Withdrawal, recovery, & fading in and out.

Sorry for absence. 

Strange times. Been coming off lorazepam, which had made me 'manic', or the up side zig zag of bipolar. 'Up' doesn't mean happy.

Don't remember much of last weekend or beginning of last week. Had to check camera, phone, etc. to recap what I'd said/done.

I was put on lorazepam August 2011. It's part anti-anxiety, part anti-psychotic, added to my usual antidepressant because that wasn't helping too much any more. Well this September the psych-doc I saw took me off it as I was so low she said, it couldn't be working any more. Instead she put me on one called busiperone. I felt this was helping, but it sent my heartbeat v high. A week 1/2 ago I rang my GP worried about it as my resting heartbeat was 125 (this was while lying on the sofa watching TV!). She said stop taking it, go back on Lorazepam, and as you're in such a state, go on 3 a day. 

Well I didn't go to 3 a day. 2 was enough to send me manic.
K says when we went for a woodland walk last Sunday I gathered coloured leaves and twigs for Scooter's grave- yes, I can see I've put them on his spot- so? Ah, he said, but do you remember why you were originally collecting twigs? ----- apparently I was looking for sharp twigs to cut my wrist secretly while walking through the woods, so that the 'blood would trickle down but no one would notice'. OMG I have no memory or this at all. 

Tons of other stuff I don't remember. He guarded it from mum. I am so lucky to have a partner so patient with my weirdness.

And so...... today will be 9 weeks since Scooter died. Yes, I still cry every day. 

I am hearing him less :( 

Calmer though. 

I think the storm has passed. Now I'm in 'after the storm'. Which is still ... well you know. 
 
Friend from school, Jo, and her daughter came up today and it was a good day. But still sometimes there are these moments when I feel myself almost fading away, or maybe it is everything else that fades. It's like I'm watching a movie, I'm not in it. Or when they do one of those camera shots where you are pulled right back from the action. 
Suddenly everything goes away, and I'm left sitting there, looking like I'm listening, smiling, but inside, I'm sitting on a stone in an empty clearing, miles from everyone, just their faint voices, faint noises of things around them. Then I'm pulled back into the room and try to carry on as though nothing happened. 

If I start to sink, I know that it'll be harder and harder to return from that rock. Know what I mean?

**** *** **** *** **** ***

Love, tea & cake,  
Helena

Bad news, good news...

... I have four bits of good news and two of bad.... which shall I do first?

Bad, I think is traditional... so I'll get these ones over with quickly!

BAD NEWS-

1. the other card shop in Colchester said no to my cards. Actually, I don't think they really looked at them, as they were still done up the same way as when I handed them in. SO unless they fold paper and tie ribbon EXACTLY the same wayI do, they didn't look. And that would be a mean feat, as even I can't tie a bow the same way twice :)
2. have only just found out that I shouldn't take Ibuprofen with Duloxetine (antidepressant). The mixture can interfere with your blood clotting. WOW thanks for telling me, doc! (She didn't, I had to read it somewhere.) Hmmm..... now, wasn't the doc who prescribed the Duloxetine the very same doc who precribed me Ibuprofen for joint pain??? Good job I can read!

OK.

GOOD NEWS-

1. when my partner was in Ireland he talked to his brother about my cards. His brother is a pharmacist (hmmm.....maybe I should quiz him on the above!) and knows the people in the next shop along.... an art shop! SO he passed my blog address on to them... now I've had an email asking for a couple of dozen cards for their shop. HURRAY!
   
2. I've set up the stall in the indoor Craft Market in town. I have cards, notelets (in photo) and notecards, handmade little notebooks, gift tags and needle-felted brooches. The woman who runs it rang me last night and said that she wanted to double the price on my notelets as she thought I had under-priced them terribly. She reckons she could get double. I told her to try for the weekend ;)
3. I made some little business cards for the stall and mentioned pet portraits on them- and immediately I have 2 commissions. One is for a picture of a border collie, and the other I don't even know what animal that one is for yet. They are willing to pay £35 per picture. (GULP!) And now I'm worried as it is so long since I drew an animal that wasn't cartoony and posing with holly or a Santa hat. Hey ho! I shall have to get practicing this weekend.
4. Last but not least- my Xray came back normal. I am still having trouble with my back but it has calmed down a lot. I suppose it is good news, yet I know that something isn't right and I'd rather have found out what it was. I know my mum's spondylolisthesis didn't come up on an Xray, only on an MRI. But I don't think I'll be able to push for one of those with a normal Xray. If the pain comes back as bad as it was, we're going to go to Emergency and lie- we're going to say I fell down the stairs or something! This way I'll get an Xray when it's at its worst, and not 5 weeks later!

Sorry for lack of posts. Didn't get to do this week's card challenges either! Been busy, and been starting to get sorted- craftwise and headwise, I hope.

An odd experience

Taken in Brockenhurst, the New Forest, April this year.

I've been doing "rapid cycling".
No, this doesn't mean I'm entering the Tour De France.
It means I had a seriously low low patch 2 weeks ago, which lasted about 5 days, then straight up into a height of energy and creativity, and now I'm levelling out....

I've never known such a fast turnaround. And I had got so low it surprised me- no matter how many years of it, you always forget what it feels like down there. Then the big burst of energy and creativity...

I'm going to record here what this was like, because I shall forget! Whenever someone mentions bi-polar, the impression is that, hey, if you're going to get depression, this is the type to get, cos at least you get the "up" side. Hmmm....


OK. It's easy to imagine the low part of the roller-coaster being bad. Everyone has off-days, so everyone can imagine bad ones. This time around I sank into a place where I had to cut my own forearm with my sharpest nails, so as to feel something. ANYTHING. Anything other than deadness and fog. It all seems perfectly logical from the inside at the time. When I realised what I was doing I showed my partner- not attention seeking- I showed him so that I'd stop. Self-harmers hide their wounds. I know that. So the first thing to do was to show him. Then I bit off the offending nails(!)

My head felt like it was in a brace, being pulled tighter and tighter. I couldn't handle anything. I just wanted to scream. The best thing was when I went to bed with only a low light and pulled the covers over me. Rest your head.... rest your head.... stay for hours, quiet, safe.

So that was the low. But how could an "Up" possibly be unenjoyable?


OK. When I was in my teens I had a (insert swearword here)boyfriend who was so tight, when he drove down hills he would turn off the engine to save fuel.
Imagine this on a grander scale. You are in a roller coaster, you are in the car at the front. The train has come off the rails and you are riding through the air at top speed with everyone screaming in your ears, faster faster faster.

If you relax you might enjoy the ride, but it's scary, isn't it? NO CONTROL. That's the point. On and on. Not knowing when it will stop.

You have 36 hours straight, no sleep, tons of energy. Then you might sleep for 4, maybe 5 hours, and then you're off again. You feel like a kid who wants to go and knock on everyone's door and shout "COME ON! COME OUT TO PLAY!". Your heartbeat is racing and you are ALWAYS aware of it. You can feel it. Even when you do try to sleep, because your body aches and you feel sick and dizzy, you can't- your heartbeat feels like a butterfly in your chest, and your head is full of ideas, tumbling over and over like multi-coloured socks in a tumble-dryer. All you can do is lie awake and watch them.

I got a lot done in my spurt of energy. But I'm glad to be levelling out again. Now I feel more like me.

The p-doc recommended a "mood stabilizer" drug. I refused lithium. But she suggested carbamazepine or sodium valproate.

Look them up! The main, most common side effects are weight gain, acne and nausea. Great! What is the point of giving someone with depression something that will make them a fat, spotty muldoon? Especially as I am already overweight and partial to the occasional spottiness.

So I've ruled them out. Till next time. Already the memory of it is fading. You can remember words and actions, even intentions and thoughts. But you can't accurately recall pain. Good thing too, really.