Juggling life through a bi-polar lens. Sometimes up, sometimes down. Mostly trying to tread water in the middle. Creating a likeness to a normal life. Whatever "normal" is...

Wednesday, 8 June 2011

Nosedive

NIght wanderings...then nightmares,then wanderings, then nightmares, then rock bottom, can't control the tears but must; mustn't let mum see them. Sneak into garden, into loo, into magazine, cook onions. Anything to hide them.


Today, or was it yesterday first, yes, yesterday, awoke on sofa. Luvbug off to work. This morning; awoke on floor in front of fire with Scooter. I am still in MOnday's clothes. But as I can't seem to remember what day it is....

Excuses excused me from appoinments. I fed my dinner to the birds.
Angry today, angry angry, couldn't find something. WHy is everywhere in this house such a mess? Understair cupboard; why so many boxes? So much packaging? OUT OUT OUT.

Luvbug and mother arrive mid cardboard exile. I overhear him guide my mother through the storm.

I stop for cups of tea. And Lorazepam. My friend today. I forget how many I've had. And a pregabalin. What the hell. Luvbug leans over me and strokes my arm. I tell him, sorry,sorry Im not normal. Just as he is saying I'm fine and that he loves me, that word 'sorry' turns into a rabbit, I mean a real, live, rabbit, and it runs along his arm and I smile. It's tiny and long and slim. Grey. I've seen a few of them since.

10 comments:

CherryPie said...

*hugs* xx

Angel and Kirby said...

You are a very special person. I am sending you hugs, too!

i beati said...

gasp no warning huh??You are so brave always remember that - do foods help control dark episodes or not?

freebird said...

Uh-oh. Hold on. It always gets better again.

Stardust said...

Helena dear, sorry about not coming by earlier. Sad to hear it's all grey there, but honey I'm praying for a rainbow that extends to you. Please hang on there.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You've given your best, the rest will be being kind to yourself. Hugs..

Found art blog said...

Big hugs. And another one from Beanie.

Julie said...

Hang on Helena. I'm sending you much love. Please get some help if you can and as Stardust said, be kind to yourself. xxxx

Roz said...

BIG BIG hugs to you my friend... xxxx

Di said...

Oh Helena, try to hang on honey - as others have said it will get lighter again but my heart and loads of hugs are with you chick! Di xxx

Helena said...

)))))thank you all (((((