Juggling life through a bi-polar lens. Sometimes up, sometimes down. Mostly trying to tread water in the middle. Creating a likeness to a normal life. Whatever "normal" is...

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

V low :(

I've been sinking for a while, but bobbing up and down really, so not hitting the bottom.

These last few days it's almost undescribable but I'll try for you:

  • it's like when your computer goes into 'safe mode', shutting down everything but the essentials...
  • it's like being an origami shape that is now closing down inwards...
  • it's like grief, heart wrenching, head spinning, grief;  intermittent periods of blankness despersed with seeringly sharp heartbreak and buckets of tears.

Saw the GP today. Sending me for bloodtests to test hormone levels and thyroid.
Then saw the art therapist, who told me to ring the team there, any time, whether he's there or not.

The pills don't work, not even the back up ones, so they've been increased.
I bought some brandy. But that doesn't work either.
Don't worry I only got a small bottle. I know it's not the answer. Just wanted a break from my head.


 1am here. Off to bed I suppose. Check on Scooter..... he is holding his own but not vrey animated, eating, a little. It's harder and harder to get the pills into him. A part of me has broken deep down and said, he is going.... he is fading away.... and I fought and fought that feeling and those words till I had no strength left, like it was my strength that kept him going, and now something deep down has let go...

Oh ignore me. I'm potty. I wish I could be normal.

11 comments:

Angel, Kirby and Mac said...

This is one of the lowest times you have had for a while! I wish I could be there to help you, some how.

Di said...

Oh Helena - I was still up and about at 1am too. Sorry I didn't see this until this morning although it's so hard to know what I could have said or done to help you honey. I think part of it is Scooter as you've already identified - another sadness in your heart. Sending big hugs, Di xx

Julie said...

Feeling for you Helena. Just know that I am thinking about you and sending you a big hug and my love. Look after yourself as best you can and remember what your art therapist said ♥xxx♥xxx♥

Found art blog said...

Big hugs.

Found art blog said...

If you feel you're not up to Sunday, text me anytime even if it's not UNTIL Sunday! If you still want to meet up, text anyway. Another big hug.

CherryPie said...

Sending you some *big hugs* xx

Jensters said...

Wow ive hit some of them big time.....i so hope you come out of it feeling some what better (((hugs)))

Stardust said...

I'm so sorry everytime I hear that you're feeling low.. Wishing that the blues go away soon and you'll find a purpose in everyday. keep blogging to let it out.

Sorry again for not being able to drop by as often as I want. There's never a moment I'm forgetting friends though. By the way, are you on Facebook? It's quite a way to interact and keep in touch. I've looked up for you, but I guess you aren't in yet.

Stardust said...

There's just too many of you, Helena! Let me know if we can be 'friends'.

Feronia said...

Dear Helena, I'm so sorry to read that you are feeling so low. I wish I lived closer to you and could be of more immediate support. Just know that I am thinking about you and sending you warm vibes from the other side of the world. Have you had your vitamin D levels checked? Mine were quite low and I am now on a supplement which I think has helped. Yes, are you on Facebook? I'd love to 'friend' you :) xx

Leenie said...

I've been in that spiral many times. Sometimes it isn't 'one day at a time', it's one moment. I hope the tests and new meds will help to sort things out. We don't 'know' each other, Helena, but if cyberthoughts and cyberhugs mean anything, mine are for you and yours. Eileen in the US.