. She told me, oh well, you'll have to put her into a home then.

I asked the neurologist 2 weeks ago, and she told me to ask the churches.

I am almost giving up. Except I can't, can I? Because who else is there? I think I shall end up going to the wall. I'll reach the point where I can no longer see that I can't, and I'll take every pill I can find, altogether, at once. And then the authorities and relatives who SHOULD help will HAVE to come and pick up the pieces, won't they? There doesn't seem to be any other way out of this relentless situation.

Hanging on by my fingernails for Luvbug and Scooter ;)

Thank you for all the support out there. Some of you have even given your phone numbers- I am very moved that you would do so as that very generous of you. I do have an emergency number to ring if I get to 'that' stage. I might be up ringing it in the middle of the night quite soon.

Sorry to post such misery near Christmas. Even our little tree gave up the ghost! We will try to return it to the shop tomorrow....



CARFTERING has been updated too, if you can bear it!!!

The trick is, to do little things, little and regularly.

-It's true.

My days lately seem full, wall to wall. No time for anything. I am either looking after mum or chasing up people whose job it is to help me look after her (and getting nowhere). But I have been leaving my craft stuff out by my chair and some evenings I manage to do a little. Leaving it to hand helps. I have craft magazines next to the bed, too. I find I can't read my history books any more, and novels are hopeless.

Luvbug has bought me a tiny sewing machine, as I have notions of making wee little fancy notebooks, perhaps as gifts for people. I have yet to make any start, as I can't thread or use the dam' thing!!! But I have bookmarked a video on You Tube that shows how :)

Isn't it dinky? Well, you know that Bob is an 8inch Bear, so judge for yourself!


Another lovely arrival in the post recently was these stamps from the now closed Elzybells. They were a quarter their original price..... oh look, that Bear's got in the photo again, with the other Xmas stamps I've dug out...

I've made a few gift tags. In the hopes that I may be able to buy pressies early this year as in others, I will need these to wrap them up, won't I?

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If you're wondering why I've put a countdown to my birthday at the top of my blog, it's because I've been on a diet for weeks and so I want to know how long I have wait for a bit of cake.

Not much in the way of results so far. I lost 7lb then put 3 back on. D0n't know how, as I have been very strict.

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Most of the time mum is ok till about 1pm, albeit with lots of phone calls to and from me. Then she will be with me till about 9pm, me staying at her place till early evening, then she comes to our place for dinner......

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Jobs around the house are too numerous to even bother putting on a to-do list. I manage to keep on top of the laundry and cook a meal each night but that's about it. Everywhere needs vacuuming and dusting and tidying. Easy to say, oh let it go, but I am worried about it all, as there is no way of knowing when mum will have to move in with us. When will her next attack come? When will she have to move in?

Meanwhile the house is falling apart around my ears, looking more and more like a student squat and adding to my depression. But I just don't have the time or the energy......

This week I have taken more hours out of the time I spend on the home, as I have finally begun driving lessons. I had my first on Monday morning. My second is this Friday. The instructor said I'm doing OK.

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Lately I have been in tears and literally on the floor as I have been so stressed out and tired by the relentless ongoing-ness of this carer role I suddenly have. Typing it here makes me feel stupid. Some people do it all and have kids to take care of, too, so what am I moaning about?

I am thinking about doing an 'invited readers only' blog for the caring part of my life, to keep it a little private, and also to free up this blog for the lighter side of things!!!! You'd be welcome to ask for the way in, just email me. I'll let you know when it's up and running.....

Still here.

I've been avoiding blogging because I've been feeling so low and don't like doing negative posts. Then I thought, hmmm, better say SOMETHING or people might worry I'd fallen off the side of the earth of something. No, still here. Hanging on. Just. But mostly because of a sense that I have to.

After rallying for a while, my mum seems to be slipping a wee bit.

Today we were having cups of tea in a cafe. She saw a man using his mobile phone and she started acting very strangely. When I asked what was wrong, she became very secretive, looking all around, then whispering to me that this man was using his phone. Then she tutted loudly and shook her head. She told me she hoped the police weren't around- that's who she had been looking for- because it isn't allowed. "WHAT isn't allowed? Using his phone?"- I couldn't believe it.
"Well, they say it isn't allowed."
"Who says?"
"They say."
"Um, no, it's OK. It's only not allowed if you're driving."
"Hmm." she wasn't convinced and kept looking at him.
I repeated myself, "It's only illegal if you're driving, mum."
There was no smile, or "Oh! Of Course!", no realisation came, which it usually does, when she gets something wrong. I don't think she was at all convinced. Yet I have a mobile phone, which she rings, and she has one too, although she can't use it any more, she still gets it out sometimes and looks at it, and tells us we'll have to teach her how to use it (which we do, countless times). So why this sudden suspicion of mobile phones?

We dropped her off this evening and she keeps ringing about strange worries. I don't want to tempt fate, but I have a feeling that there might be something big and nasty up ahead.

Still no word on those medications that could help slow things down, and no appointment in sight. I have written to the neurologist myself today, to try to speed things up.

***

Things are slowly moving towards autumn all around us. The nights are drawing in. My personal worry is simply this; that if I am feeling low and tearful already, how will it be when the days are all dark and cold?

Trying to do things one day at a time here. One day at a time. Not much gets done, though, not when you have to be with someone else most of the day. The house is a wreck, which really doesn't help my head at all, but I just don't have the time and energy to keep on top of it all. I need a helper and despite all the feelers I put out months ago, there just aren't any.

2 more cards..... and nose diving.

Thanks for your comments, especially re. that birthday card. Here's the other one, the one for mum's neightbour, Sylvie. She was 91 on Saturday.

inside....

Here's one I made for my nephew, Alex. He'll be 10 on the 22nd but I'm safe posting it here as my family don't bother with my blogging!!

Meanwhile the strain is starting to show, I think. I had thought I was holding it together soooo well. Too well, maybe.

Mum has burst into tears twice in the last week, clinging on to me and crying. I find it amazingly difficult. It leaves me stunned, shocked. Mum never showed emotion. NEVER. And I don't mean just that she never hugged us or said she loved us, or congratulated us when we did things well. None of that happened. But I also mean she showed no emotion to movies, stories on the news, even the deaths of pets or the burial of my murdered cousin. NOTHING. ZERO. ZILTCH. And so now she is tiny, half the frame she was a few years ago, and she is clinging to my arm, which she has touched more in the last few months than in the rest of my entire life all rolled together, and she is WEEPING. Of COURSE I am being gentle. Of course I am looking after her. Of course I am being the kindest I can be. I just didn't realise what it was taking out of me.

On Tuesday I didn't make it to Art Therapy- 2 weeks in a row now, because I just didn't feel I could leave her. By the evening I think my body had started to rebel! A stye the size of a pea came up on my eye literally within a few minutes. I put my fingertip to my eyelid, expecting to feel a loose eyelash or something, and I felt the lump. By the time I'd got a mirror it had grown. We dashed to the pharmacy and got some anti-infection eye drops. By the time we got back I was feeling sick and dizzy, seeing stars.

We drove mum home early, about 8ish. I went straight to bed. Apart from Fluffy's loud mewling through the night and morning, I slept on and off till after midday Wednesday. Even after I was up I felt wobbly and the room was spinning.

I convinced mum to let me have a sleepy, lazy day on my own. We still rang each other a few times. Then Luvbug picked her up after work, about 5.30. I was still so tired. My eye is better though.

Today, I am tearful and shaky and I can't keep my mind on anything. I feel so low.

I had decided to join a new fitness class starting tonight at the school at the end of my road. But I didn't get home in time. And it just felt like, oh, why bother. There was I feeling positive, thinking I could meet new friends maybe, or get fit, lose a few pounds and -God forbid- have 90 minutes to myself a week.... but it just isn't to be, is it?

Luvbug lost his rag this morning over his computer. Man, you should have heard the swearing and cursing. It got me downstairs, and more to the point, it turned my stomach over and over. After the rows I grew up with at home, I just can't bear anyone shouting and getting angry. But bang bang, stomp stomp stomp, swearing and shouting at 40-odd decibels. Poor Scooter got a rude awakening and I found him creeping away from the living room.

Well that just left me shattered for the day, dazed and tumbled.

"Oh it was just the machine was playing up and I was late and blah blah blah...." and "You know I would never aim it at you..." so what???? So stir up a foul atmosphere, then smile and go to work and forget about it. SOME OF US CAN'T.

Sorry. Just want to quit, today.

Familiar but strange...

The depression is strange. It seems to know that I just don't have room for it right now. It sits curled up, deep down, and only reaches to the outside rarely, mostly in bursts of tears that last hours, before all returns to normal. I'm grateful, as it means mum doesn't get to see me at my worst, or anything like it.

She isn't daft. She can tell when I'm tired or when something is irritating me, when I feel annoyed about something. But I haven't been depressed around her. I'm glad it keeps to its own compartment for now.

Looking at previous patterns, I know that there is only a matter of time before the lid of the compartment blows and the beast escapes.

What I don't know is how long I have left before that happens. So I have to contact outside help this week.

I've been advised to start with Age UK*, as apparently they can advise on help with care, meals-on-wheels, etc. I also need to get a back up plan in place in case I just can't organise things like her medication and going out. A regular break would help so much. One day, or one afternoon, even, a week, or fortnightly; time on my own or with Luvbug, but time when I can relax and not think that she is worrying where I am or getting confused and scared, which is what happens if I keep my appointment with Art Therapy every Tuesday. I've had to skip it twice recently, as I just couldn't get away.

As ever, thank you all so much for your supportive comments and emails. I'm sorry I don't reply to them individually.



*age UK is the name of the newly combined charities Age Concern and Help The Aged.

Don't know what to say any more...

I showed Mum some photo's of the bungalow she' buying. She didn't remember anything about the house move, so we are planning to take her up to our place on Saturday for the day, and while there, arrange with the Estate Agent another viewing of the bungalow.

So anyway, I thought it would be best to show her some pic's of it, so that it wouldn't be a big shock on the day. I found some photo's of the place this evening and showed her them. "OH YES!!" she said, and seemed happy, as she admired the pictures of the bungalow's interior....

....and shortly after, she was a fit of worry, chewing her lip, clenching her hands.

SHIT SHIT SHIT

Shouldn't have shouldn't have shouldn't have.

Didn't think.

Bugger.

She had got past the worry and was looking forward to it.
Now we're back at square one- rambling worries like this:
don't know what to do for the best, don't know if I should do it, how do I move? Should I? What do you think? How do I move the furniture? Do I have to take the carpets with me? How do I move all this stuff? What about all the books? What if some of the papers they need are missing? What about the stuff in that cupboard? Nothing has been signed yet has it?

I KNOW these are natural worries that ANYONE would go through with a house move, let alone someone who hasn't moved address for 27 years. But I have had to answer these queries 20 times over BEFORE this latest seizure. Now the seizure has wiped all the answers again. So I have to be patient, and humouring, and quiet and gentle. Again. Again. Again.

Not sure I am up to it. I HAVE to be, dammit. I HAVE to be.

But I am crumbling inside.

Can anyone who hasn't been here possibly understand how exhausting it is, to answer and reassure over the same thing, over and over? And knowing it will just pop up again the next day, or a few days after, and then you'll have to do it again?

I have this laptop -thanks be to Luvbug for getting the mobile access sorted out!- and I have treated myself to a few craft magazines this week. But I cannot lose myself in these things for more than 5 or 10 minutes at a time because then another question pops up and I have to address it. Even if I already did. Just now, in fact.

I have emergency back-up pills for when I am getting stressed. I know when I need to take them because the extremes of the bi-polar thing start to kick in: hearing things, for example. Man, I've been thinking there were mice upstairs but last night, if that was mice, they were wearing hobnail boots...... but if I take one of the pills I'll be wooooozy. I won't be able to get up at 5 like yesterday or 6 like today..... and if I don't, and she has another seizure like last Friday morning's......

And then at the same time there is the guilt- I should be able to. When I was a child, how many times did I ask the same question?

But underneath it all, chewing away and getting bigger and bigger is the screaming fact that I have 3 siblings, and I'm doing this all without them.

NOT ONE CALL this week.

Then I find myself making excuses for one of them because he told me on Monday that he is seeing a P-doc. Ahhh poor thing, I thought. Yes, I must make allowances for that. He's in therapy.

WAIT A M....-?????????

SO AM I!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just had a phone call from Luvbug..... nice and calm now.... ish. Mum is watching tv with the sound off again. She is staring at a shark. I have just put a stew on to cook. In half an hour we'll make dumplings........sorry to go on and on..... you don't have to read it, I just need to get it out...

Hullo! I'm still here!

-Only just! My internet connection is so rubbish lately! BT Broadband my arse! Have you seen their latest advert? "We are rolling out top speed broadband for the fastest connection ever, even at the busiest times blah blah blah....." yeah, and I'm in training to fly to the moon for my birthday, wearing pink pyjamas and a cowboy hat. STROOOOF!

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On a less frazzled note, here's a card I made for Caroline, whom I've known since I was about 10. It was her birthday last week. I heard from her yesterday that the card and pressie had arrived safely, so now I can show it :) ....The dragonfly stamp and the smaller, swirl stamp were free with Craft Stamper magazine a few months ago.
I used a blank rectangular card but stuck silver swirl stickers to each end and then cut round them to make a more interesting shape. Most of the dragonflies are stamped with Scrappy Cat Chocolate Brown ink, but the black one is stamped in Stazon onto Acetate.

Acetate is new for me. I have experimented with it before, but the results have always been filed in the small circular file on the floor under the desk ;)

-in this last photo you can see the acetate more clearly, and also the irridescent glitter applied to one dragonfly. Sorry to go on, but I really liked this one. LOL!

This was the matching tag for her gift:I'm glad she liked them.

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Sorry if my lack of posts has caused concern.... please don't worry. I am in a bit of a blue funk at the moment.... not sure what to do with myself.... evenings drawing in again always make me sad, too.... but still plodding on. Hoping to keep going. Coming out of the worst, for now.... the cycling is helping. I really love my bike. Must invest in something waterproof to wear on it soon....

An award... just at the right time!

I've crash-landed again these last few days.
I've just been out cycling to try to clear my head, blow the cobwebs away. Although the cobwebs feel like they're made of lead scaffolding at the moment. Since getting back indoors, I got some crackers and cheese, and emptied out the bottle of Baileys into a glass- topping up the pathetic quantity with milk and ice cubes. I've been sipping it away here, and now my head is soothed. Not a method I would like to become reliant on, but it has helped for now. Welcome relief.

On checking hereabouts I discovered I'd been awarded this:This award comes from Sir Woodstock:
Sir Woodstock is a gorgeous Bear, as you can see. Best not tell Bob I said that though.

Thanks, Sir Woodstock.
Just what I need at times like this.

The translation of the award is 'Your Blog is Like a Pearl - Rare, delicate and charming!'

Now I'm meant to pick 6 others to give it to, but I'm afraid I can't, not honestly, as some of the blogs that deserve it have a 'no tag & no award zone' rule. Never mind. If you're here, take this award with my best wishes and pass it on as best you can....

And NOW I have SAND in my pants.

Had the appointment with the ENT doc last week.
Went for (1) the labrynthitis that my GP said was causing my dizziness these past 7 weeks, and-
(2) why has my hearing on my right side been reduced for years- GP thought it might just be sinuses, even though I can breathe fine. I can't pinch my nose, blow and make my ears "pop". They just won't clear. And on the right side it really affects my hearing.

So!

Imagine my shock when, after 90 minutes in the clinic (plus 75 mins in waiting rooms) I discover that I actually have a disease called Otosclerosis, which causes progressive hearing loss.

Otosclerosis- you know those three tiny bones in the ear, and one of them is called the stapes or "stirrup"? They vibrate and this sends soundwaves through to your inner ear-???
Well in this condition they harden till they just stick fast and don't move, hence the deafness.

AND!!! As though this wasn't enough!
- this describes the first stage,
The SECOND stage is when the disease goes into the INNER ear, in which case it actually interferes with the nerves, and how the sound messages are sent along to the brain.

The test for this is with a tuning fork- he made the fork vibrate then held it in front of me and asked WHERE I heard it- to my surprise it sounded like it came from over on the right of me. He carried on putting it in different positions and asking me where I heard it. It was so weird, but I heard it from other directions most of the time, not from where it actually was. (No wonder I can never tell where helicopters are!!!)
The worst one was when he actually touched my head behind my left ear with the fork, and I heard it over on the front right.
So! I was positive on this test, meaning the disease has already got to my inner ear.

Then I had a hearing test-
VERY pleased that my left ear comes up as within normal range. But VERY shocked my results of my right ear- I knew that it was mostly low sounds I can't hear too well as I have noticed this with music; no bass in the right ear, always tinny. But in the test some low noises I couldn't hear on the right till they were at 40 decibels.

The tester also did another test for the spatial hearing. She produced a chart that showed a particular pattern that the ENT doc said confirmed otosclerosis in the second stage. I've since googled it till the cows come home and have at times found examples of this chart with just the same pattern on it. On a positive note I am really pleased to have found a doc that knows his stuff!

SO now I have an appointment in May for a hearing aid fitting! And then another appointment with the ENT doc re the dizziness-

Oh yes! The dizziness! It wasn't labrynthitis at all! SO just as well I got the referral to the ENT as the GP was wrong on that. Wish I hadn't taken all the stuff he gave me for it then, hurrumpff hurrumpff....

The dizziness was something called BENIGN PAROXYSMAL POSITIONAL VERTIGO. This is what it is-

you know that bit in the ear that coils round like a snail's shell? (Cochlea?) Well! A tiny bit of calcified matter had broken off and was floating about in the liquid in this bit. So! The ENT did a procedure called The Epley manoeuvre which means he lay me down till I went dizzy, holding my head in his hands. Then he turned my head right, back, up, down, left etc etc, steering the little bit of matter out of the coil. And it worked! The dizziness has gone! Amazing! Wonderful to see someone who knew what to do!

Mum has very little hearing in one ear and her dad was the same, and yes, otosclerosis is genetic. I've emailed my siblings to let them know....

You can have the gene and not develop the disease, and different things can spark it off. One thing that can is having a virus. This fits, as I can trace my hearing loss back to the late 1980s when i had a bad head cold that made my ears blocked and itchy. My GP back then didn't give me anti-biotics, so maybe that was because he thought it was part of the cold virus and not an ear infection. But since then my right ear has never felt 'open'.

The ENT said my ears were clean, nothing to block them and ear drums are normal. SO it isn't a pressure thing. He doesn't think my Eustachian tubes are working well though, so he's going to test them when I go back.

This last week I have been in shock and upset at the news, and trying to imagine losing my hearing. Mum has been sympathetic and supportive. We have had a laugh about it- with her it is on the left and with me it's on the right. SO I said, we better make sure you always sit on my left in future or we'll both be sitting there going "Ay? What? What you say?"

I just didn't need this news on top of other stuff, which have been stressful too. I have been on the floor with big belly-sobs, so low and upset. I feel like I am disintegrating inside lately. I wish I could go somewhere on my own for a bit and just rest and watch the world go by. I really need to get away on my own and clear my head. Which is odd, really, as I feel so lonely.

A Beautiful Mind

It's been like a roller-coaster, these last few weeks.

First, there was my partner investing in a franchise, then meeting Julie (nerve wracking before, wonderful during!!) the trip to Lincoln, then home for Easter, then to Mum's for a few days... and for a couple of days this week I completely crashed!

It began Tuesday, while I was still at mum's; I felt myself really slipping downwards. I said I was tired, made a few excuses and took some time out up in her spare room, catching some sleep. We got home that night and I took one of my "emergency blue pills". These are trifluoperazone, for when the bi-polar zig-zag pushes me a little too far either up or down.

Wednesday night I sat up, on a diet of diazepam and chocolate muffins :)

Thursday morning I felt better, but gradually wore down through the day. So I took another catnap. Then I had an email from an old school friend, Josephine, asking to come up. I explained how I felt, and she said that I needed "a dose of silliness" and prescribed herself and her 10 year old daughter, who promptly arrived Friday morning :)

I didn't feel up to it, and wanted to defer for a few days, but focused on what nice things I could get for them to eat. I made a chicken and bacon pie and Luvbug bought banoffee pie and doughnuts. In the afternoon, with full tummies, we all went off to a garden centre and chose plants for our respective gardens.

I have no idea where this one came from. Then in an email Julie very kindly suggested that maybe it was the number of things I'd had all at once- this labrynthitis virus that I'm still fighting, a trip away from home, worrying about Fluffy, worrying about my partner, .... all sorts of things. Yes, I suppose so.

*** *** *** *** ***

Scary bits............

Photo taken from my back, upstairs window a couple of years ago... it was a great storm!

It's hard to descibe how it feels but imagine your brain telling you that you have too much stimulation around you, and so you have to go and lie down for a few hours in a quiet spot. The longer it takes to go and do that, the worse it gets, until it becomes a physical pain, like a belt tied tightly around your forehead. The inner tension slips down to your chest and feels like an empty vacuum. You start to go "zombie-fied", when even finishing a sentence is mentally exhausting and painful. Sleep, sleep, rest. Then try to distract yourself when you wake up, don't just lie there. Do something till you have to rest again. Takes a bit of willpower to get up and do that though.

This time the flunk brought with it the more disturbing, hallucinary symptoms. I saw shadowy shapes running past the window, heard what sounded like a group of people chattering behind me, and the non-auditory but "sensory" things, these are the scariest- feeling someone walking into the room, turning to say hello and no one is there. Or feeling watched. Or not being able to get out of bed because of that child-like conviction that SOMETHING is on the stairs.

I always tell myself it isn't real, it isn't true, and make myself walk past it. Or occasionally run. But what makes it difficult is that it doesn't come when I am feeling at my worst. It comes when I am calm and thinking that the ill phase has gone or is passing- so these things take me by surprise. Just as I am pootling about my day, I see or hear or sense something that isn't there, and it is always threatening, mocking or evil....... never mind. Another week and I'll be clear, I'm sure. Just have to pace myself now.

I watched A Beautiful Mind again the other week. That film always gives me courage. Look at what John Nash lives with, and look at what he's achieved. He doesn't have bi-polar, he has schizophrenia, but he copes by just letting the hallucinations be, and just ignoring them. My mind doesn't play anything like the tricks his does, but then my brain can't do anything like the maths he does either :)
But his story always gives me a bit of strength: to know you can have a normal, even successful life despite having a mind that does odd things at times. I find myself thinking, well if he can do it, so can I.

I realise that some people will see my decision to post about this as a little risky. And yes, I have lost at least one friend over this thing. But the only way to counteract people's fear of this is to say exactly what it is and what it does. If people can't cope with that, ok, I'll understand if you want to keep away. I'm not hiding it though. I'm not sure I can. So the more people understand the inner workings of it, the better.

Also, maybe someone out there has the same but can't put it into words. They can point at the screen and say to their loved ones, "Look, read this."

"All manner of things shall be well....."

I took this photo July 2007: wild flowers growing out of the ruins of Fountains Abbey, Yorkshire.

VP has posted about the effect that stress at work had on her a few years ago, and how her life has changed for the better since.

I came to a similar epiphany at the end of 1996. I'd been working in London, mostly in stockbroking, for nearly 12 years. Long, long hours- 12 hour days sometimes, plus standing on overcrowded cummuter trains for an hour to get there, unpaid overtime, pressure pressure pressure, high mortgage rate (10.5% when I took it out, and it never dropped!) bills bills bills, redundancy over and over as things crashed, then the fear and race to get in to another firm and carry on, never seeing my home in daylight, always tired, health slipping, depression etc etc etc.... then BUMPF! I was in hospital with a blood clot on my lung.

Hmmm. I didn't know how serious that was till the nurse came over and said, "Ermmm... we forgot to ask you what religion you are-???"

WHAT the?

Luckily I was OK. I have asthma now and have to watch it if I get a chest infection. But that's OK. But I never went back to work in London.

It dawned on me that what you do is not what you are. It didn't matter. It's what's in you that counts. And it's who you are and how you are that people will remember, not how many hours you worked or whether you had some great "respectable" job. Big deal!

I lay in that bed at age 29 and thought, Eeek! It's true! You DO only live once! Is this it?

I get ribbed for 'underachieving' and my stepmother calls me lazy for not going back to a 'high end job'. Well, as an old departed friend of mine used to say, up yer bum!

I also love that -slightly more poetic- saying from Julian of Norwich:

"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well."

An odd experience

Taken in Brockenhurst, the New Forest, April this year.

I've been doing "rapid cycling".
No, this doesn't mean I'm entering the Tour De France.
It means I had a seriously low low patch 2 weeks ago, which lasted about 5 days, then straight up into a height of energy and creativity, and now I'm levelling out....

I've never known such a fast turnaround. And I had got so low it surprised me- no matter how many years of it, you always forget what it feels like down there. Then the big burst of energy and creativity...

I'm going to record here what this was like, because I shall forget! Whenever someone mentions bi-polar, the impression is that, hey, if you're going to get depression, this is the type to get, cos at least you get the "up" side. Hmmm....


OK. It's easy to imagine the low part of the roller-coaster being bad. Everyone has off-days, so everyone can imagine bad ones. This time around I sank into a place where I had to cut my own forearm with my sharpest nails, so as to feel something. ANYTHING. Anything other than deadness and fog. It all seems perfectly logical from the inside at the time. When I realised what I was doing I showed my partner- not attention seeking- I showed him so that I'd stop. Self-harmers hide their wounds. I know that. So the first thing to do was to show him. Then I bit off the offending nails(!)

My head felt like it was in a brace, being pulled tighter and tighter. I couldn't handle anything. I just wanted to scream. The best thing was when I went to bed with only a low light and pulled the covers over me. Rest your head.... rest your head.... stay for hours, quiet, safe.

So that was the low. But how could an "Up" possibly be unenjoyable?


OK. When I was in my teens I had a (insert swearword here)boyfriend who was so tight, when he drove down hills he would turn off the engine to save fuel.
Imagine this on a grander scale. You are in a roller coaster, you are in the car at the front. The train has come off the rails and you are riding through the air at top speed with everyone screaming in your ears, faster faster faster.

If you relax you might enjoy the ride, but it's scary, isn't it? NO CONTROL. That's the point. On and on. Not knowing when it will stop.

You have 36 hours straight, no sleep, tons of energy. Then you might sleep for 4, maybe 5 hours, and then you're off again. You feel like a kid who wants to go and knock on everyone's door and shout "COME ON! COME OUT TO PLAY!". Your heartbeat is racing and you are ALWAYS aware of it. You can feel it. Even when you do try to sleep, because your body aches and you feel sick and dizzy, you can't- your heartbeat feels like a butterfly in your chest, and your head is full of ideas, tumbling over and over like multi-coloured socks in a tumble-dryer. All you can do is lie awake and watch them.

I got a lot done in my spurt of energy. But I'm glad to be levelling out again. Now I feel more like me.

The p-doc recommended a "mood stabilizer" drug. I refused lithium. But she suggested carbamazepine or sodium valproate.

Look them up! The main, most common side effects are weight gain, acne and nausea. Great! What is the point of giving someone with depression something that will make them a fat, spotty muldoon? Especially as I am already overweight and partial to the occasional spottiness.

So I've ruled them out. Till next time. Already the memory of it is fading. You can remember words and actions, even intentions and thoughts. But you can't accurately recall pain. Good thing too, really.

And NOW I have SAND in my pants.

Note to USA readers: by pants, I mean underpants, shorts or panties, ok? ;) (LOL)

***

A few years ago I was listening to a Saturday morning show on Radio 4, one headed up by the late John Peel. A theme had been forming over the previous weeks, on family sayings.

It had started out as different names for the remote control. For example, I call it the bodger, as did all my family. My partner calls it the yolk, which meant remote in his family. You get the idea. (What do you call yours?)

OK. This particular morning produced the weirdest saying of all: "And NOW I have sand in my pants."

The listener who had written in with this one explained that, as a youth, he had been dragged off to a Venture-Scout Outward-bound weekend. Everything went wrong, starting with having to go against his will in the first place.

When they went for a run, he tripped. When they climbed, he fell over. He forgot to pack his lunch. When they went canoeing, and had to tip over upsidedown, his glasses fell off. He followed them down and crawled about trying to find them. Crawling up the riverbank, spluttering while his friends all laughed, he said, with complete seriousness and utter venom, "And NOW I have SAND in my pants!"

And so, among his family and friends, from that day on, this was the phrase people used when they meant that they had met the very last straw. The final insult. The cherry on the cake of blah.

Good, isn't it?

Anyway. That news I got yesterday was the sand in my pants. I've had a bad week or so and the effect on my brain has been to shift into a lower gear. Those out there who've been there will know what I mean. If you don't, imagine when your computer goes wrong and will only open up in safe mode. This means only the very essential processes will function. (Oh, and they throw it into black and white, too. You never thought you'd long to see that microsoft blue did you? But in safe mode it's like when you've missed a period- Oh God, please, no, I promise to be good from now on, just make it come back, pleeeeeeease!)

Sheez I just remembered my partner's mum visits here. Ooops. Hullo!

Where was I. Oh yes. Here's another saying: I used to know someone who would call the week I'm having "a week to throw sh*t at". And she wouldn't have used the star.

But maybe things are changing. I checked my email and my little brother (little as in 10 inches taller but 9 years younger) has got a job. Horray! He had been looking for a few months and was getting sooooo depressed.

I think it may have been a desperate call from him last week that started all this actually. He sounded so low, I was seriously worried about him and begged him to see a doctor. He said, "What for? Pills? No! That's YOUR way of dealing with it. Not MINE." It knocked me back, it really did. Antidepressants have been a necessity round here for a long long time. I won't accept any stigma about it. If I had diabetes I'd have meds. If I had a heart condition I'd have meds. I have depression, I have meds. Big deal. Move along please, nothing to see here....

I went to bed earlier but my head was too busy. So I'm up sipping tea and eating crunchy nut bars and watching Law & Order with the subtitles on. I wonder who does those? Maybe I could get a job doing that. Maybe I wouldn't have to leave the house then, and I could lessen the danger of getting sand in my pants ;)

Knock, knock...... or, please tell me this is valuable.

Latest creation, with a new stamp, from Whiff Of Joy. I made it Wednesday night for my brother's partner. Her birthday is tomorrow. I plan to buy her a gift card from Boots. So I made this little folder to put it in, too:-front view

-back view

inside- I'll put the gift card in the pocket on the right.

Not sure if I will use it. Tempted to just chuck it in the bin!

Also made this modern Xmas card. It's a take on the "3 Wise Men" do you see?!

I'm feeling pretty low and ratty but fear not, I checked the calendar at my first Grrrrrrrr and ah, yes, it appears I am hormonal. I'll be feeling better in a few days, I hope!

I think some of this is sleep deprivation, too, as my back has been keeping me awake. Hey ho. Only another TEN DAYS to my X-ray.

I don't feel like doing any more cards, and I hope this feeling passes.

*My partner did make a comment that the cards are nice an' all, but not as good a thing to be doing with my talents as the pictures and paintings I've done in the past*.

Me, I've been seeing them as just another form of craft, another expression of an arty streak. There is no better or worse, no less or more worthy. What's more, it takes a lot out of you to do a painting or even a drawing. People think you're just sitting and drawing, so what could possibly be tiring about that? But it is, it drains you. All that concentration. All that head work. All that eye work, precision, decisions, focus, perspective. It exhausts you. I haven't had that in me for a while, and this papercraft stuff is a great way to be getting my creativity out of me in another way.

I know he didn't mean anything bad, it's the way it came out. The trouble with me is, once it's in my head, there it is. So, deep down I know he didn't mean to belittle the enormous pile of cards I now have- I've made about 50 since the end of July- but that's in my head. In my heart I feel I've been knocked right down. I look at my cards, and the huge stash of materials I've acquired, and I feel, "What's the point?" I feel I've been judged in my own home, *and in my own space*.

I did ask in an Art Cafe last Friday if they would take some of my cards to sell. She was enthusiastic. Gave me her email. Asked me to email about 6 samples to her. I still haven't......

Pootling about... well, as much as I can!

Taken in May, in Beaulieu, New Forest.

I've had a weird shift in my existence lately.
Normally I'd be OK physically and my only real pains would be of the mental variety. But for the last few weeks this has been the other way round :)

My back is still giving me bad pain (Xray appointment not for another 3 weeks!), my complexion, since I'm unable to get out much, has put me into Spotty Muldoon territory, and the copious codeine has left me as bloated as a barrage balloon. But inside my head it's Springtime and daisies. Even in between codeine doses :)

I think I would actually prefer it this way round, if it were not for the frustration- wanting to do things and being unable. Even washing my hair is a big event to be planned, it is so painful to stretch or bend. SO going for walks to the park to feed the squirrels, or walking to the shops even for the most basic of grocery trips, all these are ruled out completely.

I've had to watch, from the window, the weeds spread in the garden and mildew-type mould swallow up the mahonia. I can just about refill the bird feeders in the morning, though I've had to move one of them.

I have renewed respect for two of my friends in particular: Jacky, in Canterbury, who has ME, and is in a wheelchair and exhausted for much of the time; and Donna, in Missouri, who has MS.

It would be wonderful to have neither mental ill health nor physical pain, and I urge you, if this is the case with you, please appreciate it!!! -Just focus on it for a minute or two, so that you are aware of it and therefore not taking it for granted. Then perhaps look around and see if there is a friend who could use your help with something, or a phone call just to see how they are.