Juggling life through a bi-polar lens. Sometimes up, sometimes down. Mostly trying to tread water in the middle. Creating a likeness to a normal life. Whatever "normal" is...

Thursday, 11 March 2010

Don't know what to say any more...

I showed Mum some photo's of the bungalow she' buying. She didn't remember anything about the house move, so we are planning to take her up to our place on Saturday for the day, and while there, arrange with the Estate Agent another viewing of the bungalow.

So anyway, I thought it would be best to show her some pic's of it, so that it wouldn't be a big shock on the day. I found some photo's of the place this evening and showed her them. "OH YES!!" she said, and seemed happy, as she admired the pictures of the bungalow's interior....

....and shortly after, she was a fit of worry, chewing her lip, clenching her hands.

SHIT SHIT SHIT

Shouldn't have shouldn't have shouldn't have.

Didn't think.

Bugger.

She had got past the worry and was looking forward to it.
Now we're back at square one- rambling worries like this:
don't know what to do for the best, don't know if I should do it, how do I move? Should I? What do you think? How do I move the furniture? Do I have to take the carpets with me? How do I move all this stuff? What about all the books? What if some of the papers they need are missing? What about the stuff in that cupboard? Nothing has been signed yet has it?

I KNOW these are natural worries that ANYONE would go through with a house move, let alone someone who hasn't moved address for 27 years. But I have had to answer these queries 20 times over BEFORE this latest seizure. Now the seizure has wiped all the answers again. So I have to be patient, and humouring, and quiet and gentle. Again. Again. Again.

Not sure I am up to it. I HAVE to be, dammit. I HAVE to be.

But I am crumbling inside.

Can anyone who hasn't been here possibly understand how exhausting it is, to answer and reassure over the same thing, over and over? And knowing it will just pop up again the next day, or a few days after, and then you'll have to do it again?

I have this laptop -thanks be to Luvbug for getting the mobile access sorted out!- and I have treated myself to a few craft magazines this week. But I cannot lose myself in these things for more than 5 or 10 minutes at a time because then another question pops up and I have to address it. Even if I already did. Just now, in fact.

I have emergency back-up pills for when I am getting stressed. I know when I need to take them because the extremes of the bi-polar thing start to kick in: hearing things, for example. Man, I've been thinking there were mice upstairs but last night, if that was mice, they were wearing hobnail boots...... but if I take one of the pills I'll be wooooozy. I won't be able to get up at 5 like yesterday or 6 like today..... and if I don't, and she has another seizure like last Friday morning's......

And then at the same time there is the guilt- I should be able to. When I was a child, how many times did I ask the same question?

But underneath it all, chewing away and getting bigger and bigger is the screaming fact that I have 3 siblings, and I'm doing this all without them.

NOT ONE CALL this week.

Then I find myself making excuses for one of them because he told me on Monday that he is seeing a P-doc. Ahhh poor thing, I thought. Yes, I must make allowances for that. He's in therapy.

WAIT A M....-?????????

SO AM I!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just had a phone call from Luvbug..... nice and calm now.... ish. Mum is watching tv with the sound off again. She is staring at a shark. I have just put a stew on to cook. In half an hour we'll make dumplings........sorry to go on and on..... you don't have to read it, I just need to get it out...

15 comments:

Dragonstar said...

No-one who isn't there can possibly understand what you're going through.
I do know that there is nothing - but nothing! - more exhausting than coping with the emotional stress caused by the emotional suffering of a loved one. Physical pain we can ease, but emotional pain is so different.
My thoughts are with you. Try to keep as calm as you can under such difficult conditions. HUGS!

Chrissy said...

I undertsand how you feel watching your Mum stress, my Mum has Alzheimers. Have I said that before? I am not sure. Everyone assumes that people who have Alzheimer's forget everything. They don't but they worry and agitate over and over. It is very distressing to those that care.
I always feel bad that I am the only one, I reckon my bruv would have coped so much better, he always knew the best things to say to my Mum and I feel so useless.
I read your comments and just realise we just have to do the best we can in the circumstances we are given.....I wish you some peace of mind XX

Lorianna said...

Helena, I have read your posts. Trying to take it all in... I just am at a loss. This is just, oh, I can't even put into words what I am feeling right now. I just hurt for you. I hurt for your Mum. I'm crying, thinking about her in that hospital languishing in her own pee if not for you. How completely awful and unfair all this is!
Of course you are at wit's end! Any one would be and don't you doubt it. If you need your meds then you take them sweetie. If she has another seizure it will happen regardless of whether you have taken your meds or not.
Shame on your brother! No excuses for him!
Oh how I hope your Mum is able to retain what you are telling her soon! You are doing your best and she's the luckiest mother ever to have you for a daughter.
I just want to shake the doctors and nurses! Why go into the health care field, if you don't really care? No matter how tired or burned out one is, the patient's well being always comes first.
I wish so much, that I could be there with you. (Stupid ocean!)
I'd make tea for you and your mum and feed the kitties for you.
Please know that I hold you in my thoughts. What a cruddy time it has been! Perhaps springtime will bring new beginnings and happier times? Isn't spring all about renewal?
You are loved.
Gentle hugs,
head bonks and purrs from my kitties,
your friend,
Lorianna

CherryPie said...

I know you are up to it. Sending you some *hugs* xx

Angel and Kirby said...

I have not walked a mile in your shoes but understand the stress. My father in law ask the same question ten times a day. He was confused when we tried to work on our laptops. Hopefully your Mom's memories will start filling in. Stop making excuses for your siblings. They are taking advantage of you!

Feronia said...

My heart goes out to you, Helena. You have a lot to deal with and you are doing a great job. Your Mum has a wonderful daughter in you. As a carer, though, you also need to care for yourself - particularly by getting adequate sleep. While I have had my back pain, my doctor has told me that sleep is the best way of dealing with stress. It's also good that you have so much wonderful support in Luvbug. And all of us, of course! From all corners of the world, thinking of you and sending you hugs and good vibes. xx

Roz said...

You're doing really well Helena coping with your mum and everything else.
I used to work with people with Altzheimers and I know how tiring it is even in just the few hours a day that I was with them...
Look after you too!!

Hugs.

Roz x

MISS PEACH ~(^.^)~ said...

Oh crap! Sorry, but I have been there, and here we go again just like in 2001 when my mother was sick!! Helena you must tell your sibs how you feel. You have nothing to lose right now because you are getting nothing from them anyway!!! Nothing from nothing at least equals your peace of mind for have cleared the air about this point!
This is dreafully hard for you right now, I know that. But you must press on...like you know you will...
Yes we were once full of the same over and over questions that our mothers so patiently answered over and over again...how did they do it....now we will find out. it is our work to be there for them now that they need us. Gosh listen to me write like my mother was still here with me...oh how I miss her.
You see...she got the news that she must move out of the rental she lived in for over 25 years on the same day the doctor called me and told me the cancer she has in her lungs is terminal!!!! We were faced with many things you are facing right now except that you have hope for your dear mum.
We had to dissolve my mother's household and store all her belongings while she moved into our new 35 foot travel trailer in our drive way. At first she was so afraid to be alone in it that I spent nights in there with her. Soon she began liking the freedom of not having to clean around her big house and keep a yard up...that is when we decided to get her Miss Peach to take care of instead. We all spent three precious month together...happy always but stressed out. Filled with hope that she would get better after her radiation treatment. She did...oh but then the cancer had spread to her brain and she began to forget things like how to write her name or basic math like keeping her check book up. it was heart breaking for all of us to watch her struggle. We tried to work puzzels together like we once used to each day....but it was too hard for her. I now treasure all the puzzels she worked and we glued up and Dennis made frames for. They hang in each room of the cozy cottage and my eyes look over each piece that she placed during her once happy and content life. Our lives are like a puzzel...full of tiny pieces that all have to be sorted out before we can make sense of the big picture. The important thing is not to give up and toss it all back into the box, because in the end it will be a beautiful rewarding experience...when your minds eye looks back over it someday. The most longed for statement that came from my mother one fine night as we were watching the sunset was, "I never knew that life could be so simple and good. Why did I worry so much?"
Tell your mum not to worry...all will be well.
Please know how loved and cared about you are dear Helena...and you Luvbug too!
Amy, Lorianna and I are beside you!
Love Karla

Bodecea said...

Hi Helena,

I send you as much power as you need now. my mother has Alzheimer and I live with her, so I know how it is to answer questions over and over again (or to look for things that has "vanished").

Well, I can say - you get used to it..

But try to get free time and force your family to help you!

Best
Bodecea

Julie said...

Helena, everyone has said everything I would have said. You must speak to your family and ask for help, you have nothing to lose and where are social Services and support from the GPs. Do see if you can get some help and support, you so need to look after yourself. I'm glad your lovley Luvbug is showing you he cares xx

i beati said...

do things that are natural therapy for you and things you love -push these other thoughts away with things you love - be strong my girl and somethimes that means doing for you..Myu cat is not getting well after tons of money . I am so frustrated also sandy

Dulcie said...

Hi Helena! I really feel for you..everyone has left you such lovely and eloquent messages, I don't think I can add to it except to give you big hugs!!! xxxx Stay strong and I know your mum will really appreciate you being there for her.

On a totally different point...to reply to your comment on my blog...I love both the Promarkers and the Copics...they're both great and I don't hesitate to recommend either one. There are differences..the Copics being more like a brush to apply, whereas the ProMarkers are definitely pen-like, and the Copics have a finer tip..plus some of the colours are really intense which is great (and yes you can get refills which works out well over time but you need to use them a lot to be worth it!). But having started off with the ProMarkers, I still feel so comfortable with them... plus some of the basic colours are so pretty, I haven't quite got the equivalent in the Copics..but maybe I just need to play more and my affection will even out over time.. Dulcie xx

Helena said...

THANKS again, everybody...

I feel very privileged to have your comments and your support and warm feelings....

Calamity Jane said...

Hi chuckie-egg, just read your comment on my comment, dont be sorry - truth be told it's all never far away, I am simply shocked that this goes on in other hospitals.

I think you're doing a sterling job but I wish your siblings would chip in to give you a break - do they live nearby? You know there is support for carers available don't you? You should make contact with the Social Services and they will assign a case-worker. I can't honestly say that they helped a lot in my case but to be fair I think that's because I didn't contact them soon enough. They can at least arrange respite care if you need it.

It's a difficult time for everyone when the parent/child balance shifts to the opposite way round but I would lay good money on a bet that you're Mum appreciates you being there.

Email me any time.

Helena said...

THANKS, CJ! ;)