Juggling life through a bi-polar lens. Sometimes up, sometimes down. Mostly trying to tread water in the middle. Creating a likeness to a normal life. Whatever "normal" is...

Monday, 4 August 2008

100

Ooo this is the 100th post on this blog! I'm therefore sorry that it isn't an all-singing, all-dancing, colours a-blazing hip hip hoorraying one!

~view over London, taken from The London Eye, by my younger brother, Roy~


While I've been doing things like papercraft, drawings, etc., it's given me a buzz. Or was the buzz there first, and that buzz drove me to be creative? Hmm. Not sure. Both, I think. Yeah, both. This crafty phase started at the top of the Zig-Zag.

Well, here's the down side. Every now and then I get the sneakiest feeling that all of it is pointless. Utterly and completely pointless, a phoney wasting of time, frittering my life away playing with craft stuff like the little girl I once was used to do in her bedroom. I may as well clear out the spare room, put a lock on the door and move in.

My partner, bless him, says that he loves to see me getting creative. He'd like to see me drawing and painting and selling my pictures in the local art cafes. He'd like to see me writing a book and getting it published. What's more, he actually believes I could do it.....

But I feel utterly pointless, meaningless and useless. I wish I could disappear.

12 comments:

ChrisJ said...

From one who's been there -- many times -- it WILL pass. It is a lie depression tells you, that it won't get any better. You wouldn't believe what a pushy salesman tells you, well don't believe this. Those feelings you have are just feelings -- chemical reactions.

I am praying for you -- hope you don't mind.

Blue said...

I know the feelings you're expressing ALL TOO WELL.

BUT...
You are SO very creative, your cards are a delight, your imagination enviable, your patience incredible & you write with humour & feeling.

Please don't give up, just take a small side step away & then step right back.

Love a huge hug
Blue

Denise said...

H, have a day away from anything creative. Take Bob for a walk or just go somewhere, even soak up the TV. When I am having an off day the thought of doing anything creative just makes me feel worse and then I feel guilty,
((((HUGS))))

Dragonstar said...

Helena, congrats on your 100th! Hold onto the buzz as tight as you can.

Depression is the black pit of hell, but it is NOT who you are. You've expended a lot of creative energy recently. The creativity can't start in the depths of a depression, but when it does start it lifts and lifts. The down-slide after is bad, but IT DOESN'T LAST FOREVER. I know this. I've lived closely with it for many years. IT WILL PASS. Go into hibernation if you need to, but always remember that the creative spring will come again.
You are NOT "pointless, meaningless and useless", you are a creative, caring person. You will break through again.

((HUGS))

Shrinky said...

Oh sweetie, you know deep down that this is part of that wretched cycle that comes around every once in a while to crush your soul. And you have a beautiful soul, one we all love and cherish. Keep wading through the mire bonny lass, there is a happier spot ahead, you'll glimpse it soon.. you always have.

And for what it's worth, this is the flip side of having been gifted with so, so much talent and creativity which most of us out here haven't even a hope of ever coming close to having. What you do is amazing, it's a precious, valuable gift Helena, and we are all the richer for brushing near it. You touch us, and lighten our lives with your wonderful writing and with the beautiful art you can seem to so effortlessly produce. Hang on in there hon, I know you won't believe it from where you are sitting right now, but it WILL pass, life will be good again, you'll see. I wish I could hug you. xx

BumbleVee said...

Maybe you could look at it this way...

If you are wasting your life creating and having fun....at least you are in the same boat as a huge group of folks doing exactly the same thing! Probably more than half the population of the planet... who really knows what life is all about? Nobody has that knowledge or the final answer... some claim they do.. but where is the proof? ... .. I am not one to believe just because somebody "sort of convincing" tells me I should... I like to live my own life... discover my own realities.....

Amy said...

I'm going through the depression part of the "zig-zag" right now. I even quit my job. I just can't handle it right now. I totally understand. I've been working on the writing a children's book idea for years. We just have to remember we've been through this before and got through it, we can do it again.
--amy (tb's mommy)

CHEWY said...

Hi Helena,

I wish I could quit my job and spend more time painting and drawing. It's what makes me happy.

Yea, everyone tells me I should get into galleries and sell my art... BUT where and how? It's the searching, showing and selling that I find very difficult to do all by myself. If I only had someone to take my hand, point the way and pull me along.

Congrats on your 100th post. Please don't disappear, I would miss you.

Helena said...

I haven't commented yet because I keep coming back and reading them altogether.

Thank you all for all your support.

Yep, I forget the very thing I say to people going through anything bleaugh- "this too shall pass". I always say it to other people but it's hard to remember it for myself.

As for the craft and arty stuff- maybe if I call it a hobby. Yeah, I know, *obvious!*. But it's only just occurred: look, you need a little escape and a hobby is a good thing and if you're not breaking the bank it's ok and if it makes other people smile as well, well, that's ok, isn't it? Yup, that's ok.

Like my OH said to me this evening, he has football that he goes to watch and gets an annual season ticket for, so why can't I buy some stamps and fancy paper, if that's fun?

Yup. Hobby it is then.

))))thanks for reminding me I'm not the only one((((

thanks, everyone.

Helena said...

Denise, take Bob for a walk? LOL!
(Actually, I do. I can't buy ANY handbags that won't accommodate purse, keys, phone and Bear. I'm not joking.




AND he censors the colour, too.

Amy said...

At least Bob is small enough for the purse! TB requires a large tote, he always wanted me to buy an Elmo one, but really I have to draw the line somewhere!

Alex L said...

Its not all pointless, hmmm that sounds wrong, its not pointless at all. Thats better... I know you've probably thought of this before, but what about a book about Bob. Oh yeah and nice work getting to 100