Uplifting video from my online tutor :)

This is a video from the art tutorial site that carries the course I'm signed up to.

(God, what a clumsy sentence that was. There must be an easier way to put that.)

Anyway. I'm still on lesson One, as I can't get going, even with time on my hands-

Kevin left for Ireland 6am Saturday and isn't due back till tonight, and I haven't seen mum since about 8.30pm Saturday as my brother picked her up yesterday and will being her back about 6 this evening (yes miracles, it seems, can happen, especially if your brother is under the impression that YOU are off to Ireland too and so he NEEDS to take mum for a day or two. LORD knows what he thought I was going to do with Scooter. I would NEVER have Scooter left alone or with strangers.......)

But I digress..... well I've been digressing since Saturday night. I HAVE NEVER FELT SO RELAXED AS I DID SATURDAY NIGHT!- Knowing I was FREE for 48 hours. OMG. The quiet. The quiet quiet. I had a long, long bath with bubbles and a magazine. I tripped about with wet hair and downloaded a film from BT Vision. I spread cushions and a quilt on the floor to sleep,  and Scooter climbed in.

I had imagined I'd be doing lots of arty stuff this weekend. But nope. But I have enjoyed watching other arty people and reading my arty books. And I've enjoyed just doing nothing. And not having to say things three times to people who either don't hear or don't listen. And not having to sit on a chair cos both sofas are taken. And sleeping close to Scooter, and being present when he fell off the windowsill (!!!) and cuddling him all better as he sneaked under my quilt.

I want to get going on my art course but I am suffering from inertia. If I do the course and find I can't do it, that's disappointing. I need to throw myself into it and dismiss such pessimistic nonsense. It's only a bit of art, Helena, get dabbling. Sod what the critics in your life will say. In fact f~~~, don't even show them!

Hey ho, here is my tutor on an inspirational video she made......

Do watch, It'll cheer you up!

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Quick Scooter update-

He is ok. The fall off the windowsill (in his sleep) just winded him and i was there straight away so he was ok. It didn't bring on anything bad, which I feared might happen. No, he just hurt his pride, I think!

One thing though- he has really, really bad poo- like, liquid poo. I keep digging over his patch in the garden and devising new ways to disguise it and get rid of it and mix it in and bury it (LOL) LOOK if you think this is disgusting, did you ever have a baby? Well then. I didn't, but I do remember my kid brother's nappies. So I know what you've been clearing up. So I'm ok with Scooter poo, cos I love him :) even when it gets on me and my jeans have to go through two bio-washes at 60 to get it out (talk about toxic).

Anyway I have been online- ages yesterday- on Vio Vet and a couple of other trustworthy online pet shops. I've ordered what I hope to be better quality dry food specially for oldies, and some "palatable" (yeah, right!) stuff to stop the diarrhoea, similar to what th vet gives out.

Should arrive Wednesday or Thursday. Hope it helps. Just realised that the colour of his poo is the colour of his dry food so I don't know that much is being digested. Bleagh.

Last night and today he has had steamed chicken and steamed white fish. He was nyom nyom nyom. Now he is outside in his tent. HIS tent. Did I tell you that I bought a BIG tent? A TWO MAN tent? It's so me and Scooter can stretch out in there on sunny days on blankets with cushions and books while mum and K are inside wacthing tv. We've tried it once. I put the big tent up, then called Scoot out of his little 'pet tent'. He stood there with is mouth open when he saw the big tent. He couldn't believe it. Not til he got it in with me and stretched riiiiiight out. Didn't want to get out. Do you have a pet? Do you have a garden? Get a tent for you both in that garden now! Why should kids have all the fun?????

Love, tea & cake,  
Helena

Scooter

Poor Scooter had a bad seizure the other day. He had another episode this evening, a ripple of after-effect from the big one I think, just a small one this time,but notable, and scary.

I posted details on my Facebook page the other day but I'm cutting and pasting it into here for people who care about Scooter and who won't have got to see it... maybe if you've had cats with seizures you'll be able to advise. I can find tons of info about seizures in cats on the net but not about what to do during one, other than keep YOURSELF calm, keep them safe, and don't let them get too hot. I went on kitty-mum instincts mostly, and remembering what happened with his previous ones....

Poor Scooter had another seizure yesterday.
We had taken him to the vet just for a check up really, and because he has had a weepy eye for over a week. Not snotty or anything, just weepy.

All went ok. Fine at the vet. Trip in car fine too....

Got in, opened the door to his carrier and he came out slowly, wobbly, fell down. Tried walking again and again, wobbly, fell. No strength in back legs. I recognised what was going on and picked him up and lay him in my arms. I held him and talked to him for 40 mins,holding him still and trying to calm him.

He was purring fast- they purr not just when they're happy, but also when they are scared or stressed, to calm themselves down. I was worried he was hyperventalating at one point. I stroked him slowly and talked to him and took big, deep breaths myself. Soon he was copying me! HE slowly calmed.

Twitching all the time, his head and front paws.

It's best to leave them lying flat when they seize, but only if they're in a safe place and warm. Hence I picked him up and held him, rather than leave him in the middle of the floor. This way I could judge the severity of the twitches, too. In my arms, I tried to hold him flat across my lap, leaning down with him, so his head wasn't far above the rest of him. I tried to sound and feel calm for him, but inside I was breaking up. He never lets anyone hold him normally. He just isnt a cuddle cat.

At one point he burrowed his head under my chin and held on with his front paws.

He lay across me again and tried to walk, but still nothing there in his back legs. We were getting scared hed had a stroke. Then, poor love, the muscles gone, I'm afraid he emptied all his bottom all over me and the cover I was sitting on. K and I quickly found a way to roll all this away so he wouldn't get distressed, and we tucked a towel there.

I spoke with the vet on the phone after 40 mins of this (K called earlier- they called back) and while I was speaking Scooter wobbled a few steps. A few wobbly steps at a time and he had reached his food bowl, where he took a few mouthfuls. Delighted he was in recovery, the vet said to just keep watch.

Over the next hour he was wobbly and walked a few steps a time on his haunches. He couldn't interact with me or make eye contact. Then he crawled along on his belly, sniffing around the place to investigate it. Loss of memory of place and loss of eyesight can happen afterwards, so I just followed him round, talking to him. At one point he walked into a pile of books and just stopped. For 5 mins he just stood there, looking asleep. Then he 'came to', backed up, and went into his box.

His been ok since, quiet, but pops out to lie by the fire now and then, and has been out to use his wee patch in the garden (he won't use litter trays though we leave a clean one down for him).

Today he is sleepy, eating, but not interacting much, and I wonder if his eyesight is stil not back right.

All this just for the stress of a trip to the vet and a ride in the car. Nothing else. Just for a checkup and a weepy eye. What on earth shall we do if he ever shows something more in need of urgent attention?

Poor old thing. He's past his 19th birthday and I guess he is wearing out. My heart breaks at the thought of it. Though, when the time comes, if it's an irrecoverable seizure that takes him in my arms, that might be preferable to any long drawn out illness...... I am trying to see a good side.

The last thing the vet told me was 'spoil him' :) she should come see the house. His blankies and stuff are everywhere.

I've been sleeping downstairs to keep an eye on him since so I'll  be down here again tonight....

I do hope he settles down and becomes stable as Luvbug is away from early Sat to late Mon as he is going to Ireland for his mum's 80th.        

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Love, tea & cake,  
Helena

52/4

I've never actually finished this book. Really must have another try....

 Life of Pi

by Yann Martell

The vestibule had clean, white walls; the table and benches were of dark wood; and the priest was dressed in a white cassock- it was all neat, plain, simple.

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Thanks to everyone who joins in with this, btw!

If you want to join in too, pick up any book, go to page 52, then go to the 4th line. Give us whatever sentences cross the 4th line. i.e. you may have to go back a bit or forward bit, but the 4th line is your guide!

Either put your finding on your blog and tell us in the comments to this post, or just write the entry itself in the comments. Simples!

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Love, tea & cake,
Helena

52/4

I have only one excuse for why this is a day late- yesterday, I didn't know what day it was. OK there IS a second excuse- I didn't remember till the middle of the night that, as well as bins having to go out on Wednesdays, I should blog about a book, too,.

Ooops. Well the rubbish is piled up for another week, but the book thing I can correct!

The Tao Of Pooh

by Benjamin Hoff

Pooh rubbed his nose with his paw, and said that the Heffalump might be walking along, humming a little song, and looking up at the sky, wondering if it would rain, and so he wouldn't see the Very Deep Pit until he was half-way down, when it would be too late.

The author, Benjamin Hoff, thinks that Pooh has a certain way about him that is strangely close to the ancient Chinese principles of Taoism....."While Eeyore frets and Piglet Hesitates and Owl pontificates, Pooh just is."

It's a lovely book. Thre is also "The Te Of Piglet" too!

Sorry for being late!

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Thanks to everyone who joins in with this, btw!

If you want to join in too, pick up any book, go to page 52, then go to the 4th line. Give us whatever sentences cross the 4th line. i.e. you may have to go back a bit or forward bit, but the 4th line is your guide!

Either put your finding on your blog and tell us in the comments to this post, or just write the entry itself in the comments. Simples!

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Rainbows

Rainbows..

Like echoes bouncing back from distant cliffs, questions return to me.

During steady rain and rebellious sun,

rainbows.

I looked out and felt the lift.

Giggling like girls, 

mum and I followed their climb with wonder.

I, with busy camera,

She,with clapping hands.

And then she asked me,

"Where do they come from? do they come out of the earth?"

I stopped.

Everything inside me,

stopped.

She didn't notice my intake of breath,

my sudden remembering of her diagnosis.

Too busy admiring, still smiling,

excited at this miracle.

I tried to explain, simply,

about sunlight and water.

She didn't care by then,

not much.

Today, after dinner,

she asked me why spoons made your face look up-side-down.            

52/4

Wednesday again already!!!!! And a very rainy one, here, too.

Notes From An Exhibition

by Patrick Gale

There was the ladylike gold watch she never wore for long because she claimed the ticking got on her nerves and, all around it, in such absurd quantities they were almost spilling over the drawer's edges, were hundreds of pills, almost all the same size and innocent shade of white.

This is an amazing book, which I can't believe I hadn't spotted before. I found it last week in a charity shop. The image of the painter on the cover drew the eye. On my version there is also a review from Stephen Fry on the cover, "This book is complete perfection". Hmm. Well that was enough for me to investigate....

Rachel is a painter who lives with bipolar and this book shows the effects this has on her creativity, the ups and downs, the bursts of inspiration interspersed with periods of dryness.

It also shows how the condition affects her husband and children, and how the people around her adapt, adopt, and sometimes suffer or run away.

I've only got as far as page 80. So far there have been flashbacks which I can find annoying in books but in this case it's fascinating to see how Rachel's story began and what certain people around her  were like when they were younger. You see her as a young woman, and then jump forward to see her children as middle aged.

I'm constantly obsessed with age. I'm constantly looking back, counting, and then looking forward and trying to estimate how quickly the time between now and the age of 60 will pass. Only 15 1/2 years to go, and see how fast the last 15 1/2 went?? It frightens me. Every day.

I get so angry when older people aren't treated with respect. By doctors, nurses, or just members of the public, people in shops.... they forget that this elderly person was once young, clear faced, beautiful, full of ideas and ambitions. All they see is a shell. More and more I'm learning that even though you get older, you stay young on the inside. This is why I find the flashbacks in the book so poignant.

I can't wait to see how the rest of Rachel's story unfolds.

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Thanks to everyone who joins in with this, btw!

If you want to join in too, pick up any book, go to page 52, then go to the 4th line. Give us whatever sentences cross the 4th line. i.e. you may have to go back a bit or forward bit, but the 4th line is your guide!

Either put your finding on your blog and tell us in the comments to this post, or just write the entry itself in the comments. Simples!

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LiveSignature

My anti-virus software threw up a warning that a 'mal ware' threat was coming in through the link associated with the picture of a signature that I've had coming up automatically at the end of my posts.

I've removed this now, and done a full scan- couldn't find anything. But not worth the risk!!!
If you have a signature on your posts linked to a site called 'live signature' I'd advise you remove it and do a scan of your program files, just in case.

I've been unable to remove the signature from my old posts, but my anti-virus isn't putting up a warning any more, so I guess all's ok.

ps
I'd been moved onto the 'new interface' by blogger. I couldn't find a way to remove the signature till I put my blog back onto the old style blogger. I was very pleased to find I could do this as the new one was driving me mad!!! 

Been scribbling, going low a bit.
Don't worry it's probably just hormones.
This is what came out-

Septic

There is caustic blood flowing round my head.
It’s different from the stuff in the rest of my body, this.
Maybe that’s the problem:
Maybe my head blood doesn’t travel enough.
It stays in my head.

Round and round,
Never cleaned,
Never pure,
Collecting thoughts upon thoughts,
Spinning them,
Colouring them
Darker and darker
In a septic cycle of
Spiralling circles..
No way to get out
Of my head.

 Oh, time for an Earl Grey and off to bed I think.

Hey, I'm not paranoid but even my hair is out to get me!

My hair's fight for the right to be white grows ever more militant. Time to reach for the L'Oreal (or whichever was on offer) box of tricks.

I've dyed it since my early thirties at least so you'd think I could do it blindfolded by now wouldn't you? Uh-huh? Read on...

OK you get the same in every box- sheet of instructions, gloves, colour activator, colour, conditioner. You mix 1 into 2, use, wait, wash out, add conditioner, wait, wash out, dry, then sit in front of a small mirror squinting as you pull out all the white ones that the concoction missed.

All was going well. I had my gloves on and had mixed the two potions. I had even remembered to cover up anything in the bathroom that could get stained. I was dividing my hair into sections and speading the stuff all through my parting, along the roots, down the back..... it smelled really nice. In fact I KEPT THINKING how nice it smelt. No smell of ammonia. Mmm. This is nice. And there is TONS of it. Spread spread spread.... WOW enough to go through all the rest of my hair- this will be nice and even! Tum te tum... oh what's that other bottle? Oh yeah, that one's the conditioner.... carry on...... tum te tum......mmm does smell nice this one. Hmm. Come to think of it, the conditioner isn't usually in a bottle. It's usually in a tube, like the one I squeezed into the activating fluid and..... OH SOD.

Yup, I had slathered activating fluid + 6 doses of conditioner onto my head. Didn't end there. I KNEW it was just daft, and I don't know why I did it, it never couldhave worked, but something made me put the dye solution all over my head THINKING THAT THE REST OF THE STUFF WAS ALREADY THERE SO WHAT THE HECK, I'LL JUST MIX IT UP ON MY HEAD!!!!

It didn't sting, not for a full 40 seconds it didn't!

I rinsed and rinsed, some of it went in my eye OUCH and it took ages to get the lot off my head.

Now, it's all dry. I have clean, glossy, soft shiny hair. With glowing white ones. I swear they would be giggling if they could.



 

Yet another psych-doc who doesn't take medication side effects seriously- or even know about them...

I just poured all this out on Facebook, which I'm not sure was the right place :( maybee I should keep things happy over there. I don't know. Only opened Facebook a/c a few weeks ago and I haven't got the hang of how to be myself is both place. To be the same, or different? That is the question! Well this is a follow up to what I thought had been good appointment with a psych-doc on Wednesday:

WHY DO I BOTHER??????????? SERIOUSLY WHY?

The new doc the other day recommended a drug that she thought would get rid of my worse bipolar symptoms PLUS help even out the ups and downs so maybe I could actually start to feel I am living and not pedalling fast to stay on one spot all the time. I specifically asked her, WILL THIS ONE CAUSE WEIGHT GAIN??? Her reply- "No, it isn't one that's noted for it." GREAT!!! I was so enthusiastic and excited to try it. So was K.

So I picked up the scrip. Opened the leaflet that comes with it. Scan down to side effects...... WEIGHT GAIN is there, and listed top as 'VERY COMMON'. WTF?????????????????

...

Look it up- SEROQUEL It interferes with your production of histamine and makes you ravenously hungry. Some people take it last thing at night and go straight to bed and hope to avoid the onset of the hunger, but some still wake up in the middle of the night starving.

It ALSO interferes with your blood sugar and tryglceride levels. There is even a class action in the USA against the makers of the drug, on behalf of hundreds of patients having got diabetes while on this drug.

If you google it you'll find hundreds of pages, hundreds of stories from users. One I read was from someone who had put on so much weight on another drug- cipramil (I was on that in my 20s and that's when I stopped being slim!!) that she had a gastric band fitted. Now on serequel, she is gaining weight- even though she can't physically overeat. This pretty much puts pay to the patronising advice from doc's that oh, just eat healthily and go for walks, you'll be fine. Yeah right. NO I WON'T.

I cannot put on another 20lb, let alone more, so I am not taking these pills. I am overweight, I have high cholesterol and my mum has vascular dementia from blood clots- in the leaflet it says not to take if there is is a history of blood clots in the family- the doc knew this!

ALSO, this drug interacts with LORAZEPAM, one I am on, and which the doc told me to keep taking!

I AM SO ANGRY THAT THE DOC WAS SEEMINGLY TOTALLY IGNORANT ABOUT THE SIDE EFFECTS OF THIS DRUG! What are we, just little guinea pigs, here take this, swallow and go away? FU*K!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Interesting links here-

This is about the manufacturer downplaying weight gain as a side effect- read here

Quote from wikipedia:

"Weight gain can be a problem for some patients. Quetiapine has been found to cause more weight gain than fluphenazine, haloperidol, loxapine, molindone, olanzapine, pimozide, risperidone, thioridazine, thiothixene, trifluoperazine, and ziprasidone " -and yet my doctor knew nothing about it.

Here's a health forum on which someone asked about gaining weight on the drug. There are over 200 replies... http://bipolar.about.com/b/2007/11/06/seroquel-and-weight-gain.htm


I repeat- I asked the doctor if this drug caused weight gain, and she replied, "No, it isn't noted for it." What if I had been too low to research it before taking it, like last year, when I took pregabalin blindly, and gained an extra stone?