Juggling life through a bi-polar lens. Sometimes up, sometimes down. Mostly trying to tread water in the middle. Creating a likeness to a normal life. Whatever "normal" is...

Monday, 24 September 2012



Thank you, Karla, (Miss Peach's momma) for this lovely tribute. I love to think of him free and happy like this.

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Everyone says I did a kind thing, but I am raw inside from the thought that he was a little scared at the last, and that maybe he thought, why are you doing this, mum? what did I do wrong?
Again now I am in tears,.
Only time will stop the raging thoughts that I let him down.
It might never take away the loss, the space left or the missing him, but I hope at least in time I can feel assured that he didn't think I was hurting him or wanting him to go.

I miss him so, so much. I have slept downstairs to be near him in case he needed me these last 5 months and still can't sleep upstairs till at least 5am..... I hear things and wonder if it is him, or am I just hallucinating, as I do when I am stressed....

Figs, Fluffy and Scooter lie side by side in the garden now, and I have bought windproof candle holders for them, and so each night there are 3 lights in my garden, one for each cat.... the brother and 2 sisters..... I cannot bear to think of him in such cold, cold soil. Kevin says, he isn't there, it isn't him.... but it won't go in. It's in my head, but not my heart. Only fear of descending into complete and utter madness stops me from tearing away at the soil to reach him...........I used to talk to him about everything...........now all I can say to my beloved Scooby is to ask him to forgive me...... I feel he is lost and confused somewhere..

7 comments:

Angel and Kirby said...

dear heart, you have to forgive yourself for making the hardest decision ever. Yes, it will take time. But you have to stop stressing so much because he would not want you so upset and sick with this. I know you have a hard time believing that there is a better place for him or for anyone, but he is not in the garden, but in your heart

Blue said...

Once more I,m typing through tears for you & Scooter [and my Hero too, who I still miss even thogh it's been 14 years & 4 months]
I do so understand Helena, I felt and still do feel guilty about Heros passing & question whether I did the right thing @ the right time because he like Scooter had in you, had total trust in me, so we question, berate our-selfs - did we fail them because we miss their unconditinal love so much.
But they knew when we were sad and alays came to offer comfort, so Scooter understands.
I too don't believe in Heaven or the Rainbow Bridge really, however I try to imagine that their spirits are free, playing, running somewhere out in the universe and they always remain close in our hearts.

MorningAJ said...

The bit of Scooter that made him who he was (not what he looked like) isn't in the garden. He's still there, somewhere, pain free and happy. I really believe that.

Lynda (Granny K) said...

An awful responsibility of being a pet owner is knowing when they just can't go on any more. Scooter is in a better place now. Don't fret about it. You did the right thing by Scooter in letting him go. Hugs. xx

Ginger Jasper said...

Please forgive yourself. You gave your sweet Scooter the ultimate last act of love and he knew that.You did what you needed to and didnt let him down.Pleasedont reproach yourself.. The gorgeoous graphic is so lovely and that is how you need to think of Scooter. Hugs GJ xx

Beedeebabee said...

Helena, I wish there were words I could write to make you feel better. Dear girl, you cherished him till the very end and he knew how much you loved him, and because of you, he lived for such a long time, especially being as sick as he was. Please don't feel guilt. You made the hardest decision, it was time, and he was able to fall asleep in peace. Had you not, he surely would have suffered. He will live always in your memories, and I think he's somewhere else now, happily frolicking with his brother and sister. Please feel better. xo

ABBY said...

Helena
The most compassionate thing we do is the one that breaks us wide open. It is having to make that decision of what is best for one who cannot. You released Scooter from his earthly pain and suffering. He suffers no more, he is young and healthy and waiting for you at the Rainbow Bridge. He understood and he was grateful that you chose for him with the most unselfish heart you have what was best. Rest assured Scooter is grateful for your act of compassion and ultimate love.

((hugs))