Nosedive

NIght wanderings...then nightmares,then wanderings, then nightmares, then rock bottom, can't control the tears but must; mustn't let mum see them. Sneak into garden, into loo, into magazine, cook onions. Anything to hide them.

Today, or was it yesterday first, yes, yesterday, awoke on sofa. Luvbug off to work. This morning; awoke on floor in front of fire with Scooter. I am still in MOnday's clothes. But as I can't seem to remember what day it is....

Excuses excused me from appoinments. I fed my dinner to the birds.

Angry today, angry angry, couldn't find something. WHy is everywhere in this house such a mess? Understair cupboard; why so many boxes? So much packaging? OUT OUT OUT.

Luvbug and mother arrive mid cardboard exile. I overhear him guide my mother through the storm.

I stop for cups of tea. And Lorazepam. My friend today. I forget how many I've had. And a pregabalin. What the hell. Luvbug leans over me and strokes my arm. I tell him, sorry,sorry Im not normal. Just as he is saying I'm fine and that he loves me, that word 'sorry' turns into a rabbit, I mean a real, live, rabbit, and it runs along his arm and I smile. It's tiny and long and slim. Grey. I've seen a few of them since.