Here's a little ditty I wrote...
This poem fell out of my head about a month ago. I'm on a creative writing course run by The Open University. The latest section was on poetry. I wrote this for an online tutorial. What do you think? I love it. And I don't love everything I write. I contribute vast quantities to the council's paper recycling scheme...
My tutor? He stomped all over it.
Young Blackbirds
Young blackbirds were dancing
this morning, in the rain.
I'd never seen that before,
so watched, standing there
in my new black suit:
young blackbirds, fresh and new.
Spilling the puddles,
immune to grief.
12 comments:
Hi Helena
What does dickhead know! I like it, I can see the picture in my head, it might not be your picture, but it means something to me.
Keep at it.
Liz
Thanks, Liz!!!!
Community Kitty! I don’t think Mrs YesBut will be too happy if I go around stroking some strange pussy! And a community pussy at that - you don’t know where it might have been, there’s some strange people in our Town Hall.
I like your poem a lot. It really paints a picture. It's funny that you paint in color as well as words. It's nice to have options, eh? Thank you for the visit to my blog... = ]
thanks for passing by at myplace too...i like this poem...and as citlali said...great thing that you can paint both by words and color..
have a great day :)
Me yikez it tu! Me kan whach bwack budz fwum me windoh evwee mownin!
Chuck
He STOMPED all over it?? Idiot. It reached out and touched me, painted a picture. Black suit (mourning?) Imune to grief (Oblivious, the world moves on?)
Sack the tutor.
You got it, Carol, the "new black suit" was meant to be a hint at a funeral. "Immune to grief" was that way the birds were just happy being birds, oblivious, the way the world just carried on, even though your family is having a funeral...
In fact it was that last line he hated most. Said it was "too overt". Suggested I change it to something more suggestive, like a funeral car pulling up outside.
I told him that it produced just the jarring pull-up of emotion I wanted at the end of it. I didn't want it to just fade away on a subtle note. I wanted a suddenness at the end.
He said "Well you have every right to challenge me of course, but I'm just suggesting ways of improvement."
What?
So questioning him is equal to challenge. Aha. Righty-ho.
Grrrrrrrr...
I love the new look, Helena - and I love the strap-line "Will someone clear this off my desk" (or close to that) it makes me smile. I must link this!
Cool! I'm very honoured!
Thanks for the feedback re the revamp, too.
I thought it looked ok on my screen, but on my partner's it looks, well, eugh.
Citlali.....& deli......
thank you!
"It's funny that you paint in color as well as words."
wow I never thought of that. What a lovely idea. Thank you! I shall remember that phrase.......
Meanie,
Hullo!
Good to see you here!
Blackbirds are great fun aren't they? We have one particular one -he has a white bit on his back so I call him Cheeky Skunk- he comes in through the back door if his sultanas are late. Today he flew round the living room, pooed on the windowsill and flew off out again. I think a certain small bear put him up to that...
Post a Comment