Juggling life through a bi-polar lens. Sometimes up, sometimes down. Mostly trying to tread water in the middle. Creating a likeness to a normal life. Whatever "normal" is...

Wednesday, 19 May 2010

In case you thought I'd dropped off the earth....

This is the first time this year I've sat out in the garden alone. It's gorgeous; sunny and warm. I've brought out the table and chairs.

I'm not completely on my own though, as it's Scooter's 5th or 6th time out. Yep, after a month indoors I have finally allowed him his freedom. As far as the fence, that is. And he has a collar, for the first time in many years, "just in case" his curiosity gets the better of him. My reward for such generosity? A bright, perfectly formed wee mousie, delivered to my doorstep with a chortle. Well, um, gosh, thanks, Scoob. I love you too!

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Now I must insert belated thanks to my two friends Stardust and Bumblevee, who sent me lovely packages from far away, simply to say they were thinking of me. The contents were humbling in their generosity. I should have mentioned them before...... so sorry.....

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It's hard to get online. I have some lovely photo's to share. The wisteria is out and as beautiful as it promised to be, and I have also discovered a Japanese peony. Its flower is the size of my hand :)

But my days are still- up a lot at night trying to calm Fluffy's meowing- dozing in the morning to catch up with sleep- seeing mum in the afternoon, shopping, talking, trying to reassure etc.- cooking in the evening- taking mum home- then bed or an hour or so with the radio or tv, exhausted. When to blog? Or email, for that matter. Or anything else.

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I am feeding the hedgehogs still; 4 in our garden the other night. And I saw a fox across the road. And a squirrel on our fence, twice. And today, baby starlings are having their first tour of the world outside the nest with their parents. So life goes on all around. Nature is a great soother of nerves. Oh and the emergency blue pills (!). Took one last night. They do help.
Yesterday was bad. It is building up, you see. I should remember the effect that stress and tiredness have on the bi-polar doobry-watnot.... yesterday I kept crying, I felt such a dead-weight inside me. Mum says she's lonely. But I see her every day. If only my siblings would call, send her a postcard or something.

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Fluffy has joined us in the garden. Which means Scooter is going to try to show her that it's all his. Must go, before fur flies......

7 comments:

Dragonstar said...

Nature can be so calming. Exciting, too, in an uplifting way. Our garden keeps filling with noisy baby sparrows yelling for food, the flowers are opening, and we're as sure as we can be that Mrs Bluetit is sitting on her eggs in the nest box. Ooooh!

Angel and Kirby said...

I hope the stress level starts to go down. I know how trying it can get. Try to get outside and enjoy the fresh air and sunshine!

Julie said...

You did the right thing in enjoying being in the garden for a while. Can you get any outside help with your Mum? A day centre or anything? I think the crying is a warning for you so please be careful, maybe talk to your GP and see if there are some care options for your Mum. You can't look after her if you are sick. Sending you lots of love and a big hug {{{xxx}}}

Lynda (Granny K) said...

You are doing a fantastic job of caring for your mum (and the cats!), try and take care of you too.
Much love to you all. Lynda

Feronia said...

Lovely to see you online, Helena. You are doing a wonderful job caring for your Mum but don't forget to care for yourself too. Hugs! x

Stardust said...

I'm hoping you get more time with your garden and craftwork. You deserve best things after caring for so many out there, from mom, to flowers, furry ones, pricky ones. You have no idea what a wonderful care-giver you are. All of them blessed to have you.

I'm wishing that tears of joy do warm your heart someday. Meanwhile, forget your own needs not - lotsa tea. Hugs.

i beati said...

sweet busy ness!!love you sandy