Juggling life through a bi-polar lens. Sometimes up, sometimes down. Mostly trying to tread water in the middle. Creating a likeness to a normal life. Whatever "normal" is...

Sunday, 14 October 2012

Still here, but....

Hard to believe, but this my 500th post.

The last few weeks have been very hard. Things still are. I cry every day. EVERY day. This seems to be getting worse, not better, as I continue through firsts-

first time home to catless house,
first time to the supermarket without going into the pet aisle,
first storm without him there, looking out, watching,
first time hanging out the washing without him coming to 'help' by sitting on my feet,
first time cutting the grass, without worrying about where he was, hiding from the noise machine,
first time vacuuming the living room, knowing that I was removing his hair, never to be replaced,
first time we took a day trip out, out for more than a couple of hours, as we didn't have to have someone stay in with him always any more.....

-firsts are a killer.

Another automatic stabbing machine is the instinct:
the instinct to look at the window as I turn into the street, to see if he is there waiting,
the instinct to want to call out 'hello? I'm back!' as I come in the door,
the instinct to think 'I'll just check on him before I go' before going out,
the instinct to look up when a tv ad mentions 'new' about cat food.....

automatic thoughts, that override the knowledge that he's gone- instincts that show how much our world was built around him.... now built around an empty space.

The crying gets worse, as it sinks and sinks and comes up from a deeper and deeper place.
I have never mourned as deeply for anyone, certainly no human.

He was my last connection to the rest of his family; he had his mama-cat's big yellow eyes. He grew big, like his sisters and brothers grew big. His black fur was soft, warm, and glistened in the sun, like theirs all did. It's like I have lost them all, all over again, and all the grief for all that loss has come to the surface in a great wave.

Sometimes I have honestly thought, I would rather be dead, at least then I would know for sure if he were still there. Then I tell myself that Luvbug would cry, and mum would get worse, and I haul myself back to the land of the living.

*But really, if I could be excused, I would rather not be here at all. I just know that I can't be excused.*

My arms ache sometimes, they actually physically ache, as though they independently long for him.

I have ordered this print from Etsy seller watercolourqueen-

This is how I would hold him when he was coming out of a seizure, or when the hypo-attack threw him into twitches and jerks that scared him so, sometimes with temporary blindness~ I would hold him gently, no hard restraint. He'd hold on and tuck his head under my chin. I knew he was calming down when the breathing slowed and the purrs came, I knew he'd come out of it completely when he wanted to get down.

I've tried to understand with logic why this is so hard and I wonder if it is this-
~that I can't let go of the pain because it is my link with his last day here. If I go a day without the pain and tears, then the link is broken. No amount of saying 'he would not want this' alters that. It's like I would rather have the pain than more distance from him. 

I am now tucked up in bed. I had an early night yesterday too. I think a recent bad throat is becoming a cold :( and I haven't been sleeping properly for months, so there are hours to catch up.

I don't know whether to continue this blog, or to open a new one for some arty stuff later on, and leave this one here..... I don't know.

Take care, all, and please take care of your animal friends.


Mitch and Molly said...

My heart aches for you. It's been over 8 months since I lost my Maggie and I still cry every single day too. I know what you mean about the pain coming from a deeper place.
The print is just beautiful.
(((hugs))) to you, Helena.

Angel and Kirby said...

Grief is different for every one of us. We just want to help you through any way we can. If keeping the blog is too painful, start another one for your crafts and creative items. We just do not want to loose contact with you.

MorningAJ said...

You know my thoughts from my email to you. Take care. Look after yourself.



MISS PEACH ~(^.^)~ said...

Thank you for sharing your precious painful post with us...don't you know that you are helping each one of us at the same time you are aCATually helping to heal yourself? The tonic of time runs slowly but steady...
The painting is sweet and comforting...I have finally completed the artworks I have been working on for you dear Helena...They will be posted off to you hopefully this week. My grandson is visiting from Denver this week and I am not sure day by day what we will be doing. One thing is sure...you are always in my thoughts...each day.
Sending you love and quiet moments...Karla

Found art blog said...

Big hugs. If you decide to start a new blog, please let us know. Me for one wants to stay in cyber-touch with you!!!! (And Bob and Dilly and Sam too!!! And the gang!)

Hammie Hamster said...

Please take good care of yourself! And let us know when you do start a new blog! A very big hug for you from all of us overhere!

Ginger Jasper said...

I so feel for you and know how you are hurting. I do love the picture and think it will help you when it arrives. Firsts are so bad but they will get better just take it slowly and dont be afraid to let the tears flow as they will also help.. Purrs and hugs for you.. GJ xx

Julie said...

I am so sorry you are in so much pain Helena. As has been said grief affects everyone differently and you have to work your way through it. Your wonderful Mr Scooter will always be close to you so do not fear letting go of that last day. It will not make him any further away. You gave him a wonderful long life and you have so many happy memories of him when you feel ready to remember them. I would keep this blog but start another for your crafty things when you feel ready to blog again. xxx

ABBY said...

You are so brave to post and share your feelings with us. I won't ever suppose to know how you feel, but I hear what you're saying and I do understand. It is so hard, and it takes a lot of work, difficult painful work. I hope that you will keep this blog in memory of Scooter and also for you. I also hope you will continue to post. It is so important to talk about Scooter, talk all you want. Talk about how you feel and what you remember of Scooter. Keep his memory alive, I'm sure there are lots of stories that will bring good thoughts to bear. Don't judge your timeline for grief, however long it takes it takes. Do not let anyone minimize how you feel over Scooter, he is important to you, and you cherish his memory. Keeping you in my prayers.

✿•*¨`*•. ♥Abby♥Boo♥Ping♥Jinx♥Grace♥✿•*¨`*•.

Found art blog said...

I just discovered that CD 107 that Tango lost in the toilet got found and claimed!!!! He'll be so happy!

Everycat said...

It can take so much time for the full force of grief to hit home. All those things you mention, all little stages, all little steps that take one away to a new life without them.

Right now I miss all the little fluffs of white hair around Oliver's favourite rugs that he'd roll about on.

Following in your steps...


I think it does get harder each day - I think the first few days/weeks we just can't believe it has happened. I know I used to think that any minute now she will jump on my lap, ask for her tea, meow to go out.

Jan's Funny Farm said...

It is so hard to get through the days and all the firsts without a beloved pet. Eventually you will be able to remember the good times and smile. Know that there are many who care.