Juggling life through a bi-polar lens. Sometimes up, sometimes down. Mostly trying to tread water in the middle. Creating a likeness to a normal life. Whatever "normal" is...

Wednesday, 30 December 2009

Splitting in two

After a quiet Christmas with mum, we headed back home on Monday evening.

On Tuesday morning, I couldn't get her on the phone. So I rang her neighbour, Karen.

Karen found her dazed, with an enormous, bruised lump on her forehead. She couldn't remember how she got it. Still can't. She had similar symptoms to the mini-strokes; couldn't name people she should know, couldn't speak properly.... Luvbug and I swapped a few clean things into our still unpacked bags and headed back down to Kent....

We had planned to be home for just 3 days, then head back down for New Year. We're starting to feel tired out.

I didn't call an ambulance this time. I'm not sure if that was right, but my thinking was simply that, last time, all the hospital did was keep her overnight and keep her rested- which didn't exactly work as their noise kept her awake all night. I thought that so long as we got her in to see her doctor that same day, she would be as well off at home, resting, and not worrying about being in hospital again.

We did manage to get her to the doctor, who said that we'd probably done OK by her, but that if it happened again overnight to call an ambulance.

Once at the doc's I just caught a glimpse of a bruise on her tongue.... so I got the doctor to examine this. Good job it was spotted; he thinks she has had a seizure of some kind, and that maybe this caused her to fall or bump into something, hence the bruising on her head. He has upped her anti-seizure meds but they will take a week to take effect.

Today she is back to normal- no wrong words, so slurring. VERY fed up with having to up her meds.

We went shopping and took her for a drive. She is catching my cold, which is unfortunate as it is a rotten throaty one.

Luvbug returns to work next week and needs to do some preparation for the new job before he gets there. It seems then, that he'll be headed home by Saturday and I'm here for the long haul.

We are really worried that mum can't be left on her own now. She is getting upset too.

Mentally, it is starting to drain me. It's nearly two months now. I have renewed awe and respect and sympathy for full time, long term carers everywhere. How do they keep giving? My initial adrenaline-fuelled activity and brightness is being replaced by a strange inertia, a slowing down inside, a gasping for breath.

I was pleased yesterday when my elder brother actually came to visit. He has barely called to ask after her since the first attack- same can be said for my other two siblings. But whilst here I noticed he barely spoke to her really, talking across her instead.
When he did talk to her it was to talk about all his news, which she wasn't well enough to take on board, and not to ask about her, her worries, her plans, how was her Christmas, etc., or even just to sit quietly with her. I watched and felt, oh I don't know, annoyed? No, annoyed is too energetic. I was unsurprised and barely disappointed.

I want to be enthusiastic, happy, optimistic, able to love and help mum whilst not leaving Luvbug out. Instead I have been a wee bit snappy. The wrong time of the month arrived at the worst possible time, leaving me battling cold symptoms, stomach pain, sleep deprivation, impatience and worry all at the same time.

How do people do this? What if you have a child who's ill, a job to keep going to, your own stuff to worry about? How do you keep going without splitting yourself down the middle?

Tuesday, 22 December 2009

Made it!

We are back at mum's!

We put the journey off till yesterday because of road problems in Kent. We thought we wouldn't be able to get through. Then when we were ready to go, we found that the car battery was completely dead. D'oh!

Luvbug found a local guy online who came out within half an hour with a new one, installed it and got the car going- all for less money than a new battery from Halfords- and without us walking to Halfords in the snow and lugging it back. Brilliant!

We had a few hold-ups and diversions because of crashes on the road ahead of us. Good job we hadn't set out earlier after all or we may have been nearer the pile up!

Mum is sounding good.
We got the tree up and decorated it last night. Already there are lots of presents underneath (some from blogger friends- thank you so much!!)

We plan to do the food shopping late at night at the 24 hour supermarket. Hopefully not too many people will have the same idea and we will miss the crowds :)
Mum is all excited, bless her, as she has never been late night shopping before!

This mobile internet connection is really unreliable- sort of OK right now, impossible to connect last night- so I don't know if I'll be able to log on much. So I better say it here-

Hope you all have a lovely, peaceful Christmas, full of smiles and comfort. I hope you all make some good memories.
Love and hugs, tea and cake, everyone!!!!

Saturday, 19 December 2009

Ice, snow and doves....

My back garden.......
Erm, do you think I should have put the clothes line away???? :)
Oops! :)

Poor cold birds....but the collared doves have never looked cuter....
Ice...ice...ice....Ahhh blue sky, sunshine... but not warm enough to melt it!It started snowing Thursday, then through the night, again yesterday....

We had some more snow overnight and a little more this afternoon. Not much. But what's there already doesn't seem to be melting away at all! It was sunny today, big blue skies- and freeeeeezing cold!

We don't know when we will be able to get back to mum's. We think we should pack for staying over Christmas and go whenever we can- and presume there's a big chance of getting stuck!!!
Blankets, munchies, spade and blanket in the back of the car, I think!

Things aren't too bad here, but it's been heavier in Kent. At one point the roads to the Isle of Sheppey were closed. Now the motorway from Medway to London -about 30 odd miles- is one-lane only each way, the other lanes being completely ice and snow-bound. Eek!

I finished my Xmas shopping on Thursday, amid the first flurries. Everything wrapped up and bagged now. Luvbug did some shopping yesterday. I've had a hunt around but can't find my pressie :) I know he hasn't wrapped anything yet though!

If only the snow had waited a week, eh?

Wednesday, 16 December 2009

Cards are winging their way... slowly!

Grumpy woman in the post office today, when I presented lots of cards and packages for abroad, said,

"You DO KNOW that you've MISSED all the last postage dates, I take it?"
-like some dreadful headmistress!!!!

Good grief! What was the point of telling me that? I felt like saying, "OK don't worry then, I'll go home and trash the lot instead." ????????????
SHEEESH!!!!! I know she must be tired, but still! I'd been in the queue for 15 minutes and my back was starting up, but I still managed a smile so why couldn't she? She was sitting down and had a cup of tea next to her! Grrrrrrr..........

Anyway- so my cards and pressies are in the post.
If I have your address you'll most probably be getting one- unless I've lost it since last year or you moved! But it seems that if you're outside the UK you might not get yours till the new year. Oh well! It'll be a wee post-Xmas extra for you! Hope you like them- eventually!

Monday, 14 December 2009

I'm home!

Goodness! Last night was the first time I've slept in my own bed since 1st November! It felt very odd!

Today I am forgetting how to use the phone and the tv remote control, as they are different from the ones at mum's house :) d'oh!

Mum is ok..... I hope she stays ok.... we are ringing each other a few times a day and I got a spare key cut for her neighbour- and left mum with strict instructions DO NOT LEAVE THE KEY IN THE LOCK!!!! -this was why we had to get the police to force entry when she was ill the first time.

Luvbug and I will be heading back to mum's at the end of this week. Maybe Thursday, maybe the weekend. Not sure yet. See how she does. It's the first time she's been alone since all this started.

Please keep everything crossed for her.

Last night I was in tears and Luvbug just held me tight while I blubbed. It all had to come out some time I suppose. All that stress and worry, all backed up for weeks ;)

I feel a little disorientated today. Now what was it I used to do with my day?.....

So far I have napped by the fire with a cup of tea, watched some tv that recorded in my absence, eaten porridge (smothered in cinnamon yum!) and done some laundry. Oh! And opened 11 doors on our Advent calendar. -Luvbug forgot about it after 3 days! LOL!

Now I'm off to call mum..... see how SHE'S doing on her own! I wonder if she feels as lost as me!

Monday, 7 December 2009

Still plodding on.....

OK here's another one for the list.... a lorry swiped Luvbug's car on Saturday!

I'm not joking! All is ok; the bumper just did its job, basically! Huge rip and it's hanging on by one side. Lots of scratches and a hole. We're trying to remember what used to be in the hole. Haha.Maybe it was a little 'Fiat' badge or something. Have to sneak up on another Fiat Punto and find out what little circular thing they have on their bumper.

Meanwhile, mum is doing ok. I've nipped in to the library to log on for a wee while and she is up the shops. We're meeting up in a mo for tea and a mince pie in a cafe. I'm not really into mince pies but I'm trying to fatten her up a bit and she won't eat unless I do, so.... :)

I am getting almost unbelievably fat. No bike here so my new excercise regime has gone to pot and all the extra food. I usually have a snack of a breakfast and then a meal with Luvbug in the evening. But I'm trying to get mum into Breakfat, Lunch, Snack, Dinner routine ( as per her dietician, whom she'll be seeing this Friday) and as she won't eat unless I eat, and won't cook unless I cook.... it means I am eating more than ever! I am looking forward to the new year, to mum being fit and well and living nearer us, and also to getting myself fit, too!

Luvbug brought some of my craft stuff down at the weekend, and I bought some basics at a shop here, so I managed to make a few Christmas cards last night. It was nice and relaxing. I refrained from glitter though. Best not get it into the carpets with mum selling up an' all....!

Hope to be in a position to visit your blogs soon. Please bear with me! The laptop worked on the internet last time I was at mum's, but this time it just doesn't want to play, so I am limited to a little time in the library instead. Et voila. I am surrounded by noisy Polish guys in here. I remembered enough Polish to ask them to be quiet. They replied with something I suspect I'd rather not translate even if I could.... Grrr.........

Better be off now. Have a mother to seek out and find, and fill with tea and mince pies :)

Friday, 4 December 2009

Just a quickie update... in case you were wonderin'!


Well, did I speak too soon??? !!!!!!!

I was to be going home Sunday but mum had a set back, so I'm in Kent still. Another mini-stroke. Not as bad as the last time- thank goodness we were there, and that it didn't happen after we'd gone home. Only one night in hospital this time. Boy, were we scared. We just couldn't believe it...

They have tweaked her med's. As well as things to thin the blood a little to prevent clots, she is now on sodium valproate in case these are actually seizures- this is an anti-epilepsy drug. It's also used as a mood stabilizer- I have been offerred it in the past re my bi-polar- so I am hoping it will also help her apparent depression and the bad anxiety she seems to get from time to time.

She is low from time to time, especially over the number of med's she is on. I told her, don't be depressed about having to take all these- the time to be down is if you have to take all these but you also have to pay for them, and find you can't, and then you have to decide which ones to leave out...

Luvbug put an offer in on the bungalow the other day, and as far as I know it's been accepted.... good news... perhaps nbow she can see in her mind where she is moving to, she can relax a little??? She says she doesn't like to look forward to it in case it doesn't happen.

I'm in a library using their computer at the mo, and Luvbug is bringing the laptop down tomorrow so I'll be able to get online again.

I haven't been able to send any cards or presents out- all at home in Colchester!!! so, my friends, and especially those abroad, you'll probably get your card from me in the new year at this rate :)