Juggling life through a bi-polar lens. Sometimes up, sometimes down. Mostly trying to tread water in the middle. Creating a likeness to a normal life. Whatever "normal" is...

Monday, 19 November 2012

Withdrawal, recovery, & fading in and out.

Sorry for absence. 

Strange times. Been coming off lorazepam, which had made me 'manic', or the up side zig zag of bipolar. 'Up' doesn't mean happy.

Don't remember much of last weekend or beginning of last week. Had to check camera, phone, etc. to recap what I'd said/done.

I was put on lorazepam August 2011. It's part anti-anxiety, part anti-psychotic, added to my usual antidepressant because that wasn't helping too much any more. Well this September the psych-doc I saw took me off it as I was so low she said, it couldn't be working any more. Instead she put me on one called busiperone. I felt this was helping, but it sent my heartbeat v high. A week 1/2 ago I rang my GP worried about it as my resting heartbeat was 125 (this was while lying on the sofa watching TV!). She said stop taking it, go back on Lorazepam, and as you're in such a state, go on 3 a day. 

Well I didn't go to 3 a day. 2 was enough to send me manic.
K says when we went for a woodland walk last Sunday I gathered coloured leaves and twigs for Scooter's grave- yes, I can see I've put them on his spot- so? Ah, he said, but do you remember why you were originally collecting twigs? ----- apparently I was looking for sharp twigs to cut my wrist secretly while walking through the woods, so that the 'blood would trickle down but no one would notice'. OMG I have no memory or this at all. 

Tons of other stuff I don't remember. He guarded it from mum. I am so lucky to have a partner so patient with my weirdness.

And so...... today will be 9 weeks since Scooter died. Yes, I still cry every day. 

I am hearing him less :( 

Calmer though. 

I think the storm has passed. Now I'm in 'after the storm'. Which is still ... well you know. 
 
Friend from school, Jo, and her daughter came up today and it was a good day. But still sometimes there are these moments when I feel myself almost fading away, or maybe it is everything else that fades. It's like I'm watching a movie, I'm not in it. Or when they do one of those camera shots where you are pulled right back from the action. 
Suddenly everything goes away, and I'm left sitting there, looking like I'm listening, smiling, but inside, I'm sitting on a stone in an empty clearing, miles from everyone, just their faint voices, faint noises of things around them. Then I'm pulled back into the room and try to carry on as though nothing happened. 

If I start to sink, I know that it'll be harder and harder to return from that rock. Know what I mean?

**** *** **** *** **** ***
Love, tea & cake,  
Helena

12 comments:

MorningAJ said...

It's hard to know what to say that will help when you're at that stage. I've been that low, more than once, and I wish I knew what got me back on the road upwards, because next time it happens I'd be able to sort it faster.

If only there was a one-size-fits-all answer.

Know that there are people out in cyberspace who care, and understand. We're here. Even when you doubt it.

Helena said...

Oh I don't doubt it, AJ, I just sometimes think they must be tired of my whingeing etc and then sometimes think they'd be better off without me.

Feronia said...

Lovely to see you in blogland again, Helena :)

Di said...

Oh Helena - it's a long haul chick. No bandage so often means no understanding or comprehension. Thankfully Kevin is there for you.

Of course people wouldn't be better off without you - and don't you ever, ever, ever think that. I know first-hand the devastation that remains forever, so my friend.....NO!!!!

Are you crafting at all? Even some painting - or is that too much at the moment?

Sending you lots of love and hugs, Di xx

Found art blog said...

I don't mind your "whinging" at all. I'd rather have that than not have you around at all!!!! Keep doing it!!!

MorningAJ said...

Repeat after me.... My readers in blog land would NOT be better off without me... My readers in blog land would NOT be better off without me... My readers in blog land would NOT be better off without me... My readers in blog land would NOT be better off without me... (Repeat)

Angel and Kirby said...

We would miss you ans your beautiful heart. You are loved

ABBY said...

I was just thinking of you so I was so delighted to see your post in my Reader. I feared you were still having a very hard go of it, and I'm sorry to learn that you are. There is no simple answer, but I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

xoxoxo

Hammie Hamster said...

Just write this to say:
You are special!
You make cats and bears and crocodwagons very happy!
And the friends of the cats and bears and crocodwagons!
And the ones they live with!
And if I see a smile on the faces of people that G. Tells about our friendship, you kind of make them happy too!
It's like throwing a rock in a pool, the circle keeps getting bigger and bigger!
Don't forget that please!

Very big hamster and G. HUG!

Lynda (Granny K) said...

Thank you for telling us how you are. You are often in my thoughts and I certainly do care. I hope the meds are sorted out soon and you feel better again. I guess it will take time though for your system to adjust. Be kind to yourself and Luvbug. xx

Asta said...

Helena
I so understand your pain, I've been in those horrible sad places.hang on sweet girl, it can get better. Mourn Scooter all you need to, don't need to feel bad about your feelings ever.loss is painful and takes ages to heal, different for each person.
thank you for my birthday wishes..it is today..I'm getting ancient..but I am so grateful for the love I get from friends..
so sorry that you can't come to visit, but maybe next year, we'll see you..
in the meantime, I send you soft hugs and love
Ami

Calamity Jane said...

Hello darling, I've just been catching up and I'm so sorry to read about Scooter. What a loved pusscat he was, so lucky to have you to care for him. I'm wishing you strength and please know that I'm thinking of you and often do xx