Juggling life through a bi-polar lens. Sometimes up, sometimes down. Mostly trying to tread water in the middle. Creating a likeness to a normal life. Whatever "normal" is...

Monday, 17 December 2012

Another milestone

3 months, exactly, today. Monday, 17th September....... Monday, 17th December. 

Scooter, I miss you like the birds miss the leaves. 

I read that you can literally die from a broken heart. Look it up; something to do with weakening of the walls of the heart. It can be caused by grief, stress. It's why one spouse's death sometimes follows very quickly after the other. 

I cannot kill myself. The mess it would leave behind, I can't do it. So. I am willing myself to die. I am willing my heart to fail.

Yesterday I did a little gardening. Trimmed a few things, cut back some deadwood. A robin was singing very loudly. He's often around. He would sing when I sat with Scooter on his bench. He was singing nearby on the morning we buried him. 

I stopped what I was doing and sat down, and listened. In my mind, I told him that he sang beautifully. He came nearer and ate some suet I'd thrown about for him. After he'd gone I just sat in the quiet. In one hand I had the bag of cuttings. In the other were the secateurs. I wondered if they would be sharp enough to take the vein in my neck. I couldn't even remember the name of it. My head is on such a low gear lately. It was a while before I remembered; the jugular. Yes, that's it. Would it be enough? A quick stab. 

I thought of Luvbug. He had gone to the shops to get me some chocolate and some painkillers, and more cold remedies for himself. I pictured coming back to find my body on the ground, and all the blood. No. Can't do it, see. Can't scar him like that. He doesn't deserve that.

So I sit up late nights, hoping to hear Scooter. I hear him less and less now. It's like losing him again.  

Farewell, my friend. Go on your way if you must. Come see me when you can, promise me, come by sometime.

Meanwhile, nothing holds any light any more. 
It's as though the world is no longer 3D.
All is flat. All meaningless.
  
Life goes on, someone said to me. Ah yes, it does. It plods on. And I am doing my **best** to go along with things day to day. Be OK on the outside. Automatic pilot. But on the inside, I have gone.

9 comments:

Feronia said...

Helena, it saddens me more than I can say to read that you feel so hopeless. I won't try to trot out any platitudes to you but I'll just say that we all love you so and I hope with all my heart that the pain of losing dear Scooter will ease a little, just a little.
Thinking of you, as always,
Em xo

Helena said...

I just can't stop crying, Em. Every day I cry. Sometimes I manage to keep it till I'm alone. But not always. It's like a big bruise in the middle of my chest. I just want him back, so badly.

Angel and Kirby said...

Sweet friend, I am so sad that you feel that you are gone. We want you back! We want the artsy girl that makes beautiful cards. The bright girl that wrote a book! We want you back as muck as you want Scooter back.

Feronia said...

Dear Helena, I wish I could give you a big hug! It's such a heavy burden that you carry. The Queen said that grief is the price we pay for love, and sadly it's true. I'm always here for you, in any way I can help.
Em xo

Julie said...

Helena, Angel and Kirby is right. We do want you back. Don't hide yourself away. Luvbug would be devastated to lose you. And so would we all. Keep fighting to move forward and recover. Dilly and Bob are much missed and we want to see you as your beautiful, creative and gifted self. We love you dear friend. Keep living a little at a time with Scooter as your guide in this world ♥xxx♥

MorningAJ said...

When my lovely Spud went across to the other side I thought I'd never recover. And there are days when I still shed a few tears over him. But someone reminded me that there are lots of other cats out there who need someone to love them, and pining away for my darling Spud wouldn't help them one little bit. It isn't disloyal, it isn't a betrayal, it's a way of paying back some of the love he gave me.

I was once told (by an RSPCA official) that it's really difficult to find homes for black cats, because a lot of people think they are bad luck.

Little Maisie will never be a replacement for Spud. I don't want her to be. But I've given her a life and love she wouldn't have had otherwise. For Spud's sake.

Lynda (Granny K) said...

Perhaps as MorningAJ says, if you could find room for a homeless kitten your grief would turn to love for the new little chap. You wouldn't love Scooter any less, believe me, but it might help to lessen your pain. We all need to be needed. xx

Mitch and Molly said...

We agree with Lynda - a new kitty to hug and to kiss and to laugh at his antics. He can never replace Scooter but you will come to love him. This is the way that I feel about my Molly, Helena. Molly can never ever in a million years replace Maggie but Molly is a very sweet girl and I love her dearly.

Sue

ABBY said...

Oh Helena I wish that there was some magical words I could put together that would help in some way. There aren't any. But, I do think Scooter would not want you to be so sad. He would want you to show that deep love you have for him to another to help keep his specialness alive. I know it may be too soon yet, but I bet there is another who Scooter will lead you to to help the pieces of your broken heart mend one piece at a time.