Juggling life through a bi-polar lens. Sometimes up, sometimes down. Mostly trying to tread water in the middle. Creating a likeness to a normal life. Whatever "normal" is...

Monday, 23 February 2009

Downs and ups and downs again.


Taken a dive again, I'm afraid. Sleep is difficult, but being sleepy isn't! I seem to be doing 36 hour days straight, then 6 or 7 hours of heavy, sluggish sleep, the type that leaves you with squitty eyes, like two pee-holes in the snow.

And very lucid dreams, the type where I am conscious IN the dream that I am dreaming, which, to say the least, is weird. (It's handy in nightmares though, as I can wake myself up!)

All my tidying up and organisation, which left me feeling so good last month, has pretty much come to nothing. I had to move craft stuff back into the living room to use, as the craft room is still an ice box- still no heating sorted out. Trying to craft on the floor in the living room has produced a few nice cards, but also wreaks my back.

To be honest, lately, I have been getting frustrated with things to the point of tears and sometimes I just give up with the day and crawl back to bed, where I'll lie and listen to the radio or flick through a book or two.

I've filled in my driving licence application. Maybe if I can finally learn to drive that will give me a new layer to my life. I know in theory it should do, but the prospect of driving still terrifies me. If I can do it, then I give myself more options for employment, if I can face it.

Basically I am so frustrated and bored by not being able to sort the heating myself, and sort putting up shelves myself, and a hundred-and-one other things on our 'House jobs to-do list'.

I have to admit that, although I do love him, the frustration caused by living with a serial procrastinator is having a bad affect on me, to the point where I just don't know why I'm here any more. I just want to switch off. Give up. I just can't go on like this, not if it means feeling like this. But then I feel guilty, as I know he has so many worries of his own...

22 comments:

Angel said...

Helena. I know the frustration of a serial procrastinator, too. I feel that our house will fall down around my ears! Please don't give up. I have been in your state of mind before and it is the pits. You have to conquer the fear and doldrums! Having just retired, I feel that I have lost all control ever had. I am making silly mistakes that I did not make before. I know you and I can both get through this trying time! We are sending Purrs and prayers your way!
Angel and Kirby’s mom, Nan

Poopsie aka Blue said...

Oh Helena - a hug here!
I know exactly how you feel.
Only, I'm the procrastinator in my life, as my house, world seems to be falling apart around me.

Hold on, the Spring is coming, things tend to look better in sunshine.

Lots of love
Blue

Dragonstar said...

Hugs my love! You've got through this before, and you'll do it this time too. We all believe in you.

I think Blue is right - we could do with a bit of spring cheeriness. Sunshine helps a lot!

Julie said...

I wish I could come down there and give you a big hug {{}} I have been railing against myself this morning because our house is a complete tip and needs a good sort out and a clean. I've just got back from holiday and am frantic to get everything done at once and I know I can't but that's frustrating me too. I think Blue has the right idea. Some warmer weather and a little sun will help us all. Don't be hard on yourself and hold on a bit longer things will come round xoxox hugs and kisses xxx

Helena said...

{{{{{thank you peeps!!!}}}}}

CherryPie said...

Sending you some *hugs*

Chalkhills Collective said...

I wish I was closer, so I could come over and give you a big hug. Don't give up.

Lots of love

Liz

Theresa said...

Big hugs to you! Wish I could come hang those shelves for you. Hang in there!

Sir Woodstock said...

Just calling in to wish a good day!

Hugs
Woodstock

sally in norfolk said...

have the courage to do your driving it would be sssooo good for you sending hugs too x x

Papoosue said...

Hi Helena, I'm glad you found my blog again and I've found you! Sorry you're feeling more down than up, I can sympathise, I've known that feeling many times. You know there will come an up time though so hang on in there. I think the driving is a brilliant idea - I never learnt until I was in my twenties and the freedom it brought was wonderful. Hugs. Susan x

MISS PEACH ~(^.^)~ said...

Dearest Helena! Take heart...so many of us have the same feelings so you are not alone!! While on the outside we might seem like ueber achievers...the inside true story often rests on a house of cards. SO grab the Joker before he causes more trouble...turn him into a positive creation. I do not drive much over here in the colonies, but in Germany I drove for 20 years. It still feels good sometimes but I'd rather be home all the time here in the cozy cottage where I am safe from the big bad world. Dennis does most all of the driving and I navigate. I am a hermit and proud of it...safe surrounded by Miss Peach, the cottage garden cats, my papers and inks, my bears and dragon and Barbie dolls...it is MY world. The cottage needs constant improvements...just like yours, it has dreams. Never give up, we are all the same inside. I love you...Karla

craft mad Jenny said...

oh dear, i do hope you are feeling happier soon,
did the Stampin' Up catalogue cheer you up? hope you received it ok,
jen.

Lorianna said...

Oh my dear Helena, you and I are so much alike it is almost scary...
Our house was built in 1890. My husband promised so much and so little has happened. The only upside to that is he won't invite his family over until it looks better because they are quite snobby. (evil grin)...
I had a feeling that you may be on the downside again. I'm holding you in my thoughts. I have been finding myself longing for bed as soon as I get up in the morning. Nearly every song on the radio sets me off in tears. Even my daughter suggested that I may want to go back on an anti-depressant. Now, I feel like a bad mum. :(
I just keep thinking that spring will make things seem better.
If it's any consolation, I haven't driven in a long while and I am also afraid to! Sometimes I daydream about driving and getting out and about. It probably would be good for me. Maybe if you do it I will give it a go. (gulp!)
Like Miss Peach's Mommy Karla I am most content in my drafty old Victorian with my kitties and books and crafts.
Oh how I wish I could come visit with you! I think you and I could have such a nice time, eating too much chocolate and getting glitter everywhere.
Please e-mail me, if you would like. lfeecat@jasnetworks.net
Sending you love and hugs,
Lorianna

MISS PEACH ~(^.^)~ said...

Scortch will leave a big basket of brownie and love on your doorsetp to cheer you up {**}~~~~~~~ (that be me blowing sooty smoke out the side of my mouth)

Celebration of Life said...

Helena,
I had no idea that you were "down." I have battles with depression myself and can understand on some level how you feel. My motto is "Never Give Up"!
Hugs from Wyoming!
Jo

BumbleVee said...

get out there and get that license.. you can do this. I got my motorcycle license in 2000... I made it my Millenium Project. It wasn't a piece of cake either. You should have seen us recruits! Yikes! ..we were pretty dodgy..and that was in the parking lot... ....well, then after a few days we hit the road and wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee .... look out people!! cuz we still had no clue what the hell we were doing.

and hey... do you have home hardware stores that offer classes? Ours here have things on tiles, woodwork, plumbing etc....many women take the classes...and then...we do our own. If somebody gets a tad nervous about us doing all by our onesies...they usually jump right in a do it.... hahahahhahah..or... there is always the prospect of finding a good tradesman at the better business bureau and hiring out. Lots of folks out of work right now.. I bet if you looked, you could find some handyman that is worth his salt... here we call them "rent-a-husband"s...

JB's Big World said...

Procrastination is everywhere.....so sorry you are feeling badly, but spring is coming and that always helps, my mom always perks up inb spring too!
--JB

self taught artist said...

i too get totally bogged down by procrastinators when it comes to my living space being affected. sorry you are in a 'bad' phase of mood. hope getting a lic. helps, it can be fulfilling to just get in a car and GO!

i beati said...

I find the same dilemna really. I have started so many projects and none are finished. I have such a feeling of friustration and end up doing nothing out of depression.But then other days I'm likle that inch worm- inch by inch I get a little done and revel in it for days sandy

ChrisJ said...

Just remember, after the 'downs', the 'ups' do come -- thank goodness. January and February are the worst months for 'downs'!

Helena said...

Thank you all so much for all your encouraging comments.

I hit a real a low patch for a few days, then I've been coming up just gradually. It's been so touching to read so many comments of support-and emails- from people. I'm really indebted to you and thank you so much for your kindness and friendship.