Splitting in two

After a quiet Christmas with mum, we headed back home on Monday evening.

On Tuesday morning, I couldn't get her on the phone. So I rang her neighbour, Karen.

Karen found her dazed, with an enormous, bruised lump on her forehead. She couldn't remember how she got it. Still can't. She had similar symptoms to the mini-strokes; couldn't name people she should know, couldn't speak properly.... Luvbug and I swapped a few clean things into our still unpacked bags and headed back down to Kent....

We had planned to be home for just 3 days, then head back down for New Year. We're starting to feel tired out.

I didn't call an ambulance this time. I'm not sure if that was right, but my thinking was simply that, last time, all the hospital did was keep her overnight and keep her rested- which didn't exactly work as their noise kept her awake all night. I thought that so long as we got her in to see her doctor that same day, she would be as well off at home, resting, and not worrying about being in hospital again.

We did manage to get her to the doctor, who said that we'd probably done OK by her, but that if it happened again overnight to call an ambulance.

Once at the doc's I just caught a glimpse of a bruise on her tongue.... so I got the doctor to examine this. Good job it was spotted; he thinks she has had a seizure of some kind, and that maybe this caused her to fall or bump into something, hence the bruising on her head. He has upped her anti-seizure meds but they will take a week to take effect.

Today she is back to normal- no wrong words, so slurring. VERY fed up with having to up her meds.

We went shopping and took her for a drive. She is catching my cold, which is unfortunate as it is a rotten throaty one.

Luvbug returns to work next week and needs to do some preparation for the new job before he gets there. It seems then, that he'll be headed home by Saturday and I'm here for the long haul.

We are really worried that mum can't be left on her own now. She is getting upset too.

Mentally, it is starting to drain me. It's nearly two months now. I have renewed awe and respect and sympathy for full time, long term carers everywhere. How do they keep giving? My initial adrenaline-fuelled activity and brightness is being replaced by a strange inertia, a slowing down inside, a gasping for breath.

I was pleased yesterday when my elder brother actually came to visit. He has barely called to ask after her since the first attack- same can be said for my other two siblings. But whilst here I noticed he barely spoke to her really, talking across her instead.
When he did talk to her it was to talk about all his news, which she wasn't well enough to take on board, and not to ask about her, her worries, her plans, how was her Christmas, etc., or even just to sit quietly with her. I watched and felt, oh I don't know, annoyed? No, annoyed is too energetic. I was unsurprised and barely disappointed.

I want to be enthusiastic, happy, optimistic, able to love and help mum whilst not leaving Luvbug out. Instead I have been a wee bit snappy. The wrong time of the month arrived at the worst possible time, leaving me battling cold symptoms, stomach pain, sleep deprivation, impatience and worry all at the same time.

How do people do this? What if you have a child who's ill, a job to keep going to, your own stuff to worry about? How do you keep going without splitting yourself down the middle?