Juggling life through a bi-polar lens. Sometimes up, sometimes down. Mostly trying to tread water in the middle. Creating a likeness to a normal life. Whatever "normal" is...

Tuesday, 28 August 2012

A seizure, a wobble, and some Mummy Cuddles


Oh dear. A seizure this evening. He has different types. With this type, I am able to pick him up, settle down and just gently hold him, shield his eyes from the light and talk softly. Poor baby couldn't stop his front legs twitching, so couldn't stop scratching me. I just let him. Snuggled in under my chin, paws twitching and scratching the top of my arm. That's ok. I told him he was safe. I thought about him being safe and happy. I knew he was coming round when he slowed and purred- purrs that grew longer and bigger- and then climbed down. He isn't a cuddle cat, you see. Only wants Mummy Cuddles when he isn't well. He has eaten since, and is at the door looking for night time woodmice. His back legs are still wobbly though. Can't get his meds down him. I have cried another bucket. I try to think healing thoughts, but I just don't have the mental energy any more. I can't do it. Can't focus on the good.

I think you can do two things when someone you love has an incurable illness. You can either start to grieve straight away, and so grieve early, and while they are still with you, and it becomes a long, drawn out grief unless you let yourself go numb, stop any feeling towards them.... when the loss comes, there is an element of relief, of closure, of abilty to move on. The trouble with this reaction is that you spend a little of your time with them grieving. You mourn while they're still here. Isn't that a waste?

The other way is to postpone the grief, carry on as normal, say that life is life till the end, and it isn't the end yet, so keep going as before. Smile, enjoy the time you have. Push away any numbness that threatens to close round your heart. Say that no, you will instead love with all your strength till the end. 
This way takes more strength, I think. And when the loss comes, the blow is harder.

And yes, I do feel qualified to describe these things. A dear friend was diagnosed with leukaemia in March, and a prognosis of 6-9 months. We continued as before, with lots of laughter and gossip. The prognosis was over-generous; she died at the end of May. I can't describe the shock.

I haven't had time or space to grieve for her. I've gone straight into caring for Scooter, straight into his seizures coming more frequently. 

What makes it all the more cruel is that my friend's husband is a vet, and she was a nurse, so whenever I had a worry about Scooter's health, we would talk about it. She would confer with her husband for me. So I've gone from losing her to straight into a situation that I would share with her.

I have been trying to love Scooter the same way as I loved her, positive to the end, focusing not on the end but the good in the present. But I am flagging. Running out of steam. I don't want to look back in the future and think, I didn't strokehim when I could, or talk to him enough, or blah blah blah whatever it is that I can't do right now..........

Now I am waffling........... I will go and get some tea, and check on him. I think he's gone back into his bed....



**** *** **** *** **** ***
Love, tea & cake,  
Helena

9 comments:

Ikaika said...

Just checking the update on your boy. Sorry to hear about the seizure. Still holding warm thoughts for both you and Scooter.

'Kaika's mom

Found art blog said...

This one's a tough moo. I really hope you can hold out and do the best you can.....

Eileen said...

I know that some people think that how we feel about and relate to animals is less valid than our relationships with people, but I'm not one of them. Whether you're feeling strong or whether you feel as if your strength is flagging, you're doing well by your Scooter. It is so hard on all of you because you love him so much, which is the most important thing he needs. Love and many hugs for all of you.

Angel and Kirby said...

A am sending thoughts of strength to you. I know it is a long battle, but keep him close and love him while you can.

ABBY said...

I can think of little else that is more debilitating than caring for a terminally ill loved one. Your feelings are all normal, and you are right there is no easy answer. We humans have the ability to foresee the future and this is a blessing....and a curse. You will never regret giving Scooter his being present with you... or you with him. But it's hard, oh so hard to stay in the present. Keeping you and Scooter in my deepest prayers.

(((hugs)) Scooter and Helena

Feronia said...

I am sending love and healing vibes to you both. He knows in his heart and in his spirit what a lovely Mum he has watching out for him and caring for him. He'll always know that, Helena.
Big love & Hugs to you both,
Emily xx

Lynda (Granny K) said...

Thinking of you and sending love and support. Lynda xx

Everycat said...

Sending you and Scooter much love, hugs and rumbly purrs. What you are doing for him is so kind and true.

Beedeebabee said...

Helena, I've tried four times to write something, but erased each one. I just can't find the right words. Just know that I'm keeping you and Scooter in my thoughts. I know you're doing everything you can for him, and that you love him so very much. Scooter knows that too. xo