Withdrawal, recovery, & fading in and out.

Sorry for absence. 

Strange times. Been coming off lorazepam, which had made me 'manic', or the up side zig zag of bipolar. 'Up' doesn't mean happy.

Don't remember much of last weekend or beginning of last week. Had to check camera, phone, etc. to recap what I'd said/done.

I was put on lorazepam August 2011. It's part anti-anxiety, part anti-psychotic, added to my usual antidepressant because that wasn't helping too much any more. Well this September the psych-doc I saw took me off it as I was so low she said, it couldn't be working any more. Instead she put me on one called busiperone. I felt this was helping, but it sent my heartbeat v high. A week 1/2 ago I rang my GP worried about it as my resting heartbeat was 125 (this was while lying on the sofa watching TV!). She said stop taking it, go back on Lorazepam, and as you're in such a state, go on 3 a day. 

Well I didn't go to 3 a day. 2 was enough to send me manic.
K says when we went for a woodland walk last Sunday I gathered coloured leaves and twigs for Scooter's grave- yes, I can see I've put them on his spot- so? Ah, he said, but do you remember why you were originally collecting twigs? ----- apparently I was looking for sharp twigs to cut my wrist secretly while walking through the woods, so that the 'blood would trickle down but no one would notice'. OMG I have no memory or this at all. 

Tons of other stuff I don't remember. He guarded it from mum. I am so lucky to have a partner so patient with my weirdness.

And so...... today will be 9 weeks since Scooter died. Yes, I still cry every day. 

I am hearing him less :( 

Calmer though. 

I think the storm has passed. Now I'm in 'after the storm'. Which is still ... well you know. 
 
Friend from school, Jo, and her daughter came up today and it was a good day. But still sometimes there are these moments when I feel myself almost fading away, or maybe it is everything else that fades. It's like I'm watching a movie, I'm not in it. Or when they do one of those camera shots where you are pulled right back from the action. 
Suddenly everything goes away, and I'm left sitting there, looking like I'm listening, smiling, but inside, I'm sitting on a stone in an empty clearing, miles from everyone, just their faint voices, faint noises of things around them. Then I'm pulled back into the room and try to carry on as though nothing happened. 

If I start to sink, I know that it'll be harder and harder to return from that rock. Know what I mean?

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Love, tea & cake,  
Helena