Juggling life through a bi-polar lens. Sometimes up, sometimes down. Mostly trying to tread water in the middle. Creating a likeness to a normal life. Whatever "normal" is...

Tuesday, 5 October 2010

Still here.

I've been avoiding blogging because I've been feeling so low and don't like doing negative posts. Then I thought, hmmm, better say SOMETHING or people might worry I'd fallen off the side of the earth of something. No, still here. Hanging on. Just. But mostly because of a sense that I have to.

After rallying for a while, my mum seems to be slipping a wee bit.

Today we were having cups of tea in a cafe. She saw a man using his mobile phone and she started acting very strangely. When I asked what was wrong, she became very secretive, looking all around, then whispering to me that this man was using his phone. Then she tutted loudly and shook her head. She told me she hoped the police weren't around- that's who she had been looking for- because it isn't allowed. "WHAT isn't allowed? Using his phone?"- I couldn't believe it.
"Well, they say it isn't allowed."
"Who says?"
"They say."
"Um, no, it's OK. It's only not allowed if you're driving."
"Hmm." she wasn't convinced and kept looking at him.
I repeated myself, "It's only illegal if you're driving, mum."
There was no smile, or "Oh! Of Course!", no realisation came, which it usually does, when she gets something wrong. I don't think she was at all convinced. Yet I have a mobile phone, which she rings, and she has one too, although she can't use it any more, she still gets it out sometimes and looks at it, and tells us we'll have to teach her how to use it (which we do, countless times). So why this sudden suspicion of mobile phones?

We dropped her off this evening and she keeps ringing about strange worries. I don't want to tempt fate, but I have a feeling that there might be something big and nasty up ahead.

Still no word on those medications that could help slow things down, and no appointment in sight. I have written to the neurologist myself today, to try to speed things up.


Things are slowly moving towards autumn all around us. The nights are drawing in. My personal worry is simply this; that if I am feeling low and tearful already, how will it be when the days are all dark and cold?

Trying to do things one day at a time here. One day at a time. Not much gets done, though, not when you have to be with someone else most of the day. The house is a wreck, which really doesn't help my head at all, but I just don't have the time and energy to keep on top of it all. I need a helper and despite all the feelers I put out months ago, there just aren't any.


Angel and Kirby said...

Helena, I know it is hard, but you have to learn to laugh at these things! It is amazing how much it helps/ Yes, it is sad and disturbing that your Mother gets these strange ideas, but no amount of explanations will change her thoughts.

Feronia said...

It must be hard for you to witness your Mum having these sorts of problems, Helena. My heart goes out to you.

Do blog, though. I think I can speak for all of us when I say, we love to hear from you whatever may be going on in your life.

Having just got through a (comparatively mild) winter here but one with lots of grey skies and rain, I can only suggest you try to keep things around you that you love, something that you enjoy doing, that gives you a bright spot in the day - even if it's only for half an hour.

Take care :)

Lynda (Granny K) said...

I really feel for you Helena, having gone through similar with my dad, many years ago. I think you are doing great, actually. x

Stardust said...

Sadly, hallucination is a part of your mom's illness, also the reason behind her insecurity. To cope with that, try not to 'expect' that she is capable of reasoning like us, because she is seeing different things in her world now. Stuff will get harder if you lose her trust by constantly disagreeing with her. Instead of correcting her technically, bring up the facts by demonstrating them yourself. For instance, you can try pick up the phone and make a fake call at that moment to show her that it's alright to do so.

I watched a documentary how a daughter coped with her mother's insecurities. When she understood that her mom isn't going to get better, she actually 'played along' by agreeing with her mom's world. That way, her mom wouldn't agonise over what's real what's not. The mom managed to calm down sooner than before, and trusted the daughter more because only she 'believed' in her.

Things must be very hard, all I can say is I'm in all respect of you. And hoping that days will be kind.

Stardust said...

P/S: We're watching you through winter. You're not alone. Hugs.

Di said...


I saw something on Breakfast TV this morning and thought about you right away. NICE are looking into extending the use of some drugs sooner than expected. Am not sure if this link is of any use to you but thought I'd post it anyhow. http://www.nice.org.uk/newsroom/pressreleases/NICEDraftGuidanceOnAlzheimersDrugs.jsp

Keep your chin up honey, It's a hard trek and we're all very conscious of how hard it is for you. As Feronia says, try for one bright spot in the day.

Love, Di x

Rose Lefebvre said...

My husband has frontal lobe dementia (he is only 54) and I know how it is. He gets a bit "odd" at times. He has been convinced that the pharmachist and I are trying to poison him, has placed his shoes in the refrigerator, has forgotten where the bathroom is...and then there are days that he seems normal and okay. It comes and goes. You just have to use the incidents to smile.

freebird said...

At times, just hanging in there is all a person can do and if you are managing that then you are doing okay. Think of the bright things that the dark days bring like snowflakes and icicles, a slowing down time to get ready for the beauty of spring. Take it one day at a time and take some time for yourself even if its just an hour here or there.

mrsnesbitt said...

helena - I am always about hun! i too have days off blogging but you have my number hun! My thoughts are always with you & yours hun.