ABC Wednesday......

L is for LATE.....

and LYMINGTON

...and LOW.....

I was away last Wednesday.
My partner & I went off to the New Forest for a few days.
Hence the late posting for "L".

So here we go.....
...some cobblestones from Lymington, one of the places we visited...
....first looking uphill...
then pointing the camera straight down:

and some LOBSTER POTS from LYMINGTON HARBOUR

The harbour was cold but busy and refreshing....

But despite LONG walks through beautiful scenery,I began to sink LOWER
and LOWER.......till on Friday I was Lower than I have been in a very long time.

Regular observers of this blog will know a little about how Bi-polar disorder affects my life.
Friday was a Low day.

In Medieval times there was an instrument of torture called The Rack.
Your ankles were fixed at one end, your wrists at the other.
Wheels were turned and your wrists and ankles were pulled in opposite directions.
You were stretched, tendons torn, sinews breaking, limb from limb.

Imagine a rack in your head.
The inner workings of your head are fixed to it.
And stretched.
All at once your mental strings are plucked, punished and pulled.

In the end I was hitting my head with my hands.
Crying.
I wanted to bang my head against the wall.
My partner stopped me.

A few Little blue pills.
A Long sleep.

It's Sunday.

I'm surfacing.......

....back to Life....but for how Long?

*****

For more info ABC Wednesday posts, go to Mrs Nesbitt's blog

*****

Falling

Sometimes you scribble down a poem, and it feels just right.
Then you lose it. Forget about it. You don't find it for years, and then, when you do, you think, "What on earth was that about?" Laugh, with embarrassment. Then throw it away.

Other times, when you come back to it, you think how it still applies, and therefore, perhaps, how little things, or the world, or you have changed.

I scribbled this one down in 1994.
I'm quite frightened to have noticed lately, that the overall sentiment is once again true.
Also angry, as I had been well for a few months, dammit........
I'm still fighting.

********

Falling

The things that brought me joy last week
today are just a chore.
I've mislaid their fascination
and am too tired to seek.
And I know that I am falling.

The love I felt not long ago
has been left out too long;
like butter in a room too warm,
there's not much left to show.
And I know that I am falling.

The things I used to dream about
are nowhere in my memory,
I cannot call for help for them;
no energy to shout.
And I know that I am falling.

I know too well what lies ahead,
I know this sepid pool;
the heaviness of my emptiness
will pin me to my bed-
Oh God, I am falling......

Back!

Old archway squashed between modern buildings, Limerick, taken Tuesday afternoon, 23/10/07.

Well we got back from Ireland yesterday, and it was all fine.

Better than fine, actually, it was lovely.

Once there, I didn't suffer from nerves or butterflies or dread. On previous visits it has been so bad that I have counted the hours till we could set off back to the airport for home. I'm amazed by the difference this time.

It wasn't plain sailing all the way. I felt so panicked at the airport. I was in tears more than once. Had to take one of my blue pills.... I didn't want to go through check-in. I tried to find ways, in my mind, of getting home again from the airport, and telling my partner to go on without me. Maybe I could call my friend, the one in Enfield, and ask if she can meet me if I can get to her by Tube. Or maybe I could take the Tube to Liverpool Street station and a train home from there. It would take 3, maybe 4 hours, no- on a Sunday, after all, it would be more. But I'd be home. I'd be safe. I could get back into my bed and curl up, coccooned.

But I kept thinking of how awful I would feel about myself afterwards, in the days to follow.

Surely I should push against this, make myself do it..... I hadn't had the strength to do so before. I've never been able to join in. I loathe get-togethers, groups....

Seagulls by Limerick Castle.

I don't know why there was such a difference this time, once I was there. I felt completely comfortable, not scared or fazed by the people or situations at all. Didn't have to think twice about anything. Just went with the flow. Is that what it's like to be "normal"?

So maybe the only answer is that I am a little better, mental-health-wise, than in previous years.

Whether this is true or not, there is still some good news in this. I did it. Horray!

Result (hmmm....)

Got my mark from my tutor for that piece I put on here recently.

I got 82%, which is a "B". You need 85 for an "A".

OK, I know that 82 is a good mark, but I was quite pleased with that piece of writing, more than anything else I've handed in, so I was a wee bit disappointed. So, I wrote and asked him what would have made it an "A".

He said that there were similies and metaphors in it that he didn't get, and so it couldn't be an "A", as "A"s are only for stuff that is publishable. Huh?

Hmmm...... sort of knocked me down a tad.

OK I have a piece of prose, 2000 words, due in by 14th September, plus another 500 words written about it.

Then two pieces of 1250 words each due in by 5th October, along with another 700 words about them.

Nothing written so far.

Nothing in my head writing itself, as sometimes happens, either.

Oh bugger!!!

It's a distance course, but there is an online "forum" for other students. Not many take part. I'm not a part-taker, myself, not much. But I've had a browse over the last few days and see a lot of them talking about having lost their "Muse".

MUSE????

The only muse in my life are mews, and they are produced by my lovely two cats, who live with my mum now, cos she has a big garden and I don't, and I live by a busy road, and anyway, if I had them here, how would I be able to get down there to see her without a cat-sitter up here?

Sorry. It's a sore point.

THIS cheered me up though. Wasn't going to put it on here - not keen on long posts. But it made me laugh.

This is from an online test, to see if you're Bi-Polar:

1. Are you on medication?
2. Do you like blue cars?
3. When considering heights, does the thought of jumping / flying come into play?
4. Do you have bad credit?
5. When contemplating seeing a psychiatrist, do you consider yourself an experiment?
6. Do you shuffle your feet?
7. Do you like blue cars?
8. Do you think "they're" crazy?
9. When you think about being 'normal', do you get depressed?
10. Do you keep noticing things that others miss e.g., birds, daisies, bricks, blue cars?

Results:

0-2 Check your pulse!
3-4 Close, but no cigar
5-8 Yep, you're bi-polar
9-10 This isn't funny, get professional help immediately