Juggling life through a bi-polar lens. Sometimes up, sometimes down. Mostly trying to tread water in the middle. Creating a likeness to a normal life. Whatever "normal" is...

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

Time does help, doesn't it?

It wasn't till late Monday that I started to feel a bit more relaxed, but I still haven't had a night's sleep. This is mainly because of guilt, and things going over and over, conversations going through my head. Then my head runs away with itself in imaginary conversations, doing the whole day how I'd have liked it to have been done. Before I know it two hours of these scenes have played across my mind.

Thank you for lovely support. It does make a huge difference.

*** *** ***

Years ago, 1999, I was bullied so much at my last paid job that I took two weeks' off work with depression. I never went back because facing going back just made it worse, and I had had 9 months of it. I knew going back would be harder. So I was signed off sick.

I made an official complaint about the bullying and they investigated it and said that it hadn't happened. I was given a copy of the report and was stunned by the 'witness statements'. Ihad not expected colleagues to stick up for me, but neither had I expected them to INVENT stories, things that hadn't happened, utter lies. I was so shocked. Naive, I suppose.

The only person who had planned to stick up for me had been retired early and so wasn't questioned.

I appealed and lost.

Why am I writing about this? Well, last weekend brought it all back.

What came back in vivid technicolour is the sense of loss of self- in other words I no longer knew if I was ok as a person- I asked myself, "Is this me, in these descriptions? Am I this terrible person? Am I one of those people who just can't see how awful they are?" It's a dizzying experience.

Well I have been back there.

Today less so. Time is smoothing down the edges of guilt's claws, and tempering my ancient, post-Catholic duty of 'self examination'.

*** *** ***

No answer to the email I sent after the events. But they went on holiday Tuesday, so I don't think they had time to read it, and even if they had checked their email before leaving, it was a very long one.

Luvbug and I sent them flowers, delivered Monday. We spent time to carefully word the card so that I was not grovelling and wallowing in saying sorry as I feel strongly that I was provoked. There was right and wrong on both sides I guess. But we said something like, please know I would not have wanted the evening to end that way. Then we wished them a happy new year and a safe and happy holiday (they went to Mexico).

A text came from my brother Monday afternoon saying thank you for the beautiful flowers; we'll straughten things out in the new year. A huge weight went off me then, I think because the ball is left in their court. There is no need for it to hang over us at Christmas.

I can't help but feel relieved though, that they are away for a fortnight and so will be 1000's of miles away at Christmas so I don't have to worry about that other, big, sometimes fraught day!

*** *** ***

My old school friend, Jo, came up on Monday and we toured the shops. Luvbug gave me generous funds for a girlie lunch. She cheered me up no end.

*** *** ***

Monday night and Tuesday I have had to take my level-outer pills as I have felt myself going *UP* too far and too rapidly.

In bi-polar there can be the misperception that when you have an up it is all great and enjoyable! But really it means talking too fast, thinking too fast, doing 10 things at once, can't sit still, and then eventually headaches and eye pain and if you're not careful, hallucinations.

So much as I would like to coast along on the wave (as I do sometimes just because the extra energy means I can so much more done!) I have taken my trifluoperazine like a good girl. Mind you, it is now 1 a.m. and I am not in bed. Oops!

*** *** ***

Up early tomorrow; to mum's by 8 as she has a washing machine delivery. Can they give a better ETA? No, just some time between 6 and 10. (6????????? Does anyone really THINK of washing machines at 6???)

Can't believe Christmas is so close. Hadn't realised that school, and therefore Luvbug's work days, comes to an end this Friday. Stroof!!! Where has the last 1/4 of this year gone???? Strange how the passing of time is sometimes helpful, and other times so fast it is scary.

*** *** ***

Hope you're not all under winter colds and bugs out there. The weather has definitely gone wintry at last.... Bob The Bear has received an amazing sleigh in the post, which he'll blog about later. Now he looks out the window for snow every day :)


Angel and Kirby said...

I am glad you sent the flowers and made the effort. Now you get to let this slide and work on getting yourself back in hand/ It sounds like you understand your highs and how to attempt to control them. Take care. You are an important friend!

mrsnesbitt said...

Great stuff - Christmas heightens everything so a storm brewing would have been unbearable. Enjoy your few days now the relief is lifting. Dxxx

Found art blog said...

Reminds me of a couple of things I said already these last few days. One, you may not get a response. Two, try and put away the sledgehammer!

Neither is easy to cope with/do.... but there's a ton of people on your side here!!!

Julie said...

I'm glad you're beginning to feel a bit better Helena, long may that continue. I hope you manage to get some rest soon too. Kick that guilt into touch! You don't need it.

Please tell Bob I'd be very grateful if he could wait till about February for the snow ;-)

CherryPie said...

Having been on the receiving end of a bully I know how that feels. It drained all my energy to keep going and not crumple. I can't even begin to imagine coping with bullying and depression at the same time...

It was very sweet of you to send flowers to heal the sores that you didn't make.

Now take time to look after yourself *big hugs*

Leenie said...

One day, or one moment, at a time. Whatever your days or nights bring your way, never ever forget that you're surrounded by people who care, either in person or here in cyberspace. Don't feel ashamed to ask for someone's help at the other end of your phone. I'm glad Jo helped cheer you up. That's the real kind of bolstering we can never get enough of.

Your Luvbug is walking mistletoe! He really is fantastic.

Make some new happy memories in the next few weeks, Helena.

Happy thoughts for you and yours,
Eileen x

Feronia said...

I'm so glad you're starting to pull out of it a bit, Helena. I know that querying of self so very well! My thoughts are with you as always. Hugs,
Em x

Jacqui said...

Glad that thiings will be sorted out. You made a nice gesture. As you say the ball is in their court. Families!

Hope you have a great Christmas. Try not to dwell on things.

At least our town has made a bit of effort with the lights this year.