Juggling life through a bi-polar lens. Sometimes up, sometimes down. Mostly trying to tread water in the middle. Creating a likeness to a normal life. Whatever "normal" is...

Thursday, 9 September 2010

2 more cards..... and nose diving.

Thanks for your comments, especially re. that birthday card. Here's the other one, the one for mum's neightbour, Sylvie. She was 91 on Saturday.

Here's one I made for my nephew, Alex. He'll be 10 on the 22nd but I'm safe posting it here as my family don't bother with my blogging!!

Meanwhile the strain is starting to show, I think. I had thought I was holding it together soooo well. Too well, maybe.

Mum has burst into tears twice in the last week, clinging on to me and crying. I find it amazingly difficult. It leaves me stunned, shocked. Mum never showed emotion. NEVER. And I don't mean just that she never hugged us or said she loved us, or congratulated us when we did things well. None of that happened. But I also mean she showed no emotion to movies, stories on the news, even the deaths of pets or the burial of my murdered cousin. NOTHING. ZERO. ZILTCH. And so now she is tiny, half the frame she was a few years ago, and she is clinging to my arm, which she has touched more in the last few months than in the rest of my entire life all rolled together, and she is WEEPING. Of COURSE I am being gentle. Of course I am looking after her. Of course I am being the kindest I can be. I just didn't realise what it was taking out of me.

On Tuesday I didn't make it to Art Therapy- 2 weeks in a row now, because I just didn't feel I could leave her. By the evening I think my body had started to rebel! A stye the size of a pea came up on my eye literally within a few minutes. I put my fingertip to my eyelid, expecting to feel a loose eyelash or something, and I felt the lump. By the time I'd got a mirror it had grown. We dashed to the pharmacy and got some anti-infection eye drops. By the time we got back I was feeling sick and dizzy, seeing stars.

We drove mum home early, about 8ish. I went straight to bed. Apart from Fluffy's loud mewling through the night and morning, I slept on and off till after midday Wednesday. Even after I was up I felt wobbly and the room was spinning.

I convinced mum to let me have a sleepy, lazy day on my own. We still rang each other a few times. Then Luvbug picked her up after work, about 5.30. I was still so tired. My eye is better though.

Today, I am tearful and shaky and I can't keep my mind on anything. I feel so low.

I had decided to join a new fitness class starting tonight at the school at the end of my road. But I didn't get home in time. And it just felt like, oh, why bother. There was I feeling positive, thinking I could meet new friends maybe, or get fit, lose a few pounds and -God forbid- have 90 minutes to myself a week.... but it just isn't to be, is it?

Luvbug lost his rag this morning over his computer. Man, you should have heard the swearing and cursing. It got me downstairs, and more to the point, it turned my stomach over and over. After the rows I grew up with at home, I just can't bear anyone shouting and getting angry. But bang bang, stomp stomp stomp, swearing and shouting at 40-odd decibels. Poor Scooter got a rude awakening and I found him creeping away from the living room.

Well that just left me shattered for the day, dazed and tumbled.

"Oh it was just the machine was playing up and I was late and blah blah blah...." and "You know I would never aim it at you..." so what???? So stir up a foul atmosphere, then smile and go to work and forget about it. SOME OF US CAN'T.

Sorry. Just want to quit, today.


Lynda (Granny K) said...

So sorry you are having a tough time Helena. I hope tomorrow is better. Sounds like you and Luvbug both need a hug.

Stardust said...

Helena dear,

I'm so sorry to hear that everything falls down on you at the same time. Sometimes, everything just goes wrong... but please don't let them crush you. Take deep breaths.

How's your eye? Please make sure that it's getting a proper treatment, I don't want to see you bodily burdened. It's obviously stress, and I'm strongly encouraging you to join the fitness class. Am hoping that it'll bring you wondrous results.

As for your partner, he's probably stressing out missing the quality time with you. So after all, it's because he 'missed' you. And he closed the scene by acting that way probably because he was feeling sorry, and came back to senses that he shouldn't have lost it in the first place. As for the missing 'sorry', I guess he's just as clueless as everyone as to how to clear the nasty air, especially if he's the farter himself.

Life is hard, it goes around to everyone. But hang on.

This is dedicated to you today, if you have the time..


Stardust said...

I forgot. Long tight hugs...

Feronia said...

Dear Helena, I'm truly so sorry to hear that things are so tough for you at the moment.

The stye is definitely telling you that you are maxi-stressed-out so take it as slowly as you can, do some slow breathing exercises, try (and I know this is incredibly hard) not to take everything on board - at least not all at once.

Try to go to the fitness class next week. And if you don't get there, try the week after. The same goes for art therapy. Don't let what you haven't done in the past colour the future - you can't change the past. Look to what you can do next time. I have to remind myself of this every single day when I am hit with 'I can't do it - it's just too hard'.

Sounds like Luvbug is mega-stressed too. Talk it through when you have a moment alone together. See how you can help one another get through it all. And like Lynda said, have a hug.

Thinking of you :)

Angel and Kirby said...

I am so sorry that it is all piling up on you. Seeing your Mothers personality change is very upsetting and draining. I hope you eye is better today and you try ti get to that exercise class.

Found art blog said...

Parp. So you've had a crap few days. It'll pass. Promise. Think about that suggestion I made for October.... even tea and cakes would work for me!!

Helena said...

Luvbug did say sorry, lots of times, though can't really uinderstand why rage not aimed at me should affect me so badly. I don't feel up to hugs at the moment, but yes, I guess we both need them.

Di said...

Hi honey

I've sent you an email - but having just read all these comments I think everyone here has said what I too have said. Sending you lots of hugs.


mrsnesbitt said...

I recognised the last comment - give me a call anytime during a long day alone hun xxx

Bodecea said...

Dear Helena,

hope you feel better now!
I know your situation, but - get your free time for a walk or a fitness course or whatever you need. Being active with your body helps so much, and when you feel better you could be stronger - also for your mum. You have to see it realistically - if you break down, you can't care for her anymore. You cannot be perfect. You don't have to be perfect. Try to be good enough - more is not necessary.


CherryPie said...

*hugs* in amongst all of this you need to find just a little time for you to help you cope.

RE: Lovebug and the machine and shouting and swearing at it, it's a man thing and I can quite sympathise with how that jangles your nerves. Mr C does it all the time, most especially when I am trying to relax or even worse when I have just managed to relax.

He says the same thing, its not personal. I know that is true, but it still doesn't help with my nerves during and after the episode!

So I sympathise with how you feel and give you some virtual *hugs* xx

freebird said...

The cards look great and it's good you are back making them. Think if you didn't - what else would seem positive right now?

Many times when people get problems with their brains their emotional states change. It sounds as if that is what is happening with your mom. You really should try to push yourself to going for that fitness class as exercise can lift your mood even if it's not a lot of fun to do. You need every weapon right now in keeping yourself up and able to deal with your mom. Also, the strain may be showing in your luvbug too. Situations like yours are hard on all involved. Take care. Give the cats a hug.