Juggling life through a bi-polar lens. Sometimes up, sometimes down. Mostly trying to tread water in the middle. Creating a likeness to a normal life. Whatever "normal" is...

Thursday, 23 December 2010

Not coping

Lots of stress signs: bursting into tears, sleeping heavily and intermittently with mad dreams, snapping at everybody, stomping about in a bad temper. Heart rate is high. Feel fat fat fat and miserable. Tumbling thoughts and HEARING THINGS. Want to switch off.

I just can't cope with mum any more. Little of what she says makes sense. Even when I am not with her she calls, calls, calls. She can't work the tv any more. She can't follow a diagram or written notes either, we tried that. She says she has been hallucinating for 4-5 weeks, seeing people who are not there, faint people with white outlines.

I have seen her every day since 5th March. There is no help; social services say that as she can go to the lavatory herself with no need of help, she doesn't get a carer, and I get no help. That's it. Oh, they did offer grab rails for the bath, which she already has, or meals-on-wheels at £3.50 a day for lunch, which she tried, and we cancelled after a few weeks because she called them "foul" and refused to eat them.

So that's it then.

I told my GP, in tears, that I wasn't coping. She told me, oh well, you'll have to put her into a home then.

I asked the neurologist 2 weeks ago, and she told me to ask the churches.

I am almost giving up. Except I can't, can I? Because who else is there? I think I shall end up going to the wall. I'll reach the point where I can no longer see that I can't, and I'll take every pill I can find, altogether, at once. And then the authorities and relatives who SHOULD help will HAVE to come and pick up the pieces, won't they? There doesn't seem to be any other way out of this relentless situation.

Hanging on by my fingernails for Luvbug and Scooter ;)

Thank you for all the support out there. Some of you have even given your phone numbers- I am very moved that you would do so as that very generous of you. I do have an emergency number to ring if I get to 'that' stage. I might be up ringing it in the middle of the night quite soon.

Sorry to post such misery near Christmas. Even our little tree gave up the ghost! We will try to return it to the shop tomorrow....

CARFTERING has been updated too, if you can bear it!!!


Angel and Kirby said...

Helena, you know that is not the way out. It might sound easy, but think of Lovebug! He would have to cope with that. I pray you are not seriously think along those lines. As hard as it is to face, sometimes a care facility is the best for all concerned.

Julie said...

Helena, I feel so frustrated for you and I know that I could soon be in a similar situation with my mum. As dark as it seems I agree you mustn't do anything to hurt yourself, Lovebug would be lost and it is not the answer. As hard as it is to think of a care home it is what you must do. You have done everything in your power and your Mum needs more than just you to look after all her needs. Go back to your doctor and tell him/her your Mum needs to be in respite care now to give you a break and give you time to sort something that will be better for you and her in the longer term. You cannot wait for your brother to maybe give you a day off. It will be hard but you have to do it and your Mum will be well cared for. Please think of yourself and Lovebug. xxxx

Di said...

Email from me in your inbox sweetheart! Di x

Feronia said...

Emailing you now, Helena x

Stardust said...

I wish I can say the wisest thing now, but I can't. But I hope the spirit of peace and wisdom will find you, and you'll know the answer to that bothering question. Am praying for you...

i beati said...

Life doesn't stop at holidays- Go way down and pull out faith - When its too rough talk to an imaginary angel- Someone who went ahead ad ask for strength and get away even if just little you breaks- do many things you love..

Helena said...

Don/t worry folks, I'm not making any actual plans, I;m just worried that at this rate I shall soon be at the place where I can't think logically about it. Been there before, see. I know I have to hang on for others. It's the hardest thing to do though.

Bodecea said...

Dear Helena,

you know I am in a similar situation as you, having a mother with dementia. When you come to your limits, please try to find more help. I dunno what is possible in GB, but in Germany you could give your relative in a care home for some weeks when you cannot go on any more and need a rest. If there is such a chance there, please use it!

After some weeks you will have your head free to think about how to go on. You don't do your mum a favour to care until you break down yourself.

We carers have to care in first way about US. Than about others.

I wish you to be strong enough to make difficult decisions!


You could write me if you like: Bodecea[at]gmx.de

CherryPie said...

I am sorry you are feeling down, this time of year is always stressful at the best of times without additional problem.

Sending you some *hugs* xxx