Juggling life through a bi-polar lens. Sometimes up, sometimes down. Mostly trying to tread water in the middle. Creating a likeness to a normal life. Whatever "normal" is...

Tuesday, 27 July 2010

Floor level.


Broke down today.
Lots of tears. You know, the can't-go-on type.
Had an appointment with the Art Therapist.
I'd had to cancel last week's and the week before's because I just couldn't get away, couldn't leave mum on her own.
Today was easier; she wasn't too bad today.

At the session, it all bubbled to the surface, and how, yesterday, for the first time, I felt I couldn't go on.

But if I killed myself, I thought, what would mum do then? Or the cats....

Luvbug, I figured, in the twisted, mirror-think of suicidal thought, he would be ok, he's strong, he could sell up and head to Ireland and his family........ and then yesterday on the news there was a story about a young family found dead in their home. Suicide was mentioned, but not official yet. How could he have taken his wife and children with him, people asked. And I knew how. I knew how, I knew why.

Then I knew I had hit the floor and needed help.

14 comments:

CherryPie said...

*big hugs* In my darkest hours I always think of the people who would miss me or who would be in pain if I wasn't there any more. It helps focus my thoughts.

Right now my thoughts are with you xxx

Feronia said...

Dear Helena! So many people would miss you so much - as well as your family think of all of us around the world who love you. I have been through some very dark times myself of late and I agree with CherryPie - I think of those who would miss me, and it helps me focus on how I have to keep going, hard as it might sometimes be.
Thinking of you xx

Angel and Kirby said...

My cousin made the decision that he could not go on and took his life. It is the ones that are left behind that have to carry the burden. Although we all understood that he was sick of being sick and was crying out for help, it did not help us understand why and how he could do this. It left all of the family to clean up and re-group and try to pull ourselves back together. Luvbug is strong, but he would be loosing so much and so would all your friends.

Take care of your self, first, then luvbug and then your Mom! I know how hard that is!

MISS PEACH ~(^.^)~ said...

Silly bird! We have all been there. I have. Dennis tried to drive his Toyota off a bridge after his last marraige failed...
Thank God it got stuck on the guard rail or I would have never had such a wonderful life with him!! You are normal Helena NORMAL!!!!! This is immense pressure you are under right now and it will passmy dearest friend...I know it will all be better one day. You must take things one day at a time and not worry to far in advance or you will worry yourself into a tizzy. One day at a time is the ticket. Hug your kitties and Luvbug...they are your life girl!!! So get on the elevator at floor level and push the garden level button where the tea table is waiting for you. Escape with your mind and the world will hold still.
All my love Karla and Misses Peach

Julie said...

I hope you've demanded help Helena. Shout, scream, stamp, yell, cry, nag, demand, whatever it takes to get medical and actual support. You need your personal time and your art therapy to give you the energy to support your Mum. People to sit with your Mum while you get the help you need. No guilt, you need support too and you can't help your Mum if you are ill.

I'm sending you lots of love and positive energy. Luvbug would be lost without you and so would Dilly and Bob :) xxxxxx Not to mention me x

mrsnesbitt said...

Helena - Bob would miss you! What would he do? Who would keep him in chocolate?

Hugs to you dear Helena - xxx

Lynda (Granny K) said...

Oh sweetheart, I could write pages but i'm sure that others have already said it.

You are carrying too big a burden by yourself. Get some help. Daycare for your mum? Don't feel guilty and try to cope alone.

Luvbug certainly does need you, ask him!

Big hugs x

Chrissy said...

Hugs to you Helena. I have talked to my Mum when she experienced similar feelings and I have cried along with her at those helpless, guilt ridden and sad moments. In some ways you are both similar personalities, you both maintain very high standards by which you live.....

You do need help my friend and it would be good if it was someone professional methinks. First and foremost, you need to look after yourself My thoughts are with you XX

Found art blog said...

Other people have already said it. Go bug your doctor!!!!! Go Bug Bob and Dilly and the cats.... Bug Us about it!!!

Mega hugs

B.T.Bear (esq.) said...

Yes, Mrs N, hoo wud get my choklit peenuts??? Onnistly!

Stardust said...

Going away sure eases one's misery, but it increases others' portion by tenfolds. It's the biggest wrong your poor mom should endure at this age, to lose even her dearest ( with her being one of the reasons ). Such decision punctures an eternal hole into everyone left behind.

You won't stay at the floor level forever! Life has its promises and it's only moving on that leads to light! We're all cheering you on.

Soft hugs...

freebird said...

My sister's husband killed himself. He left it for a mind-disabled girl to find him. His family had to pick up the pieces and it isn't good or fair to them. It was the easier way for him though. Hang in there. As the saying goes "this too shall pass". Everyday just sing the song One Day at a Time to yourself. Even if you have trouble believing in Jesus the tune and idea of taking it one day - only today - at a time helps. Usually when we hit the floor we realize there is only up to go as long as we don't consider sucide as a viable way to go. Up, up and up even if it is slow.

How about telling your sibs to help out? Can you find a nursing home for your mother? You shouldn't have to be her total caretaker. Tell her doctor you need help finding a safe place for her or they might lose two people!

Dragonstar said...

Huge hugs for you love! Scream for help, and hang on. Just hang on! It will pass, and you'll claw your way back onto an even keel. We're all rooting for you!

Bodecea said...

Dear Helena,

when I feel like this, I say to myself - before doing this, I have to try all other ways of living.

Going to an Ashram in India. Take some intersting drugs. Try love with a woman. Leave all behind - all I have to care about, all I should do, all loved ones, all security.

Maybe I'll become happy by this. And if nothing works - I still could do it.

Bodecea