Juggling life through a bi-polar lens. Sometimes up, sometimes down. Mostly trying to tread water in the middle. Creating a likeness to a normal life. Whatever "normal" is...

Wednesday, 26 September 2012

For Scooter.

Writing is meant to help.

So I just wrote this.

For Scooter

That last night
you slept on my windowsill,
snug on a cushion of foam and fur.
Hot water bottle at your back,
to guard you from the cold
of the glass.

That last day
you stayed there,
stretched long and soft in the late summer sun,
till, too warm, you
climbed down half way,
then cried.
(Just a little cry,
as you paused and looked at me,
there to help you balance if you fell.)

I held you,
guided you down,
took your weight.
You staggered a little,
and looked around for somewhere to lay;
on a pillow - too soft;
on a blanket - too warm;
no, no need for luxury or choice now.
Settled, then -mostly fallen-
on a shaded patch of floor.
Aware of our attentions,
but no longer greeting them,
you rested, dazed and dozing...

You did not hear the vet arrive,
nor the young assistant -so full of life-
when I let them in and led them to you.

"This doesn't look good," he said.

I'm sorry I let him wake you,
that should have been me.
It should have been me that lifted you, held you,
at least at first.
Instead, what did I do?
What did you see me rush to?
-I blocked the routes of your escape,
with boxes, books and bags.
I'd seen you eye the corner behind the curtain, you see.
Forgive me.
I know you were not ready.

Now, deep in autumn soil you lay,
with your sisters near you.
A blanket, 
a pillowslip,
a few favourite toys.
I spent so many years keeping you warm,
I cannot bear the coldness of the soil surrounding you.

Wept, I have wept a hundred thousand tears.
I'd made a bargain, you see,
with whatever it is that holds the Good, the Love, the Life together in the universe;
Take a year off what's due to be my lot,
I said,
and give it to him;
Take his pain, his weariness, his cancer,
and give it to me.
It seems that nothing was there to listen,
or, if hearing,
was powerless or cruel.

You left so many things behind, you know.
In every room I see you.
Combs, boxes, blankets and beds bought on special days,
Food bowls, water bowls,
the rug known to be 'yours'.
Toys and packets of catnip,
cushions for in and out of doors.

It's as though 
you've just nipped out
- be back in a minute, mum!

Little by little 
I part with part of your life.
I cover the catflap
to stop the wind from teasing me.

I light candles on your grave each night
and buy flowers to plant there.
I don't know what else to do,
except to reach down through the mud and stones and touch you again
- that way lies madness.

They tell me that you wouldn't have felt betrayed.
They say that you let go with ease
and that this was a gift I gave you.
If so, it is a costly one.
I long to hold you, hear you purr,
and brush your chin the way you loved.
But all is gone now.
My own hands have put these things away now, out of reach.

My shattered heart will heal,
they say,
I'll remember you with smiles
one day.
I hope you do the same for me,
If only, somewhere, 
you still "Be"...........


Angel and Kirby said...

That is very powerful and moving.

Jan's Funny Farm said...

We are sorry you are having to miss Scooter. It's so hard when they leave.

The Lee County Clowder said...

A lovely, moving poem.

Impressive how much of a hold a little ball of fur can get on your heart.

MorningAJ said...

I've said before that I believe they don't go far, it's just that we can't see them easily. That kind of love (both ways) can't be destroyed. I'm sure he's still close to you.

Blue said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Blue said...

I'll try again ...
That is so beautiful and touching Helena - it's left a lump in my throat and the tears streaming.

I wish I could take some of your pain away as I remember that hurt so well, seeing Hero things around was heart breaking, the expecting him to bound in tail wagging, the emptiness left and the wish I could have done things differently stayed and stayed, the latter still lingers.
I've never forgotten the silkiness of his ears & head, aways scented with lavender & rosemary from our garden bushes or the sight of him swimming which he did daily.

In his memory I created two photo collages of him and individually framed my favourite snaps. I regret/regretted there were so few as I really wasn't a keen photographer then.

I gave Hero's food, basket, bowls, blankets etc to a local animal sanctuary. And eventually all his toys bar one to them too. I kept Percy penguin his favourite even though his squeak has long gone and he'd his hat nibbled off. Percy sat on my kitchen window sill till I left Oxford, when I came to pack him for the move, the sun had perished him so much he broke up in my hands and I sat down on the floor and wept for my lost boy all over again.

Hero's ashes I also kept till I came to scatter my Mothers. She passed away 7 years ago this Friday [29th] a day which I'm dreading. 13 months later I went to Brighton and on what would have been her 90th birthday I scattered my loved ones ashes together on the shore line on an outgoing tide with flowers. I reget that now as so wish they were still with me other than in my heart.

MISS PEACH ~(^.^)~ said...

Precious Helena...
I know the empty pain burns a soring fire inside your heart.
Your words make me have tears in my eyes because I well remember being inside of them a year ago.
I still have a drawer full of Peachy blankets that I will never part with. Bunny does not use blankets...she has a pillow. I washed Peachy's last blanket she slept on the final night...I now use it on my lap each night as I sit and watch TV. She peed on it often and it went through many a wash...it is now so precious to me. You inspired me yesterday to do something that I had put away since that final day last year. I opened a drawer in my little box where I had placed a tissue...I unfolded it and there were little tufts of red fur I took from my precious girl. I held them to my cheek and cried. I miss her so much...
I found this poem on a friends blog...she lost her Big Will cat Sunday...I thought you might like to read it.
"The Last Battle"

If it should be, that I grow frail and weak
And pain should keep me from my sleep,
Then will you do, what must be done?
For the last battle cannot be won.
You will be sad, I understand,
But don't let grief, then stay your hand,
For on this day, more than the rest,
Your love and friendship, must stand the test.
We have had so many happy years,
When the time comes, hold back your fears
You wouldn't want me to suffer so,
Please, won't you please, let me go?
Take me where to my needs they'll tend,
Only, stay with me until the end
And hold me close and speak to me
Until my eyes no longer see.
I know in time you will agree
It is a kindness you do to me.
Although my tail its last has waved,
From pain and suffering I have been saved.
Don't grieve that it must be you
Who has to decide this thing to do;
We've been so close, we two, these years,
Don't let your heart hold any tears.
— Author Unknown

Please do not be too hard on yourself...hold on to yur mom and Luvbug and let the days unfold.
Oh and I would LOVE to swap an AUTUMN atc with you...
Love Karla

Eileen said...

Grieving is so hard when the love has been so deep.

I cried through your poem, remembering how it felt.

In a way, we all sit there with you, or beside you as you light a candle for your sweet boy.

Hammie Hamster said...

Oh, you brought tears to G.'s eyes...
How wonderfull this writing!
We hope you can have a smile again soon, thinking about silly things he did...
Thinking of you and sending lots of hugs!


Hammie and G.

Ginger Jasper said...

I cry as I write this. I feel your pain and I know you are hurting so much. What people say is true and you did give the ultimate gift but you dont feel that right now. All you feel is pain and sadness and that will be raw. Know there are people who care about you and care about your loss. Email if you want to talk. cazbaz7@aol.com. Here to listen and here to care.. Hugs Carol and GJ xx

ABBY said...

I was so moved by what you wrote and it brought tears again to my cheeks. It is way to soon and you are missing your sweet boy so deeply and profoundly. Helena you keep writing, he hears you, we all hear you. Tell us all of your stories. WE will listen.

And God asked the feline spirit
Are you ready to come home?
Oh, yes, quite so, replied the precious soul
And, as a cat, I am most able
To decide anything for myself

Are you coming then? asked God.
Soon, replied the whiskered angel
But I must come slowly.
For my human friends are troubled.
For you see, they need me, quite certainly.

But don't they understand? asked God
That you'll never leave them?
That you souls are intertwined for all eternity?
That nothing is created or destroyed?
It just is...forever and ever and ever.

Eventually they will understand,
Replied the glorious cat.
For I will whisper into their hearts
That I am always with them
I just am...forever and ever and ever.


Peaceful/Paisible/Sarah/Pixabeille/Mousie said...

I can just take you in my arms for a warm hug...come along my little one, Grandma Mousie is here to sing you a little song;;
all my love sweetheart

Everycat said...


He will still 'be' forever in your heart Helena. They never really leave, these beautiful souls.

Those smiles will be back with you soon.

Oliver, Gerry, Mungo & The Ape xx


We never completely lose them - they are always in our hearts and we have such wonderful memories of our time with them. I hope that in the not too distant future the pain will be a little less and you will remember all the good times you ahd together.

Beedeebabee said...

Oh Helena, this was so hard for me to read, but so beautifully written. I so wish I could somehow make you feel even a tiny bit better, but I know I can't. Please try not to feel guilty about those last moments when the vet came. I can remember those same feelings with my Snotfrog and Tom Tom. It's always terrible. Think about all you did for Scooter and how much you loved him. You were the best mom he ever could have had. You tried and tried everything you could think of. He is at peace now. No more seizures, no more pain. He went quietly to sleep. Know you're in my thoughts and prayers. Sending love and hugs. xo Paulette