Juggling life through a bi-polar lens. Sometimes up, sometimes down. Mostly trying to tread water in the middle. Creating a likeness to a normal life. Whatever "normal" is...

Tuesday, 24 August 2010

Daydreams of escape

After several good days, today was a bad day. Yeah, I know, I should document more of the good ones, shouldn't I? I know, I know, I plan to. I'll try to. I promise.

This evening I nipped out to the corner shop. Well, more of a round the corner and up- shop. A ten minute walk if you stroll. A three minute walk if you run.

Standing in the queue, I knew I didn't want to go back home.
I wanted to go for a good, long walk in the darkening, breezy evening.
I thought back to last summer when Luvbug and I had got on our bikes one evening and just pedalled and pedalled, out along countryroads and round secret lanes behind the housing estates, across farm land and over fields. I remembered the cooling air, the sweat, the freedom. I wanted some of that again.

I looked down at mum's yoghurt, my not-quite-butter spread, and the two trays of cat stinky goodness, the stuff they only get when the online pet shop are late delivering the proper stuff again. I knew I couldn't stray. I had to go back, and straight back. Mum will already be looking out of the window and asking Luvbug where I am, will I be ok, and couldn't he come and pick me up.

Before I knew it, I was head of the queue, counting out the right change. (If you do little things like that, they never realise that you're on auto-pilot, or near to breaking point, I mean, who would care about the right change if they're all up-side-down inside?)


Kirsty Wiseman said...

darling, those book I quoted....especially one called The Shack will restore her faith in the world - not religion. Its a great feel good book xx

Helena said...

THanks, Kirsty! Thanks for the visit, too :) always lovely to see you and Eddie!

Feronia said...

I know it's incredibly difficult Helena, but is there any way you can have even the smallest of breaks? A couple of hours? Is there some sort of respite nursing service who could look after your Mum for just a short time?
Thinking of you x

Helena said...

Hi Feronia,

The troublke is, even when I am not with mum, she will ring every 80 minutes or so, at least. She gets quite scared, confused, or paranoid. I can leave her notes saying when I am coming to see her but she will still ring to ask when I'm coming and where am I. Today I had a carer's assessment over the phone and the upshot is that they are sending me some info on some help I might be able to have, like getting a 'befriender' service where they have someone come and sit with mum for an hour or two, so at least I wouldn't have to worry about her. DO't yet know about cost or waiting list, but I'm hopeful, so long as mum as is ok with it. Explaining why a complete stranger is coming to sit with her might be hard. She moght think I am getting her a baby sitter and be offended, and I wouldn't want that.

Angel and Kirby said...

Helena, I have no words of wisdom but can sympathize with you. Being a constant care giver is the hardest job because you are so close to your Mom and so worried but you need a break. We are hoping the 'befriend' person can start this week!

Julie said...

Me too, I hope you soon set up the 'befriender' system and get a little time out. Don't be offended but has your Mum got all her benefits in place? (Attendance Allowance etc)

Bodecea said...

Helena, I know this feeling very well and I have to follow it sometimes. Let my "husband" or her cleaner which comes every 2 weeks have a look after her - and walk through the woods for hours and hours. And I went to holiday two times for a week, letting my brother look after her.

She misses me sometimes or is confused where I am.

Of course that's a pity.

But without these breaks I will break down in near future, and what will be than?


Di said...

Hi Helena

I've followed recent events about your lovely Mum with a heavy heart. Although it's hard honey, you do need a break sometimes so I concur with other kind comments from people who have walked the same road. Plus, you must check out the allowances side as Julie suggested. It isn't giving up - it's there to help. BTW, Paddington is still here, thanks for persuading me not to get rid of him a year ago :)) Hugs from Di...and Paddy xxx