Juggling life through a bi-polar lens. Sometimes up, sometimes down. Mostly trying to tread water in the middle. Creating a likeness to a normal life. Whatever "normal" is...

Saturday, 10 December 2011

The Worst Week

I've no idea why this last week has been my worst in a long long time.

I feel at best crabby, snappy, impatient and tearful, and at worst I feel like I'm having a breakdown: spinning thoughts, uncontrollable thoughts going places I don't want them to go, little sleep and what there is is filled with surreal dreams. It feels like my head is full of barbed wire. Cutting myself again the other day, a way to stop the traffic in my head.

Upped my back up pills from 2mg a day to 3 or 4, only to discover too late that the pharmacist gave me two weeks' worth instead of a month, so now I am down to 2 pills left... and my brother's wedding tomorrow.

I hate being in rooms full of people I don't know. I can't handle it. And the idea of being in a church again makes me feel physically sick. Tonight he told me the service will be about an hour-??? I asked if there were emergency exits down each side!

I don't want to go. My head is hellish. I am an inch away from a panic attack. And I STILL have to take care of mum. Today I was in town with her early again trying to get her something to wear for tomorrow. Finally she bought a black skirt, then fretted about the price for hours. Then I finished taking up the sleeves of her jacket...

Tried to approach the subject of me not going. Luvbug told me that if I can't face it, if it will push my head too far, to not worry as he will take mum and look after her there.

Well she is having none of it. I have to go to support my brother, you see. Like I always must. I must support my elder siblings, my younger brother... I am left asking myself, what about ME? When does what I need count? Stuff how bad I feel, I have to support my brother whose promise of inviting my mum up for a weekend each month to give us a break has amounted to three weekends in 21 months

Now I'm just rambling, I know. But there is no one to talk to. Even the emergency line at the therapy place I go to is engaged!

Bottom line- I am here to support my eldest brother, despite the abuse he put me through when I was little- I am also here to support my second eldest as he goes through his second wedding, even though I feel like I'm falling apart- I am to support my little brother, the one in Mexico, and glean info from him from his tiny emails for mum because she worries and he can't be arsed to call her or write to her- and according to mum, I am also here to cook Kevin's meals (the shock horror on her face when I give her a meal and there is nothing for Kevin because we will eat later. Where's Kevin's? or the time she was halfway to the kitchen and said -'Oh! I was going to make Kevin a cup of tea, but that's your job really isn't it?')

That's it, my role. Support everyone else around me and just accept that they either don't give a flying monkey's that I'm ill or-more likely- they simply don't believe that I am. Luvbug the exception to the rule of course, but to the others it is 'oh' get on with it'.

Will I go to the wedding? More than likely. After all, at 44 who am I to have a choice. This is why my head is full of barbed wire. It is being crushed, shrunk. I am screaming out for a break and no one can hear me.

Thank goodness for Scooter. My fur confidante. I feel I have no one in the world. I have lived here 8 years and made no friends. I am shrinking inside.

Can't believe how much i have cried this week. Or how fragile I've been.

Tried to explain to mum gentle why I might not go tomorrow. She said, I need to go to support my brother, and she is looking forward to standing next to me there.

Do you know, we didn't even get an invite? They gave one to mum and added 'plus Helena and Kevin'. Or  'plus carer and driver'.

It wouldn't be fair for Luvbug to take her on his own and face all those strangers. I know he means it when he offers, but it is too much to ask.

If I don't go no one will accept why. Since my first major depression at 13, and my first suicide attempt-induced coma at 14, well, it's all just for attention isn't it, is what they think. Mum even said it to me when I got out of hospital that time. How ironic that I'm the one left with her care now.

I have junk on tv, chocolate and my cat. I'll doze off eventually I guess....


Angel and Kirby said...

Helena, I hear your plea for help, support and love from your family. You give them every thing and they give you nothing. Thank heavens you have Lovebug! He is there for you. I know this is harsh, but when your Mom is gone, you can divorce your family! Take care of your self. I know cutting seems to quite the noise, but it is just another aspect of the trauma caused by depression and bad child hood

Blog Princess G said...

You`ve done a lot of good, that is obvious. You care about your mother and are there for her, despite the very real challenges you face.

Do not push yourself too far. Recognize when you have to take care of YOU, so that you will be there to continue taking care of your mum. Choose not to worry about what people will say or do. You`re 44 and fabulous, and that means you get to decide what you do. And, if you don`t feel you can handle the wedding, then don`t. Most weddings suck... yech! Give Bob a hug for me.

Di said...

Oh Helena - as Angel and Kirby wrote, this is a real cry for help, love and support. In all of this Luvbug is your rock - with Scooter providing furry purrs. The point about being able to divorce your family at some point was also a good one. We pick our friends but not our families remember.

44 and fabulous is such a lovely description of you - we all care and cry with you when the going is tough and rejoice when the news is good.

Probably you'll be on the way by now but if the wedding is going to be too much then don't go. Your wonderful hubby would cope - and who knows, he might punch a couple of noses in the process!

Love, Di xxxx

MISS PEACH ~(^.^)~ said...

typing with one hand, cat one arm style....wish no one was nagging, pressuring you and making you feel gui;ty....if i were you....i would keep my walkman plugged into my ears during the service and keep my eyes closed! heck you can even sing out loud that will really show them. i am so sorry you are so put upon by so many. you will be in my thoughts
love karla

Shrinky said...

Listen to Lovebug, let him do this for you, hon. Who CARES what the rest of your family thinks? They don't seem to care much about what you think. He will make sure your mum is fine, Helena you are NOT WELL, and you do not need all this added pressure, it's too much (hugs).

And for the record, in the past few years you have made LOTS of friends, all of whom care tons and tons about you. You know this is a cycle, and it will pass again in it's own good time, but for now, dearest Helena, whilst you are riding it through, no one should expect you to deal all these outside demands. I'm thinking of you and sending you as many warm, loving vibes I possibly can (((x))).

Found art blog said...

Mega hugs. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you get through it. Somebody mentioned divorcing the family...... that's actually quite a good idea. In fact, I wouldn't wait on that one, either. If I was you.
BTW, you made a friend here, you know that don't you?!?!

Helena said...

GOsh.Thank you for all your loving replies. I am sipping tea. I'll have a shower and see how I feel about the rest of the day.... ;)

Found art blog said...

I wonder - is there any alcohol abuse within your family? Parents or siblings?

Helena said...

(If I do go I'm taking Bob and Dilly, earphones for my phone's radio and a book)


Found art blog said...

YOu could always drop her off at the Church and then bugger off to a made up dental appointment or something...... someone else can take her home...!!

mrsnesbitt said...

Yes take Bob and Dilly and hug them - knowing we are all thinking about you at that very moment. You have my number - call me anytime xxxx

MorningAJ said...

This sounds so familiar. It wasn't until my mother died that I finally realised I'd wasted my whole life trying to make her like me. I know now that I never stood a chance. But I was 45 before I understood that.

It's hard - but don't waste another minute doing what they want. They will be on your case whatever you do - so do what YOU need. Take care. [[[HUG]]]

Blue said...

A huge hug from me. xxx

Julie said...

So many wise words from os many lovely friends here Helena :-) I agree with everything that's been said . If you do go definitely take the headphones and enjoy your own little bit of space with Dilly and Bob. None of your family deserve you. You are a very special lady and have so much love to give. Thank goodness for your lovely Luvbug.
Big hugs and lots of love xxxxx

Leenie said...

Oh, Helena, I don't have any wise words and no advice, but you are in my heart, my dear, and in my thoughts. All your friends here are hugging you and standing by your side invisibly. We all love you, but I know you can feel that from just a few to many, many miles away. Try to imagine all of us surrounding you and being with you every moment. We won't crowd out Luvbug :) But we're all there with you too. Much love, dear heart. x