Juggling life through a bi-polar lens. Sometimes up, sometimes down. Mostly trying to tread water in the middle. Creating a likeness to a normal life. Whatever "normal" is...

Tuesday, 17 July 2012

Preparing for Goodbye***UPDATED***

***Please scroll to the end for update***

Although Scooter has beaten the odds in so many ways, living with Feline Aids and Hyperthyroidism for years, and still today his liver and kidneys work ok, and his coat is shiny.... yet he is losing the battle this time.


He had another seizure on Sunday, and a bad one yesterday morning. Yesterday's was different- for the first time his back legs thrashed out and he cried out. I had always hoped that he wasn't aware of things during a seizure, but his crying told me that he did, and he was afraid.


He had mini seizures, tics and twitching throughout most of the day, and episodes of strange behaviour.


I rang and spoke to a vet, not my normal one. He offered to come to the house. I was SO grateful. I have become so used to vets not doing this I wasn't even going to ask.


Scooter's seizure had begun at 5.30am but the vet couldn't get to us till the afternoon. By that time Scooter was sound asleep. 


Scoot was so good, he put his head out of the box to see who it was and when the vet gave him injections he was fine with it. He was far more interested in watching him, and trying to investigate what was in his bag.


The vet said that the other vet was probably right in thinking that the lump on Scooter's face (between the side of the nose and the eye) was a growth of some kind. BUT, he said, maybe it's an infection that's got blocked, unable to drain away? So he gave Scooter a three-day steroid jab to take down the swelling, and a long term anti biotic.


Today, the seizures have stopped. Not a twitch- so far.


BUT.........


his back legs are so, so weak. He can't climb onto his favourite cushion, or step into the litter tray, or manage the little step into the next room. He walks only slowly, thoughtfully, with haunches down.


I put newspapers on the floor and put the litter on that, but he still has his pride. Rather than use it he walked, painfully slowly, to his poo patch at the end of the garden, for a wee. When he got back he flacked out and slept for a little while. 
(If you're saying "Cruel woman! Why didn't you carry him?", don't! He hates being picked up and previously I've found it can even bring on a seizure to be carried.)


He cries  :(
He doesn't understand why his back legs aren't following his front ones. 
Then out of the blue he hauled himself up onto a chair! I think he was showing me that he could. But he couldn't get down, as the back steering didn't work, so I had to gently lift his rear end down.


He also hasn't had a poo- maybe muscle weakness 'below the waist' is the reason for this too. Poor thing may be bursting, but can't push?


His legs weren't like this yesterday.
Last evening he was slow, but managed to walk ok. He walked round the garden with me and Luvbug.


We've all been upset and not sure when to 'call time'.
I told myself this this morning-  is he better than he was 24 hours ago? I suppose so. He isn't fitting and thrashing, and he is eating and drinking ok.


I have seen video's of cats after a stroke and they are weak and wobbly in the back legs. I wonder if it comes back ok.


I think we need to see if it's a case of aftershock from the last few days, and see if his legs come back.


If he stays the same as he is now, or gets worse, then I think it might be kinder to let him go now. 


I hope I'm not saying that because I'm so tired. Maybe I just want it to be over? Surely not. I keep asking myself, when? When will I know when? I was thinking this and Scooter put both front paws on my hand.


This morning at 5am he and I were in the garden and I 'saw' his sister Figs, the big black and white cat with soft fur and chortly purrs. She died in 2005. Just for a couple of seconds she sat on the decking at looked at us. Either she has come to help him, or to collect him. Or else I am just far more sleep deprived than even I think I am.


Luvbug has been in tears. He has never had a cat before.

**** *** **** *** **** ***

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR YOUR SUPPORT, AND FOR SENDING YOUR-
  • PRAYERS
  • PURRRAYERS
  • GOOD VIBES
  • LOVING THOUGHTS
I THINK THEY HAVE HELPED.


He is sleeping curled up, whereas he had been sleeping flat out, straight, like a stiff board.
He is walking more confidently, though still VERY slowly and methodically- he isn't on his wrists and haunches *quite so much*.
He managed a poo!!!
He is eating and drinking fine.
He is purring and enjoying a scrunch round the neck.
He is able to get on his cushion.
He walked to his patch in the garden and back.

however-
he is still sticking to his box,
sleeping most of the time,
been out of his box just once today......... but then, he has been through so much this week....poor wee thing, it has drained him....


I am too scared to draw breath, as deep down I know this is borrowed time and when we wake up tomorrow he could be near The Bridge again, and I know he can have a seizure without warning any time, and I know that after all the bad ones he had this week, he will be getting 'ripples', aftershocks from them....
BUT I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR THE RETURN, HOWEVER TEMPORARY, OF PURR-FILLED, LUCID TIME WITH HIM :) HE REALLY IS A MIRACLE CAT, AND THE BRAVEST OF ALL............

Please keep things crossed for him, I have a gut feeling this is a gift, not long term, and I daren't look ahead...............will keep this updated........

**** *** **** *** **** ***
Love, tea & cake,  
Helena

49 comments:

Di said...

Oh Helena, I do wish I could help - this is heartrending. I'm in tears here which is absolutely no flipping help at all. Hopefully more of your cat loving friends will hop in here with words of wisdom.

It does sound as if you got a more caring vet and perhaps the fact that they didn't say it was time is a good indication.

Sending love and hugs, Di xx

Everycat said...

We are so sorry that Scooter is having seizures, it sounds like that last one was a big one. Seizures can take their toll on muscles and hopefully the steroid will reduce any swelling (anywhere) that might be adding to his mobility problem. As he's eating and drinking ok, we'd wait a little longer, he will tell you when he's had enough. He's done tremendously well to get to such a grand old age and he is truely a very special boy.

We send you and Scooter love and rumbly purrs

Oliver, Gerry, Mungo & The Ape xx

mrsnesbitt said...

Oh Helena - I am sat here in tears - because I feel your pain and know you just want the best for Scooter. He has placed his life in your hands - and that's all you can do. To have a guardian angel looking after him to help or take must be a warming in his little soul.
Am praying for you all my dear xxxxx

Dragonstar said...

Poor Helena. My heart aches for you. Scooter is obviously nearing the end, and it's so hard for you. Love and hugs for all of you.

Angel and Kirby said...

I think Figs is calling him but he hates to leave you. It is the hardest decision to make, but if he is in pain then it is probably time

Found art blog said...

It's already been said. 1) it's the hardest decision you'll ever make and 2) i suspect Scoobs will tell you.

He knows the deal and he's had a wonderful life.

MorningAJ said...

It's never an easy decision. I think you'll just know when he's ready.
I'll be thinking of you.

Mitch and Molly said...

Tears are slipping down our mom's cheeks because she is hurting for you and for Scooter. We are sending you lots of healing thoughts.

Love ya lots,
Mitch and Molly

MISS PEACH ~(^.^)~ said...

Dearest Helena...
I sent you an email and hope you got it...yes your beautiful cards have arrived!
I am so sorry to read that your beloved Scooter is making your heart sad. Please do not worry about the time....you will know when it is right...you will know! Until then...stay close to him. I slept on the floor next to Miss Peach...often wide awake until the sun came up just watching her. Next month will be so hard for me as the date comes when she will be in heaven for her first year.
Figs is coming to show you that this will not be the end, only a new beginning...believe that!
I hold you close dearest XOXO
Karla

KC and the Giggleman Kitties said...

We are sending purrs and love to you and Scooter during this difficult time.
KC
Baby Cat
Missy Blue Eyes
Faith Boomerang
Sol
Smokey
BJ
Mom ML

Brian said...

We all send you lots of love, hugs and purrs.

FURKIDSMOM said...

We're sorry that Scooter is doing so poorly. Seizures take a lot out of you for a while. We're hoping he improves. Eating and drinking area ll good signs. Is he on meds for the seizures?

The Florida Furkids and Lexi

Hannah and Lucy said...

We do not think we have met your dear Scooter but felt we must come and tell you how sorry we are he is not doing well. Enjoy ythe remaining time spent together and remember all the happy times.
Luv Hannah and Lucy xx xx

Cat said...

We are so sorry to hear about Scooter. I was in a similar position with my old Molly (19) almost two years ago. It is heartbreaking to see them fail, Scooter will tell you when it is his time to go....Figs will be waiting for him.

Bellen said...

What a terrible ordeal to endure, for both Scooter and his humans. If he can't poop, it may be a big problem for him, but if he can, and the seizures don't keep occurring, maybe he will stay a while longer. In any case, whatever decision you make will be the right one, because it will be done from love.

Jan's Funny Farm said...

It's so hard to be in that position, not sure what is best for the loved pet. As others have said, you will know. Purrs and pawhugs.

Fuzzy Tales said...

We're so sorry that Scooter's time to cross is drawing near and are sending you purrs and universal Light.

Our human went through this with her beloved Annie in winter 2011 -- and Annie was only about 10 years old. We'll never know for sure why Annie failed, a combination of reasons, we think, but one day it was VERY clear that Annie couldn't go on, that she didn't want to go on. Our human knew it in her heart two days before but her head kept hoping something could be done.

There's no easy way through this, it guts you, tears your heart out and leaves you in ruins, emotionally. But the point comes when you do have to act with Mercy and kindness, out of pure love.

Peace and Blessings to you all.

Samantha, Clementine and Maverick said...

Lots of purrrs & hugs to you during this difficult time!! We will pray fro you & Scooter!! He'll let you know when it is time!
Your TX furiends,

The Tower Hill Mob said...

We are so sorry to hear of Scooter's illness. We will be thinking of you over the next few days and hope that you and Scoot can enjoy the time you have left together.
He'll let you know when it's time to move on.

Cherry City Kitties said...

We did not know you or Scotter before today, but our tears tell us you were already in our hearts. Trust that together you two will know what is best.
many purrs of love and strength
Harry, Dexter and Tipp.

ABBY said...

This is our first visit and we are sorry it is under these circumstances. We offer all of our purrs for you and dear Scooter. Be guided by your love and you will find the right path in your heart.
((hugs))
Abby

The Island Cats said...

We don't think we've ever visited before...we're sorry to hear Scooter is doing poorly. We send him and you comforting purrs. We know this time is not easy.

(There was one that came before us named Scooter...he has since gone to the Bridge...but our mom loved him so much...so she has a sweet spot in her heart for any other kitty with the same name.)

Eileen said...

Oh dear Helena, I am in tears knowing how hard this is for you all, for Scoots and you and Luvbug. I'm sure Figs showed herself to help you as much as to help Scooter. I'm glad you found a caring vet to help give Scooter some relief. Your little boy loves you so much. Love and hugs to you all, Eileen xx

Ginger Jasper said...

I so so feel for you at this time and know how you are hurting.. Listen to your sweet Scooter and he will tell you when. Sounds like you found a caring vet. I think Figs came to help and to ease.. Sending purrs.. GJ xx

Eric and Flynn said...

We are sorry that Scooter is not well. We send our purrs and hugs to you.

Prancer Pie said...

We saw this on the CB and hopped over. Our hearts go out to you at this most difficult time. Soft nosetaps and purrs fur your beautiful boy.

~*Connie*~ said...

I have absolutely no idea if this will help you, but the weak back legs made me think of this http://www.felinediabetes.com/weak-back-rear-legs.htm

I know when Em was dying of cancer, I danced the "is she or isn't she" dance. Is she suffering, is it kinder to put her down, she wants to stay, see she wants to stay, but can I or should I?? I made and canceled the appointment so many times. Even the final appointment that we kept she told me she did NOT want to go. She couldn't walk, she fell over and lost control of her bladder while the vet was there (he came to the house thankfully) and it was so a sign that it was the right thing, but she fell over trying to leave in protest. I was blessed with the other three cats I had put down, it was VERY clear that they were ready. I gave them what they wanted even though it was possible for them to continue on for weeks or possibly months.

I worked for a vet for a while(as a receptionist) and I saw too many people hold on way too long. The animal had "that look" that they were ready. They barely ate, they didn't play, they just sat around head down and were waiting. You need to judge by attitude (climbing on the chair is a good sign, eating well is another, seeking out / demanding attention, play no matter how minimal it is) as well as condition.

Hopefully you will get the clear message that Scooter is ready to leave the pain behind. If not, you will have to make that decision for him even if it appears he is not ready to go.

this decision, made with love, is NEVER the wrong one.

and as horrible as it is to hear, too early is better then too late.

My heart goes out to you at this difficult difficult time.

Old Kitty said...

Me and my cat Charlie came over from the CB. I am so so sorry to hear about sweet Scooter. Poor baby. It must be so frightening for all of you.

My angel Tim who went to the Bridge in 2009 was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism and had his seizures first before the tumour in his mouth/nose appeared. When he suffered his seizures (big and little ones throughout the day - legs thrashing, he went round and round the floor, he clawed the air, he yowled..) he was rushed to the Royal Veterinary College (not by choice - it was a Sunday and they were the closest surgery open). The prognosis was not good and they kept him in for three days. But he recovered. He developed the tumour soon after but because he continued to eat (special food - pate type paste I'd feed him by hand) and be bright and alert (he still played - or attempted to and tried very hard to clean himself) but he couldn't use the litter and just peed and poo'ed wherever (lots of baby nappies, waterproofing!). I kept him as comfortable as I could and he was with me for 14 months after the time he spent at RVC.

I don't know if I'm helping and I'm sorry if I'm not - it was a tough 14 months and he took all my emotional time and strength but I would do it again and again for him.

Take care
x

The Lee County Clowder said...

SO sorry to hear about Scooter. Sending comforting purrrrayers to you all. Hang in there, Scooter, as long as you feel you can.

PS: Maybe Scooter would accept and use Pee Pads (sometimes called Puppy Pads or something similar). They're water-proof, absorbent pads. I've used them a time or two when a kittie refused to use the litter box for whatever reason they had.

Helena said...

***********************
THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR YOUR SUPPORT, AND FOR SENDING YOUR-
PRAYERS
PURRRAYERS
GOOD VIBES
LOVING THOUGHTS
I AM CONVINCED THAT THEY HAVE HELPED-
SCOOTER HAS RALLIED-
SO I AM ABOUT TO UPDATE MY POST-
I am too scared to draw breath, as deep down I know this is borrowed time and when we wake up tomorrow he could be near The Bridge again, and I know he can have a seizure without warning any time, and I know that after all the bad ones he had this week, he will be getting 'ripples', aftershocks from them....
BUT I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR THE RETURN, HOWEVER TEMPORARY, OF PURR-FILLED, LUCID TIME WITH HIM :) HE REALLY IS A MIRACLE CAT, AND THE BRAVEST OF ALL.

Beedeebabee said...

Oh, I'm so sorry your kitty is so ill Helena. How heartbreaking to read this. Know that you are both in my thoughts and prayers sweetie. xo ...and yes, I still have that blind in one eye cat, plus 3 others.

Percy the Cat said...

We are sending lots of purrs and hugs and wish we could do something more.
xo
Percy, Pandora, & Zowie

Mark's Mews (Ayla, Iza, and Marley) said...

Our purrs to Scooter...

Everycat said...

We are heartened to read the update Helena. It sounds as if Scooter is doing well after his ordeal. Enjoy as much of each other as you can, bathe in the love, take care of yourself too

Sending more love and rumbly purrs

Oliver, Gerry. Mungo & The Ape xx

Found art blog said...

More ear scratches, chin tickles and squeaks. And a hug!!

Alasandra, The Cats and A Dog said...

We are sending comforting purrs for everyone and healing purrs for Scooter

Jan's Funny Farm said...

What a sweet gift for you - more time with Scooter. We remember wishing for more time with each of our furries. It's never enough but every moment is precious. Purrs and pawhugs.

Oui Oui said...

We stopped by to purr for Scooter. We're sorry that you all are going through such a tough time, and wish there was something we could do to make it easier for you. Sending purrs to all!

The Lee County Clowder said...

Just checking in on Scooter.

Hang in there, kittie.

ppuurrrrrrss

Karen Jo said...

I am so sorry that Scooter is so ill, but glad that he has rallied. {{hugs}} from me and comforting purrs from the kitties.

Team Tabby said...

We will definitely keep our purrs and prayers coming, good news that things are better with Scooter!

Eric and Flynn said...

Just checking in and sending more purrs.

Alexi said...

WOW! We iz sad to hear about Scooter. Mombean went through this indecision with Annie. Finally, Annie stopped eating and drinking and had her head down as if to say, enough Mombean. She had a good last day napping out in the sun on cat tree on the porch. Doing the very thing that gave her the cancer.

dArtagnan Rumblepurr/Diego Hamlet Moonfur said...

Came over from the CB to send you all purrs.

Milo and Alfie Marshall said...

Milo and Alfie's mom speaks:

I'm so hoping that when Scooter is ready to go on his journey he is able to tell you ~ but in the meantime has as many comfortable stolen days as possible.
I so remember how hard it is to make these big decisions; my beloved Siamese cat Henry lived with me from 8 weeks old until he was helped to sleep at almost 20 years old (1985 ~ 2004). It's such a painful and difficult time and I can recall the heartache vividly. So ((((((hugs))))))) Loving cat-moms always know best ~ trust your instincts.

Sending you and Scooter an your family love. xx

Laura and Taffeta Rose said...

We just wanted to stop by to tell you that we are purring for sweet Scooter and for you, too. He is such a handsome boy! Purrs.

Laura & Taffy

TK and Squashies said...

Hi Helena. We have not met, but I wanted to stop by and let you know that we are purring for both you and dear Scooter as you experience this hardest of things.

We want to tell you of how incredibly lucky we think Scooter is, to have such a blessed life with you. He couldn't have found a better, more loving mommy.

Even as you are incredibly sad that he is having trouble, and that the end may be near- always remember that your love is sustaining him, and has made his life a wonderful state of being.
Puurs, TK, Squashies, dee

Noir the Texas Tabby said...

All of our purrs and prayers go out to you. Scooter knows he is surrounded by so very much love.

Noir

Psalms 50:15

Helena said...

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR YOUR GENEROUS LOVE AND SUPPORT, WHICH MEANS SO MUCH, AND HELPS SO MUCH )))HUGS(((