Juggling life through a bi-polar lens. Sometimes up, sometimes down. Mostly trying to tread water in the middle. Creating a likeness to a normal life. Whatever "normal" is...

Thursday, 25 October 2007


Old archway squashed between modern buildings, Limerick, taken Tuesday afternoon, 23/10/07.

Well we got back from Ireland yesterday, and it was all fine.

Better than fine, actually, it was lovely.

Once there, I didn't suffer from nerves or butterflies or dread. On previous visits it has been so bad that I have counted the hours till we could set off back to the airport for home. I'm amazed by the difference this time.

It wasn't plain sailing all the way. I felt so panicked at the airport. I was in tears more than once. Had to take one of my blue pills.... I didn't want to go through check-in. I tried to find ways, in my mind, of getting home again from the airport, and telling my partner to go on without me. Maybe I could call my friend, the one in Enfield, and ask if she can meet me if I can get to her by Tube. Or maybe I could take the Tube to Liverpool Street station and a train home from there. It would take 3, maybe 4 hours, no- on a Sunday, after all, it would be more. But I'd be home. I'd be safe. I could get back into my bed and curl up, coccooned.

But I kept thinking of how awful I would feel about myself afterwards, in the days to follow.

Surely I should push against this, make myself do it..... I hadn't had the strength to do so before. I've never been able to join in. I loathe get-togethers, groups....
Seagulls by Limerick Castle.

I don't know why there was such a difference this time, once I was there. I felt completely comfortable, not scared or fazed by the people or situations at all. Didn't have to think twice about anything. Just went with the flow. Is that what it's like to be "normal"?

So maybe the only answer is that I am a little better, mental-health-wise, than in previous years.

Whether this is true or not, there is still some good news in this. I did it. Horray!


Lynda (Granny K) said...

So glad for you that it went well, once you got the scaryport out of the way. I always get uptight at airports.

Chalkhills Collective said...

I'm so pleased you had such a good time. The reality is often so much better, easier and pleasant than the perception of how it’s going to be is.

Victorya said...

Congrats! Glad to hear it went well, and welcome back!

i beati said...

I will be ok too. I wrote to one man and he was very apologetic, and the other was of all things a family member who twisted my words to hurts someone ..All in a week when my pain threshold from cancer is very high.so be it.. everything happens for a reason. You bring me so much joy and i can't find my own bear can you imagine such a travesty !!!sandy

Rachelle said...

Hooray for you! :))

I feel just like that whenever I am faced with seeing any of my hubby's family. I just don't fit in, they are all perfect. Perfect bodies at over 40, perfect families- all athletes and honors- and loads of money all around.

I feel completely lost, and am likely to plead off going at all.

I am so happy for your good experience, you are getting better, and good for you pushing yourself! I know how hard that is.

Anonymous said...

Welcome back Helena.
No worse for the wear?
You managed well my dear.

Helena said...

thanks for the comments, everyone :^)

sorry for lack of response- bad asthma has meant I haven't been internetting as much this week.

Celebration of Life said...

Glad to see you back and am proud of you that you got out of your comfort zone and faced your fears. I can only imagine what you go through with these attacks and the courage to overcome them. Hang in there girl!