Juggling life through a bi-polar lens. Sometimes up, sometimes down. Mostly trying to tread water in the middle. Creating a likeness to a normal life. Whatever "normal" is...

Saturday, 29 September 2007

OK, don't rub it in!

I've had a week of sleepness nights and groggy days, thanks to a heavy cold. To make things worse, I have to try to sleep sitting up when I have a cold, or at least propped up, so that it has minimal impact on my asthma. Hence, I've not had much sleep lately, as I just can't sleep like that!

So it's sort of rubbing my face in it, to turn over my cat-a-day calendar and find this cheeky wee fella!

Don't you wish you could sleep anywhere, anytime, anyhow? -Like Mr Ginger, here? LOL!

Saturday, 22 September 2007


Isn't he beautiful? But this is a youngster- the adults have red on their faces, covering the eye. Or to be more precise, the males have a red eye mask that covers the eyes completely, and the females' eye mask stops half way across the eye area. If you look closely at the last photo, you can just about see his dad on the right, towards the back. You can see the splodge of his red eye mark.
But anyway, my point is, this fella is lovely, but he'll get even more colourful as he gets older!

It took us ages to get goldfinches to the garden. They eat a tiny seed called nyger seed. It's so small you need to have special feeders so that it doesn't just spill out everywhere. The first feeder we bought, we ended up throwing away. No one came to it. And then, earwigs inhabited it. Yeauck!
In the spring, I heard the goldfinches' very distinctive call again, so bought a new feeder. I tried it in a few places, before they 'found' it here, in our hawthorn tree.

One day, I was standing at the kitchen window, finally deciding that yes, this window is filthy and could really do with a clean, when a goldfinch flew down and half hovered, half leaned on the window-pane, just up in the corner. I watched, amazed, as it pecked away at a cobweb. He fluttered to and fro doing this, several times. They use the cobweb material for binding together the moss in their nests!

It gave me a good reason to leave the window cleaning for a bit longer, and also made me think of spiders in a SLIGHTLY better light. (I'm still terrified of any bigger than an inch, though, and feed them to my Dyson.)

This wee fella confirms that these lovely birds have been breeding nearby. Horray!

One other thing, just look at all the berries on this tree! It is absolutely smothered in them. My mum says that this is a sign that a bad winter is to follow. I've heard that before. What I want to know is, how does the tree know this?

Friday, 21 September 2007

Strange Light

There's always a strange light in the evening here, this time of year. It only happens for a week or so. You get a sort of orange light. It lasts about half an hour, before it starts to grow dark.
I can't capture it with the camera. The last shot is out of focus, I know, but gives a bit of an idea of what it's like. In reality, the gravel, terracotta pots and the red hot pokers were all glowing with a sort of fluorescence that doesn't come out here.
Look at the red hot poke at the top there. Amazing colour. Yes, maybe that top photo is the closest after all.

Thursday, 13 September 2007

:^ )

Someone emailed this to me today. Cheered me up.

Tuesday, 11 September 2007

Bit difficult, this...but does it matter?

Another writing assignment due in this Friday, and I am utterly stumped.

Truth is, I've been very low for a week, now.

I resisted for a long time, but in the end I've had to start taking my "supplementary pills". These are little blue ones I take on top of the antidepressants for "times of especial anxiety or disturbance". Not sure what they mean by "disturbance". Perhaps for when my neighbours put their noisy "music" on (God, I'm showing my age).

The reason I resisted is that they dumb your head down a bit. Push your thoughts into a lower gear. So that they stop spiralling, spinning, merging, bubbling. They don't exactly help you write.

Hey ho.

Found this in my email this morning. It's from a newsletter that tells me I can "unsubscribe" at any time. That's decent of them, since I've never heard of them. Think I get what it says though. Wonder if it will be helpful.........

When something feels "difficult" or "hard," that is not a signal you should not proceed ... Instead of deciding a lack of ease is an indication of what you shouldn't do, next time you notice something feeling hard, stop. Tell yourself you don't know what this means. It may not mean anything more then you need to eat lunch or take a short break. Instead of interpretating, notice what "difficult" feels like as information at it's most basic level: perhaps you notice a sensation of heaviness or of sleepiness or even a vast rush of energy or an inability to sit still.

What if you simply noticed sensation without labeling anything--no feelings, no shoulds or shouldn'ts.

What if you stayed there, bringing your mind back to what you are experiencing without any filter.

What if?

Friday, 7 September 2007

Why thank you! [bleagh]

My sister lives in Australia. She emailed me today and said that her boyfriend had bought her the worst present ever. She wouldn't say any more. Apparently I have to call Mum to find out, as she's already been on the phone to her. She wouldn't go through again for me, it's that bad.

Well, that got me thinking, what was the worst present I ever got?
I'm afraid it was from my fiance. (Sorry, Luvbug, if you read this!)
It was when I first went on some new antidepressants and suffered one of the horrible side effects: a really, really dry mouth.
So he went to the pharmacist without telling me, and came home with "artificial saliva spray". Eugh!
But the bad bit is- he didn't just give it to me, he told me to close my eyes and open my mouth. Obviously reluctant (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) I was assured it was safe to do so and that it was "nothing nasty". So, thinking it would be CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I did so, and he squirted some of it in!
It was gross.
I know he meant well, "bless 'im", but even so.....
So...over to you- what was the worst present you ever received????

Wednesday, 5 September 2007

Rats! It's arrived!

My diet book's arrived.

I orderd it from Amazon about 10 days ago. Once I had done so, I decided that I could treat myself to anything I fancied until it arrived. Hence, I ticked the box for the cheapest, slowest delivery. HAHAHAHAHA. And now it's here.

Before you write in and say "ARE YOU MAD? I SAW THAT PHOTO OF YOU A FEW POSTS AGO AND YOU'RE HARDLY THE STAYPUFT MARSHMALLOW WOMAN!" no, I don't think I'm hugely fat. But I AM overweight.

I've been here before. In fact, I've been here plus another 14 pounds.

My "ideal weight", I'm told, is between 8 stone 4 and 9 stone 2. (112-126 pounds.) I'm now 136 pounds. I know that's not hugely obese or anything, but it's at this stage that I start to feel, well, round. It's also at this stage that my PCOS symptoms sneak back.

You don't want to know. You do? OK, just don't be eating. They include: spots like when I was 14; excess hair enough to keep a sheep shearer in overtime for several months; fatigue and sleepiness to the point where I forget whether I'm meant to be on breakfast or dinner; depression; dizziness and er................. sorry if you're a guy, but er...... period problems (eugh!).

I tried eating a "healthy" low fat and high fibre way a few years ago. I lost 2lb in 8 weeks, went spotty and achey and my period that month lasted for eleven days THAT'S ELEVEN DAYS. Stroof. So much for healthy eating.

So I switched to low carb/high protein. It worked. Symptoms cleared up in a month. So since then I've avoided sugar, rice and wheat. If I'd stuck to this, I'd be OK. But hey, they make chocolate for me, don't they? I mean Cadbury and me are like that. Last year they said that lots of Cadbury stuff had to be withdrawn because of a salmonella scare in the factory. I thought, "Whoah!!! Salmonella? But that's killed at high temperatures! -ship the chocolate to me: I'll melt it down and eat it with a spoon."

See? Chocolate. That's what did it.

I wonder how long I can last out. (THIS time)

Monday, 3 September 2007

Result (hmmm....)

Got my mark from my tutor for that piece I put on here recently.

I got 82%, which is a "B". You need 85 for an "A".

OK, I know that 82 is a good mark, but I was quite pleased with that piece of writing, more than anything else I've handed in, so I was a wee bit disappointed. So, I wrote and asked him what would have made it an "A".

He said that there were similies and metaphors in it that he didn't get, and so it couldn't be an "A", as "A"s are only for stuff that is publishable. Huh?

Hmmm...... sort of knocked me down a tad.

OK I have a piece of prose, 2000 words, due in by 14th September, plus another 500 words written about it.

Then two pieces of 1250 words each due in by 5th October, along with another 700 words about them.

Nothing written so far.

Nothing in my head writing itself, as sometimes happens, either.

Oh bugger!!!
It's a distance course, but there is an online "forum" for other students. Not many take part. I'm not a part-taker, myself, not much. But I've had a browse over the last few days and see a lot of them talking about having lost their "Muse".


The only muse in my life are mews, and they are produced by my lovely two cats, who live with my mum now, cos she has a big garden and I don't, and I live by a busy road, and anyway, if I had them here, how would I be able to get down there to see her without a cat-sitter up here?

Sorry. It's a sore point.
THIS cheered me up though. Wasn't going to put it on here - not keen on long posts. But it made me laugh.

This is from an online test, to see if you're Bi-Polar:
  1. Are you on medication?
  2. Do you like blue cars?
  3. When considering heights, does the thought of jumping / flying come into play?
  4. Do you have bad credit?
  5. When contemplating seeing a psychiatrist, do you consider yourself an experiment?
  6. Do you shuffle your feet?
  7. Do you like blue cars?
  8. Do you think "they're" crazy?
  9. When you think about being 'normal', do you get depressed?
  10. Do you keep noticing things that others miss e.g., birds, daisies, bricks, blue cars?


0-2 Check your pulse!
3-4 Close, but no cigar
5-8 Yep, you're bi-polar
9-10 This isn't funny, get professional help immediately