Juggling life through a bi-polar lens. Sometimes up, sometimes down. Mostly trying to tread water in the middle. Creating a likeness to a normal life. Whatever "normal" is...

Wednesday, 20 October 2010

The trick is, to do little things, little and regularly.

-It's true.

My days lately seem full, wall to wall. No time for anything. I am either looking after mum or chasing up people whose job it is to help me look after her (and getting nowhere). But I have been leaving my craft stuff out by my chair and some evenings I manage to do a little. Leaving it to hand helps. I have craft magazines next to the bed, too. I find I can't read my history books any more, and novels are hopeless.

Luvbug has bought me a tiny sewing machine, as I have notions of making wee little fancy notebooks, perhaps as gifts for people. I have yet to make any start, as I can't thread or use the dam' thing!!! But I have bookmarked a video on You Tube that shows how :)

Isn't it dinky? Well, you know that Bob is an 8inch Bear, so judge for yourself!


Another lovely arrival in the post recently was these stamps from the now closed Elzybells. They were a quarter their original price..... oh look, that Bear's got in the photo again, with the other Xmas stamps I've dug out...

I've made a few gift tags. In the hopes that I may be able to buy pressies early this year as in others, I will need these to wrap them up, won't I?

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If you're wondering why I've put a countdown to my birthday at the top of my blog, it's because I've been on a diet for weeks and so I want to know how long I have wait for a bit of cake.

Not much in the way of results so far. I lost 7lb then put 3 back on. D0n't know how, as I have been very strict.

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Most of the time mum is ok till about 1pm, albeit with lots of phone calls to and from me. Then she will be with me till about 9pm, me staying at her place till early evening, then she comes to our place for dinner......

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Jobs around the house are too numerous to even bother putting on a to-do list. I manage to keep on top of the laundry and cook a meal each night but that's about it. Everywhere needs vacuuming and dusting and tidying. Easy to say, oh let it go, but I am worried about it all, as there is no way of knowing when mum will have to move in with us. When will her next attack come? When will she have to move in?

Meanwhile the house is falling apart around my ears, looking more and more like a student squat and adding to my depression. But I just don't have the time or the energy......

This week I have taken more hours out of the time I spend on the home, as I have finally begun driving lessons. I had my first on Monday morning. My second is this Friday. The instructor said I'm doing OK.

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Lately I have been in tears and literally on the floor as I have been so stressed out and tired by the relentless ongoing-ness of this carer role I suddenly have. Typing it here makes me feel stupid. Some people do it all and have kids to take care of, too, so what am I moaning about?

I am thinking about doing an 'invited readers only' blog for the caring part of my life, to keep it a little private, and also to free up this blog for the lighter side of things!!!! You'd be welcome to ask for the way in, just email me. I'll let you know when it's up and running.....

8 comments:

Feronia said...

I think little things done regularly is key, Helena. I have found that to be true for myself, anyway. I understand completely what you mean about keeping on top of the housework. I know that when our house is messy and out of control, I don't feel in control. Or, at least, it just adds to the stress and disorder that may already be in my head. Could you get a cleaner to come in once a week or a fortnight? Why not, if it eases things a bit for you?

Well done on getting started on your driving lessons! It is a good feeling to just be able to get in the car and go when you want to go to the shops or whatever. I completely understand about your sewing machine. I have been sewing more than usual lately but I am having so much trouble re-threading the @%$# thing!

I would love to join your new blog.

Take care,
Feronia x

Angel and Kirby said...

It is good that you are trying to find time for yourself through crafts. That is a very cute sewing machine.

I would like to be invited to your new blog

Stardust said...

Thank you for the update, and I'm really very impressed by how you're doing - caring for mom, healthy weight-loss, and driving! WOW! As for dust, don't think too much about it. Dust happens in every household. Just give your best!

That sewing machine is something I dream about. Unfortunately, I'm incapable of using one. Sighs.

Everyone who goes thru a difficult patch grouses a lil, it's perfectly fine, so dont be too hard on yourself. Ok? As for the new site, there's mixed feelings about it. It's never good bottling up, I'll always hear you, but at the same time, I'm worried about how 'concentrating' on the issue may consume you altogether. Anyway, just keep me informed.

Bodecea said...

Hi Helena,

as I share the care problems with you, I would like to read in your new blog, too.
It's intersting to compare the situation here and there, too.

Bodecea

Blue said...

Hi Helana!

Sorry I've been MIA, but my lifes blues have caught up with me big time.

I so so sympathise as know what you're going through - wish I had pearls of wisdom to impart but no.
It's a hard road being a carer - somtimes very rewarding others just heartbrakingly painful.
If you do decide to do aplinter blog, please do send me a link.

On the lighter stuff, that sewing machine's great - I have a childhood manual one about the same size.
Hope yopu can find some creative time to play on it.
And well done re the driving lessons.

Love
Blue

freebird said...

Keeping the crafts handy is great. Sometimes all we can do is look at it and hope but it's still there like a security blanket which is good.

Driving lessons. I'll bet that's a bit nervewracking but you'll get used to it and wonder why you took so long.

Don't go private blog! Everyone has troubles and if they don't feel a kinship with you in bad times, who cares if they are around for the good ones?

Your sewing machine is cute. I'll be waiting to see what you come up with for it.

How do some people do it all? They skip the housework just as you are doing. Really. My sister and niece have maids that come in once a week; boy I'd love that luxury! When my sister didn't have one, her house was truly a wreck!

Hang in there. Do you have nursing homes in England where they can take care of your mom if you no longer can?

Helena said...

FERONIA,

I'm glad someone else can empathise about how a mess in the environment can make the mess in my head a hundred times worse!!!! Unfortunately I think a cleaner would clean only- NOT tidy!! If one came in here she wouldn't know where to start!!! Maybe if we could get on top of it all, then have help keeping it that way? MInd you, with all the cuts announced today, I doubt we'd afford it!


ANGEL AND KIRBY,

Yes that sewing machine is sort of cat size, isn't it? :)


STARDUST,

Good point re another blog might be too much of a focus. Really I wanted to be able to rant without casual readers taking offence, and also aware from family!!!
Thank you for your lovely words of encouragement, as always :)


BODECEA,

I sometimes forget which people are carers.... sorry... thank you for reminding me though. Gosh, I don't think I have you on my followed list, do I? I better fix that![Bows down low to the ground in apology- ooo nice down there, might stay]


BLUE,

I've missed you! I'm sorry you've been in a deep blue funk land again.... time for another autumn card? :)


FREEBIRD,

Yeah, we have nursing homes. But they are really underfunded. And care workers draw the Minimum Wage. I['m sure there are some great nurses out there, but mostly these homes are manned by non nursing staff who give the residents antipsychotics to knock them out so that they don't 'wander' and cause a'nuisance'. One in my town was closed down and was in the news just recently over abuse charges against the elderly in their care. It's horrifying. This is why I hope I can hold on and care for Mum as long as possible. It isn't so much the memory loss or the reversion to childhood in certain things, it's more her depression and negativity that wears me down...

mrsnesbitt said...

A private blog? Count me in hun! As I sit here hubby is faffing on with an old laptop - whilst I am looking at a curtain pole hanging off the wall. Only last night he told me it was possible to have the entire works of shakespeare engraved on the top of a meat pie! So if he can do that why can't he fix the bloody pole!!!